A chill spreads through Yeonjun's body, starting from his neck and pooling in his underarms. He touches his stomach with flat hands, then presses his fingernails in deep. He scratches and scratches at his abdomen, whimpering, until he draws blood. The sight of the droplets bubbling up against the surface of his skin, chromatic and viscous, stops his breath.

There's something inside him, sharing his blood.

He snatches his phone and calls the only person he thinks would understand.

"Hello?"

"Beomgyu," Yeonjun whispers, his voice shaking. He glances at his own reflection in the mirror — his face is white, as if there's no blood in it. "Can you come over? It's an emergency."

"What's going on?" Beomgyu asks.

"I— I'm—" Yeonjun can't say it. "Please, just come over."

"Give me fifteen minutes."

In those fifteen minutes, Yeonjun manages to exit the bathroom. He curls up in the couch, burying his face against his knees. A baby. There is a baby inside him. A baby that will love him, that will grip his pinky finger with its tiny hand, that will look at him with the entire world in its eyes. That will smile at him, all gums and round cheeks.

That will drool all over him, spit up on him, that will scream all night. That will drink from his body like it's nothing more than a resource, that will steal his sleep, his health, his body, his mind, his freedom. It will secure him to Juwon like a pair of handcuffs. It will lock him inside his home. This thing will eat his life.

Beomgyu knocks at the door, and Yeonjun answers without speaking.

"What happened?"

Yeonjun still can't say it, so he leads Beomgyu to the bathroom and shows him the tests.

Beomgyu smiles, but it's more polite than anything. "This is a good thing, right?"
Yeonjun squeezes his eyes shut, pushing out tears.

"Oh," Beomgyu says, taking Yeonjun into his arms. He cups the back of Yeonjun's skull with his hand. "I'm so sorry."

Yeonjun whimpers against Beomgyu, the sound high and strident. It's not a noise Yeonjun's ever heard himself make.

"It's okay, it's okay," Beomgyu says.

"I can't keep it," Yeonjun says.

Beomgyu huffs. "Yeah. Okay, let's go sit down."

On the couch, Yeonjun still can't fully detach himself from Beomgyu. He grips onto his forearms, staring down at the white couch. How can they have a white couch with a baby? It's going to vomit and shit all over it.

"Whatever you want to do, I'm behind you," Beomgyu says. "But I don't understand. Weren't you and your husband trying for a baby?"

"He was," Yeonjun sniffs. "But I've been taking birth control behind his back."

"Oh."

Yeonjun peaks up at Beomgyu's face; his eyes wide with surprise, the rest of his face smooth as a placid lake. Is Beomgyu judging him? Is this how Beomgyu feels all the time, on the other side of Yeonjun's gaze?

"Why didn't you tell him that you don't want a baby?" Beomgyu asks.

"Because he wants a baby."

Beomgyu takes a deep breath, hugs Yeonjun again.

Muffled against Beomgyu's sweatshitr, Yeonjun mumbles, "I need to get an abortion."

"Okay. Let's go to the OBGYN. Let's go together."

Beomgyu searches for doctors nearby while Yeonjun takes slow, deliberate breaths on the couch, trying to leave his body behind. His body, which has another body inside it, tiny and vulnerable and wholly reliant on him. Goodbye, Yeonjun thinks, hating the thing inside him.

After calling a few clinics nearby, Beomgyu stands up and holds out his hand to Yeonjun. "Come on. Fetus deletus."

Yeonjun bursts out in laughter, shocked by Beomgyu's crassness. Beomgyu grins, clearly proud of himself.

Beomgyu holds him in the elevator, in the taxi, in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Beomgyu's pheromones are strong, calming, and clearly deliberate. It's strange to depend on Beomgyu. Young, irresponsible, stupid Beomgyu, who is the only thing between him and complete alienation. Sweet Beomgyu, who won't let go of his hand.

"Choi Yeonjun," the receptionist calls, and is it really necessary to say his name that loudly? For everyone in the world to hear?

