3k already!? Y'all are insane!

~~~~~

Zak: I've been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for ages now. No response!
Bad: Wow, they sound stupid
Zak: They're really not. Actually, they're pretty damn smart, just dense
Bad: Maybe you need to be more obvious then? Like say "hey, I love you"
Zak: I guess you're right. Hey Bad, I love you
Bad: See, just like that!
Zak: Oh my god...
Bad: If that flies over their head, then sorry geppy, but they're too dumb for you

~~~~~

Techno: You're my third favorite brother
Tommy:
Tommy: Techno, you only have three brothers-

~~~~~

Tubbo: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Wilbur: Prettiest smile
Phil: nicest personality
Tommy: most likely to start a bar fight
Techno: Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one

~~~~~

Dream: Two years ago, I married my best friend
Bad: awwww
Dream: George is still upset about it, but Sapnap and I were drunk at the time and thought it would be funny
Bad: O-oh

(Dream and SapNap would do that tho)

~~~~~

Eret: I'm bisexual
Tubbo: I thought you were European???

~~~~~

Zak: *gets a paper cut* SON OF A-
Bad: Skeppy! *gestures to Tommy and Tubbo* Children!
Zak: -iiiiiiiiiiiiisssscut. Son of a biscuit.
Bad: Nice save!
Zak: Yeah, fucking nailed it!

~~~~~

Bad: My policy is "if you see something, say something"
Tubbo, raising his hand: I saw a frog on the sidewalk yesterday
Bad: Outstanding, this is what I'm talking about, people!

~~~~~

Wilbur: Calm down guys, we don't need to be this competitive!
Wilbur:
Wilbur: Oh who am I kidding, this is Minecraft, we need to murder each other

(Based on what I heard my cousin say while playing Tetris on the switch)

~~~~~

George, sitting at a very tall table: :(
Dream, picking up George and putting him on his lap: Here, Lemme help you, dude
Georg, who can actually see over the table now: :)

~~~~~

*knocking at the door*
Tubbo: I hope it's death

~~~~~

Techno: As much as I hate to admit, you'll make a good dad one day
Phil: I'm already a dad
Wilbur: We don't count
Phil, slamming his hands on a table: YOU TAKE THAT BACK

(Does Philza have actual biological kids or anything? I'm legitimately curious)

~~~~~

Tommy: Okay, I admit I can be a little petty sometimes
Tubbo: You once edited a Wikipedia page to win an argument with Techno
Tubbo: And you still lost

~~~~~

Tubbo: Is anyone here actually straight?
Eret:
Ant:
TapL:
Puffy:
Niki:
RedVelvet:
Smajor:
George: *raises hand*
Dream: *grabs George's hand, interlocks their fingers, and brings it back down*

(Future me)
(Added a few more people bc yeah)
(Also for anyone who doesn't know, Red Velvet is Ants boyfriend :))

~~~~~

Tubbo: it's interesting getting older and realizing that adults are not smart
Tubbo: I had my suspicions, but I didn't know it was this bad

(Yes, he's talking about all the adults in the SMP)

~~~~~

Wilbur: If I cut my leg off, and swing it at your head, am I hitting you or kicking you?
Techno: You'll probably mentally scar me more than anything

(Phil in the background, sighing: Alright, it's back to the physiatrist for you, Wilbur)
(Wilbur is the insane child, and we love it)

~~~~~

Tubbo: Now of course it's time to hit the road!
Tubbo: *starts aggressively slapping the pavement*

~~~~~

Bad: I'm telling you, the love of my life is gonna come through that door!
Vurb: I highly doubt that. What if it's some wrinkly old dude?
Zak: *walks in, drinking a soda* Whats up?
Bad:
Vurb:
Zak, confused:
Vurb: I stand corrected, you're completely correct

~~~~~

Fandom: wait, you're bi!?
TapL: Yeah, I'm just not open about it. Unlike some people...
Eret, walking in wearing 5-inch heeled thigh-high boots, strawberry dress, crown, and the bi flag as a cape: *pushes Wilbur* Move, I'm gay

~~~~~

Tubbo, reading a recipe: "beat three eggs" at what? Hand to hand combat?
Tommy: Must be, Philza banned bats in the kitchen last week

~~~~~

Techno: Act nonchalant!
Tubbo: *does the robot*
Tommy: *joins in*
Techno: What are you doing?
Tommy: I don't know what nonchalant means!
Techno: So you're doing the robot!?

