NO ONE'S POV:

(The inside of Wanda & Vision's bedroom after the two thuds.)

Wanda: What do you see?

Vision: Only your lovely rose bushes.

Wanda: That's all? Are you using your night vision, Vision?

Vision: I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss. You have absolutely no reason to be frightened...

(There's a third thud.)

Vision: [yelps]

Wanda: You were saying?

Vision: Maybe we should get your brother to check it out?

Wanda: No, let him sleep.

Vision: Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood. Now, who knows what those ne'er-do-wells might be up to? Robbing houses, vandalizing property.

Wanda: Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them, cutting things with blades that come out of their hands.

Vision: Wanda, darling, you can't be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us.

(There's another thud resulting in Wanda moving their beds together.)

Vision: One of us should really determine the source of that sound.

Wanda: Yes, one of us should.

(There's another thud.)

Wanda: Oh, this is getting ridiculous. I'm going to take a look.

Vision: Oh, God! Darling!

(Wanda telepathically swings the curtains open to reveal a tree branch hitting the panes.)

Wanda: Well, I think we handled that well.

Vision: Yes, I must say I'm rather proud of myself. And look how you seized on the opportunity to redecorate.

Wanda: This is better, isn't it?

Vision: Mmm.

(Wanda uses her powers to turn the two adjacent beds into one wide bed.)

Vision: Wanda, darling?

Wanda: Yes, dear?

Vision: Get the light.

(They get under the covers as Wanda turns off the light. Cut to Y/N in his room as he's hearing...what's going on in his sister & Vision's room.)

(Y/N): I have to get my own place.

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

WandaVision!

Starring (Y/N)!

WandaVision!

Starring (Y/N)!

WandaVision Wa-WandaVision

Sta-Starring (Y/N)

WandaVision Wa-WandaVision

Sta-Starring (Y/N)

WandaVision Wa-WandaVision

Sta-Starring (Y/N)

WandaVision!

Starring (Y/N)!

(Cut to the living room where Vision is in a magician's getup.)

Vision: Ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick, I bring you the Cabinet of Mysteries.

(Vision waves his wand but nothing happens.)

Vision: Darling, that's your cue.

Wanda: You said, "Cabinet of Mysteries?"

Vision: I said, "The Cabinet of Mysteries."

(Vision waves his wand again & this time, Wanda wheels out with a large cabinet.)

Wanda: Oh, that's my cue. Ooh!

Vision: Holy Toledo! Darling, do all the other acts in the talent show have such elaborate props?

Wanda: Are you kidding? Fred and Linda are building a moat and a fully-functioning portcullis and no one even knows why.

(Y/N walks down the stairs & enters the living room.)

(Y/N): If you two would just agree to do my idea, there would be no need for elaborate props.

Wanda: [sighs] For the last time, you're not cutting me in half.

(Y/N): Okay, okay. How about I cut Vision in half? He can just phase through my claws.

Wanda: Phasing isn't the same as splitting, (Y/N).

(Y/N): Come on, Vision. Back me up here.

Vision: I'm gonna have to agree with Wanda on this one. Sorry.

(Y/N): It was worth a shot. [whispers] Watch you two lose.

Wanda: Let's keep going.

Vision: Yes, yes. Where was I Um...Watch closely as I, Illusion, Master of Enigma, make my captivating assistant, Glamour, disappear.

(They open the cabinet & Wanda steps into it.)

Wanda: You really are very dashing.

Vision: Mmm, thank you, darling. Fear not, Glamour. For I, Illusion, vow to bring you back exactly as you are.

Wanda: [shudders]

(Vision closes the cabinet.)

(Y/N's thoughts): They sure are convincing.

Vision: Abracadabra!

(He waves his wand at the cabinet, and then opens it again, revealing Wanda is gone.)

Vision: Ta-ta...

(After a moment, Wanda re-emerges from a hidden wall in the cabinet & claps.)

Vision: Yes, um, Wanda, you're not at all worried that the audience might just see through this little charade?

Wanda: Well, that's the whole point. In a real magic act, everything is fake. Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season and it's our neighborly duty to participate. Plus, it's our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.

(Y/N): It's a win-win.

(Vision gestures to his face.)

Vision: Well, I don't think that should be a problem.

Wanda: This is our home now. I want us to fit in. [chuckles softly]

Vision: Oh, darling, we do. We shall. And we're gonna knock their socks off, especially with you wearing this.

(Vision picks up a revealing outfit.)

