Plot: Messy custody battle, and hurt feelings. 
Warning: Strong Language, and possible heartbreaks.

"I want you to find her"

Tony looked up from the table dropping his phone down. He looked at Steve as if he was crazy.

"What why? Steve, you are the one that took her into this custody battle, you won. She won't be around James anymore." Tony said rolling his eyes.

"I never expected it to go this far tony!"

You are probably very confused, about a year ago Steve and Natasha got completely drunk, they had unprotected sex and Natasha ended up getting pregnant. Before even having sex the two were together for a few months but not at all ready for the jump to sex. Once they had sex things between Steve and Natasha were tense, then James was born. 

That's when things got hard. 

A baby is in most cases would often bring couples together, however not Steve and Natasha. They argued and they fought often about what was best for James. One night the fights went too far. Words were said that shouldn't have been saying. The fights at the beginning weren't even that bad, not compared to what they grew in to. 

"Sorry I am late," Steve said that night. He had gotten home from his mission with Sam and was excited to see James and Natasha. They always brought him peace. But he would find anything but peace tonight. 

"Did you pick up James's medicine?" Natasha asked after giving Steve a kiss on the cheek. 

"Natasha James isn't that sick, it will go away with time. You're being overdramatic." 

"I asked you to pick up his medicine Steve!"  

"I told you I had a mission Natasha, he isn't even sick we shouldn't be putting things into his body that he doesn't need!" Steve said kicking off his shoes. 

"I see you managed to hang out with Sam after your mission but you couldn't pick up your son's medicine," She said rolling her eyes. 

"First of all Sam and I was doing mission reports Natasha. We weren't hanging out at some bar for hours on end," Steve shot back. "You always do this you know." 

"Do what?" She asked. 

"You always get upset when I do something that you don't like. You get defensive and never let me speak my truth," Steve said. 

"That is not true, are you saying that I don't listen to you?" 

"You know what? Forget about it okay? you are just making a big deal over nothing." He said shaking his head. 

"Really Steve?" She asked. "Our son is sick and all I asked for was some medicine so he won't be in pain anymore but you seem to know what's better for him." 

"Not this again," He said putting his hand on his head. "Can't you just drop it and move on?" 

"No Steve, because this is our son's health. I can't just forget about it." 

"you're acting overdramatic. How do you even know he is sick? he is literally perfectly fine over there," Steve said. 

"Because a mother knows her baby," Natasha spit at him. 

"How would you know that it's not like you had one,"   Silence filled the room. Natasha stared at Steve as if waiting for him to take it back but he made no move. 

"I can't believe you just said that," Natasha shook her head. Natasha looked down at her feet before taking a deep breath. Steve was beyond frustrated with Natasha and her need to constantly blame him for everything that he was blind to what he said to her. 

" I think we should break up," 

That night Steve didn't say anything to her. Let her think what she wanted. He didn't think they would break up, he didn't want to. He loved her. But she told him she would fight for custody of James Steve was blind with anger. 

He was not gonna be an absent father. He wouldn't be like his father. 

He told her that he would fight, he said that she wouldn't be able to even see James again. And boy did he fight. The two months of the trails were intense. Steve was angry, he couldn't think straight, he didn't realize that he was hurting Natasha even more. 

Natasha wanted to have shared custody. Steve didn't understand that, so he decided he would fight for sole custody. 

Natasha knew she was screwed from the very beginning. He was Steve Rogers, America's Golden Boy, Captain America, and she was Natasha Romanoff, a deadly assassin. She knew that she wouldn't win, going to every trail only tore away at her spirt. 

Then the day Steve won. 

No one had ever seen Natasha cry so much. Steve himself was starting to realize what he had just done as he watched Natasha hug and say goodbye to James. She would only see him if Steve was present, and she didn't ... she couldn't see Steve. 

Who was Steve even kidding? He couldn't take care of James. Not on his own. Natasha knew James like the back of her hand, he couldn't even get him to go to sleep. He should have listened to Natasha, should've gotten that damn medicine, should have opted for split custody, should have fought for her. But he didn't. He didn't do a damn thing but take James away from someone who loves him.

Steve spent the next few weeks searching the globe for Natasha, but it was basically pointless at this point. No one on Earth had seen her. It was like she had never existed, the only trace of her was Baby James who was getting sadder and sadder with each coming day. 

James cried for his mother on the daily, he wanted her to hold him, probably missed her voice as she used to sing to him every day. Steve tried to sing to him in an attempt to calm him down but it just wasn't the same. 