(nonchalant is basically a fancy word for calm/normal btw)

~~~~~

Tommy: We protest you calling us 'little kids'
Tubbo: We prefer to be called 'vertically-impaired pre-adults'

(Tubbo has 2 phases when it comes to big words)
(He doesn't understand them at all)
(Or he becomes Technoblade)

~~~~~

George: You're cooking?
Sapnap: yeah?
George: You sure that's a god idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows

(He has his headband, he can cover up his nonexistent eyebrows)

~~~~~

Bad: I regret giving you that blender
Zak, drinking a sandwich: Why?

~~~~~

Vurb: Hey Bad, nice hoodie! It looks good on you.
Bad: Aw, thank you!
Vurb: You know where it would look even better?
Vurb: Zaks floor
Bad:
Zak:
Zak: D-did you just hit on him for me?
Vurb: Well, someone has to. You're both so oblivious that it hurts.

(After A6d got cancelled, Vurb has taken up the position of the king of the Skephalo ship)

~~~~~

Techno, dragging in a sheepish looking Wilbur: You know you're not actually our dad, right?
Phil, holding Tommy by the scruff of his neck: The moment you guys stop acting like children is the moment I stop acting like your dad

~~~~~

Phil: Why am I considered the most responsible one?
Wilbur: I once broke my hand after getting really into a song and hitting my hand on the wall accidentally
Tommy: I once stuck my hand in the toaster because I wanted my toast right at that second
Techno: I once ate ice cream with a knife because I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I had to do dishes
Tubbo: I almost crashed a car because I saw a dog on the sidewalk
Phil:
Phil: Remind me to never ask you guys ever again

~~~~~

Techno: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life
Phil: Please never become a surgeon

(Me, who wants to be a surgeon: )

~~~~~

Techno: I'm on two hours of sleep right now. I'm either extremely happy or violently homicidal
Wilbur; Please sleep

~~~~~

Techno: What's wrong?
Wilbur: I have this headache that comes and goes
Tommy: *walks in*
Wilbur: Ah, there it is again

(He loves his little brother tho)

~~~~~

Quackity: So is this thing between Bad and Skeppy supposed to be a secret?
Dream: Hardly
George: The only people who don't know about Bad and Skeppy are Bad and Skeppy

~~~~~

George: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?
Dream: Isnt that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

~~~~~

Bad, placing a cake on the table: Had a breakdown and started baking. Bon appetite.
The idots:
The DreamSMP:

~~~~~

Zelk: *carrying groceries in both arms*
Mega: *reaches to help*
Zelk: *switches all the groceries to one arm to hold Mega's hand*
Mega: That's not what I- okay

~~~~~

Techno: I'm not really an early bird or night owl
Techno: I'm a permanently exhausted pigeon

~~~~~

Quackity: You can't make everyone like you. You're not Tubbo.
Schlatt: Not everyone likes Tubbo though
Fundy: Who doesn't like Tubbo?
Schlatt: I don't know-
Quackity: We need names, Schlatt

~~~~~

Vurb: And now a gay update with Skeppy!
Zak, watching Bad do something badass: Getting gayer
Vurb: Thank you, Zak

(I NEED MORE BADASS BAD)

~~~~~

Zak: Bad and I-
Vurb: Are getting married?
Zak: What, no, we-
Vurb, taking out a giant composition notebook: Sit down, the idots and I planned the entire thing

~~~~~

Quackity: Everyone wants you, you know? You're like the hot girl every guy wants.
Bad: I'm the hot girl?
Quackity: Youre the hottest girl
Bad: I'm the hot girl
Zak, whispering: Yes, yes you are

(Let's count everyone that Bad is shipped with!)
(Zak, Clay, Nick, Quackity probably, Techno, Vincent...)
(That's 6 people I can name off the top of my head)
(And he's probably shipped with more)

~~~~~

Tommy, Wilbur, and techno: *screaming*
Phil, running in: WHATS WRONG, TECHNO!?
Tommy: Why are you only asking Techno? We're all screaming?
Phil: Because Techno doesn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you get the chance

~~~~~

Bad: What time is it?
Tommy, Tubbo, and Wilbur: SHOW TIME!!'
Techno, sighing: It's three, you idiots

(His brothers are total theater kids and he hates it)
(But he secretly loves it as well)
(ALSO, YES, TECHNICALLY THEY CLASSIFY AS THEATER KIDS IF THEY LIKE HAMILTON)
(I KNOW ITS WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAT THAT, BUT SHHHH)

~~~~~

Tommy: We're playing scrabble. It's a nightmare.
Wilbur: Scrabble? Scrabbles great
Tommy: Not when you're playing with Techno, it's not. He puts words like "ephemeral" and I put "dog"

(Don't play with English majors)
(Or writers)
(Trust me)
(My mom could beat our ass in Scrabble if she was willing to play with us)

