I ditched my ethics class with Carter on Friday.

I was still on the run and I didn't need him to catch up with me.

And I know I seemed like a crazy freak. Running hot and cold for some guy that I obviously liked but it was my protection. I had to protect myself. Nobody else would.

I braided my hair in two big French braids and slinked around the apartment that had no groceries.

I was currently eating shredded cheese out of a bag and laying on the couch.

Lena unlocked the door after her morning run and I ignored her, instead choosing to scroll through my phone mindlessly.

"Are you ditching today?" She asked all sweaty from her physical activity.

I nodded.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

I nodded.

"Are you lying?" She asked.

I shook my head, to which she sighed.

"You're a liar. You're a bad liar too," she said, shoving me over.

She got comfortable, ready to continue her prodding.

"Okay. Let's hear it," she said.

I stayed quiet.

"Come on bitch. It's my turn to pay it forward. Let me help."

I released a breath.

"I'm just avoiding someone," I said reluctantly.

"Carter?"

I scanned the room faux casually as I said, "maybe."

"Why?"

"Because he's pushy."

She stared. "That's it?"

"And he confuses me."

She stared harder. And I started to squirm.

"Listen, I don't have time for a relationship. Of any kind."

She raised a brow and just the gesture had me shaking in my boots. She was that good. It was like waterboarding.

"Okay, okay," I bargained, eventually telling her the whole of what happened on Wednesday. Including the after class stuff.

Her mouth dropped open after I finished and I nodded in the face of her shock.

"So you see my dilemma," I said.

Her brows drew together.

"No, actually I don't," she said confused. "You like him, he likes you. Why are you making it confusing?"

And that was a good question. A very good question. But it was hard to talk about all the ways your fucked up brain worked after being sexually assaulted at 5. And 6. And 7. And so on.

I turned back to her slowly.

"Listen to me Spencer," she said intently. "Go after your own happy. Don't make things harder than they are."

I nodded.

"I love you but you have to get out of your head. You think too much. Sometimes you have to just do it," she told me.

I just looked at her, over this conversation. Not wanting to talk any more.

"I hear you Lena."

She shook her head at me like she didn't believe me before getting to her feet. 

Lena and Carson were my best friends. They could be pushy but they knew when to stop.

She planted a big smackeroo on my temple before saying, "I'm proud of you kid. You're just like the rest of us now. Horny and a little crazy."

When I couldn't help but roll my eyes Lena grinned. "I love you Spence, and we're going to find you some happy."

I grinned at that but, that's where she was wrong. I had happy and I never ever ever wanted it back. The only happy I ever knew fucked me up beyond repair.

***

On Wednesday I went to class. I was done being a pussy. I even brought a peace offering.

I figured I would wear him out in time. I wasn't Carter's type. He'd realize that and move on. And then maybe we could even be friends. Well maybe if I could get past coming on him in the middle of a classroom like a freak.

I dropped a frappuccino in Carter's spot the same way he did mine.

His eyes raised to find mine and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Did you poison it?" He asked.

I nodded yes as I sipped mine.

"Fuck it then," he muttered as he drank it.

"One would think you want to die," I spoke as I sipped my frappuccino.

"Well, with this test today I might as well."

I spun to him with my hand on my heart. "We have a test today?"

He grinned.

I slammed my palm against my head. "Damn it."

"Relax," he said. "You can look at mine."

I frowned. Like that was going to help.

"Fuck off. I actually studied," he said, laughing. "And you should know most of the content anyway if you paid attention."

I blew out a breath of nerves as the professor walked in.

The test was easy. Carter and the cheating made it easy. I wasn't a cheater in normal life I promise but college professors were intense. One test would be like 30 percent of your grade, meaning one bad day and it's lights out for you.

After class, I thanked Carter for helping me and he responded by walking me to my next class.

"Are we okay?" He asked as I had zoned out on a tree.

"Um yeah. I'm okay. Are you okay?" I asked awkwardly.

"No."

I turned to him sharply.

"Why?"

"Because you're being weird as hell and I have no idea what you want or what's in your head," he told me slowly.

I stared at him. He didn't get it. My head was insanity and he didn't want an idea.

Still I answered, deciding to tell the truth.

"I don't know what I want. And I know that isn't what you want to hear right now, but you're confusing me. I've never met anyone who confuses me as much as you do," I told him honestly, giving him a piece of information that he didn't have to force out of me.

His brow raised. "Am I confusing or are you making things confusing?" He asked.

I frowned.

"Probably the latter," I mumbled, still on my honest streak.

He made a noise in the back of his throat like I surprised him, before coming back to me.

He looked at me intently as I fidgeted. "Spencer, I'm letting you know now that I'm going to stick around while you figure it out. And that I don't mind being sure about things for the both of us right now."

I ignored the flutter in my belly. Reminding myself of all the ways Carter was too good for me and how bad it would hurt when he figured that out.

We stopped near my class when I decided on something.

"I accept your offer for dinner," I said. "But only as friends. And not the kind of friends who kiss."

He grinned down at me.

"Why not?"

"Because kissing leads to other things with you and I don't want to do those things."

He laughed at that.

"You liked doing those things a lot from what I remember."

I pursed my lips.

"That was a one time deal. I'm not usually like that and we're not doing it again."

He looked at me like I was full of shit. His eyes lazily roaming my skin.

"If you don't think I'm going to watch that pretty face as you come all over my dick again then you're wrong Spencer," he said. "I'll never forget it. The sexy little whimpers in my ear, your nails running down my back? I'm going to be inside you Spencer. Just not until you beg me for it."

My stomach was on fire where his hand lay and I couldn't be sure, I would have to check, but I was 97% positive my underwear was soaked.

"Saturday at 6," he said suddenly. "I'll pick you up."

He reached behind me and plastered his hand to my ass before grabbing my phone out of my back pocket and putting it in my hand.

I didn't have time to be surprised by that maneuver because he started giving me his number. I quickly put it into my phone and texted him my address so he could pick me up.

I opened my mouth to tell him to get to class and away from me but the words died out from my lips when he moved his hands to my jaw, and kissed my forehead.

"I'll see you then," he said before releasing me and heading down the hall.

And as I stared at his retreating back, literally scratching my head, I came to yet another realization.

I was in big, huge, monumental trouble. Carter was dangerous. Just being around him made me lose my damn mind. I didn't know how he did it but I couldn't think straight around him.

I needed to think straight around him. And the fact that I couldn't wasn't confusing, it was terrifying.