Fluffy growled at the intruders. The big man that smelled like chickens and called himself Mummy had told her to guard this room. Mummy rewarded Fluffy when she did good. She would rip the flesh from the bones of these small screaming things. Mummy will be so proud!
-Nanoha Takamachi and the School of Witchcraft

Uh... not badly, Mistress. I was reeeaaally bored, so I tried chasing my tail. Only I was in my war form, and I caught it.' There was a brief pause, and her next words carried a hint of sheepishness. 'And it was twitching and furry and trying to get away, so I bit it. And now my tail hurts.
-Game Theory

"Not sure," she admitted. "But not the way Nanoha goes through things. She doesn't make the wall explode first."
-Game Theiry

literotica, Ikea style: insert tab A into slot B. Remove tab A from slot B. Insert tab A into slot B

Mari: "I even booked the Akiba Dome for our first concert!"
Chika: "It's a miracle!"
Mari: "or a joke!"
Chika: "...If anyone needs me for anything, I'll just be slowly dying inside"
-Love Live: Sunshine

"Eyes up here ladies!"
Hiei... What is that?" Jintsuu managed to ask as she tried to do as was asked of her.
"Cotton based quantum refraction apparel rated for medium level urban camouflage employing Kongou-Class particle entanglement principles."
"...Pardon?"
"Bad Christmas sweater. An All-American tradition!" Hiei gave a thumbs up which finally snapped Arizona out of her stupor. Wow, she really picked a good one if she did say so herself.
-Belated Battleships

If you gotta go, that's the way to go, oblivious. Just like my great-grandfather, died in his sleep. Much more peacefully than the screaming passengers in the car he was driving
-The Michael Vey series

Satan is skating to work, pigs have pilot's licenses, and I'm pretty sure I just became a monkey's uncle! And I don't even have a Y-chromosome
-Things Involving Shipgirls That Are No Longer Allowed

Two starving citizens are foraging for food, when they spot in the distance the glimmer of the newly constructed city of El Dorado. One of them, a former History Professor, comments to other:
"'You know, there was once this rich Roman named Marcus Crassus. His greed was notorious, he ruthlessly exploited the poor, and he owned countless slaves. You know how he died?'"
"'How?' the other asked, a
little annoyed, since he was getting tired of hearing these stories.
"'He got greedy for what he didn't have. He was the only prominent politician at the time without any military success. He used his wealth to fund an invasion of Parthia, a disaster that cost both him and his son their lives. According to legend, the Parthians killed him by pouring liquid gold into his mouth, so that his desire for wealth could finally be satiated."
The other man grunts, and says:
"'I'm not impressed. Look at those bastards in the city over there. You think they're going to drown in their gold? I wouldn't count on it."
"'Karma works in strange ways, my friend,' the other man replies."
A while later, by a coincidence, they return to the same spot, only to see bright flash in the distance. Before they realize what's going on, they see a gigantic mushroom cloud rising from the distant city. They stand there, and watch a while, and finally the skeptical one says:
"I guess you were right after all. They got the fate of Crassus."
The professor smiles slightly and says:
"No, they didn't. This is better. It's not just the mouth"
-To The Stars

Touma: Just close your eyes, and then stick out your tongue.
Stiyl: What?
Touma: (sticks out his own tongue to demonstrate) See?
[Stiyl closes his eyes and sticks his tongue out]
Touma: This is for using me as a decoy so your cowardly butt could run away! (uppercuts him)
-A Certain Magical Index

So you know what?" Kyoko suddenly shouted. "Not this time! I don't care if I'm blind, I don't care if I'm hurt, and I don't care if I killed your family because you guys attacked us first! Screw that! You think this is a Disney movie, where the native critters fight off the big bad invaders? Hell no! Man is in the fucking forest, and I'm about to go all Gaston on your extinct asses! No one kicks ass when she's cornered like Kyoko, no one refuses to give up like Kyoko, and I will use your fucking horns in all of my decorating, do you hear me?"
-Resonance Days

"I told you to double check!"
"I did! Three times!"
"Then how the hell did you put 19922104817.6 instead of 19922103817.6?!"
"One measly digit!"
"That one measly digit put us off 100 million klicks!" Amber screamed, panic tinging her voice as she beat a fighting retreat to where she thought the flotilla would be.
"I asked you to do it! I'm not a math person!"
"It's not math, it's copying and pasting!"
"I'm not a computer person either!"
"Control! C! Control! V! WHAT IS THERE NOT TO UNDERSTAND?!"
-Greenhorn

You probably have no idea how much that would revolutionize the galactic economy," she said. "Just the increased food tourism alone would make a Volus have an orgasm. If you'll excuse my language, I guess."
The group shared a moment of levity. Emma had no idea what a "volus" was, but the idea of tourism giving anything an orgasm was hilarious.
-Mass Divergence

