For the first time in ages, I'm awakened by the feeling of the morning sunshine and not the annoying sound of my 6 AM alarm. And despite my sinful actions of giving into temptation last night and the tender soreness in between my legs, I wake up feeling refreshed, well-rested, and happy.

It takes a moment to adjust to the streaming light coming from my opened curtains, and when I catch a glimpse of my lying body in the full-length mirror opposite my bed, I can't help the smile that breaks out on my face. There's an overwhelming feeling of warmth and contentment in my chest.

I can't help but hide my smile underneath the covers like a shy schoolgirl who has just had her first kiss. Which, to be fair, is the same case for me.

  I had sex with Charlie. And it wasn't just any sex. It was dirty. Rough. Hot. F*cking mindblowing. Charlie Murtaugh f*cked the living shit out of me. And I liked it. I enjoyed every second of it. It felt like I was on top of the world. And he placed me there.

If someone told me a year ago that this would happen, I'd laugh in their face because never in a million years would I have imagined this. Never in a million years would I have dared to dream about this. I've never felt deserving enough. But last night, Charlie made me feel beautiful, unique and wanted.

At that moment, I mattered.

And Charlie helped me realise that.

As pathetic as it sounds.

The room is quiet, except for the soft sound of 90s R&B drifting in from my slightly open window. I rub the sleep from my eyes as I take in my surroundings. The right side of the bed is empty, and there are no signs of Charlie still being in my room. I internally wince at the soreness I feel as I swing my legs over the bed, climbing out. Every step toward my clothes is a physical reminder of last night. A constant reminder that I'm no longer a virgin.

   Regardless of the odd feeling of losing something, the smile on my face doesn't fade. The contentment in my heart doesn't dissipate, and I doubt it would. At least not right now. As I lean down to pluck my clothes from where they were scattered around the room, everything feels right-even my messy sex hair.

I can't help but giggle when I catch my reflection in the mirror. I don't know what I expected to see but I look the same-if I neglected my hair for two weeks without running a comb through it.

I might not look different, but I feel different. In a way, I can't explain. Am I changed? I don't think so. But will I change? Probably not. Losing one's virginity is a rite of passage after all and after having a difficult childhood filled with nothing but trauma and difficult memories, it wasn't something I had thought I'd get to experience so soon. For me, losing my virginity was going to be a sad thing. Something I'd have been forced to do, probably at the age of 40 with someone willing to put me out of my misery.

But that wasn't quite the case.

This was good. This was Charlie. And even though he isn't right here, at this very moment, next to me, I appreciate the fact that life gave me a positive. And I am happy.

You should be happy but not stupid. Where is Charlie?

I suck in a breath, trying to suppress any negative thoughts about Charlie's presence-or the lack thereof. I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to do this. Charlie made it well clear. This isn't a relationship which means he's not obliged to stay over. It's not like I didn't sneak out the other night too. Fair is fair. If anything, it allows us to avoid any awkward morning-after conversations.

I shake away the sting in my chest and grab my Mac from the floor where it must have dropped and place it on my dresser. I have a lot of work to do for my new article and classes to attend.

Best to get on with that instead of letting my mind wander to places they shouldn't.

Good idea.

My alarm goes off just in time and my eyes prowl the room for my phone to turn off the awful sound. I spot it on my dresser and reach for it. But the torn piece of paper wedged between it and the table catches my attention as it drops to the floor. I turn off my alarm and bend to pick it up, turning it around in my hand.
Scribbled meticulously in Charlie's handwriting is a little note that strikes up some hope in my heart.

      SOPHOMORE, IT TOOK ALL OF MY
      WILLPOWER TO DECIDE GETTING UP
      FOR PRACTICE WAS WORTH MORE
      THEN STAYING IN BED WITH YOU. JUST
      WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT
      THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD GET ME
      THROUGH TODAY IS THINKING
      ABOUT YOU.

CHARLIE

****

I almost missed my media studies, class. Almost. But today decided to stay a good day after all. It took about 5 minutes to wash the sex off my body. Every other thing was done in 30 seconds, max. It wasn't until I was inside the Uber I booked to campus that I realised that I had to wash sex off my body because Charlie wasn't wearing a condom last night.

