Techno: Would you shoot your best friend in the leg for ten million dollars?
Tommy: Tubbo, you shoot me, and then, when my leg gets better, we buy a mansion, twelve Ferrari's and a private plane
Tubbo: You shoot me too. That way, we get twenty million.
Tommy: Good idea

~~~~~

Wilbur: Where are you going?
Techno: Home. I need to reevaluate my life choices
Tommy: Okay, but if you're planning on turning evil again please give us a heads up this time

~~~~~

Tommy: Tubbo, did you drink the tea that was on the table?
Tubbo: yeah, it was really good
Tommy: Good! It'll kick in soon then.
Tubbo, suddenly feeling nervous: What will?
Tommy:
Tubbo: ...w-what will kick in...?
Tommy: *walks away*
Tubbo: TOMMY!?

(Spoiler alert:)
(He didn't do anything to the tea)
(He just wanted to freak Tubbo out)

~~~~~

*Techno and Tommy getting caught in L'manburg*

Techno: We don't want any trouble-
Tommy: I do
Techno: for once, CAN YOU GO WITH IT PLEASE

~~~~~

Fundy: You're so polite, dude!
Ranboo: Thanks, it's the crippling anxiety! :D

~~~~~

Techno: I guess you guys are kinda fun to be around sometimes...but I'm still only here for Phil though
Wilbur: I'm going to take that as a compliment!
Tommy: Well, I'm going to take that as an insult
Tommy: The fuck, man?

~~~~~

Tommy: You have friends and I envy that
Clay: You can share my friends if you want
Tommy: *looks over to George and Sapnap*
Tommy: I don't want those

~~~~~

Wilbur: Techno won't come out of his room
Phil: Just say something something wrong about Greek mythology
Wilbur: Like what?
Phil: Just anything factually incorrect
Techno, a few moments later: Did I just hear you say that Zeus was the god of the ocean!?

(Techno and I are so similar it's scary)
(Were both antisocial literature nerds that love Greek mythology and Minecraft)

~~~~~

Tubbo: Do you think different paints have different tastes?
Tommy: They do
Tubbo:
Tubbo: Why did you say that with such certainty?

~~~~~

Phil: Techno, you're looking stressed
Techno: Thanks, it's the stress

~~~~~

Techno: I am very laid back. I only care about two things; every person on earth and their opinion about me, and the crushing physiological weight of being alive

~~~~~

Phil: I hate to tell you this, but you have a heart and a capacity to feel
Techno: You take that back

~~~~~

Phil: You think I enjoy playing Mother Hen to you lot all the time!?
Wilbur, Techno, Tubbo, and Tommy: *stares at him incredulously*
Phil:
Phil: Okay fine, it's like crack to me

~~~~~

Techno: Be the chaos you wish to see in the world

~~~~~

Techno: I'm really exhausted, and I'm feeling just sort of existentially insane

~~~~~

Tommy: Is stabbing immoral?
Techno: Not if they consent to it
Wilbur: Depends who you're stabbing
Phil: YES!?

~~~~~

Tommy: I've done a lot of dumb stuff
Wilbur: I've witnessed the dumb stuff
Techno: I recorded the dumb stuff
Tubbo: I joined you in the dumb stuff
Phil: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF

(We love SBI, don't we?)

~~~~~

Wilbur: How do you feel about kids?
Techno: They're okay. If I saw one, I wouldn't throw a rock at it
Phil: Why would you throw a rock at a child...?
Techno: I just said I wouldn't

~~~~~

Techno: Humans are 70% water, so that leads me to believe that we're all cucumbers with anxiety
Techno: However, I am salty enough that I would probably be a pickle with anxiety

~~~~~

Tommy: Tubbo, you know you're my best friend on this bitch of an earth, right?
Tubbo: What did you do this time?

(Real question is, what hasn't he done)

