I woke up again, this time stark naked. My dress must have come off at some point last night because my memory of everything was quite hazy.

One of my legs was thrown over his and his arm had wrapped around my waist, keeping me in place. The sun was glaring in my face and I turned over to protect myself from its rays. I also knew my hair and makeup must have looked atrocious but I didn't even care.

I climbed over him, reached down and shrugged on a t-shirt of his that luckily covered up all the good parts. I left the door open and found my bag so I could root through my phone.

2 missed calls from Lena and a text calling me a whore. Several texts from Carson, first panicked but then they became more like Lena's when she noticed my location was on.

I also got a text from my dad, a call or 2 from my mom and something on twitter from Maya. Nothing urgent, so I sighed in relief.

I turned back around preparing to tame my hair and yelped once I saw Bryce standing there.

He was wearing black athletic shorts and was shirtless. He grinned when he saw my hair and just like a stereotypical man, reached for orange juice from the fridge in order to chug it.

"Someone had a good night," he said to me, focusing in on my legs.

I flushed. Staring at my nails like they were the most fascinating thing on the planet.

He laughed at my obvious nervous energy. "I'm just fucking with you Spencer, relax," he told me.

I cleared my throat determined to not be weird but unfortunately for me the only thing that came out of my mouth was, "how do you know my name?"

His lips turned up at that as he leaned into the counter, watching me.

"I haven't been able to escape your name for a week," he said, smiling languidly. "I didn't get it at first but now, I do."

I felt my brow lift.

"What does that mean? What do you get?"

He shook his head at me, almost laughing again. Which was annoying. I didn't get what was funny.

"He still sleeping?" he asked, going back to the orange juice.

I nodded. "I'm a morning person but we were up late last night."

"I bet you were."

I scowled.

I almost said it wasn't like that but... it was kinda like that. Even though I was the only one who got off.

I huffed. "And what were you doing last night?" I asked. "Praying?"

"No," he said taking another swig of orange juice. "But if you need an explanation it's really more of a showing thing than a telling thing."

I hated it but damn him. His flirting made me nervous flush.

Just then I heard Carter's padded feet from behind me and then I felt his arm snake around my waist.

He kissed the side of my head and muttered a good morning. And I squeezed his hand in response. Still staring at Bryce.

The man in question gestured to me with his head. Smirking at my hand over his hand.

"She's cute," he told Carter.

His arm tightened. I'm pretty sure he was thinking about carrying me away like a caveman.

"I know," he said flatly.

I cut in, not liking the awkward energy in the room. He did complement me so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Thanks Bryce. That's super sweet," I told him while tucking hair behind my ear.

His smile flashed once more and he looked at me like he really thought I was cute. "That's me. super sweet," he muttered.

Carter seemed not to like this because the energy in the room really got heavy, which made something uncomfortable get more uncomfortable.

I wheezed with how tight Carter was holding me, looking for anything to fix this.

"Breakfast," I sputtered. "I'll make breakfast."

I wriggled out of his hold. "I'm just going to change first," I told them running back to the room. Escape on my mind.

I looked in the mirror and I saw a wreck. Which left me scratching my head at their macho boy antics.

I washed my face with water, (I didn't want to dig through his bathroom) and put lotion on that I had in my purse. I pulled my dress back on and used my hands to smooth out my hair that was now huge.

I did as best as I could before I went back out there.

"I make a great French toast. I could do that?" I asked, putting my head in their fridge.

They had bread milk and eggs, I needed cinnamon and powdered sugar and I could do it just fine. Fruit would work well too, I thought before turning back to them.

They were both looking at me like I was off my rocker and I wasn't sure why.

"What? I'm offering to make breakfast," I repeated.

"You realize that you haven't taken one breath in like the last three sentences," Carter spoke. "Jesus Christ Spencer, relax."

I took a breath just then, not realizing how anxious I really was.

"I'll make breakfast," he said. "You sit. Bryce has somewhere to be."

"I do?"

Carter looked at him, probably with annoyance, (he could be mean like that) and he put his hands up in surrender.

