She felt warm hands thread through her hair, gently pulling it back, strand by strand. Almost instinctively, she closed her eyes, a small smile beginning to form on her lips. "A-Qing ah," a worn, weathered but loving voice called out, but that wasn't enough to snap her out of her reverie. Phantom hands weaved around her, bringing her hair into little plaits, brushing against the nape of her neck, something she'd missed.

"A-Qing ah," and for a moment, she was back in the past, the once-familiar scent of roses filling her senses. "A-Qing had grown," her mother's voice drifts through her mind again, drowning her in a time of serenity. She could hear the smile on the tip of her mother's lips, the soft blush she sported as a familiar silhouette stepped by, holding the hands of a chubby little boy. A-Ning. A-Die.*

Warm chuckles filled the room, accompanied by whispers of congrats, filling her with warmth. Crimson robes cascaded down her frame, draping around her elegantly, the silk a smooth banner, the embroidery on her robes so intricate that she could barely feel the scrape of thread against skin. Still, warm fingers threaded through her hair, fluttering around her like a butterfly, as flowers and precious gems were interwoven delicately into her hair, the usually loose and unkempt strands of ebony hair drawn into an elaborate plait, not unlike the ones her mother used to wear.

But she didn't wear one today. Instead, her hair was drawn into a simple high bun, held together by a single gold ornament, with a simple ruby glittering in it. Smiling, she leaned down to tie the last ribbon in place, before stepping back to enjoy her masterpiece.

But the silence didn't last very long, disrupted by the sure sound of footsteps incoming. Without looking up, Wen Qing knew who it was.

"Uncle," she smiled warmly at the approaching figure, who grinned back at her, and easy smile thrown on his lips. In his hands lay a gilt box, simple but inlaid with garnets. The sigil of a dragon emblazoned with a tiger was etched skillfully into the precious metal, befitting of a princess.

Still smiling, he handed the box over, which she accepted with both hands. "Uncle, I-"

"No need to say anything, Wen Qing. Happy 16th birthday!"

Wen Qing felt her mother's fingers petting against her back softly, her mouth opening to thank him, but not before Wen Qing did. "Uncle, thank you!"

Wen Ruohan simply chuckled, his ebony eyes glittering with warmth and mirth. "No need to thank me, A-Qing. Take good care of it,"

And so she did.

If only that had lasted, but idyllic memories could only last so long.

It was the last warmth she remembered of him before he went rogue. Rogue. It was fascinating how the five letters had been used to encapsulate what he'd done, when there was no justifying the actions he'd taken, nothing to forgive the maniac he'd become. But Wen Ruohan wasn't someone who'd sought for forgiveness, anyway, not even in the tender years Wen Qing had known him. It was almost odd, how much you could love someone and hate them at the same time.

How much you could love someone, even with the words unsaid, how much you could resent someone, anger bubbling right beneath the surface where it hurt the most. Like water crashing against the delicate crack in a pane of otherwise impenetrable glass, screaming to be let out as pressure built under.

No matter how strong that glass pane could be, it would eventually collapse.
There was no escaping it, no escaping fate.

So when the time came, she'd simply jumped ship. She still remembered the look of horror on his face, filled with a mixture of fury and disgust, but most of all, hurt. Still remembered the way he'd danced around her on the battlefield, making sure to send anyone coming her way back when he could, protecting her even after the betrayal. Still remembered the fleeting look of anguish that flashed across his features as the blade swung up through his heart, which quickly twisted into one of bitter regret.

"A-Qing," he'd called out, even as crimson blood spilt past his lips, staining his white and red robes, the bright red sigil of flames stained by blossoms of crimson. "I'm sorry," the words spilt over his lips. He took one more look at her, the energy draining out of his inky-black eyes, not unlike her own. "Shu shu* is..." His eyes fluttered shut as his body slumped to the ground, nearly lifeless. "Sorry."

Then everything else happened in such a quick succession, that Wen Qing could barely keep up anymore. She wasn't sure if she'd attend his funeral procession, with everything after his death a blur. It shouldn't hurt, that much she knew, not when the Uncle she'd loved became a monster. But she couldn't help it, couldn't help but mourn the loss of the man she'd once thought she knew, perhaps once had actually known. But the smiling man in front of her had crumbled, leaving behind a rotting husk of the Uncle she'd known. One that had become so convoluted and putrid that Wen Qing didn't think she'd have been able to look him in the eye without punching him if she hadn't seen the ghost of him.

The ghost of the man who'd placed the coronet, intricately woven and painstakingly crafted onto her head, the glittering rubies resting on her plaited hair, making her feel like a princess. The sound of her mother's delighted laughter filled the room, the cacophany of sounds tricking through her ears, embedding into her soul. It was the last time she'd remembered feeling safe, with her family next to her, surrounding her. Loving her.

But each of them left, one by one. Mama, Baba, and even Shu shu. Only A-Ning remained, and now, even he is gone.

The pang of pain hit harder than she hoped it would, but there wasn't really anything to numb the pain, to cushion it when almost everything you'd once known, once loved had been wrenched from you. When the guilt of being alive ate away at you, searing through your heart, the loneliness of it sizzling into your soul, melting away your insides. Is this what Wei Ying felt?

She knew it couldn't have been more than hours when she'd seen her brother's corpse carried away, lifeless on the ground. Watched as the blood ebbed out of him slowly, his weathered breathing an uncertain tethering, with every atom in her body screaming "one more second," until there were none left.

They'd forced her to watch in every second, refusing to let her close her eyes. They savoured the screams of anguish, her hopeless attempts to get to her brother. No matter how hard she thrashed or how she hit, the guards were relentless. She doubted she'd managed to move even an inch, and for a moment she felt herself pondering who the real monster was.

Quietly, she heard the door squeaking open, footsteps echoing through the room, reminding her of the first time. There wasn't much time left. "Thank you, Ah-yi, " she whispered to the reclining figure. "I love you," but her whispers were lost to the wind. She didn't dare to ask how the older lady had gotten here, but she didn't dare to question either. Odd, wasn't it? The place that would serve as her end, was the last place to offer her comfort.

The smooth silk robes were replaced by stained hemp, which scratched against her skin, tears trickling down her face. The jewels and flowers were missing, long forgotten. But her hair remained braided, and as the knife pressed against her throat, Wen Qing held her head high, her eyes fluttering shut, just as they had the first and only time she'd put the coronet on.

Remember.

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A/N: 1330 words! So...this was an unexpected oneshot, lol- I thought or write some part of it in my head before my exams to calm me down- I didn't think it'd be this long, but...once I started, I couldn't stop. Not sure if I meant for it to be this angsty, but it's interesting since I don't remember much of Wen Qing and Wen Ruohan's relationship- thought it was fun to explore- also, my first fanfic from Wen Qing's POV- yay! So sorry I haven't updated in so long- (I can't believe it's been 2 months) I've been in a bit of a sluml lately, and school is kicking my ass, so I didn't have much time to write. Thank you guys so much for reading and waiting, I hope you enjoyed this! ❤️

*A-die is dad, and Shu shu is uncle