Wanda: Oh, that's actually what (Y/N)'s going to wear.

Vision: Oh!

(Y/N): I don't think that's my size.

(Wanda checks her watch.)

Wanda: Well, (Y/N) and I better get going if we're gonna make the planning committee meeting.

(Y/N): Remind me again why I'm tagging along with you to the planning committee meeting?

Wanda: So you can meet everyone and hopefully meet someone.

(Y/N): Right, right.

Vision: That's me off as well, actually. There's a gathering of the neighborhood watch at the public library.

(Y/N): That sounds way more interesting.

Wanda: No.

(Y/N): I didn't even-

Wanda: No.

(Y/N): You're really not going to let me-

Wanda: No.

(Y/N): [groans]

Vision: And after last night's excitement, I want to make sure this town's security is up to snuff.

Wanda: That's a swell idea. You tell those tree branches who's boss.

(They kiss.)

(Y/N's thoughts): Let's hope Vision can handle some tree branches.

Vision: Would you look at us? Wanda, Vision, and (Y/N). Westview fitter-inners.

Wanda: [chuckling] We'll see you at curtain call.

(Vision leaves the Maximoff siblings. Cut to Wanda in the kitchen & Y/N on the couch watching tv. Wanda walks over to her brother & fluffs a pillow. The siblings then hear a loud thud & exit the house to find something in the bushes. They walk over to it, Wanda picks it up, & it's shown to be a mini helicopter, in color.)

(Y/N): That's...bright.

(Agnes arrives, startles the siblings, & Wanda drops the mini helicopter.)

Agnes: Look, it's the stars o' the show. [chuckles]

Wanda: Agnes.

(Y/N): Uh, hello!

Wanda: I'm sorry. What did you say?

Agnes: Oh, I brought my pet rabbit. For your magic act.

Wanda: Yes, of course! Thank you, Agnes. We will take good care of him.

Agnes: Señor Scratchy just loves the stage.

(Y/N): Adorable name.

Agnes: Thank you, (Y/N). He played baby Jesus in last year's Christmas pageant.

Wanda: Oh.

(Wanda leaves Y/N & Agnes to put the rabbit in the house.)

Agnes: How are you holding up, (Y/N)?

(Y/N): No complaints so far.

Agnes: That's good to hear.

(The mailman walks by them & Agnes checks him out.)

(Y/N's thoughts): Did she just check him out?

Agnes: He's not much of a looker.

(Y/N): Heh, I guess.

Agnes: Unlike you.

(Y/N): Oh, Agnes. You're married.

Agnes: Not really.

(Wanda walks back to her brother & Agnes.)

Wanda: Shall we?

Agnes: Oh, we shall.

(Y/N): [whispers] Thank goodness.

(Wanda & Agnes walk down the sidewalk together with Y/N following them. Wanda also looks back at the bushes.)

Agnes: Are you ready to meet Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers?

Wanda: [chuckles] Agnes, Dottie can't be as bad as you say.

Agnes: Hmm, well, you'll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death.

(Y/N): That's extreme.

(Agnes stops walking & turns to the siblings.)

Agnes: Wanda, (Y/N), can I give you a bit of friendly advice?

Wanda: Is it about the way we're dressed?

Agnes: Yes, but it's too late for that.

(Y/N): Aw, really? I think we look groovy.

Agnes: Believe me, (Y/N). Y'all don't. Dottie is the key to everything in this town. Country club memberships, parties, school admissions...

Wanda: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. [chuckles]

(Y/N): [sighs]

Agnes: You get in with Dottie and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out. Just mind your P's and Q's and you're gonna do just fine.

Wanda: Or maybe I could just be myself? More or less?

Agnes: [laughs] Oh, Wanda, that's good.

Wanda & (Y/N): [chuckle nervously]

Agnes: [laughing]

(Nearby, the other woman leave Dottie's house.)

Dottie: Everybody, hurry up please.

Agnes: Hiya, Dottie! Your roses are divine.

Dottie: Well, thank you.

(Agnes gives Wanda a look. They both join the procession of women.)

Agnes: [sighs]

Wanda: [exhales]

(Y/N): Here goes.

(Cut to all of the women gathered in a tent next to a pool while Y/N is swimming in the pool.)

???: Say, those pants are peachy keen.
Wanda: You really think so? The other ladies are in skirts. I was worried.

Dottie: We only have a few hours until show time, so a little less cross chatter and a little more focus.