"I ruined my life, Natasha's life and now I've ruined James's life," Steve muttered as he tried to calm James down by bouncing him up and down. 

"We will find her, if I know anything, Natasha can't stay hidden for the rest of her life," Nick said, being the only one still helping Steve look for her. The rest of the team gave up telling him there was no way they could find her. 

"But she can stay hidden for a long time," Steve said. "And I don't know how much longer James can stay away from his mother, not in this condition, he's cried more tears than the water in his body." 

"The only thing she loves is James," Clint said, Clint comes by every so often to help out with James, he was his niece after all, and being around James was calming in a way that Clint really needed at times. He was here dropping off the latest baby gift Laura had come up with for the young boy and happened to hear the ending of the conversation. 

"We know that," Nick said. 

"No I mean, if Natasha sees James in this condition she's going to want to come back." 

"How are we going to get her to see him though?" Steve asked. "We can't even find her." 

"Trust me when I say this, I have a plan." Steve looked at him raising an eyebrow. 

"Oh, I don't know about this..." 

*

Natasha sat idly in her warm apartment. Well, the pathetic excuse of an apartment that is. It was a little run down, probably bug-infested, and neighbors across the hall were not shy at all hiding their relationship. 

But what was she supposed to do? Stay at the tower all the while staying away from James? She wanted to be with James, but that fucking shit head that she, unfortunately, had to call her baby's father existed. 

Steve used to be her best friend, she could always count on her but in the last year he became an absolute nightmare, but to be fair she wasn't being the easiest to be around. But to be fair she was worried about James. She never thought she could be a mother and now since she was, she wanted to make sure everything would be okay, she didn't want him to get hurt. 

She had tried so hard to stay away, she needed time. She knew Steve, and maybe it was separation talking but maybe what he did was for the best. Maybe he knew deep down that she was not fit to be a mother. That she would mess up, so taking her out of his life now was for the best. He probably knew she could find it in herself to go see him. Maybe she was meant to be a horrible mother.  

She needed to get her mind off of everything. Taking out a frozen pizza from her shitty refrigerator she tore off the plastic and placed it on a pan. After placing it in the oven she went into the living room where she turned on the TV that looked like it came out of the '70s. The only channels it had was some Spanish soap opera, a horrible TV show, and the news. She decided on the news to see if any interesting thing was happening.

"Attack on Avengers Tower." Natasha's heart dropped as the man spoke. "The tower was attacked 10 minutes ago when a man walked in and started shooting. Civilians were trapped inside, and the core Avengers. Five minutes ago, the tower was invaded by groups of people in every entrance. The Avengers have yet to make a move to attack. We will be keeping you updated as more information comes in." 

Why haven't they done anything?! Her baby was in there. Stark's kid was in there! Why wasn't anyone doing anything to help? She wanted her baby out of there! She had to get him out of there before something happens. 

Running through her small apartment, Natasha through on her shoes and ran out the door. She ran all the way to her tower, which at least a twenty-minute run, but she didn't stop. There were news cars and police cars everywhere. Yet no one was doing anything! 

"Mame you can't go in there," A police tried but Natasha ignored him. 

"My son is there don't you dare tell me what the hell I can and can't do," She said, and that's when another cop came and whispered something in his ear, presumably who she was because no one stopped her from going in afterward. 

The strange thing is when she walked in, the gunners didn't flinch, they didn't move around when she walked in. As a matter of fact, she knew everyone here, their faces at least. She knew them. They were shield agents. 

"What the hell is going on here?" She asked and one of the agents stepped forward. 

"Captain Rogers is waiting for you," He said calmly. Natasha was flabbergasted. There was no way in hell that man pulled this type of stunt just to get her back here so they could fight. She was beyond angry and she hasn't even seen him yet. 

"Well tell Captain Rogers instead of causing a worldwide panic that he could try and find me himself next time." She huffed and looked at the agent, who was nervous about being in front of her when she was so angry. She didn't even the words to describe was angry she felt. Who the hell does that? She was ready to kill someone. She had to leave, she knew her son was here and although he was a baby she didn't want to fight in front of little James. She turned to leave. 

"Sorry Agent Romanoff you can't leave." 

"Why the hell not?" She asked. 

"Captain Rogers wants to speak with you," she said again. "He's upstairs." 

"Right," she said smiling and looking up biting her lip. "Do none of you see how wrong this is? How stupid this is?" She started, "What kind of organization has this become?" 

"The kind that gets things done. So glad you decided to come Romanoff," Nick Fury's voice rang out. 

