Some will be repeated, but there's honestly so much you can do with Christmas incorrect quotes

~~~~~

Techno: Christmas is cancelled
Tommy: you can't cancel a holiday
Techno: Keep it up, Tommy, and you will lose New Years
Tommy: what does that mean???
Techno: Dream, take New Years away from Tommy

~~~~~

Techno: here's a fun Christmas idea! We'll hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever is under it!
Phil: we're not doing that
Niki: mistlefoe
Phil, sighing: NO

~~~~~

Dream: last year for Christmas, I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning

~~~~~

Fundy: last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away
HBomb: *smiles at him*
Fundy: this year, to save me from tears
Fundy: *hesitantly holds HBomb's hand* I'll give it to someone...special
Dream: Christmas was a week ago
Dream: and don't you hate HBomb????

~~~~~

Wilbur and Techno: Tommy, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Tommy: bend over and I'll show you

~~~~~

Phil: I regret getting you that blender
Wilbur, drinking Christmas cookies: why?

~~~~~

Sapnap: oh, Dream, I see you decorated your Christmas tree
Dream: yeah
Sapnap: George, come look at the size of Dreams balls!
George: *chokes* his what!?
Sapnap: his Christmas balls, George. Ornaments.
George: oh! Nah, I don't wanna see that
Sapnap:

~~~~~

Techno: what's botherin' you, kid?
Ranboo: if I die during Christmas, would I be considered a Christmas spirit?
Techno:

~~~~~

Techno: everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public
Wilbur: the whole "childhood wonder" stage just flew right past you, didn't it?

~~~~~

Bad: could you not stand so close to me? You're making me claustrophobic
Tubbo: what does claustrophobic mean?
Tommy: it means he's afraid of Santa Clause
Bad: no, it doesnt!
Tubbo: HO HO HO!
Tommy: Stop it, Tubbo, you're scaring him!

(That was a great SpongeBob episode)

~~~~~

Phil, exhausted while the rest of the SBI fight in the background: a true Christmas miracle is when your family doesn't get into a single argument all day

(Honestly)

~~~~~

Sapnap, holding a large box: what would you say if I went and got you six kittens for Christmas?
Karl:
Karl: what's in the box?
Sapnap:
Karl: Sapnap, what's in the box?
Sapnap: I think you know

~~~~~

Phil: whoever wrote Silent Night clearly has never been to our house

(Same)

~~~~~

Tommy: dear Santa, I've been good this year
Tommy: most of the time...
Tommy: once in a while...
Tommy: nevermind, I'll just convince Wilbur to buy me stuff

~~~~~

Ranboo: Hey, Tubbo, can you put the angel on top of the tree for me?
Tubbo: sure
Tubbo: *manages to pick up Ranboo*
Ranboo: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Tubbo: *yeets him onto the tree*
Ranboo:
Tubbo: what? You told me to put the angel on the tree

(If you don't get it)
(Ranboo is technically on angel tier, since he refuses to swear on stream)
(Whether or not he's still on the angel tier depends on Tubbo, ig)

~~~~~

Phil: *holding a baby Tommy with a bow on his head* Merry Christmas, Wilbur! Here's your present.
Wilbur: where can I return him?

(And then baby Tommy opens his eyes and looks at him and he immediately wants to keep him)
(Also, yes, I know that Tommy's birthday is in the Spring but shhhhhhhh)

~~~~~

Charlie: *puts salt and pepper on the table*
Charlie: seasonings greetings
Schlatt: *flips the table* bah humbug

~~~~~

Techno: I hope that I get run over
Wilbur: Aw, c'mon, Techno, it's Christmas! Get in the Christmas spirit!
Techno: okay
Wilbur:
Techno: I hope that I get run over by a reindeer

(You're gonna hate me for an incorrect quote that's later on)
(It's kinda relating to Technos newest video)
(Pls don't murder me)

~~~~~

Tommy: *singing very loudly and off-key* ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOOOOOUUUUU
Techno: When they say that Christmas is the time of giving, they don't mean giving out headaches, Tommy

