Friday night, I found myself at a party thrown by some friends of friends that Lena knew. The party had gotten chaotic and the rancid smell of sweat and weed smothered the cramped apartment.

I was drinking. I hardly drank. Most of the time I needed the control and I needed the awareness.

Tonight, however, what I needed was to stop thinking so much. So, I indulged in pink whitney. Something Carson drank. And it was good. Very juice-like, which was perfect for me, because the taste of alcohol wasn't something I could stomach most days.

Two cups turned into 3 and then 4 and then I was drunk.

I was a lightweight. It didn't take a lot for me. But when I could feel the room spinning I knew it was cut off time.

Carson and I were dancing, hips moving to the heavy bass, not embarrassed because our inhibitions were gone.

I saw Carter enter the party. His height made him easy to spot. He hadn't noticed me yet but I paid him no mind. I just kept dancing.

I was having a good time. Mostly because of the alcohol but also because I liked to dance. Even though I wasn't good at it.

Eventually, Carson and I went in search of water, needing to stay away from the alcohol.

The area near the keg was crowded, so I drunkenly moved to look for more solo cups in the kitchen.

I eventually discovered them above the cabinet and started climbing up the sink drawers to reach them. I grabbed a hold of two in my hand before trying to help myself down.

I must have slipped, as dizzy as I was and I let out a scream as I felt myself starting to fall.

I didn't hit the floor because I hit Carson on the way down, who also screamed as I landed on her.

We broke out into stupid giggles laying there on the floor and when I looked up Carter was standing over us. Looking annoyed.

I grinned and pushed off Carson once I caught a glimpse of him.

"Hey," I said, still laughing.

"Don't hey me," he said. "What's wrong with you?"

I gasped. "And you say I'm cranky?" I asked, still giggling.

"You could have hurt yourself."

I shook my head. "No. Carson caught me. See?"

Carson smiled from the floor.

Carter rubbed the corners between his eyes before extending a hand to Carson and pulling her up.

He made sure she was steady before coming back to me.

Carson looked between the two of us before smirking and making eyes at me.

"What's that Lena?" She said suddenly and dramatically. "Coming."

I rolled my eyes. She was so stupid.

"You drunk?"

I made the so-so sign with my hands. "Maybe just a little bit," I said casually.

He blew out a breath.

"Everytime I see you, you're getting into some sort of trouble. You're a safety hazard."

I couldn't even deny that one. Drunk me just smiled at that and got close enough to pat his face.

I wasn't so drunk that I wasn't in control, but I was drunk enough where I was feeling fine, feeling good.

I stared at him from up close. Skin 2 shades lighter than mine, hair cut close to his scalp. Lean but muscular. I didn't have a type but if I did Carter would have been it. 

I was drunk for sure but all this looking at Carter made me realise how hot he really was. Sure, he was always hot but man he had never been hotter than right now.

Maybe it was the alcohol talking but either way I was a good listener.

"Spencer, if you keep looking at me like that I won't be responsible for what I do next," he said in my ear.

At this point I didn't care who was responsible. Maybe it was the lack of inhibition but I didn't mind. For now I was done fighting this thing we had between us.

And before I could ponder that thought any further I turned to kiss him.

I was embarrassingly stiff at first, my inexperience showing, until Carter nicked my bottom lip softly, encouraging me to part my lips. I let Carter lead as he cupped my jaw and I let myself drown in him.

I had kissed one other person before and it was nothing like the way me and Carter kissed. It was never as good as this.

He tasted sweet, and his lips were heaven against mine. Caressing and rough all at the same time.

I moaned into his mouth, knowing where this was going and wanting more.

Carter released me when we both needed air. And I almost whimpered at the loss of contact, wanting it back more than I needed to breathe.

He wrapped his fingers around my head and through my hair, pulling me back into him.

"Christ," he muttered. "Only you would get me this worked up over a fucking kiss."

I smiled lazily into his chest. I was glad to know that we were both in the same boat. That it had never been this good for either of us.

"I want to get out of here," I told him. Staring up at him with both hands to his waist.

Lena was right. I was both horny and crazy. And now for the first time I understood why Lena and Carson did this stuff.

He groaned.

"Spence, I'm not doing this with you tonight. You're drunk."

I shook my head.

"Not so drunk that I don't want this," I whispered.

"Fucking hell Spencer," he said roughly with a shake to his head.

"I-"

He gripped my waist, cutting me off. Reacting like I was causing him severe pain. "God, Spencer don't say it again."

I shut my mouth and flushed. A little embarrassed now. I was looking away, preparing my escape when Carter spoke, his voice sounding like he was hanging on by a thread.

"Spencer, when I fuck you for the first time, I want you to remember it. I'm not letting our first time be some drunken fuck. I want your participation. Your active participation."

I blinked. My legs crossed on instinct to relieve the ache blossoming in between my thighs.

The way Carter spoke to me should have made me angry. It never did. It was like my body didn't get the memo because heat flooded my senses every time and I could tell Carter knew it.