~~~~~

Eret: Just another fun fact about curly hair; when you straighten it to stop people from grabbing it, they want to grab it more
Eret: We just can't win

(My phone tried to autocorrect Eret to erect, lol)
(Also, as someone with naturally curly hair, I hate straightening it)
(It gets super long and it gets under me every time I sit or lay down and I end tugging on my hair whenever I do anything)
(Idk how Rapunzel does it)

~~~~~

Anyone, to Tommy: Everything about you is so chaotic, how are you still alive?
Tommy: Im a dumbass and I have nothing to fear

~~~~~

Eret: Why is Fundy crying on the bathroom floor?
Dream: Hes drunk
Eret: Okay...?
Dream: And he heard I was engaged
Eret: Hes engaged to you though?
Dream: Yeah, he forgot

(Wait, if Eret adopted Fundy, wouldn't that technically mean that Dream would be his son-in-law...?)

~~~~~

Tubbo: It's really muggy out today
Tommy: If I go outside and see all the mugs out on the front lawn, I will kill you
Tubbo: *sips coffee from a bowl*

~~~~~

Techno: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE
Techno: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Tommy: Uh...
Wilbur: Hes trying to yell well-being and mental health in all of us
Techno: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Tubbo, crying: It's working

~~~~~

Tommy: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Tubbo: Absolutely, if we put little wheels under our shoes we could just rooooll around

~~~~~

Zak: I hate everyone here
Bad: Even me?
Zak: I said every one, not every ten

~~~~~

Tubbo: When I grow up, I want to be a cash register
Tommy: Not a cashier...but the actual cash register?
Tubbo: Yep :)

~~~~~

Wilbur: Oh yeah, I'm 100% capable to controlling my emotions
Techno: You cried for an hour yesterday because Niki smiled at you
Wilbur: YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT, TECHNO!

(I love on how small Wilbur gets around Niki, I'm sorry)
(They're precious :3)

~~~~~

Tommy: *sighs*
Tubbo: You bored?
Tommy: Yeah
Tubbo: Wanna go cause chaos for no apparent reason?
Tommy, beaming: I thought you'd never ask!

~~~~~

Wilbur: You can trust me, Phil!
Phil: I don't even trust the way you just said I could trust you

~~~~~

Zak: I love you
Bad: I love you too, but it doesn't mean I'm trusting you with my knives

(C'mon Bad, just teach your boyfriend how to throw knives and murder people!)

~~~~~

Dream: So how the hell did you manage to hit a6d with your car?
Zak: Well, Bad was driving and he didn't see the deer on the road, so I yelled "Bad, deer!"
Dream: And...?
Bad:
Bad: I answered "yes honey?"

~~~~~

Bad: Words ending in ie are so cute! Cutie, sweetie, cookie-
Techno: Die

(I mean-)

~~~~~

Tommy: Would we still be friends if I did something really bad?
Tubbo: Of course!
Tommy: Like something really bad?
Tubbo: yeah...?
Tommy: Like something really really bad?
Tubbo: Jesus Tommy, what did you do!?

~~~~~

Vurb: So how was the honeymoon?
Bad: Geppy got drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire
Bad: He said "good luck returning me without the receipt"

(If I already did this quote before, I'm sorry, but it's everywhere and it's hard finding good quotes to use that I haven't used already)

~~~~~

Wilbur: Would you say you're independent?
Tubbo: *looks over at Tommy*
Tommy: *nods*
Tubbo: I'd say so, yeah

~~~~~

Techno: And now we're stuck with an evil gremlin child!
Tommy: You're not stuck with an evil gremlin child
Wilbur: Yeah, we're stuck with a gremlin child

(Why do I keep thinking of that one moment in Among Us when Tubbo killed Wilbur and he groans and says "Youuuu chilllld")
(If you can hear that, you're welcome :))

~~~~~

Phil: Techno is at that very special age where there's only one thing on his mind
Wilbur: Girls?
Phil: Homicide

(TEENAGE TECHNO TEENAGE TECHNO TEENAGE TECHNO)
(Ive seen so many books primarily about Phil raising Tommy/Tubbo or maybe even Wilbur, but Techno is always thrown to the side and kinda forgotten about)
(Where is my Philza raising a smartass Technoblade that also loves bloodshed fic!?)
(If I have to make it myself I will)

~~~~~

Wilbur: This is why you're my favorite child
Fundy: I'm your only child

(The oneshot in my drafts where Fundy is a mischievous furry baby: 👀)

~~~~~

What are good responses for getting stabbed?
Bad: Well that's rude
Sapnap: That's fair
George: Not again
Techno: That better not leave a scar
Tubbo: Excuse me, but it looks like I got in the way of your knife
Tommy: Do you want this back or...?