Wanda: Okay.

Dottie: Those little boys and girls are counting on us. All of this is for the children.

Women: "For the children."

Wanda: "For the children."

(Wanda gets some stares from the other woman.)

Dottie: [clears throat] So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand...

(Wanda begins clapping.)

Dottie: ...at the appropriate time, of course. But first let's review event etiquette. Dress code is upscale garden party...

???: The only reason I didn't clap is because I'm afraid to move.

Wanda: Yeah.

???: I actually don't know what I'm doing here.

Wanda: I'm starting to feel that way myself. I'm Wanda.

???: I'm, uh...Geraldine.

Wanda: Hi.

Geraldine: I thought your brother would be joining us?

Wanda: Oh, he's in the pool!

(Wanda & Geraldine look over at Y/N in the pool.)

(Y/N): *waves*

Geraldine: At least someone is having a good time.

Wanda: [chuckles]

Dottie: And I'm irritated. Tickets for tonight are completely sold out. Now, you can clap.

(The women start clapping.)

Dottie: And stop.

(The women stop clapping.)

Agnes: Really, how is anybody doing this sober?

(As Wanda is helping Dottie clean up, we cut to Y/N floating on his back in the pool.)

(Y/N): You know, I don't think I've ever swam in a pool before so this is quite the experience. And the water feels nice. I think I'm gonna have to stop by the pool more often. Looks like Wanda is fitting in which is great. It also looks like she made a friend which warms my heart. [sighs]

(Y/N sinks to the bottom of the pool where he imagines himself drowning with a car on top of him. Y/N regains his senses & swims to the surface.)

(Y/N): [gasping, coughing]

(Y/N looks over at Wanda & Dottie.)

Wanda: I can't help but wonder if you and I haven't gotten off on the wrong foot, Dottie. And I would like to correct that if I can.

Dottie: And how would you do that?

Wanda: [laughs nervously]

(Wanda doesn't say anything as Dottie stands up.)

Dottie: I've heard things about you. You, your husband, and your brother.

Wanda: Well, I don't know what you've been told, but I assure you I don't mean anyone harm.

Dottie: I don't believe you.

(The radio begins to crackle. The song switches over to "Help Me, Rhonda" by the Beach Boys. A voice comes through.)

Jimmy Woo: (Through Radio) Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over? Wanda?

(Y/N begins to swim over to his sister.)

Dottie: Who is that?

Jimmy Woo: (Through Radio) Wanda?

Dottie: Who are you?

Jimmy Woo: (Through Radio) Wanda? Wanda. Who is doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda? Wanda? Wan...

(The radio blows a fuse & begins to smoke, cutting off the voice. Dottie crushes her glass in surprise, cutting her hand.)

Dottie & Wanda: [gasp]

Wanda: Dottie! [stutters]

(Wanda looks down & sees the blood in Dottie's hand isn't black & white.)

Wanda: You...Oh!

(Y/N gets out of the pool.)

(Y/N): I smell blood.

(Wanda gets a towel for Dottie's hand.)

Dottie: Pop quiz, Wanda. How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen? By doing it herself.

(Dottie walks away just as Y/N finally reaches his sister.)

(Y/N): [exhales] I almost slipped on my way over here. What happened?

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

(Cut to Y/N in the crowd watching the talent show.)

(Y/N): Ugh.

(Y/N's thoughts): When are Wanda and Vision coming up? If I have to see one more of those people perform their "talent," I'm going to stab myself in the head.

(Cut to Geraldine & Wanda backstage.)

Geraldine: Your brother's not a part of your act?

Wanda: No, he's in the crowd being a sourpuss.

(Geraldine looks out at the crowd to see Y/N.)

Geraldine: Oh, I see him! He looks uptight.

Wanda: [sighs] It's because we're not doing his idea for the talent show.

Geraldine: What was his idea?

Wanda: To cut me in half with his cla--I mean with his chainsaw!

Geraldine: That's...scary.

Wanda: Don't remind me.

(Cut to the talent show.)

Dottie: I want to thank you all for coming out to support Westview Elementary, "For the children."

All: "For the children."

(This is what Y/N is wearing btw.)

(Y/N): Oh! "For the children."

Dottie: And for our final act...I give you, Wanda and Vision.

(Evertone in the crowd applauds. Dottie leads clapping and steps down from the stage. She gets to her seat as Wanda emerges from the curtains. She walks out further and gestures to the curtains. Nothing happens. Dottie looks miffed. Wanda looks nervous.)