"So I am guessing this was your idea?" she asked. "This your way of getting me her quick? What you can't put the work in anymore?"  

"Get in the elevator Romanoff." He said, ignoring her comment. 

"No." She said. "I don't want to see him." 

"What about you son?" He asked. "Don't you want to see him?" 

"I think my son is better off without me." She said, now fully believing it no matter how much it hurt her. "I should go." Before she could leave the guards stepped in the way of the door. "How long are you going to do this? Why do I have to go up there why can't he be the gentleman that he claims to be and come down here," 

"Do you really want to cause a scene down here?" He asked. "Get in the elevator." Natasha stared at him and then sighed. She closed her eyes taking in a deep breath before walking into the elevator. 

"I am not going to talk to him." She said plainly, "I am here for my son and no one else." 

"I understand why you are upset-" 

"No, you don't. You don't know what it's like to lose everything you ever cared about in life, then given the chance to have the one thing you've couldn't even dream of only for that to be taken away as well." There was silence in the elevator after she finished speaking.  

"Your right I don't know how it feels, but I do know that I care about you and I don't want you to feel the pain of losing a kid Natasha, which is exactly why I am doing this for you." He said. "Trust me you're the only one who has something to gain here." 

"Why did he call me here Nick? Or rather give me a heart attack." 

"It was my idea, figured it was the only to get you here before he lost his mind,"  he said. Natasha didn't give a damn about Steve and how he was taking the breakup if you could even call it that. He had James. He had everything. So Natasha did bother to move the conversation along any further after that. 

The elevator finally stopped and opened up the Avenger's main living area. It was sleek as per usual, there was not a single item moved. It was always the same, and Natasha figured it would stay that way. 

"Natasha," Tony came up to her. "You are a hard person to find." 

"I didn't want to be found," She said, she was not happy with any of them. None of them took her side during the custody battle, always told her that it would be better to end things on a more peaceful setting. Her friends had no belief in her. At all. 

"Tasha," Clint said, standing up at the sight of her. "It's been a while," she could only look at him. Natasha looked over at Nick one last time. 

"Where is my son?" She asked. 

"He's right here." Steve's said softly, his voice came from behind her. She didn't want to turn around, but knowing her baby was right there made her heart clench. Then she heard his cries, not knowing why she didn't notice before but it did make her turn around. 

"Why is he crying," She asked walking toward Steve, she hadn't even looked at him yet, she was more focused on the crying baby that laid in his arms. Steve held him out as if opting for her to hold him. She could have sworn she had never moved as fast in her lifetime. She took James in her arms and for the first time in a long time, she felt happy. 

So did James, who stopped crying the moment he was in his mother's arms. 

"See Steve? He just needed his mother" Tony said speaking up once again. Steve signaled everyone to leave the room so he could talk to Natasha alone.  

"He misses you," Steve started, she didn't respond to him. "I am sorry it took me making a big scene to call you." 

"You never called me." She said. 

"That's not true and you know it." He said taking a deep breath. Steve tried keeping it all in, he didn't want her to get mad. It was all his fault, after all, all the pain she's going through, it's all his fault. "I'm sorry I didn't call you here to fight." 

"Then why did you want me here?" She asked, all the while looking at her baby. James was looking at her, his hand reaching out to touch her face. Natasha moved her hand over his so he could grab it. He let out little noises as he played with her hand. 

"Because I don't know what I'm doing. With James I mean." He said. "I can't do this alone." 

"I could have told you that." She said. "You don't even know how to make him stop crying." 

"I know." He admitted. "I am here to admit that I was wrong. I never should have fought you for custody. I am not fit to take care of James alone. It was wrong of me to take him away from his mother. These last few weeks have been hell without you, Natasha." 

"Why are you telling me all of this Steve?" 

"Because I want you to come back." There was silence. "Come back to the tower, you can have your old room back or you can come back to my apartment like old times. I can move all your stuff back if that's a problem we can get a mover. Everyone wants you back." 

"You want me to come back to the place where I was shunned? Where my so-called family basically told me I was fit to be a mother?" She asked. "Back to you? The man who took my baby away because he couldn't deal with the fact that I was right about what was best for James. Do you know how hard it was when the judge stood up there and told everyone the I couldn't probably care for my baby? That my baby was in better hands of Captain America the man who couldn't even tell his son had a fever." 

"I could tell he had a fever, I just said it wasn't to the point of concern." 

"When he's a newborn baby everything is a concern, Steve." 