Tears spring to Yeonjun's eyes, and he's pinned down to his seat by an insurmountable, invisible weight.

"Come on, you can do this," Beomgyu says, pulling Yeonjun to his feet.

Yeonjun lies on a cot as they do an ultrasound of his stomach. He expects the gel to be cold, like it is in the movies — but just as everything else in his life, it doesn't feel as he expected. Maybe this is all a mistake; maybe the tests were false positives.

"You are pregnant," the doctor says. An alpha wearing scent blockers. "You're about five weeks along."

Yeonjun shakes his head; he can't stop crying. Beomgyu squeezes his hand, rubs makes circles with his thumb.

"Would you like to see the ultrasound?" The doctor asks.

"No," Beomgyu blurts out. "He doesn't."

"I need. Um." He feels so ashamed. "I need an abortion."

The doctor nods, looks at the forms Yeonjun filled out in the waiting room. "Are you sure? It says on your form that you're married."

"I'm sure," Yeonjun says.

"I see. Well, at five weeks, an abortion is no problem. We can probably schedule you for tomorrow or the next day," the doctor says. "We'll just need your husband's signature."

"My husband's signature?" Yeonjun echoes.

"The law dictates that the father needs to agree to the abortion."

"What if... What if I don't know who the father is?"
Beomgyu's fingers freeze.

The doctor's face seems to close down, like shutters being drawn over a window.

"You're married," the doctor says, his voice cold and slow. "So your husband is the father. He needs to sign."

Yeonjun can't speak, and as the silence stretches into something awkward, Beomgyu clears his throat.

"Alright. We'll make an appointment."

At the receptionist's desk, Beomgyu speaks for him, scheduling the appointment for the next afternoon.

Outside, the cold air burns Yeonjun's lungs. How can he possibly get Juwon to agree to this? Tell Juwon he doesn't want a baby? That's out of the question. And even if he did, what if the doctor told Juwon that Yeonjun isn't sure about the father?

How could Yeonjun tell Juwon that he's been lying about wanting a baby, just to appease him? It could destroy them. Yeonjun always thought that he would just take the birth control for a little while, until he felt ready for a baby. But that feeling never came.

Putting love aside, Yeonjun can't live without Juwon. His family basically disowned Jimin just for being a rebellious teenager, what would they do if Yeonjun got a divorce? And it's not as if Yeonjun can simply get a job to support himself. He graduated from college over two years ago and has nothing to show for it. The current job market is difficult for people with plenty of experience — what kind of job could Yeonjun possibly get now? Certainly nothing that could cover the key money for an apartment.

"What did you mean, you don't know who the father is? Were you just trying to get around the law?" Beomgyu asks.

Yeonjun stares at the pile of snow next to the sidewalk. Does he have it in him to lie again? Does he have it in him to admit to anything more?

"It's Soobin, isn't it?" Beomgyu asks.

Yeonjun meets Beomgyu's eye, gives a minuscule nod.

"How many times?"

"I don't know. Maybe ten. Probably more."

Beomgyu pales. "Oh my god. You guys are having an actual affair."

"Don't say it like that," Yeonjun says.

"How else can I say it?" Beomgyu says, and his voice is filled with venom.

How can Beomgyu possible judge him for this? How can Beomgyu look down on him? How many people has Beomgyu had sex with? Yeonjun's only ever had sex with two. Beomgyu parties every weekend, makes out with strange alphas in clubs, brings them home sometimes. He's loud and disobedient, he's improper and brazen. He's the only person in world Yeonjun thought wouldn't judge him.

"This is a big deal. You're cheating on your husband with my best friend."

"You don't even like my husband. You were the one who said Soobin was cute, for me!"

Beomgyu shakes his head. "I didn't think you were actually going to fuck him! And Soobin adores you. He's going to get hurt."

"I'm not exactly unscathed either."

"Wow, I wonder how that could have been avoided."