I nodded at him, biting my lip. Grateful that he was a good guy. There weren't many out there.

When his gaze narrowed on my mouth I decided to defuse the situation. He was trying to be respectful and I needed to respect that. Plus he was probably right. I wasn't 100 percent myself.

"I'm in the mood for ice cream. Would you take me to get some?" I asked him.

His brows came together, probably confused with the sudden topic change.

"Please?" I asked, with my megawatt smile.

His eyes lingered on my lips again before he smiled lazily. Looking resigned.

"Fine."

"Yay," I said, feeling my nose wrinkle. "In the mood for chocolate."

I followed him to his car and he helped me inside.

And he did this by literally picking me off the ground and planting me on my seat.

I made eye contact with him as it happened and he only shrugged.

"Knowing you, you'd get hurt just trying to climb up."

***

He took me down the street and then towards the highway.

"You aren't going to kill me right?"

"What is it with you?" he said amusedly as he drove. All cool, calm and collected.

"Well excuse me for worrying about my safety."

He laughed and it sounded like it hurt.

"Spencer, text your friends and tell them where you are. I took you out of there and you didn't say one word to the people you came with. That's what's really unsafe."

I groaned.

He was right. I hadn't even been thinking straight. Granted the room had stopped spinning 20 minutes ago but I was going to use that excuse.

I pulled out my phone and started texting them, sending them my location as well.

"You scare me," he said exiting the highway.

He scared me too. What a coincidence.

"It's funny to watch, but now I'm feeling the sudden need to follow you around just to make sure you don't actually die."

Dramatic much?

"I've survived 20 years without you sir, I'll be fine."

He parked the car at Jeni's and I hopped down. Not smoothly though because I almost landed on my knees.

Embarrassed, I turned back to Carter, looking anywhere but him and laughing nervously.

I did that a lot. Kinda sounded like I was crying. Or maybe my crying sounded like a laugh? I wasn't actually sure.

He tugged my hand harder, seemingly still amused at my antics.

After ordering, I found out Carter hated chocolate ice cream. Not sure what I saw in him after that but I guess that's how I knew I was in deep.

We took our ice cream and walked around Wrigleyville. He held my hand or maybe I was holding his. But it felt nice. Very junior high. Before him I had never held any hand but my own really, and I had to admit this was better. Even though my palms were sweaty.

"Have you always lived in Chicago?" I asked.

"Yeah," he spoke as a car honked, its horn echoing in the distance. "My parents are from here and I don't think they ever want to leave. They had my sister young so they probably liked the familiarity."

"Where are you in the lineup? Oldest, middle, youngest?"

"Youngest. My sister is the oldest. We have an 11 year gap."

My eyes widened.

"She was the accident, not me," he said, picking up on where my thoughts went.

"You guys close?"

His face softened when he thought about it.

"Surprisingly, yeah," he said. "She actually just had a baby so I haven't seen her for a while. But we still talk a lot when she can. She also just got married to Jordan Campbell, the Bulls player."

My eyes widened again.

"Damn you guys are really a basketball family."

"You could say that," he finished. "What about you? You have any siblings?"

I smiled at that.

"Just one, my little sister Maya," I told him. "None of us were accidents though. She's 18."

He smacked my thigh for that and I smiled into my cone.

"You close with your folks?"

I nodded.

"Yeah. My whole family is really close. It wasn't good when I was growing up. We fought a lot. But now it's a lot better. I actually even miss them."

He hummed in the back of his throat but he didn't pry into the "fought a lot" comment which I was grateful for. It would have unlocked a can of worms that didn't need opening.

"You?"

He cleared his throat.

"Yeah. We might even be too close honestly. My mom, she's crazy. I love her but she's insane. My dad is more mellow but he was strict growing up. I don't think I'd be here without either of them though, so I love them to death."

I smiled at the ground. Happy he had that. Wishing that my home life was just as functional.

***

Carter dropped me off at home, kissing me again and reminding me not to be late for our date tomorrow.

While we stood on my front stoop, I asked him what to wear on this date and he said "nothing."

When I moved to slap him upside the head, he then said "a thong, if you'll feel too exposed without one."

I completed the slap after that one and he just grinned at me like he wanted to kiss me again.

"You can wear whatever you want, Spence, you could never look bad. You're too pretty for your own good."

I felt my lashes drag upon my cheeks at that comment and my face warm. I smiled a big smile at him and he brushed a curl out of my face.

"See you tomorrow?" I asked.

"See you tomorrow," He finished.

With that I turned to unlock my door and army saluted him as it closed behind me.

Foolish as it was, I was excited. More excited than I had been about anything in a long time.

And in return I was starting to forget that good things didn't happen to girls like me. That they never did.

But my stupid, stupid heart was too far gone and I like the idiot I was, was ignoring the warning signs.

I figured when I did start drowning, I wouldn't pull him down with me. I would give him up, give him the chance to live a beautiful life without me.

Girls like me didn't get beautiful lives. Boys like Carter did.