(Y/N): [whispers] Wow, Vision missed his cue.

(Cut backstage, Vision is playing with his clothes.)

Geraldine: Hey! Hey! You're up, Cowboy!

Vision: What?

(Geraldine gestures to the curtains.)

Vision: Oh! Yeah! I've got to go! Hello, Westview! Good afternoon. It's so lovely to be...

(Vision bumps into some railing.)

Vision: I'm so sorry. Excuse me. I am Glamour and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion.

Wanda: I am Glamour and he's Illusion.

(Y/N): Is he blitzed?

Agnes: Ralph usually is. [chuckles]

Vision: Yeah, what she said. Today, we will lie to you and yet you will believe our little deceptions because human beings are easily fooled due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe. Flourish!

Wanda: You just do it, you don't say it out loud, honey.

Vision: [scoffs]

(Y/N): This is...twitchin'.

Vision: And now my wife and I will delight in your dumbstruck little faces. Especially yours, dear brother-in-law of mine.

(Y/N): Yay, can't wait.

Vision: Flourish!

(Vision begins to fly. The crowd watches and gasps.)

(Y/N's thoughts): If I knew we could use our powers, I'd would've just gone up there and shown off my claws!

(Wanda quickly creates a pulley system to make it look like she's controlling his flying. She moves a sign out of the way and Norm spots it.)

Norm: Ha! See there? He's using a rope.

(Wanda begins to play with the pulley.)

Vision: Wanda, what's...Oh, no! Oh! No! Wanda, please! Darling, let me down!

Agnes: Oh!

Vision: I'm feeling pukey!

(Y/N): [laughing]

(Wanda lands Vision down as everyone claps.)

Vision: Uh, what's next? Oh! Yeah, this is...This is gonna be great! A staggering feat of strength.

(Vision lifts a piano with one arm & the crowd looks in awe.)

(Y/N's thoughts): This is so much better than what they originally planned.

Vision: Ah!

Wanda: Illusion...Uh...Uh...Illusion, Master of Enigma, allow me.

Vision: Yeah?

(Wanda takes the piano & turns it into cardboard cut-out of a piano.)

Audience: Oh!

Wanda: Whoops! You weren't supposed to see how we did that trick.

Phil: That was my grandmother's piano.

(Vision proceeds to fail but eventually succeeds at doing a card trick with Herbert.)

Herbert: Oh, no, you did the trick right.

Vision: Well, of course I did the trick right! I'm Illusion! Flourish!

(Wanda claps & applauds along with the audience.)

(Y/N): He's definitely blitzed.

Vision: And now, for my next trick...

Wanda: Oh, goodness me.

Vision: Who stole my hat?

(Señor Scratchy runs across the stage.)

Vision: Oh! Oh, stop that rabbit! I gotta pull a hat out of it.

(Wanda grabs Señor Scratchy.)

Agnes: Señor Scratchy's got real star quality, don't you think?

Wanda: Maybe we leave the poor bunny out of this one, shall we?

(Y/N): I think that'd be a good idea.

(Vision grabs his hat off the ground.)

Vision: Well then, I will just have to pull this hat...out of myself.

Wanda: Vision, no.

Vision: I'm doin' it!

(Vision phases the hat through himself.)

Vision: Ah-ha! [chuckling]

(Y/N): [whispering] How's she going to explain this one?

Wanda: If only you all knew our secret.

(Wanda, using her powers, pulls back the curtains to reveal mirrors.)

Vision: Oh!

Audience: [laughs]

(Y/N): [whispers] Man, Wanda's good.

Beverly: Is that how mirrors work?

Dottie: Shut up, Bev.

Vision: And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale. I bring you, The Magnet of Crysteries!

(Wanda rolls out the cabinet.)

Wanda: The Cabinet of Mysteries!

Vision: Yeah, yeah. What she said. I will now make my wife...disappear.
Agnes: Are you sure you don't want an audience volunteer named "My husband Ralph?"

(Everyone laughs.)

Vision: [laughing] No. Abracadabra!

(Vision hits the cabinet with his wand.)

Wanda: Uh, sweetheart?

Vision: Yeah?

Wanda: Hi.

Vision: Oh.

(Y/N's thoughts): So, they mess up the one thing they actually practiced?

(Y/N): I'm not surprised.

(The audience begins chanting, "what's in the box?")

(Y/N): Oh, no.

Vision: Yeah, what's in the box?