"Why are you trying to start arguments?" He asked. "I am offering you a chance to come back." 

"Maybe I don't want to come back." 

"What? Why not? Your son is here." 

"How can I be a good mother to my son when I am around people who hate me? That I have to literally bite my tongue so as not to start arguments." She said. "I don't want James to know me as someone who yells, someone no one can stand." 

"No one hates you, Natasha," Steve tried to say. 

"They sure act as they do," She said in almost a whisper. Steve stared at her as she held the baby. She looked so hurt, she looked betrayed and Steve felt completely responsible for it all. He was responsible. 

"There is no way to explain it, but I am so utterly sorry for everything that I have caused. All the pain and the heartache that I've caused. I know that we were never really together in the sense of a relationship, but I do know that I have always cared about you. I wanted to be with you for the longest time and when it finally happened I froze, I lost all sense of self. It was my fault really." He said, he sounded genuine. "James coming into our lives is supposed to be a blessing, bring us together not pull us apart. You were and still are the great love of my life. I know that phrase is often used but it fits this situation. I've spent the time since then kicking myself for the things that I did, and for the things that I didn't do. All I can do now is say I love you, I love you, I love you.

A million times I'm sorry and a million times I love you. Sorry that I couldn't say those words to you when it would have made a difference. Sorry that I didn't give you the innermost parts of me that you expected. I want you to be happy with me. Please forgive me." 

"I can't simply forgive you, Steve. I was in so much pain." 

"Let me make it up to you." He pleaded. 

"I don't see a way that could justify me forgiving you. And you know what? you're not the only one to blame here. Of course, I hold some blame. I pushed the fights further than needed to be. I pushed you away because I was so scared of losing you and I didn't see that in pushing you away I was doing what I feared most in the beginning." She said. "I can't forgive you so easily and you can't forgive that easily, we both know that."  

"But I want to fix things. I want to be able to put the pieces back together." 

"You can't put together what was never meant to be together." 

"How can you say that when we haven't even given this a chance yet?" He asked. "Why we haven't even seen how far this could go." 

"Don't you understand? There is no us! There never was. We fucked Steve! We had a baby. That was it. Nothing more, nothing less." Her words hit Steve in the heart, piercing it. Natasha looked down at James who had now fallen into a deep slumber. She smiled and went to lay him in the crib so he could be more comfortable. For the first time, she looked over at Steve. His eyes burned with tears and by the look of it so were hers.  

"Is that really what you believe? Why can't you accept the fact that there could be something between us if you let it happen?" 

"Because all the facts pointing, practically screaming at us that it can't work out. I believe that what's happening right now is basically how we were destined to be." 

"No, I don't believe that. I don't accept that at all." He said shaking his head. He walked over to the crib where James laid fast asleep. "Look at him Natasha, look at this beautiful baby boy that we created, I don't believe that you can create something so perfect if you aren't in love." 

"How can you say you're in love with me when you don't know a thing about me?" She asked. 

"I know everything to know about you." He claimed. "You forget before all hell broke loose you were my best friend. I know that you only pretend to hate everyone, I know you have a secret love for clothes, if you could you would eat chocolate every day. I know you pull on your ear when you're nervous. You scrunch your nose a little when your annoyed, and your lips go up just a little when you're happy. I know you hate comedy movies, and you secretly love watching the prequels to the star wars movies because one of the characters reminds you of Nick. I know you love peanut butter sandwiches. I know that you get nightmares, and that's the main reason we became friends so that you come in my room when you get a nightmare and steel all of my blankets." She couldn't help but let out a smile, even though it was a really smile, almost invisible smile.  "I know a lot about you Natasha, how can I not? You're my favorite person." 

"You took him away from me," She said in a whisper. 

"And that will be the biggest mistake that I have ever made." He sighed. "I don't want James to grow up without his mother, he deserves to have his parents." 

"I know." She sighed. "I want to be here for him. I don't want him to alone, I'd never want that to happen." 

"He will never be alone. He will always have one of us." He told her. "But I think that we owe it him, to ourselves to try." 

"I don't know Steve." 

"I am taking a step here," He said. "Please, I made a mistake." 

"I miss you so much, you were my best friend," She started, "I have never known someone who holds a torch to you. But I don't think I was meant for this type of life." 

"This type of life?" He echoed. 

"Being a mother. Being a girlfriend. I love this little man to pieces," She said gently touching James's hand. "But I am afraid that I am going to ruin him. That I have messed up so bad that there will be no fixing it." 