And that thought could only stay on for 30 seconds because I was running out of time. That thought was biting at my insides but had to stay at the back of my mind because I had missed a huge chunk of the class and needed to catch up. But now as I make my way out of the Media Studies building, not only am I starving and in desperate need of a cup of coffee, my mind has the time to go into overdrive. It's a good thing I went on the pill about two weeks ago.

But What the f*ck? No condom? Charlie has f*cked half of the school population and yet he didn't use a condom? What the f*ck? And although I refuse to be a phone watcher, I can't help checking my phone once again, hoping Charlie has replied to the one text I was able to send to him in the Uber. 

  Hey, did we use a condom last night?

No.

Okay, well do I need to get tested?

It has been three hours. But still nothing. I swear to God, men can be so infuriating.

"You know, it's not safe to walk and text at the same time."

"I'm not texting, I'm just-" I look up from my phone, realising that the voice I just heard belongs to one human alone. "-Charlie."

My heart flutters in my chest as I stuff my phone in my bag. Dressed in a pair of blue UCLA basketball shorts and a plain white shirt, Charlie's blue eyes roam my entire body. When I come to a halt in front of him, his eyes soften, and his lips curl up into an innocent smile. The complete opposite of all the things I know he's capable of.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, steering my mind away from the gutter it was headed.

"Picking you up." He steps aside, his hand motioning towards the red Jeep Wrangler parked by the sidewalk. My heart stirs in my chest in a way it shouldn't and I feel my entire being buzzing with electricity.

I should be annoyed. It shouldn't matter that his perfectly blue eyes are staring at me in a way that's making all my anger dissipate into a pool of nothingness. But it does and all I truly want right is for Charlie to show me all the many things I know his tongue and hands can do.

"How'd you know where to find me?"

"Elle." He states, pulling the door open, but I stay rooted to the spot because I will need more than my best friend's name to get in the jeep. "Along with promises of game tickets with front-row seats."

Typical Elle.

"Well, did you get my text?"

His voice softens as he says, "We've got a game in 2 days, practice was brutal today, I couldn't get to my phone."

An okay enough excuse. But I still don't move. Because, sod it, I am a little angry. Rightfully so because it only takes a second to pop on a condom and reply a text.

"Come on, sophomore, stop sulking and get in."

I cross my arms and lean in closer. "You didn't use a condom?" I whisper yell, my eyes darting around to make sure no one is listening to us. "Who forgets to use a condom? That's like the number one hook-up rule, even I know that."

"So how come you didn't remind me?" He asks, his eyes resting on my lips for far too long than necessary before moving to my eyes. And lord, all I can see in them is a promise of more. So much more. My head starts to spin a little. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. Until I force the words out.

"I was-preoccupied." There's a playful gleam in his eyes and I look away, feeling a tad bit stupid. But Charlie grabs my elbow gently, forcing my face to meet his.

"All I wanted to do last night was apologise for being an ass. My intention wasn't to have sex with you, sophomore. I left my wallet in the car and I didn't want to risk killing the mood by going to get it. Besides, you're on the pill, I saw the tablets on your dresser this morning. And, I'm clean there's nothing to worry about." I must not have looked convinced because Charlie's eyes soften again. "I'll take a thousand tests if you want me to and I'll never forget to use a condom again."

Again.

The word sticks out to me like a lightbulb in a sea of dark. Charlie wants to do this again. I can't help the warmth that implodes in me.

"You don't have to take a thousand tests; just one or two." I joke which makes him roll his eyes.

"A thousand or two, I'll take 'em, if it makes you happy." He says, his gaze is unwavering. He means it. And I'm so taken aback by the realisation-I think we both are-that I just stare at him as admiration builds in my chest. Or is it hunger? Because my stomach growls mercilessly, forcing me to take a step back. "Someone's hungry."

"Yeah," I say. "Starving."