~~~~~

Kristin, in a Santa dress: *walking out of the room while holding baby Tommy and little Wilbur's hand, both of them in reindeer onesies*
Kristin: Phil, are you ready yet?
Phil, from the other room: do I have to wear this for the picture?
Kristin: yes, love. Remember, you promised.
Phil: *walks out wearing reindeer antlers and an ugly Christmas sweater*

(My mom has this ugly reindeer jumpsuit with googly eyes on her boobs and a red bell in between and I hate it)
(She's wearing it rn just to spite me)

~~~~~

Bad: what do you want for Christmas this year?
Young Sapnap: for all the dogs to know what good dogs they are! :D
Bad: *choking up, wiping away tears* same

~~~~~

Tubbo: it's chrimas!
Tommy: *proceeds to run away from Dream*
Tubbo: Merry christler! :D
Phil: *awkwardly smiling*

(Love that vine)

~~~~~

Tommy: *writing a letter to santa* dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty
Tommy: *still writing* and it was worth it, you judgmental bastard

~~~~~

Wilbur: was mom any good at knitting?
Techno, wearing an ugly sweater with one arm missing and the other arm too long: not really, but we appreciated the effort she put in

(HC that, before Mumza died/was banished, Techno refused to admit that he genuinely cared and cherished Kristin and thought of her as the mom he never got to have)

~~~~~

Ranboo: so, when are we gonna take the Christmas lights down?
Tubbo: only when the last twinkle of the holiday spirit is gone
Ranboo:
Ranboo: so not until we get the annual threatening letter from Dream?
Tubbo: it's tradition!

~~~~~

Phil: it's Christmas, and you know what that means!
Dream: everyone is going to try and kill each other at the dinner table?
Ranboo: the sweet release of death?
Wilbur: getting drunk and crying thinking about Schlatt?
Tommy: the fact that I will only get coal from Santa?
Phil: I was gonna say "ugly sweater competition", but you know what? We're going to therapy

~~~~~

Tommy, to the rest of the SMP: your Christmas gift this year is...me. That's right! Another year of friendship, your membership has been renewed

~~~~~

Tubbo: Alright, Ranboo, what do you want?
Ranboo: I'll be happy with whatever you get me, Tubbo
Tubbo: that's the thing, you say that but it's not what you mean
Ranboo: what are you talking about?
Tubbo: I'm talking about last time!
Ranboo, suddenly remembering the sweater Tubbo got him last year: oh! Well, that was because the colors on it were hideous, it was very uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure it was two sizes too small

~~~~~

Techno: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery

~~~~~

Ranboo: this is a little extra gift for always being there for me
Tubbo: wow, I don't know what to say... *opens it to see a best friend locket with Ranboos face on it*
Ranboo: *smiling*
Tubbo: wow...I really don't know what to say...

~~~~~

Techno: what are you idiots doing?
Ranboo, Tommy, and Tubbo: writing letters to Santa!
Techno: you guys are adults, you know that Santa doesn't exist, right?
Ranboo: then who's leaving the gifts under our tree every year?
Techno: your parents, obviously—
Ranboo: well, my mom died when I was like, 5, and I was left alone for my entire childhood
Tommy: I just fucking spawned into the world
Tubbo: and my dad abandoned me when I was a toddler
The benchtrio: so it clearly has to be Santa!
Techno:
Techno: no wonder Phil practically adopted you three—

(Tubbo's is canon, but I just realize just how fucked up my HC for Tommys and Ranboos childhoods are)
(Ah, well, it's the DSMP, how much more traumatized can the teens get?)

