I was hyped, as I was so into the idea of having it, of having your company - with you being 100% the product of my imaginations.

And now? I'm sitting here, crippling in my anxiety. You know your ways to trigger me, and you do it so well, so naturally, as if not a single thought of bad intentions ever crossed your mind. In fact, maybe you've never had any sort of bad intentions. The thought of that scares me even more. 

I have eventually realized how we're definitely not compatible, yet I'm stupid enough to once again, dived deeper into this. 

"It's not what it seems", I'm not sure if I have ever felt that harder than I am right now. The cover and the book have nothing to do with each other. I should have known better and said "no". But today, curiosity killed the cat. I died a little inside. Just because of my thoughts and wonders of how things could have been. There's no such thing. There's absolutely nothing, and therefore, there will never be anything.

At least I've learned my lessons now. Or at least I think so. Or at least I know that I should stay as far away from you as possible, just for the sake of my own well-being. 

I've spent so much time building up my "confidence" - or I'd rather say my pretentious way of being confident. You, with your words and your no-one's- ever- asked- for opinions, shattered me. Your ways of caring scare me to death. 

Somehow yesterday I practiced answering those questions to myself - naked to the mirror as if deep down I knew it was a possibility that you would do such things. I guess I knew. I am stupid.

You have not only destroyed all the positive feelings I've ever had towards you, but you've also managed to destroy my confidence to ever feel like I'm adequate to be liked - and even to like. 

So it turns out that I've just been living in the happiness that I've made up. I don't feel valued. I feel like I have no values. 

Why did I do that to myself and lend you an ear? And why the hell did you choose me to be your victim? Now I don't want to let you invade my space and memories. But you've already managed to do that and I willingly let you, before I could ever know what I've gotten myself into.

I feel damaged, yet relieved. I know now, I'm glad I know you better at this point in time where I can still take it. I'm vulnerable but at least I'm not at my worst stage now. I can take this.

And now what? It's surely going to take a while until I feel okay again.

I now understand why you don't have any close friends at all. It's not your choice. Everything happens for a reason. You seem like a better person with your mouth closed. I like it better that way.

You make me wonder what you saw in me that made you talk to me the way you did. But no matter what, it's not my fault. There's nothing wrong with me this time. You and your problematic self are certainly going to hurt a lot of people.

You did not make me feel wanted, you made me feel used.