This will probably be all over the place since I suck at completely forming thoughts..

*mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts*

...

I'm at the point where i feel like I'm just here.

There isn't a point to me being here but yet I still am.

I feel like everything I do is just pointless or stupid or bad.

Like I do everything wrong.

Thinking about it, compared to all my sisters I'm just a stupid human being taking up space in this house and in peoples lives.

I'm not on an important team for rowing like sister 1 or an important rowing team like sister 2 and sister 3. I don't have amazing grades like sister 3, or know/have a plan for after high school like sister 3.

I don't swim unless for high school, I haven't rowed since october, my grades are shit and I've procrasinated so much I have so much work I need to get done in 3 days, and I have no clue what I want to do completely in life.

To my parents I know nothing (since i'm not gonna tell them I want to move away from them) but I do know I want to go to university or college, for nursing if my grades are even good enough, move away from here to somewhere that's away from my parents and has no snow.

If I just vanished or died from earth it wouldn't even make a difference.

I don't think anyone here would really care. It would just make it easier for everyone.

My parents probably wouldn't care they'd say I'm copying friends.

I can't even have my own mental health issues without my parents saying i'm just copying my friends just like they said when I came out.

It pisses me off so much.

I hate it all. Hate the way my parents think and assume. Hate the way they always get mad at me for the little things I do. Hate when they role their eyes at me or yell at me when I did nothing wrong. Hate all the rules they have given and keep giving me.

I just want to be done with that all.

I want a release from the stress and different emotions that I get with all of that.

I want to sh, I feel the urge to self harm, the scabs from my last cuts are starting to go away and the scars of other times are too. 

I want an emotional and physical release.

But although I want to self harm I also don't. There's a part of my brain that doesn't want the pain and knows that no matter what that isn't going to fix all my problems.

I don't want to die either but I don't want to exist anymore at the same time.

It's like I think about what it could be like if I just died and how much easier that could be but then I don't completely want to do.

There's still a tiny tiny part of me that somehow has a hope that it will someday get better. 

That could be in a few years and it just keeps getting harder and harder every single day.

For one I do go to the doctors tomorrow and I'm supposed to talk about shit so that could go good or it could also go bad.

I guess I'll find out then :D