Having brunch—now lunch—with Charlie's friends was fun. It was nerve wracking being with the entire basketball team at the same time but Charlie's hands on my knees was all the distraction I needed to get over the nerves that was racked up in my belly. Besides, Brontë and Mila showed up, making it more bearable and Dante and Ryan (funny, because I still think Ryan's an ass—just an ass I happen to like more after today) made sure to keep me involved in the conversation at all times. By the time the food comes, I know one thing for sure they all love and respect Charlie—I can tell by the way the underclass men relate with him—even his friends. And that includes Bradley. Not that Bradley had much to say  to Charlie but I'm sure his attendance alone signals that despite their differences, he respects Charlie enough to be there to celebrate with him.

They all had nice things to say about him. It was positively enlightening. And it made my heart squeeze with an emotion that I cannot describe.

Although, the atmosphere was jovial and buzzing with excitement, it was incredibly difficult not to notice that Charlie was distracted. At first, I thought it was in my head but then he'd pick up his phone when any notification came in. It wouldn't take a genius to know that he was waiting for someone to text him and was also avoiding someone's call.

I didn't want to ask him when there were so many listening ears. So I tried my best to ignore even though it killed me inside and listened to the very enthusiastic questions the guys had for me and the conversations going around. Eventually, Brontë playfully scolded the underclassmen for bombarding me with questions and I don't miss how one of them—Tito, a freshman on the team—says it's important that they know almost everything about their captain's new girlfriend.

I don't have time to correct him because Mila asked me to escort her to the toilet for a wee. Whilst in the toilet, all I could think about was how Charlie never disagreed. Nobody did. It brought a tightness to my chest.

And right before we went back out, I received a message from Dixie.

Stop texting me. Please!

****

Even now, as we drive back towards my complex because Mila had begged to stay over with me, I can tell that there's something wrong. Charlie's phone is buzzig nonstop. Thanks to his phone being on the dashboard, I can see that some are social media notifications and his dad. His dad is calling non-stop.

He picks up his phone again, and I'm forced to speak. "You shouldn't be texting and driving." I make my voice as lighthearted as possible. I watch him as he looks at me briefly, his right hand settling to squeeze my thigh. The action makes my vagina clench but I force myself to focus on his face—there's a child in the car for God's sake. He sighs heavily and the sound alone shatters me. It's crazy, two months ago, Charlie would have sighed the same sigh and I wouldn't think much of it but after last night. After getting to know about his childhood, it's different. The idea of him that I had in my head is gone—disappeared into thin air. And I know it shouldn't make me feel this way but getting a glimpse of him made me want to know him more. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

Worse thing he can say is no.

"I'm not going to make you my emotional dumping bag, sophomore." The smile he gives me doesn't reach his eyes. "I'm fine."

"You're not." I tell him, frowning slightly. "You are my friend. We can have a conversation, there is no big deal...unless you're not my friend and I'm entirely mistaken and delusional into thinking that we are—"

"We are not friends sophomore." I don't know how I'm supposed to interpret his words because Charlie's hand disappears from where they're resting on my thigh. I instantly feel cold. "I think we can both agree on that."

My mouth is about to form the word "what?" But I stop myself. I fold my hand across my chest and lean against the seat. "Fine." I say, looking out the window.

Confused is an understatement. Anger is an even bigger understatement. Frustration sums it up pretty much. And hurt because I feel hot tears burn my eyes as I watch our complex come into view but I blink them away. I'm not going to cry because I'm frustrated that Charlie isn't fully ready to open up to me. I'm not going to cry because he doesn't want to be friends or because I'm confused as to what exactly we are or what we'll be or never be. I'm a big girl, I signed up for this. Big girls don't cry.

I unbuckle my belt as soon as he's parked up. "Thanks for the ride." I tell him before getting out and opening the back door. Mila is so focused on what she's watching on her iPad that she doesn't realise that I'm unbuckling her from her car seat. "Come on Mila, we're here." I say, nudging her playfully on the knee.

Charlie appears on the other side, he grabs Mila's backpack and snatches the iPad off her in a way designed only for family members related by blood.

"Uncle Charlie!" She whines.

"Lorraine's talking to you," he says nodding towards me and stuffing the iPad in her backpack.

She looks at me and I offer her a smile and my hands, "We're here," I repeat. "Come on."

She climbs out of her car seat reluctantly, still sulking over her iPad. "Don't worry, we'll get your iPad off him." I whisper in her ear when she wraps her hands around my neck to be lifted out and Charlie shuts the door, rather loudly.

"Why's he being so grumpy?" I chuckle as I put her on the ground. She's a smart girl. And I realise how much I like this little girl.

Charlie appears next to us before I can reply Mila, his eyes flipping from me to Mila like he knows we're talking about him. Instead of validating his thoughts, I reach for Mila's backpack which he hands to me with no hesitation. I'm glad because I really cannot be bothered to have a conversation with him—I'm too heated. Plus Mila's here, it's not proper.

"I'll see you on Monday?" He asks, crouching down to Mila's height so that they're looking at each other. I stand there, fascinated as I watch them interact. Charlie is literally a different person when he's talking to Mila and I understand why. She's all he has left of his sister, Robin. She's very important in his life.