His face is exactly the same as the doctor's — cold, superior. Any sympathy, any willingness to help, seems to vanish as soon as Yeonjun's told him the truth. It's just as it always has been — only his mask can be loved.

"Beomgyu, please," Yeonjun says, his voice cracking. "I know I did something bad. I know I'm a liar, and a coward, and selfish, but please. I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared, Beomgyu, I just need you to—"

Beomgyu slams into him, hugging him tight. "Okay," he says. "Okay, I'm here. We'll figure this out together."

***

Beomgyu and Yeonjun go to four other OBGYNs, trying to find a way around their rule. They lie on the form, writing that he was single. But everyone can smell it on him, the fact that he's mating. Some of the doctors look at him with sympathy, telling him, "I wish I could help you, but I can't break the law.

It's two in the afternoon when Yeonjun finally cracks.

"I can't do this anymore," he declares. I can't keep hearing them say no." He presses his face against a pole, his eyes just centimeters from the disgusting metal. He wants to smash his head against it.

Beomgyu pulls him off of the pole. "Then let's go home. Come on, I'll call a taxi."

"No, no." Tears begin to freeze on Yeonjun's cheeks.

"Yes. Come on."

But the idea of piling into a stuffy taxi with his puffer on nauseates him. He's already trapped.

"Then let's walk."

Beomgyu agrees and begins to navigate them home. He tries to hold Yeonjun's hand, but Yeonjun shakes him off, unable to be touched, unable to be comforted. Beomgyu knows better than to speak. They just walk together, the cold seeping through Yeonjun's feet and numbing his toes. His nose and ears burn in the cold, his fingers too. He takes off his jacket, as if the baby can be frozen and fall out of him in a chunk of ice, but Beomgyu insists he put it back on. The only words he speaks their entire journey.

He walks through the streets of Seoul, through parks and across bridges, without truly seeing any of it. He could be anywhere, in any city. Without Beomgyu walking with him, Yeonjun would just keep walking straight forever, until his his entire body froze.

When they finally arrive at home, Beomgyu unties his boots for him, pulls off his socks and hangs up his jacket. When Yeonjun sits down on the couch, Beomgyu lays Narae over his feet, so her heat can get his blood flowing again. Narae, his practice baby, the only baby he truly wants. Beomgyu makes Yeonjun some tea, wedges it in between his frozen fingers. Then, he sits with Yeonjun, just staring.

As Yeonjun's body's thaws, so does his mind. The ice melts, and jumbled images flow out. Screaming babies, gory deliveries, diapers filled with shit, bloodshot eyes staring over a crib.

The thought of keeping this baby, of tying himself forever to this life that he couldn't last two years in before rebelling. The thought of a baby, a living, breathing person, innocent and loving, that Yeonjun would hate because it would be his captor. What else did he want in his life? A writing career, artistic fulfillment? He'll never have that with a baby. He knows himself, he's not strong enough to do it all. And Juwon won't want a nanny — why should they hire him, when Yeonjun is a housewife anyway? Children should be raised by their parents, not by someone who only loves them only as much as their paycheck. God, it's all over.

Sweat breaks out all over his body, his chest itching like it's covered in insects, his ears ringing. He needs to find a way out.

He can do it himself. It's been done before.

Their apartment had a spare bedroom, one they had planned would become a nursery. For now, it stored Juwon's at-home gym equipment: heavy weights. Yeonjun grabs a 15 kilogram dumbbell and lies on the ground. He extends his arms up, and drops the weight over his womb.

His vision goes white, as if the entire world was a blank sheet of paper. On instinct, he curls onto his side, clutching his abdomen as he coughs. Stomach acid surges into the back of his mouth and burns his throat.

He has to persist. He forces himself onto his back once more, but as he lifts the weight above him, it's pulled from his hands.

"What are you doing?" Beomgyu cries. He struggles with the weight for a moment, then lays it on the floor.

"If a doctor won't give me an abortion, I'll do it myself."