~~~~~

Wilbur: we may seem normal now, but by the end of the night, we're gonna be...
Fundy: HO-HO-HO HAMMERED

~~~~~

Tommy, after escaping exile: snow got me feeling some type of way
Techno: that's called hypothermia
Tommy: Dream told me it was the magic of Christmas

~~~~~

Wilbur: baby Jesus is like a chicken wing
Phil: *sighs* explain
Wilbur: tender and mild
Techno: Jesus, and I thought that my head was fucked up—

~~~~~

Phil: what is Christmas really about?
Techno, still upset about Ranboo dying: VENGEANCE

~~~~~

Wilbur: I have no respect for Santa. Don't sneak in through my chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents
Wilbur: walk in through the front door and fight me like a man

~~~~~

Tommy: any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it

~~~~~

Ranboo: it's time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety

(Same)

~~~~~

Christmas at the Beeduo household

Ranboo: me and Michael made cookies for Santa
Tubbo: Aw, how sweet
Michael: you can't eat them! They're for Santa, not you!
Tubbo: what are you taking me for? I would never do that!
Later
Michael: papa, where's dad?
Ranboo: I'll go look for him
Ranboo walks into the kitchen
Tubbo: *eating cookies* mmmmmmmm so gooood
Ranboo: TUBBO!!!!
Tubbo:
Ranboo: why are you eating the cookies? They're for Santa!
Tubbo: just making sure they were edible...
Ranboo: you ate all of them!
Tubbo:
Tubbo: *runs away*
Ranboo in the distance: YOU EVEN ATE THE PLATE!?!?!?

(That's just what happens when you canonically marry a goat boi)

~~~~~

Ranboo: the Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's going to be all dressed up on the outside but dead on the inside this Christmas

(Fun fact: I am currently wearing pjs that have cat-related coffee puns on them and they're so comfy and I love it)

~~~~~

The entire DSMP: *screaming incoherently at each other*
Phil and Bad: *trying to get them to calm down so they can take a picture*
Tommy: TAKE THE PICTURE
Tubbo: WHERE ARE WE LOOKING????

~~~~~

Phil: Christmas tip: wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Every time your kid acts up, throw one in the fire place
Techno: what if I run out of kids?

~~~~~

Sapnap: first rule of Christmas: don't use fire to unwrap your gifts. Learned that one pretty quickly

~~~~~

Tommy, singing along with the Christmas music in the car: I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!
Techno: OH FUCK NO *changes the station*
Wilbur:
Wilbur: *changes it back*
Techno: DONT ENABLE HIM

~~~~~

And now, DSMP members as John Mulaney quotes bc fuck you, that's why

~~~~~

Dream: he was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin

~~~~~

Techno: I'll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die

~~~~~

Tommy: it was charitable, but it was also fast and violent, because I was throwing boxes at people

~~~~~

Ranboo: was there ever even a ghost, mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?

~~~~~

Puffy: we invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying through skits and you laugh at this woman?

~~~~~

Techno: I don't know if you've read history, but back then people would wake up and go, "god, it's the old times"

~~~~~

The Egg: he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy. It was such a weird interaction that I wasn't sure if it actually happened. I came out of the bathroom and asked my girlfriend, I was like, "did you see, like, an old man follow me into the bathroom?" And she was like "John, that bathrooms been closed for 40 years!"

~~~~~

Dream: just explain to me this: how are you better than a nazi?

~~~~~

Wilbur: my dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said, "god can't hear you"

~~~~~

Ranboo: I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff

(This could work for most—if not all—of them, actually)

~~~~~

Tubbo: I never knew that relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself

~~~~~

Puffy: "ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!" And then Mary yelled, "Ooh, ducklings!" To which Mr Finch replied, "too old to be a duckling, quack quack!"

~~~~~

Ranboo: you could pour soup in my lap and I'd apologize to you

~~~~~

Ranboo: honestly, when I'm walking down the street, no one's ever like, "hey, look at that man!" I think they're just like "woah! That tall child looks terrible!"

~~~~~

Tommy: he'd say "you kids have no upper body strength" and we were like, "we know, but hey!"

(Same)

~~~~~

Any of the teens: an angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better

(I say teens bc 3/4 teens on the server are 18, so I can't say minors anymore bc the only minor on the server is Tommy rn)

~~~~~

This is my Christmas gift to y'all! 2k words worth of holiday incorrect quotes + John Mulaney. I worked on this on and off for like 3 days, so it's not like a spedran this on Christmas Day, lol

Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my Christmas. Merry Christmas to anyone who celebrates it, and I hope you have a wonderful last week of 2021 :)