Tubbo, in the hospital: the food here is crap.
Ranboo: you'll be released soon anyway, then you can eat my cooking :D
Tubbo: i mean...yours is kinda the same as this...

(It also may or may not be the reason why Tubbo is there in the first place)

~~~~~

Ranboo: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

~~~~~

While planning to break in somewhere
Schlatt : Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
Charlie: What?
Schlatt : "Get Help."
Charlie: No.
Schlatt : C'mon, you love it!
Charlie: I hate it.
Schlatt : It's great! It works every time!
Charlie: It's humiliating.
Schlatt : Do you have a better plan?
Charlie: No.
Schlatt : We're doing it!
Charlie: We are not doing "Get Help!"
A Minute Later
Schlatt , carrying Charlie: Get help! Please! He's dying! Help him! *throws Schlatt at guards, knocking them out*
Schlatt : Ahh, classic!
Charlie: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
Schlatt , laughing: Not for me, it's not.

~~~~~

c!Tommy, digging his grave: Long story short, this is my grave.......Want me to make you one too?

~~~~~

Charlie , in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!
Sapnap, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You're staying home and having my kids.
Puffy: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Charlie : Playing systemic oppression.

~~~~~

Eret: Why does Phil always do the laundry so loudly?
Schlatt: So everyone knows that no one helps him out in the house.
Phil, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*

(Like a true parent)

~~~~~

Goddess!Kristin: I'm a reverse necromancer.
Sapnap: Isn't that just killing people?
Goddess!Kristin: Ah, technically.

~~~~~

out grocery shopping
Eret: *takes a free sample twice*
Eret: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.

~~~~~

Schlatt: You want to know why people are so afraid of clowns? Well you know what people say about how their feet aren't the only thing that's big? And how people who drive really big cars have small dicks? Well clowns are out there with their big feet and tiny cars...

(FUCK HES GOT A POINT)

~~~~~

c!Wilbur: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I'm actually bi.

(Dude, did y'all see the ace race wedding this mcc?)
(Istfg, Wilbur is making a fucking telenovela with an mcc mini game)
(Like, as the whole thing was happening, I was picturing the whole scene in my head and it made it even more ridiculous)
(Especially when randboo was liek "walks down aisle cutely" "gives rings cutely")
(And I imagined just a gremlin Ranboo in his hatsune miku outfit being a majestic ring bearer)
(I need someone to animate it, pls for the love of god, I'm begging you)
(The more ridiculous the better)

~~~~~

Aimsey, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.
Ranboo, entering the room with a small cut on his ankle: Who the f-

~~~~~

Fundy: So... what's goin' on?
Scott: You want the long version or the short version?
Fundy, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?
Scott: Shit's fucked.
Fundy: Oh. Well, yeah, that's definitely not an optimal situation.

~~~~~

Tommy: I baked you a pie!
Wilbur: Really?! What flavor?
Tommy: *pulls gun out of the pie* DEATH!

~~~~~

Charlie : To everyone who has treated me poorly; I am sexier than you.

~~~~~

Wilbur: Look, last night was a mistake.
Scott: A sexy mistake.
Wilbur: No, just a regular mistake.

~~~~~

Phil: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone's cheeks, look into their eyes...
Phil: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
Karl: ...That took an unexpected turn.
Foolish: So did their neck.

~~~~~

Aimsey: I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person.

~~~~~

Phil: Hey, Karl you're smart, tell me what would happen if I chugged 3 gallons of chloroform.
Karl: Have you ever been to a mortuary?
Phil: Yea, my grandma lives there.
Wilbur: That is the worst response to that question.

~~~~~

Wilbur: Are you reading fan fiction?
Fundy, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.
Wilbur: Oh, is it on AO3?
Fundy: This is CNN.

(He's secretly hoping that Fundy is reading Wilbur's fic)

~~~~~

Fundy: Do you know the ABCs of first aid?
Kristin: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad.

~~~~~

Ranboo: Tubbo, please calm down.
Tubbo: I asked for two large fries!
Tubbo: *dumps fries onto table*
Tubbo: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!

~~~~~

Tubbo: *looks at Fundy*
Tubbo: Baby boy. Baby.
Tubbo: *looks at Tommy*
Tubbo: Evil.

~~~~~

Phil: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.
Kristin: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
Phil: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
Aimsey: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
Ranboo: Looks like someone's a HO.
Kristin: NaBrO.
Wilbur: I'm done with all of you!

(Hehe, chemistry jokes)

~~~~~

Kristin: What time is it?
Phil: I don't know, pass me that saxaphone and we'll find out
Phil: *BLASTS the saxaphone*
Fundy: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Phil: It's 2 am

~~~~~

Wilbur: I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.

~~~~~

Phil, in a horrible German accent: Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
Techno: Can I go to the bathroom?
Phil, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

~~~~~

Wilbur, rushing into the room: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset!
Ranboo: Wilbur, calm down! Aimsey, would you get Wilbur some water?
Aimsey: What is he gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, "Thank God, the water's here!"?

~~~~~

c!Fundy: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword.

~~~~~

Puffy: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves?
Phil: Milfs.
Tommy: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves.
Puffy: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for???
Kristin: Mom in late forties, dad in late fourties.
Kristin: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago.
Tommy: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck.
Puffy: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK—
Puffy: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY!
Kristin: Oh, is it not mom in late fouries?
Phil: What? No! It isn't!
Kristin: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME!
Tommy: Kristin...
Kristin: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION!
Tommy: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you.
Kristin: PUFFY, DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION!
Puffy: The word milf has been ruined for me.
Phil: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!
Tommy: you guys are dumbasses.

~~~~~

Tommy: Everyone synchronise your watches.
Aimsey: I don't know how to do that.
Wilbur: I don't wear a watch.
Ranboo: Time is a construct.

~~~~~

Aimsey, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
Schlatt: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...
Kristin, visibly confused: Okay, so he decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
Aimsey, spraying Schlatt: You FUCKING DUMBASS!
Schlatt: Dude, I forgot-
Aimsey: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400° FAHRENHEIT!?
Tubbo: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

~~~~~

Wilbur: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
Tubbo: Schrödinger's boys.
Aimsey: FUCK!
Tommy: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?
Techno: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
Techno: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
Wilbur:
Tubbo:
Aimsey:
Tommy:
Techno: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

~~~~~

Wilbur: Ah ready for another fantastic day of being better than Phil.

~~~~~

Techno: Wilbur is forbidden from monologuing.

~~~~~

Wilbur: Good morning!
Techno: Is it? Is it really?

~~~~~

Tommy: *watching his house burn down*
Tommy:
Tommy: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

~~~~~

Techno: Try not to roll your eyes at me.
Goddess!Kristin: I don't have pupils.

~~~~~

Phil: Are you ready to commit?
Kristin: Like, a crime or a relationship?

~~~~~

Phil: Valentines Day? I'm ready. *Sprays an entire can of AXE body spray on himself*