"It's a good thing I have the Young brothers on speed dial." Charlie steps aside and pulls open the jeep door. I smile thankfully and climb in.

"Whose car is this?" I ask as Charlie gets behind the wheel.

"Pardon my manners, this is Lucy. She's mine," he replies, pulling his seatbelt over his chest before running his hands along the wheel.

"You named your car Lucy."

Charlie nods. "Yup. She's a beauty, I couldn't not name her."

"But Lucy, though?" I give him a you couldn't have come up with something better look.

"Lucy Roberts, the first woman to break my heart in 1st grade over a piece of candy." There's a faraway look on his face. "Tough times."

I can't help but laugh a little. "You named your car after a girl that broke your heart in first grade?"

"I was trying to be poetic. The first car, first heartbreak, first grade-" Charlie paused and looked at me. "It made sense at the time."

I nod in mock approval, fighting away any jealous thoughts of said Lucy. If she were so important she'd be here. Except, she is here. I'm just sitting inside her.

"Lucy got written off by the insurance company after my accident, but I wasn't going to let her go without a fight. So, I got her fixed myself."

"Oh," I say, not wanting to press on about his accident. The car must mean a lot to him if he didn't want to let it go. Especially after such an incident. "So what happened to your other car? Did she have a name?"

"Seatbelt." He instructs and I smile, turning to pull the damn thing. "I'm still deciding what to do with it. And, no, there can only be one Lucy."

When I look up from my seatbelt, I'm met by Charlie's mouth on mine. It was a short kiss, but just long enough for him to inhale my breath, sweet enough to intoxicate me and moist enough for the warmth of his mouth to linger on my lips. My eyes, half open with desire, look up at him as he places his forehead on mine, his hand caressing my cheek.

"I've been dying to do that all day-I've been dying to do more than that actually." He whispers. All I can do is stare at him because it's difficult for me to imagine a world where Charlie is dreaming to kiss me. But my stomach speaks for me, causing the both of us to laugh. Charlie plants a kiss on my nose before pulling away, a charming smile on his face. "But it looks like I need to feed you first."

***

"Have I got something in my hair? I feel like everyone's staring at me." I blow out a breath as we find a quiet area to seat next to the Young's food truck. "Maybe we should have waited in the line like everyone else."

"And have you pass out on me for starvation, hell no." Charlie shakes his head. "No one's staring at you, sophomore, you look fine. And technically, we ordered our food before any of these guys did."

Which is true, considering we ordered our food before we got here. However, a frown settles on my lips as I watch the long line of people patiently waiting for their turn to order. I pull my chopsticks apart as Charlie opens up my pad Thai and pushes it to me. "Thank you," I mumble, pulling the food closer. My belly growls in response but I just stare at the food, unable to get the thought out of people staring out of my head.

"Stop worrying so much and eat."  Charlie who seems to get a different thing every time we come here opens up his order of Janjangmyeon and starts eating.

I sigh. "I don't know, it probably sounds stupid, but I can't help but think people are staring because they know that I-that you-" I sigh again. "That we-"

"-we had sex." Charlie completes for me, unfazed. Like he already knows what I'm thinking. I look away, unable to meet his eyes. I know it's wrong of me to think that way but I can't help it. There's still that small part of me that won't let go of Charlie's interview. Not that anyone can blame me, the whole thing was traumatising. "I didn't tell anyone, if that's what you're asking."

If Charlie's angry by my insinuation, he doesn't show it. Or maybe he isn't. He simply stares at me like he understands why I would have such thoughts and I feel the tension in my shoulders ease a little bit. I push my food closer to me. "I'm not asking."

"But you've thought it." Again, not a lie. I stab my chopsticks in my food and eat. "Have  you ever thought maybe people are staring at you because you're, you know, you?"

I throw him a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"

Charlie hesitates for a second, then drops his chopsticks. "I'm pretty sure the first time I saw you, I f*cking stared at you, for like, a full five minutes." He admits.

"You-" I pause, processing his words. And then it hit me. "What are you talking about? First time you saw me was when Byrne was being a dick in front of the class."

