I check my phone for the umpteenth time to be sure I didn't miss a message, any message at all. I'm slowly dying for a message from Landon if for nothing but to at least acknowledge me as his girlfriend yet nothing. I sigh dejectedly.

Since his return to school on Tuesday, we've barely had time to talk about our relationship or even act like we're together and I have so much plans for us.

"Is everything okay?" Kenny asks, placing her dirty clothes inside a basket. I watch her flex her biceps in the process, wondering how she makes girly activities look manly.

she doesn't have massive muscles like a guy, she just doesn't have enough girly features, no boobs, no ass to compliment. Sincerely sometimes I get embarrassed being around her. It irks me that someone with such height, wonderful skin, and thick brows could still not be attractive even when surrounded by the most handsome guys, guys like Landon.

"Landon hasn't texted me today, he promised to do that every day," I hiss.

I observe her face for anything at all, Kenny is very good at masking her feelings even her best friend knows nothing of the girl she is. I watch her pack her dirty clothes consisting mainly of joggers, hoodies, polos, and the rest, not a single skirt was included.

"You can call him instead since a relationship is a two-sided thing." she offers sincerely.

"Never! it'll seem like I'm desperate and I don't want that. I want Landon to woo me every day and I'll make sure of that." I feel tingles on my toe just by the mere thought of having him run after me for keepsake. It felt like the greatest miracle when Landon asked me out, though I had been anticipating it the whole vacation because we got so close as friends that we shared our past relationship experiences and our fantasies. I made sure to always call and text him, making him see my worth and it worked.

My phone buzzes beside me and I'm spread out on Kenny's bed with the ceiling fan rotating effortlessly.

My eyes pop out of their socket when I see who messaged me.

"Oh my God, Kenny! Yvonne just messaged me on Facebook. Can you believe that?!"

"Really? What does she want from you?" Kenny asks.

I stand on my knee amazed at how Kenny could turn into a Debbie downer in a second.

"What do you mean? She wants to be friends with me. Is it so unbelievable?"

"I'm not saying that Jess, you never liked Yvonne for any reason, you and I... You hate her guts and how she looks down on people like us, remember? Besides, you know it's because of Landon she wants to be friends with you," Kenny says, pulling out her dirty sneakers from the top of the wardrobe, avoiding my gaze.

"l know Yvy and I never liked each other, but Kenny, people change, and not because she didn't choose us to be in her gang then we suddenly condemn her," I emphasize with hope.

"I've spoken with her these few days of resumption and she's so cool," I try to convince her, giving off a wide smile knowing Kenny has no likeness for Yvonne but I don't want that to affect our friendship.
Deep down I've craved so much to be friends with the affluent classy girls in our grade so I have to convince Kenny to chill.

"And it's only because you're dating Landon who is her ex!" she states firmly, the reserved Kenny gone and a bold blunt girl stands before me for a while before carrying her laundry downstairs, and at that, I frown.

How can someone you belittle make you fear them at the same time? Kenny may look fragile and timid but can be fearsome sometimes. It feels like she hid more than she says but she isn't going to fool me like the rest.

I smile to myself, bolting her door and rushing over to her fancy laptop.

One thing she does realize is that that I know her password and can access whatever info I want. So I adjust happily and continue from where I stopped.

