James,

I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm sitting here, writing you a letter, like it's going to make a difference. Like you're going to somehow remember me.

But I don't know what else to do. I can't tell anyone, I can't tell Steve what you mean to me, because I don't think he'll understand. I don't think anyone will understand. Not even Clint knows the truth. How can I tell him? How can I share something I can barely even put to words on a piece of paper?

When I saw you again after so many years, after so many restless nights, it felt like getting caught in the riptide. I was searching for the truth for so long, but...there you were. 

I'd spent years questioning why I met you. Why I had to fall in love with you. Why you had to be ripped away from me. I still don't know why, and I'm sure there was a reason I collided into you, but I'm so incredibly grateful that I did.

Maybe I deserved it, maybe I deserved to lose you, as some sort of penance for all of the wrongs I've done. There's so much blood on my hands, James, that I find myself calling your name in the midnight hour, reaching for you from the endless dream. The endless nightmare that I'm being sucked up, ripped away from everything I've loved and lost, over and over again until there's nothing left of me once more. 

There are so many miles between us now, but you are always here with me. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could see that stupid grin on your face, the one that made me feel like I was worth something. Worth loving. You always told me that I was the one thing reminding you of what it was like to be human. You said you always felt like some lost soldier who forgot ever had a home until I gave you one, but then they stole you away from me. They took everything we had, and I was left standing - empty handed - as I watched it all slip away like water through my fingers. 

Nobody knows why, nobody knows how, and...James, I...I'm barely keeping it together. This feeling begins just like a spark, tossing and turning inside of your heart, until you're left broken. Another washed-up failure, with all that's left of me exploding in the dark.

I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could do it all over again, because I'd never let you go. I'd remind you of how much I love you every second of every minute of every day, because that's what you deserve, James. That's what you've always deserved.

More than that - more than me - you deserve someone who is whole.

But I'll love you with the shattered pieces of my heart. With all that I am, however broken I might be, until the end of time.

Maybe someday you'll come back to me. Maybe someday we'll be together. Maybe someday this won't hurt. 

You saved me from myself, and - no matter what - I'll always love you.

навсегда.

Maybe someday I can save you.

Love, 

Lyrics from "Here With Me" by Susie Suh ft. Robot Koch.

Caught in the riptide
I was searching for the truth
There was a reason
I collided into you

Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me

Nobody knows why
Nobody knows how and
This feeling begins just like a spark
Tossing and turning inside of your heart
Exploding in the dark

Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me

Oh inside me
I find my way
Back to you
Back to you

Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me

Two words
In your hands
In your hearts
It's whole universe

You are always here with me