"Don't be naughty booper, listen to Lorraine and her friends okay?" He kisses her cheeks and before I know it, we are at eye level. My head spins a little at the change in the direction of his eyes. He's no longer the doting uncle, but his eyes are still soft. Tired. I instantly know he doesn't want to have a fight. "Thank you for coming today."

"You don't have to thank me, I wanted to be there." I try to keep the sass out of my voice, but fail miserably.
Charlie pulls me to him gently, making me hit his chest with a soft humph. My hand doesn't leave Mila's—I'm grabbing on so tightly I have to remind myself to soften my hold on her.

Charlie's blue eyes search mine, like he's reaching into my soul. It momentarily knocks the breath out of my lungs. I blink, feeling extremely overwhelmed by the emotions that's brewing in my chest. I open my mouth to tell Charlie I'm tired but he beats me by speaking first. "We are not friends, Lorraine. We can't be."

"You already said—"

"No let me speak," He grumbles and I shake my head reluctantly. I open my mouth to speak and I swear, I think I hear him growl. Mila's hands tighten around mine so I know my ears weren't playing tricks on me. I press my lips firmly together, reminding myself to breathe. "We have something that goes way beyond friendship and it's useless to deny it any further." Taking a deep breath, I wait for him to continue. "The last time I was with someone, it was f*cked up. And I've never even considered the possibility of being with someone that way again...until I met you."

"Charlie—"

"I want you." My throat closes up. I force the lump down with a forceful swallow. But my eyes don't leave Charlie's. My heart is racing uncontrollably in my chest as I realise that I'm hanging on to his every word now. "And not just in a sexual friends with benefits way, I want you want you. I want the f*cking cuddles and the sleepovers and the talking about your day and the dates and exclusivity. It scares the living crap out of me but I want it all with you." All I can do is stare at him. Charlie chuckles nervously, "I know I sound crazy and you probably don't want—"

"No," my voice sounds strange to my ears. I realise that I'm still in shock hearing everything he's said. It's a sudden change from what just happened in the car but it makes sense. He didn't say we weren't friends because he doesn't want me to know him—it's actually the opposite. I blink, "No, you don't sound crazy at all. It's just a lot to take in."

"Why?"

"For starters, you've made it quite clear on different occasions that you don't want a relationship." The thoughts starts to form together in my head the more I talk and I can't believe it. I find myself taking a step back from Charlie. His expression turns rigid instantly. I hate it.

"That was before I knew you sophomore."

"You mean before I knew you." Charlie doesn't move, his eyes stay locked in mine. "Is this because of last night? I've gotten close to you and now you think you want a relationship with me. Or is this because you don't want me to have sex with somebody else." I say spelling out the word sex so that Mila has no idea what I'm talking about.

Charlie's face hardens. "I don't want you to have sex with anybody else." He says in a matter of fact tone, mimicking my spelling. "But that's one reason in a thousand."

"So why?"

"Lorraine—"

"You have to be sure." I blurt out, feeling silly for the tears springing to my eyes. Charlie's expression automatically relaxes when he sees the fear in my eyes."You have to be sure. You have to know why you want this because I have spent the last few weeks pretending to not want more. Killing myself to be the perfect f-buddy who doesn't stay over, who doesn't overstep boundaries, who doesn't want to talk, who can't miss you when you're away. I have been—" I shake my head, feeling a traitorous tear slip out of my right eye. "What if we don't work out? What if you find out I'm a terrible girlfriend or you're a terrible boyfriend? What if we don't work out? What if we—"

In one swift motion, Charlie's lips is on mine, shutting me up. I accept the kiss, ignoring the strings of ew coming from Mila and focusing on the feeling of Charlie's lips on mine. The comfort it brings. The warmth. My eyes flutter open slowly when he breaks the kiss and I sigh contentedly. I wonder if he'd always kiss me anytime I panic.

"I understand that I haven't given you the time to process things properly. It'd be unfair for me to demand an answer from you just because I've suddenly decided that I want a relationship with you." He explains. I gulp, bobbing my head slightly. How is it that he knows exactly what to say even when I don't understand how I'm feeling. "We can take it slow sophomore. Stick to being exclusive for now, the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing can come when you're ready."

"Okay," I nod again feeling like a coward for being scared of something I've wanted. Charlie's phone rings again and he swears softly under his breath. "You should answer that, your phone has been going off all day."

"It's fine. It's just my dad." He tells me, shoving his phone in his back pocket, blue eyes fleeting to Mila before coming back to me. "I'll get it later." I nod, knowing this is not the right time to prod him with questions. He leans in for another kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Finally!" Mila groans when Charlie drops a kiss on her crown. Charlie waits for us to get in before driving off. Mila tells me I made the right decision by not being her uncle's girlfriend because I have to make him work for it.

And I couldn't agree more.

****

As I settle in for the night - after sending a first draft of my article to Melissa, a quick phone call with a Charlie, aimlessly scrolling through twitter and almost an hour of trying to get Mila to sleep - my phone dings continuously on the night stand. I curse as I pick it up terrified that Mila will wake up and then I'd have to spend the next hour getting her to sleep.

It's a bunch of messages from Dixie.

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
Lorraine?

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
Can we talk?

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
I'm sorry for being rude earlier.

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
I panicked.

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
I did something terrible.

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
I need your help..

[LorenaPerabo] Dix.taugh
Please?