"There is no way you can mess up so bad." He said gently. "You weren't the one who took a parent away from him," 

"I shouldn't have stayed away," she admitted. "It wasn't your fault and I don't want you blaming yourself." 

"We are very messed up you know?" he said with a slight smile, Natasha looked at him and smiled as well. "I don't want to keep messing up. At least not alone." 

"Do you think it's best?" She asked. "What if us just being in the same room just ends up being worse?" 

"I really don't see how it could be worse then what's already going on." He laughed. "We owe it to him, he is way too precious to have lost his family so early." 

"I don't want to be away any longer. I don't want to be angry with you. I want to try." She finally admitted. "I think we need to move on for him." 

"That sounds perfect. I really couldn't do this without you Natasha," 

"I don't know what this means for us." She said to him. "I don't know if we were just meant to be." 

"I respect that." He sighed. "You're my best friend above all and I don't want to ruin this even more. So if you think that we just can't be together right now, then I agree and I think we should focus on James. I Just want you to know that I will always be here for you, and I will spend the rest of my life attempting to make up for everything that I have done."

"We are both looking for forgivingness, it's going to take a long time, and I think that until we are able to forgive ourselves there can be no us." 

"I understand." 

"That doesn't mean I don't care about you, because I do." 

"I know you do." He said he reached for her hand taking it in his own. "We will figure this out. With time. Until then, we should focus on this little man." He said, taking James's other hand. "We will look out for him, and focus on creating a better life for him. So he can have the type of life that we could only dream of as kids. They type of life that he deserves to have." 

"He will be happy," She said confidently. "I know he will. There are so many people who love and care about him. His life will never be boring. Not with the people we know. He will know he is loved. I am sure about that. I also know that he will be safe. Beyond doubt." She sighed. "It's going to take a while to forgive you, the guys, even myself but I am willing to try. I am willing to attempt at putting everything behind us in order for James to grow up happy. That's all I could ever ask." 

"I know that the guys and myself included will work our way to forgiveness." 

"Me too," Natasha said, noting the blame was not totally on them but herself as well. "I would hate for us to end up like one of those separated families who fights whenever they are around each other. I don't want James to think that families fighting is normal." 

"Me either." He said. "Given our own childhoods, I think we know what we want to avoid in a family." 

"I want you to know I am not just doing this for James. You're my best friend Steve, I care about you so much I just need to understand everything. I need a chance to come to terms with everything and everyone. I want to be able to fount on you of course, but I also want you to be able to trust me. I know you're going to try and stop me and say you do trust me, but you don't. Not fully. I want to earn that trust. Your trust. You aren't like anyone I have ever met in my lifetime, and I don't want to lose you. Maybe that's selfish of me, maybe it's not I don't know. But what I do know is that there is a bond between us strong enough that was able to fix just a sliver of what the red room did to me. And they did a lot, some of which that just talking about brings back mountains of memories. 

I thought meeting Clint would be the single great thing to ever happen in my life. That there was nothing that could potentially stop it. He saved me, I didn't think that it was possible. However, while he saved me from them, you saved me from myself. You gave me a reason to live, as cliche as it sounds. I was a mess, a mess for so long. You came into my life, you believed in me when it was that no other agent did. You gave me a slither of your trust even when I didn't deserve it. Steve you were the person who really impacted my life, Clint started it, but you seemed to complete it. I know I sound dumb and I don't know if I am making very much sense right now or-" 

"You are making perfect sense," he reassured. "I feel the same way. I didn't have a place in this new world until you and I became friends. We started off as co-workers but when you started coming over after missions watching movies with me I didn't feel so alone anymore. You also saved me from me. Because at some points it didn't feel like I wasn't needed anymore. You made the world feel like it made sense. I could never thank you enough for that. You also gave me James. I never thought I could have a real, actual family." 

"Me either." She laughed. "We will work this out, we just need time." 

"You promise? I don't know what's going to happen if I lose you." 

"You will never lose me, Steve. You can hold me to that." She smiled. 

They may not be perfect, they might never be perfect, but one thing was for sure, they needed each other more then words can describe. He was hers and visa versa. The world they lived in was strange. But together, Steve, Natasha, and their son will pull through and hopefully come out on top, happy. 

I have been working on this story for two years. It's always been on my mind but I always lost inspiration. Lately, I was finally able to write it and I feel so proud! This is probably my favorite story that I have written. I hope you all enjoy, I will not be writing a part two because I personally feel like it will ruin this story. so this is it and I hope you all enjoy. Please leave your reviews down below, it means so much to me. 
XO- Sierrea