(The audience continues to chant, "what's in the box?" Wanda waves her fingers. She and Vision open the box to reveal Geraldine. The audience applauds. Geraldine looks around confused and smiles nervously.)

(Y/N): [whispers] For a second there, I thought she was gonna have me come out of the box.

Vision: Oh, yes! Flourish.

(The trio take a bow.)

Vision: Let's get out of here!

(Backstage, Wanda is able to get the gum out of Vision which gets him back to normal. Then they try to slink off until they're noticed by Dottie.)

Dottie: You two, stop right there.

(They stop & turn.)

Dottie: [sighs] Nothing like what you two just did up here has ever happened in the history of our talent show.

(Y/N): I assumed...

Wanda: Dottie, we are so...

Dottie: Hilarious. That was the most hilarious act we've ever seen. Wouldn't you agree?

Beverly: Yes!

(The whole crowd applauds.)

(Y/N): Huh, I also assumed that.

Vision: Oh, yes!

Dottie: You two, come on up. Come on.

(Wanda & Vision come on stage.)

Dottie: On behalf of the planning committee, I would like to award you with the inaugural Comedy Performance of the Year.

(Wanda takes the award.)

Wanda: Oh, thank you.

(The crowd applauds again. They all stand up.)

(Y/N): They actually won, good on them.

(Wanda sees Geraldine applauding and gestures for her to join them.)

Geraldine: I have to ask.

Vision: Hmm.

Geraldine: One second, I'm backstage and in the next, I'm in a dark cubby hole. How'd you do it?

Vision: Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets. He leaves that to his assistant.

Wanda: And she's not talking.

Geraldine: I had a feeling you'd say that.

(Cut to the living where Vision, Wanda, & Y/N arrive home.)

Vision: You were tremendous, Glamour.

Wanda: As were you, Illusion [chuckles] Did you like it, (Y/N)?

(Y/N): I quite enjoyed it.

(Wanda walks over to the couch & places their trophy down.)

Wanda: I don't know what I was so worried about. It wasn't so hard to fit in afterall.

(Vision sits next to her on the couch.)

Vision: And all we had to do was be ourselves.

Wanda: Well, with a few modifications.

(Y/N stands behind them & the couch.)

(Y/N): "Modifications," is putting it lightly.

Vision: And it was all for the children.

Wanda, Vision, & (Y/N): For the children.

Wanda: Well, I think the children might need some popcorn.

(Wanda gets up.)

Vision: Wanda?

(Y/N): Sis?

Wanda: Hmm, what?

(She turns around, revealing herself to be heavily pregnant. Vision gets up.)

Wanda: [gasps] Vision...is this really happening?

Vision: Yes, my love. It's really happening.

(Y/N): I'm going to be an uncle?

Wanda & Vision: [chuckling]

Wanda: You are.

(Y/N): I'm going to be an uncle!

(Wanda & Vision go to kiss, but there's a loud thud outside.)

Vision: If it's that damn tree again, I am going to rip it out by the roots!

(Y/N): Or you can have me cut it down with my claws.

Vision: Yeah, or that!

(They walk outside. Wanda looks nervous & follows her husband & brother.)

Wanda: I don't see anything.

(They look around. A noise catches their attention. Down the street, something is jostling a sewer grate.)

Vision: What is that?

(A hand comes out of the sewer.)

(Y/N): What the...

Vision: Wanda.

(Vision comes up behind her. A man in a beekeeping outfit gets out of the sewer, surrounded by bees. He looks around, eventually spotting Wanda, Vision, & Y/N. Y/N begins to slowly pop his claws.)

Wanda: No.

(Time rewinds back to when they were in the house.)

Wanda: Vision...is this really happening?

Vision: Yes, my love. It's really happening.

(Y/N): I'm going to be an uncle?

Wanda & Vision: [chuckling]

Wanda: You are.

(Y/N): I'm going to be an uncle!

(Wanda & Vision kiss. Wanda pulls back and sees that Vision's face is now in color.)

Wanda: Vision...[chuckles softly]

(She looks around and the whole house transforms from black and white to color, including her brother.)

(This is what Y/N's wearing in color.)

(Y/N): [joyfully chuckles]

(Wanda & Vision kiss again as Y/N watches them happily. A hexagon zooms in and frames them. As the scene fades out, a voice is heard.)

Jimmy Woo: (Through Radio) Wanda? Who's doing this to you, Wanda? Wanda?