(Dadza panicking in the background: AAAAAAA)

~~~~~

Bad: I thought you were better than this
Zak: You did?
Zak: Why?

~~~~~

George: Does anyone have anything to eat?
Dream: Well I mean, I'm always a snack-
George: I'm hungry Dream, not horny

~~~~~

Wilbur: Tommy, get out of my room!
Tommy, standing as close to the doorway as possible without actually being in the room: But I'm not in your room
Wilbur: I don't care, get out of my room!
Tommy: But I'm not in your room, so how could I get out of it?
Wilbur: Well, you're bothering me, so get out
Tommy: How can I be bothering you, I'm minding my own business!
Wilbur: Yeah, in my room
Tommy: But I'm not in your room
Wilbur: Phil! Tommy's in my room!
Phil, from his room: Tommy, get out of your brothers room
Tommy: BUT IM NOT EVEN IN HIS ROOM!
Phil, walking behind Tommy: Can you two not act like actual children for one second!?
Tommy: He started it!
Wilbur: No, you started it!
Phil: Unbelievable

~~~~~

Techno: How is it that "have a nice day" is nice, but "enjoy the next twenty-four hours" is threatening? They both mean the same thing!

~~~~~

Fandom: We made a cute ship between these two friends :)
Zak, pissed that it's already December and Darryl has still refused to meet him, even after the $50,000 worth of donations: You ruined a perfectly good guy, that's what you did! Look at him, he's got anxiety!

(Yes I know, it's not the fandoms fault (at least, not entirely))
(And I'm aware that Bad did say that they could meet up after the $50000 worth of donations, but idk)
(They did say that they'd meet up before the end of 2020, but I'm pretty sure they said that around the end up summer/beginning of fall (idk, I just saw a clip), and it's already December, so :/)
(Dammit Bad, just meet up with Zak already! He is so desperate, clearly! He just wanna see his BFFs face irl :( )

~~~~~

Techno: Humans have so many emotions! You only need two: anger and confusion

(And sarcasm)
(Also, this implies that Techno isn't human, and I, for one, stand by this)

~~~~~

Dream: How would you rate your anxiety
Bad: 0 stars, would not recommend

(Anxiety is a bitch)
(Like, just let me be a normal human without me being scared that I'm breathing so loud that the one kid on the other end of the classroom can hear me)
(Or that everyone is judging me for just existing in general)
(To those who don't have anxiety; what's it like??? I'm genuinely curious. I imagine it must be great not being anxious about being judged for every little thing)

~~~~~

Tubbo: All this stress is bad for the baby
Fundy: What baby?
Tubbo: Me

~~~~~

Techno: I child proofed my house but Tubbo and Tommy keep finding a way in

~~~~~

Vurb: Why don't you just go for it?
Zak: Because Hes straight
Vurb: How do you know?
Zak: Because I'm so attracted to him

(I'm a hypocrite, I know)

~~~~~

Tommy: And I jumped off the roof unscathed
Tubbo: You're bleeding from so many places
Tommy:
Tommy: I'm a little bit scathed

~~~~~

Bad: I don't want to live in a society, I want to live in a bookstore cafe

(I'm one of those people who would definitely go to a cafe and just sit there for a few hours and read or write while sipping on my tea every once in three hours)
(That is, if I didn't feel awkward to do so, and if there were any fucking cafes around here)
(Literally the only cafe that I know of in my area is like an hour away, downtown FortWorth)
(I hate the DFW area -_-)

~~~~~

Tommy: You remind me of an ocean
Techno: Because I'm deep and mysterious?
Tommy: Because you're salty and you scare people

~~~~~

Dream: *reading in his room*
George, from somewhere else in the apartment: YOU USED ME
Dream: What the-
Patches: *runs in with a piece of bacon in her mouth*

(Clay, tearing up: I have taught you well, my child)

~~~~~

Bad: I'm leaving
Zak: No, don't!
Bad: And I'm taking the brain cell with me!
Zak: NO, DONT!!!

(They share one brain cell collectively)

~~~~~

Phil: You three explain right now!
Techno: It was Wilbur!
Tommy: It was Wilbur!
Wilbur:
Wilbur: Fuck

~~~~~

Niki: Has anybody told you they love you?
Fundy: Do my parents count?
Niki: Of course!
Fundy: Then no

(Pretty sure Wilbur did at one point, but idk-)

~~~~~

Hope y'all enjoyed ~3k words worth of incorrect quotes

Don't expect this of me again because this took forever :)