And Maggat is smarter than your average minion. He can count up to thirty-four."
"Fingers, toes, an' I gots four skeleton hands on belt for large numbers," the bone-armoured minion admitted bashfully.
"A veritable scholar," Gnarl agreed.
-Overlady

Beware the evil lures of evil women! Revile their wicked ways, and keep your purity! They may look harmless, with their luscious, shapely bodies and red inviting lips which taste of cherries and sweet things and skin as soft as velvet which makes you shiver when they gently caress you! Nothing could be further from the truth! Given half a chance, they will send foul demons to do terrible things to you in your dreams, all night long! And then they will also seduce your secretary and do dreadful, amorous things to him and make you watch! And they laugh at you, and blame you for ruining their life and setting them on the path to evil when they loved you, but you chose to join the Church and left them pregnant rather than marrying them! And they burst out crying because they claim that you betrayed them even when you were childhood best friends and so forced them to learn black magic to get back at you! That is why you must revile them! Their malevolent, lying ways know neither boundaries nor restraint!"
– Pope Aegis X, 'Lectures on the Wickedness of Women, Part XXIV'
-Overlady

Rolling over in bed, she came face to face with Gnarl, who was sitting on a stool by her bed with a book on his lap.
"Ah. Good morning, your evilness," Gnarl said, without a trace of shame. "The sun is up, and cheery little birds are singing. Why don't we go and burn them all to death?"
-Overlady

There are those so wicked, so invariably corrupt that they are overcome by mad lusts and so lie with beasts. From these are born the many horrors of the world. Those men who sate their lusts upon pigs produce the orcs. Those foolish girls who dally with horned beasts or creatures with cloven hooves gestate demons. Those who consort with snakes and reptiles may spawn a dragon; while cats and dogs make goblins. And of course, woe betide any who has carnal relations with a toad or a frog, for they will produce a Gallian."
– Mother Superior Blancmange of the Saint Michelle nunnery
-Overlady

Yep! It are just where the oversister say it are. There are a statue of a man with a ginormous cock!"
Louise coughed. "That's, uh..." Certain images of the nature of the 'secret' lever filled her mind, despite her best attempts to keep them out.
"It are made of bronze and sitting on his shoulder. I wonder its eggsies taste like
"Yes, yes," Louise said, blushing pinkly
-Overlady

"Pope Sadius II confirmed that any form of violence against a demon was religiously acceptable."
"Wait," said Guiche. "Didn't he keep his predecessor chained in a basement?"
"Oh, Pope Masochismus VI felt that was good for the purification of the soul. Very holy man, very into penitence.
-Overlady

Well, on the one hand, his ass hurt worse than a new inmate in an Alabama prison

Right, that's it, I can't deal with this," Medusa declared. "Iowa, those are drinks, not suppositories. Remember that, because if I have to deal with something like this again, I'm going to see how well your ass can handle a whole pumpkin. Sideways. For science." And with that, she spun on her heel and stomped out.
-Things Involving Shipgirls That Are No Longer Allowed

While a Lie can go around the world before the Truth can get its boots on, when the Truth has screenshots, it can overtake the Lies and leave it in the dust."

"Well, I think the funniest thing she ever did was misunderstanding you, Kirito, on the night of your proposal." It was then Kirito's turn to laugh as Asuna wallowed in embarrassment.
"You all saw that?!" Asuna pouted, not comfortable with the new flow of things.
"Oh yeah." I replied. "It was everyone's favorite part in season one, certifying to all viewers everywhere that girls tend to take things a bit deeper than men."
"... That's what she said." Kirito, the most badass protagonist ever said with a snort.

"YOUR MOTHER HAD SO MANY BONES, SHE WAS CALLED THE WHORE OF BABYLON!" I taunted.

"YOU'VE GOT SO MANY BONES I'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU REMOVED THE ETHICS CODE OPTION!"

"I KNOW YOU'VE GOT BONES, BUT DO YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO USE THEM?!"

"YOU'RE SO UGLY, EVEN KIRBY WON'T EAT YOU!"

on. So she's Leafalicious, whatever the hell that means, now go on!"
He smiled and continued.
"Anyway, I met her in this game, but I already know her, blah blah blah, knowledge about the future, blah blah blah..."
Then he looked at me straight in the eyes.
"The thing is; I don't know how to make her like me back! The past few days, I've been acting all awkward around her and I don't know the hell is wrong with me! It's like I want me to fail, but I want to succeed too, but I know it's useless, but I feel like I have to try, but at the same time, I feel like all the effort in the world would have gone to waste, until, well, let's just say my time has come again..."
I sat there, silently making out all the words he just said.
"Sorry, I couldn't help but quote Half-Life 2 even though it was completely pointless saying that shit in the middle of this conversation, but I can't pull myself together!
-Late Game

In any case, we still had time to kill before the big shit came through the fan to spray most of us in a brown surprise.