~~~~~

Ranboo, chock full of trauma: I'm new in town, and it gets worse

(Literally he joins while one of the more serious parts of the role play is happening and he's just thrown in like-)
(That's like going to a play, not knowing the script or anything, and the actors pull you up from the audience and tell you to go along with it)

~~~~~

Bad: But still, isn't that taking advantage of people?
Dream: I see nothing wrong with taking advantage of the stupid
Techno: That's why we have stupid people

~~~~~

Phil: Don't start any fights
Techno: Okay, I won't start any fights
Techno: But I will finish them
Phil: No-

~~~~~

Wilbur: Before I do something, I ask myself "would Tommy do this?" And if the answer is yes, then I avoid doing it.

(So in Wilburs mind, since Tommy WOULDNT blow up L'manburg, he HAD to)

~~~~~

Tommy: Revenge is a waste of time
Techno: So is watching tv and eating candy. You do it because it feels good.

~~~~~

Techno: I used to think I was in a bad mood, but it's been a couple of years so I guess this is just who I am

~~~~~

Techno: That plan is incredibly impulsive and short-sighted
Tommy: Haven't you noticed that's my jam?

(I WILL NOT LET GO OF THE BOND THEY HAD IN ARC 4 AND YOU CANNOT MAKE ME)

~~~~~

Techno: Enough about sex positions
Techno: Does anyone know a reading position that doesn't get uncomfortable after 5 minutes!?

(Yes, I am projecting onto Techno way too much)
(No, I will not stop and you can't make me)

~~~~~

Techno, laying on the ground: SHUT THE FUCK UP GUYS
Phil, walking over: You okay, mate?
Techno: The voices Phil...they're so loud...
Phil: What are they saying?
Techno:
Phil:
The voices: BUT HES IN YOUR BED AND IM IN YOUR TWITCH CHAT

(I listened to that like 5 minutes ago, the fuck-)
(Also, Techno, I'm pretty sure that's called having a song stuck in your head-)

~~~~~

Ranboo: I never felt sexy in a day in my life
Quackity, doing a split: CANT RELATE

(I don't English good when my brain is working agains me-)

~~~~~

Techno: In this house, my only two moods are hungry and sleepy

(S A M E)

~~~~~

Dream: *talking to Patches in a mock British accent* Hello, my queen
George, silently: What the fuck

~~~~~

Tommy, before making Fundy cry: I've decided that I'm gonna be the harsh uncle from now on

(Ngl tho, that moment was fucking hilarious)
(Poor Fundy the orphan getting bullied by an orphan murdering pig and his uncle)

~~~~~

Techno: Now, what do we say when someone online tells us to kill ourselves?
Tubbo: Say "kill me yourself you coward"
Techno, tearing up: I'm so proud

~~~~~

Tubbo: You left me a note? You went out and left me a note!?
Tommy: Well, yeah, it's better than asking permission
Tubbo: It's not even a good note! It says "if you're reading this, I'm already dead". What kind of note is that!?

(The Tommy kind)
(Also Tubbo wanted to autocorrect to rubbing, why-)

~~~~~

Tommy: Y'know, you really need to stop sending me these mixed messages
Techno: "I don't like you" and "go away" are not mixed messages

~~~~~

Dream: Tommy, how'd you manage to stick this so far down the wrong hole? So deep too...
Phil, bursting in the room: WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING!? DREAM GET AWAY FROM MY SON YOU GREEN BASTARD!
Dream: Tommy managed to stick my laptop charger into the headphone jack
Phil:
Phil: How the fuck-

(Not me reading laptop as jalapeño at first-)
(I have a headache shut up)

~~~~~

Fundy: So, what have you been reaching him?
Techno: Oh, you know, proper English
Fundy: What-
Tommy: Good evening, dearest Fundy. How are you doing on this fine, peaceful day, my good friend?
Techno: See?
Fundy: Jesus Christ, what the fuck have you done?

(Never a good sign when Tommy starts talking like this)
(Actually, it's never a good sign when ANYONE in the 21st century starts talking like this)

~~~~~

Tubbo: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Eret: No
Tubbo:
Eret:
Tubbo, leaning over to Niki: *whispering* Now what

~~~~~

Phil: Tommy, why are you calling so late?
Tommy: Phil, Techno did something very, very bad and I need your help
Phil, sighing: Put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way
Tommy: Wha-