I made eyes at Carter.

"No no no, it's fine don't go," I said. "I'll make breakfast, it'll be cool. It's all good."

"No worries Spencer, I'm actually planning to hit the library. I'm behind," he told me. "Plus, our boy gets a little touchy when it comes to you. Normally I'd just not give a fuck but like I said before, seeing you and how you are, I get it. You two enjoy your Sunday morning. Just don't drink my orange juice."

I then watched as he headed to his room, probably to change.

I balled my fists and hissed at Carter. "Don't be mean to your friends."

He ignored me and dragged me to the couch. Sitting me on his lap.

"He's an asshole."

"He actually seems nice."

"That's what he wants you to think," Carter said. "With the shit he's done to me, he deserves this and more."

I decided we were heading into do not need to know territory so I shut my mouth. Rolling my eyes.

"You okay after last night?" He asked.

I felt my face heat. "Yeah," I whispered.

"Don't be embarrassed," Carter told me.

"I can't help it," I responded, honestly. "Also... sorry for not returning the favor. Both times. Next time though."

He laughed into my neck. Obviously not too bent out of shape. "It's okay. We're doing things slow. No pressure."

"This is slow? I've never gone so fast in my life," I admitted.

It was mostly because I had never technically had sex. The assault was just touching. He had enough decency to not get inside me at least.

He was close the last time but I got lucky. Which was rare for me, I never got lucky.

Suddenly I spun off of him.

"I've gotta pee. I'll be back," I whispered, moving to the toilet so he didn't see my threatening tears.

God, I was so fucking weak. It was never ending too. It always hurt a little bit but now I was just feeling too much shame, knowing that I was tainted and that now I had tainted Carter.

I didn't cry after a few deep breaths, but I still wanted to leave. I also wanted to write and my hands itched with it.

The ramblings of my inner mind were sprawled all out through the countless journals I had. I never finished one but I did just keep buying new ones. It was mostly because the words filled up the pages like a book, the long running series of what was my life. Each new part needed a fresh start and I needed the chance to begin again, which was why I was on my 31st journal.

I kept all of them. Some were at my parents home, 7 were with me. With all of this new stuff with Carter I was heading into unexplored territory. I needed a new journal, one that was meant for this shift.

All of the heft was still in me, it had nowhere to go and I was containing it until I could get it out.

I flushed the toilet even though I didn't go and I washed my hands. Willing up my courage.

When I walked out, Carter was making breakfast. French toast. I was surprised he could cook, my dad couldn't make a scrambled egg. And I had to be honest when I said Carter seemed like a man who didn't know his way around the kitchen.

"You can cook?" I asked, sitting on a stool.

He kept his back to me and I had to admit I was a freak for wide backs. It sounded stupid but trust me, I knew what I was talking about. Abs were whatever but a guy with a wide back meant they were big enough to pin you down and keep you there and that they-

He cut through my perving and spoke. "Yeah, a little. I'm not a chef or anything but my mom forced me to learn some things. It was annoying at the time but now it's convenient."

I stared at my phone and then his back and then my phone and then his back until he was done. And Carter's French toast was really not too bad.

It was good, not as good as mine, but it was good.

***

I was dropped back off at my place with a kiss and a smack to my ass. He had to go to conditioning practice which meant I actually got to go home.

I got home expecting to see Carson and Lena but they weren't home. It was better that way. I wanted some quiet and a shower. I washed last night off me and soaked in the tub before shutting my door and finding one of my new journals. Writing until the side of my palms ached.

***

I must have fallen asleep again because when I woke up it was 6 at night. I opened my door and found Carson making dinner.

"Good you're up," she cried when she caught sight of me. "We need details."

Lena came flying out of her room, with her glasses and slippers on, literally skidding across the floor. They both sat on the couch and looked up at me, with their eyes widened like children.

When I stayed quiet Lena smiled. "You lost it didn't you? How big was he? Show me with your hands."

I curled my lip at her. "Get your fucking head out of the gutter."

"Fuck off," said Carson. "You've been mooching off our love life for years. It's your turn."