"No that's the first time you think I saw you. I had seen you about a couple of times before freshman stat."

"Really, where?" I ask, trying to think back to the possible places Charlie could have seen me.

"For a girl who's always sitting in the main Starbucks infront of her laptop, you think you're so invisible."

"I-" I come up short of words.

That is a very valid point.

"Had me thinking for sometime, why you were always there. But then it all made perfect sense when Mila told me about your crush on the coffee boy." Our eyes meet, and Charlie's is dancing with amusement as a blush rises to my cheeks. We have never really spoken about Rex. Especially after what happened at Charlie's beach house. That seemed like a lifetime ago. A different lifetime. A different Lorraine. Maybe even, a different Charlie.

Well, we certainly had a different relationship then.

My face heats up again and I find myself looking away, scared Charlie can somehow hear my thoughts.

"Do you still like him-the coffee boy?"

"Why do you call him that?" I ask, after swallowing. Pretending not to be shocked by the question. So direct. No beating around the bush. No time to prepare an answer. "He has a name, you know."

Charlie steals some of my sides but I don't complain. "Wrong answer." He points his chopsticks at me, accusingly. "You still like him."

"I don't." And I know that I don't because when I think of his name, none of the feelings I once had accompanies it. Rex's name has as much effect as the most used word in the dictionary. A little weird for me to say out loud because I haven't admitted it to myself. But here I am, admitting it to the reason why. The reason why everything I thought I was isn't any more.

"Why?"

Why?

I stuff my face with a chopstick full of kimchi to stop the answer that instantly sprung to my head from spilling out. You. You're the reason why. Instead, I settle for an easy. "Is that a trick question?"

More like a stupid one.

"I'm trying to figure out what he said that night to upset you." Charlie leans back in his chair and I realise he's almost done with his meal.

We never spoke about that night-not like we had the chance to. I was too ashamed and angry to allow him even the slightest detail of what happened between Rex and I. But Charlie was there for me. He saved me from drowning, and not to forget, one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. He earned an explanation.

I put down my chopsticks, suddenly feeling full at the remembrance of that night.

"He insinuated that he'd hang out with me if I was, you know, down to have sex with him," Charlie's eyes spark with anger, but he doesn't move. He just waits for me to continue. "Which, in all honesty, I don't blame him for. He didn't ask me to like him, and form an entirely perfect version of him in my head; that was all me."

"It doesn't give him the right to disrespect you, sophomore. Rex is an idiot and you deserve better than him." I give Charlie a humourless smile, unconvinced. Charlie leans in, resting his weight on the table as he does so. "And don't you dare blame yourself or anybody but me." He pauses, a pained look on his face as he shrugs. "I wish I could take back that f*cking interview."

"It's not about the interview-"

"It is," He cuts me off, leaning back once again. "I regret it. I regret so many shit I said. And I know I've apologised but-" Charlie sighs "I took it too far with the interview. I'll spend a f*cking lifetime apologising for it if I have to."

"You don't have to." And I meant it. He doesn't. Yes, the interview will never truly go away but I know he's truly sorry about it. I can see it right now in front of me. If Charlie could find a way to wipe that interview out from existence, he would without hesitation. "I won't lie and say that I don't hate that it's out there, because I do, but I can learn to live with it. And understand why it came to be."

He gives me sad smile and a small nod.

"When was the first time you saw me?" I ask, changing the subject entirely.

Charlie noticed my tactic, but smiles nonetheless. "Freshman orientation week."

My mouth hangs open. "Really?"

He nods. "Right by the quad. You had something that looked like the map in your hand but you still looked completely and utterly lost."

I laugh at that. "I used to get lost all the time. I think I spent the first two months on campus trying to find out where all my classes were." I explain, memories of me walking around completely lost rushing to the front of my mind. "And I hated going up to people to ask for directions because I'd be too anxious, and then those maps were literally the most complicated shit ever. It was just a whole mess." I smile at Charlie. "So that was my impression huh? Confused freshman?"

"Yeah. But then, it went more like, Holy f*ck, she's beautiful."