~~~~~

Dream: Cmon Bad, it couldn't have been that bad
Bad: Geppy kissed me and I said thank you
Dream:
Dream: Well, that was very polite of you

(I know that skephalo is basically dead, but shh-)

~~~~~

Tommy while in exile: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety, I'll wait
Ghostbur: You and me!
Tommy, tearing up: Alright

~~~~~

Eret: Tubbo, how the hell have you managed to stay happy all the damn time?!
Tubbo: I don't know Eret, I guess the universe hasn't delivered the final blow tipping me into madness and hate
Fundy, rocking back and forth in a ball in the corner: Lucky bastard

~~~~~

Dream: I feel like one day everyone in the SMP is going to secretly plan our wedding without our say and they're just gonna send us an invitation when they have it all set up
George: We're not even dating???
Dream: Do you really think that's gonna stop them?

~~~~~

Bad: You should treat spiders the way you'd want to be treated
Techno: Killed without hesitation
Tommy: Thrown out the window
Tubbo: Screamed at
Bad: No!
Techno: Left alone in a corner to sit in misery
Tommy: Trapped in a jar to suffocate
Wilbur: Drowned
Bad: No!!!
Ranboo, sighing: PHIL, YOUR KIDS ARE DOING IT AGAIN

~~~~~

Phil: You know, not every problem can be solved with a knife
Techno: Why do you think I have multiple knives?

~~~~~

Phil: What is that?
Wilbur, holding a baby Fundy: A baby :)
Phil: Did you steal it?
Wilbur: No, I made it :)
Phil:
Phil, internally: Shit, I'm barely 30 and I'm already a grandfather

(He's happy tho-)

~~~~~

Tommy: People have asked me if I'm a glass half-full or a glass half-empty type of person
Tommy: So I've come to a conclusion
Tommy: *smashes glass on the floor*

(Seriously, is there a mix between a pessimist and an optimist?)
(Because Tommy seems to be that mix from what I gather)

~~~~~

Techno: Today's battle is sponsored by a KNIFE!
Tommy: Need to cut a thing? Use knife!
Techno: Need to poke a hole into another thing? Try using knife!
Tommy: Have one thing and you want it to become two smaller things?
Tubbo: You could try a saw
Tommy: A saw sometimes works
Techno: But other times? You need knife!

(Techno is very adamant about his knives)
(Also, I love the idea that the reason why Tubbo and Tommy love stabbing shit is because they have Techno as an older brother)
(Please don't take their sibling dynamic away from me, it's all I have left)
(I have no clue what's going on in the SMP other than the fact that Glattbur is now a thing)

~~~~~

Zak: Why do you have to be so antisocial?
Techno: I'm not antisocial, I just hate people

(Same)
(Also, happy birthday Zak! You can legally get drunk now! :))

~~~~~

Zak: How do you simultaneously hate yourself and act like you're better than God himself?
Techno: God knew he had to cap me somehow so he gave me depression

(Ngl, I forgot how much I love the chaotic energy that is Techno and Skeppy until I watched Technos newest video yesterday)

~~~~~

Techno: It's already afternoon? I should spend some time outside
Techno: *sticks his head out the window*
Techno: Okay, that's enough

~~~~~

Phil: Where's Tommy...?
Wilbur: He drank four energy drinks in one sitting and thought the humming birds outside were talking shit about him
Tommy, from outside: *muffled shouting* WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY MOM!?

(I saw this quote and it immediately screamed "Tommy", I'm sorry)

~~~~~

Ghostbur: Try not to kill anybody on accident while you're in control, okay?
Glatt: I'm not an idiot, Wilbur, I know how to kill people on purpose

(GLATT)

~~~~~

Techno, during his retirement: I could drop-kick a child right now, but it'll ruin my redemption arc
Phil: What about therapy?
Techno: That too
Phil:

(This took like 2 weeks, lmao)
(I still have slots open for the Hunger Games, by the way :))