I huffed. Then I started pacing. They were right. They always had juicy stuff. It really was my turn.

"I'm still a virgin but we did things," I told them.

"Things like?" Carson said, still prying.

And that's when I gave up and gave them the full rundown of everything. Everything in explicit detail.

"I think that's it," I told them once I finished.

I looked over at them to see their reactions and Carson actually had her eyes closed. When I called out her name she lifted her palm up, to silence me.

"Hold on Spence, I'm thinking good thoughts," she said with a smile. "Really good thoughts."

I paced around again because I wasn't. I wasn't having good thoughts at all.

"Why are you not jumping up and down? A fine guy is into you and he knows what he's doing? You're winning right now," Lena said as she watched me.

"He's too good for me. Like way out of my league. I don't even know what I'm doing here," I told them.

Carson and Lena went silent.

They slowly turned to stare at each other. Blinking so fast I could almost hear it.

And I then watched as their mouths tipped up before they broke out into belly laughs. Literally clutching the couch cushions out of breath laughter.

I was in a tizzy otherwise I would have been scratching my head. This is what people did to me and I had no idea why. Seriously, what the hell about those sentences was funny?

"What the fuck are you on about Spence?" Lena asked, finally recovering from her laughter.

"Seriously, you're one of the prettiest girls I know. You're smart and driven and an amazing writer. Just because he dribbles a ball between his legs and happens to be really cute doesn't mean he's out of your league. If anything it's the other way around," Carson said.

I ignored them. They were supposed to say things like that. That's what good friends did. Still they didn't get it.

"I don't think you understand," I told them.

Lena raised her brow. "Okay, make us understand."

I felt tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of them understanding.

I cleared my throat."Is this fun lighthearted talking or is this space for me to discuss some real shit that has ruined everything talking?"

They both became alert.    

"It's whatever you want it to be Spence," Carson said, frowning.

I breathed through my nose, shutting my eyes as I did so.

"Seriously, you can tell us anything," Lena said.

"Do you promise you won't make it weird if I share?" I asked in a small voice. Wincing as I heard the way I sounded.

I hated that voice, I hated feeling so fucking weak.

They nodded. And I sat down with my back to them and put my knees to my chest.

I couldn't look at them. I'd cry. I hated crying.

Lena put her hand to my shoulder as I rocked.

I was trying to find my courage. I hadn't ever told anyone. Not even my own mother. No one.

"When I was small," I said, my voice wobbling. "Starting at 5 I think? I honestly can't even remember. I can't remember. And maybe it's because I don't want to remember."

I grew silent again. Trying to will the words out of my mouth. And I was crying now, the taste of the words pricking my throat like thorns. The drip of a thousand storms raining down my face.   

I wanted it out. I wanted it gone.

"When I was small, I was touched. By a family friend. He never raped me but he touched me. Everywhere. Made me do things," I choked out as I heard their indrawn breaths from behind me. "And I've never been the same.

You guys don't get that I'm ruined. He ruined me. And I can scrub and scrub and scrub until I'm raw and bleeding but I'll never be clean. Never again. He'll always be out of my league because I'm dirty and I don't deserve him. In fact I never did, and I never will, because I'm ruined."

And as soon as the words were out I could hear nothing but the blood rushing through my ears.

A weight was gone but another came to take its place.

I was free for a split second, free from hiding. And then the heavy found me again. Because now that they knew me for what I was, I felt the burn of shame radiating from my insides.

The disgust made me shut my eyes, the sting leaking through my pores.

I felt my body rock, as anguish ripped from my throat. And I cradled my own damn body in my own damn hands.

Because their kisses, and their movements to hug me didn't prove a damn thing. They didn't make me feel a damn thing.

Their words couldn't fill the holes and their love couldn't make me feel any more whole. I was empty. And I knew the score.

When the curtains closed it was just me on that stage. Everyone else faded away. I had myself and that's all I'd ever have. I entered this world alone and deep down I knew I'd leave that same way. And it was fucking stupid of me to believe otherwise.