   ~~~~~

Diary
Monday 1:30 pm

Today I don't feel like saying hello to you Gem because I feel like my heart is being ripped apart.
Today marks the worst day of my life. Gem I found out I lost the battle again, this time to a closer enemy, an enemy I thought wasn't a challenge at all.
For this battle and the rest, I won't fight anymore, I won't... because I know victory is never for me but why won't my silly heart listen to its owner and beat for other purposes, not for one alone? if there's an antidote for this feeling Gem, please I need.

                                ~~~~~

Diary
Tuesday 9:58 pm

Is jealousy the right term for what I feel in my heart?
Or envy and covetousness? because I know jealousy is supposed to give a good yield if channeled properly.
but no! Mine wants to rip apart and derive joy in doing that.
Today I saw my greatest challenge with my weakness and I'm once again reminded of a lost battle.
Gem, I need your advice. I need to feel like the old me again, alive.
Once I asked you if I was infatuated and you agreed but this time I feel it's more than that. I am being careful not to mention the word.

***

"Oh, my goodness, this girl is such a freak!!!! I blurt unknowingly, as I recollect myself tuning down my tempo.

I wonder why she never writes the names of the people she's referring to? if ever she's talking about humans.

"And who the hell is Gem?" I wonder out loud. if it's her secret online lover or a ghost.
I'm about to click on today's write-up when the doorknob squeezes and someone rams on the wood vigorously.

With fear, I log out and shut her system, flinging it on the desk where I got it from before rushing to the door.

"Hi!" I smile stupidly wondering why I'm saying hi to her as if we just met. It's so unlike me, so I sigh.

Kendal rushes inside without suspicion, searching around for God knows what as I watch her with fidgety  fingers.

"Are you done washing?! you were fast." I start following her movement, she bends to look under her bed and pulls out a thin cane.

"Yes, I'll deal with that boy today!" Kenny thunders running downstairs, I grab my belongings deciding I've had enough for today. I run after her to find Jordan, her younger brother standing firmly in the passage leading to the sitting room, fuming.

"Kenny, why do you want to spank this boy this hot afternoon? You know he's forever stubborn, just let him be, he'll learn as he grows older." I hold onto my friend making sure she doesn't use the cane on Jordan.

"Jessica you won't understand, I pleaded with the boy to wash off his dirty plates after lunch, and look where I found them, Ernie was licking it all up in the backyard!" she yells in frustration.

I've never seen my friend in such a bad temper, she takes in large breaths to calm her nerves. If not I guess she would have jumped the little boy's bones by now.

After a while of contemplation, Kenny continues with her complaints.

"Jordan gave his dirty plates to the dog to lick clean for him, so HE can pretend it's washed and put them back into the basket. Tell me what kind of human being is he? isn't he mischievous?" she's fuming at this point, and her collarbones are very obvious as she takes
large gulps of breath to calm herself.

I watch Jordan stand unperturbed at the ruckus he has caused, he feels no remorse at the accusations laid on him rather it looks like he'd pick a fight with his sister if the cane ever touches down on him.

"Kenny just ignore him and do your laundry, tell him to Carmen when she gets home," Seeing this little distraction as my cue to go home, I bid them my farewell and take a cab home still anticipating a call or text from my boyfriend Landon.

But I know I can't go to my house straight away, I need a distraction at least for some hours till ten pm when the air at home will be less tense and everyone is retired to their rooms.

Nobody at school knows the shit I'm going through, and it's best that way.

Telling friends your secret will only make them hurt you in the end. My life as a kid was messed up. I envy Kenny a lot when I watch her complain about her father who has been absent in her life since childhood but at least he used to come home from service once in a while.

While I had to learn that, an absentee father is better than a bloody charlatan, and a low-maintenance wife.
My family taught me far enough that as a woman you need to secure yourself with a man who can provide for you, it doesn't matter how you acquire the man, just do.

Not a man like my dad or a woman like my mother who lost every bit of herself over a worthless marriage.

So I vowed to never again stoop low or be modest with what I wanted.

And what I want is to be vintage, yes classy, rich, and clean. Not sitting on the sidelines like Kenny and the rest of the nerds in my school while the world revolved round without me.

I feel accomplished with Landon, it's silly I know, but I deserve him and he deserves me. But I can't sit here in the cafe doing nothing, things are about rounding up for the night here and I need a distraction.

Ha! Maybe I should call him and hang out in his crib for a while. Maybe Landon might finally realize he has a girlfriend he forgot to call.

In the meantime, Terri's my best bet since we have history way back.
I take my fancy lady's shoulder bag and exit the little Lottie's cafe I'm chilling at, taking a cab to my new destination.
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