Yeonjun crawls towards the other weights, still shaking and week from the initial impact. Beomgyu drops to his knees and grabs Yeonjun's arm from under him, sending Yeonjun's shoulders and chin falling to the ground. He bites his tongue hard enough to taste blood. Yeonjun tries to pick himself back up, but Beomgyu tugs at him, pulling him closer. Yeonjun pushes, adrenaline giving him strength, but Beomgyu doesn't let go.

"You're going to hurt yourself!" Beomgyu says.

"But I can't — I have to —"

"People die from that!"

Yeonjun finally went slack, giving into Beomgyu. His life is ending now, one way or another. Either he dies in his attempts to save himself, or he dies up his life for a baby. Not just for a baby, but for his husband, for his parents, for his home. This was it: the last gasp of the boy he had once been. That boy — the true Yeonjun, sealed up by his family's expectations — would finally die. There could be a third death as well. If he told Juwon, then the omega he carefully, intentionally became, would no longer exist. That perfect omega was seven years in the making, but with anyone knowing he didn't truly want a baby, he would disappear.

Yeonjun begins to cry, heaving into Beomgyu's chest. Beomgyu no longer restrained him, but only held him.

"It'll be okay," Beomgyu says, but Yeonjun knows it's just a platitude. "We will figure this out."

"How can we?" Yeonjun whimpers. "There's no way out. I can't tell Juwon. I really can't."

"Why not?"

"He thinks I want a baby. He thinks I'm — I'm a perfect omega, and I'm not, because I don't want a baby. I don't. I can't tell him."

"But you need to."

"I can't. I just need to have the baby. Or get rid of it myself. Those are my choices." They both make Yeonjun sick, but he doesn't see any other way.

"Doing it yourself is totally out of the question. It's too dangerous."

Yeonjun nods. "I guess if I died from it, he would find anyway, too."

Beomgyu pulls away from him, his expression disbelieving and nearly offended. His mouth moves like he's about to say something. But he shakes his head.

"And having the baby..." Beomgyu finally says. "You can't do that, come on. You're really going to make yourself miserable, just because you can't give up on looking perfect?"

"Yes, I guess so."

"Oh my god. Yeonjun, wake up," Beomgyu says, raising his voice. His lips curl, and redness bleeds into his face. "If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for the baby. You're really going to bring a whole new person into the world just for this facade? That baby will have a mind, a soul. If you don't truly want it, or truly love it, it will suffer. You think children can't tell when they're unwanted? You think when it grows up, it won't know that it ruined your life?"

Yeonjun gazes into the corner of a room where they might put a crib. A baby would lie there. So tiny, so vulnerable. So hated. The room turns gray around him, as if the world has become an old movie. A silent film, perhaps. Yeonjun can't go there.

"Okay," Yeonjun whispers. "I'll — I'll tell him."

"Will he agree to it?"

Yeonjun doesn't know. Juwon has never tried to overpower Yeonjun in such an extreme way, but he's never had a reason to. Yeonjun has always enthusiastically acquiesced to whatever Juwon wanted — an apartment in Cheongdam, a wedding date just after Yeonjun's graduation, a job that wouldn't allow them a honeymoon, a house-omega. What might Juwon do, faced with a spouse whose desires conflict with his own? It would be so easy for him to force a victory.

And with the inevitable betrayal Juwon will feel after learning that Yeonjun has been lying to him for years, he won't have much sympathy. How much will his rage sway his decision? How many alphas have snatched omegas' bodies from them, just because they cannot control their anger? Is Juwon one of those alphas? He's defended them. He works with them. He's even friends with some of them. They're a bit extreme, but it's just politics, he would say. Nothing personal. Well, now it's Yeonjun's womb — doesn't get much more personal than that.

Yeonjun slumps against Beomgyu. Sweet Beomgyu, who only wants his friends not to get hurt. Who lives his with no protection, but wants to protect those around him. Who Yeonjun castigates in his mind, but who was the only person he could trust when he saw those two lines.

Beomgyu, who senses Yeonjun's uncertainty, and says, "We'll figure it out."

We.