My brother and I were sitting in his sparsely furnished room together with the two people in this entire godforsaken court we trusted.

The four of us must have looked like a ghosts' group therapy session, with none of us having seen the sun in such a long time. None except me, anyways. At least I got out sometimes, running Amarantha's errands for her, but even then... It was rarely more than a few hours at a time, only a cruel reminder of the captivity we endured Under The Mountain.

This time had been different, though. I had been gone for eight full months, hunting down a rebellious Day Court Fae, only to find him dead already when I finally tracked him. That the High Queen had let me leave for that long was still a miracle to me, but considering the amount of time it had been already, I had given myself just a little longer until I would report back to her.

"Well, what are we supposed to do in your mind, Rhys?", Kryos, a white-haired member of the Winter Court, was asking in an aggravated tone.

"I don't know", Rhysand shot back. "If I did, I'd already have killed her myself."

Taliss, a slender Autumn Court female, tried to negotiate as always. "It's a good plan. If she can be kept in check, distracted long enough to ease her grip on her stolen power, one well-placed blow is all it would take. The only problem is..."

"Let's face it", my brother grumbled, finishing her thought, "no one has that kind of power over Amarantha."

It was the same discussion we had had many times. How to get rid of Amarantha, the cruel ruler who kept us all enslaved in this nightmarish court of hers. It was not like we ever found a realistic chance at ridding ourselves from her influence, but talking about it was better than nothing. It provided a certain sense of hope. 

Normally, I did not enjoy these conversations. They made me feel like a double agent, making my head hurt with all the conflicted emotions I was feeling. Because there was something I could not tell them, something that compromised my loyalty no matter how much I tried to resist it. 

This time though, I had been away for so long, that little thorn in my heart was barely there. It was always like this whenever I left. Everything became so much easier, but as soon as I returned... 

I had to seize the moment of remaining clarity before it passed. Even so, I heavily debated whether I should say what I was about to. To betray her like that... But these were my friends, my family, and I knew that what was messing with my feelings was a sweet poison, but poison all the same. "Not no one", I said quietly, raising my head to meet their eyes.

All three of their heads turned to me at once. "What do you mean?", Rhys asked, frowning. "Who do you have in mind?"

I immediately regretted my decision to speak. It had been a mistake. I couldn't tell them the whole truth, I just couldn't. As much as I trusted them, loved them, even, this went beyond friendship. It went beyond freedom. That did not make the choice to lie any easier, though. Knowing that I would eternally hate myself for whatever I did in this situation either way, I opted for the betrayal that would hurt my soul a little less. "Just... leave it to me. You'll see."

Rhys' face was still shadowed in concern, but thankfully, he kept quiet. I knew he did not like this sudden mysterious behavior on my end, but there was nothing I could do to assure him of my safety - nothing that wasn't likely to permanently cleave us apart, anyways.

×

I quickly rose from the bed when I heard footsteps approaching, standing up straight. The door swung open on an invisible wind and a woman clad in a scarlet dress matching her hair strode in - a woman I knew very well. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me, mouth agape with surprise.

I blinked back sudden tears of emotion as I looked back at her, my nervous breath coming faster as I took her in. Cauldron, I had missed her.

We stared at each other for a moment longer before we both burst forward, our lips meeting as we crashed into a fierce embrace.

"Nocta", Amarantha whispered when she stopped to catch her breath, "you're back."

"Of course I am", I grinned.

"I wasn't sure... you were gone for so long. I feared you had left me."

"I could never, you know that."

"Please." She led me to the bed. "We need to celebrate your return."

I let her throw me onto the soft pillows, scrambling with the fastenings of both our clothing when suddenly, her hand wrapped around my neck, pressing me down onto the mattress. Assuming she wanted to play rough as she always liked to do, I started grinning, waiting for her to continue what I had started and get us ready for the 'celebration'.

But she didn't relent her grasp and eventually, it became hard to breathe. "Amarantha", I choked, "enough. Can't... breathe..."

"You thought I wouldn't know, didn't you?", Amarantha hissed as she leaned in close, releasing her grip only by the littlest bit. "That I wouldn't figure out you were spying on me? You thought you could just march back in here after all this time and expect me to believe nothing's changed."

"I'm not... spying...", I managed to press out before she tightened her hand again.

"Yeah, right", she laughed bitterly. "And what about your notoriously rebellious friends? You mean to tell me they have no intention of getting knowledge out of you?"

I made a few choked noises in response, which finally caused her to move her hand away from my throat, holding me down by the base of my neck instead.

"I'm not spying on you", I repeated, panting for air. Her eyes narrowed. "I promise. All my friends have asked me to do is continue to 'advise' you, as they think I have before... and occasionally suggest some of their ideas to you." I hated the feeling of selling them out like this, hated it so much, but what else was I supposed to do? This was Amarantha, after all. There was no tricking her.

Her features softened slightly. "Well, you've never been a liar, I'll give you that. I'll believe you for now." She at last removed her hand from my neck and lay down next to me, propping her head up on her hand. "Your friends... Are they more important to you than me, then?"

I took her face into my hands. "I'm allowed to like other people, Amarantha", I said incredulously. "I'm loyal to you, you know I am, but that doesn't mean I can't spend time with others." I shook my head. "This has never been a problem before. What are you scared of?"

"I haven't seen you in eight months. You're always so different when you return, colder somehow, as if your love for me has faded. It gets worse the longer you're gone. I wasn't sure if I could trust you after this. Your brother despises me, that is no secret. He's not as good at hiding it as he thinks. If he tainted you with his conspiracies while you were vulnerable to manipulation..."

She had no idea how right she was. But already, I felt her spell on me returning, felt myself become enthralled again, and gone were any thoughts of rebellion. "I promise you, I am yours, my love. My friends don't know you the way I do. If they did, they wouldn't resent you like that."

She nodded. "Turn around", she suddenly instructed. I did, after giving her a curious look, and she sat down on top of me, ripping open my shirt to reveal my back.

"What are you-", I asked, but was cut short when she pressed down on my back with both hands, searching for a specific spot on either side. When she found it, she pushed hard at it from a certain angle, making the big, bat-like wings shoot out of my back.

"Seriously, what are you doing?", I repeated with a chuckle, turning my head to look at her over my shoulder.

She leaned in to whisper in my ear while stroking my bare back, "Well, you know what they say about Illyrian wings. They're so..."

I gasped when she ran a finger along the inside of the innermost wingbone. "...sensitive. So much fun we can have with these. I studied while you were gone." She traced the leathery skin again, making me shudder.

"Let's see what else we can do with them." I heard her pick up something from the dresser beside the bed, but I could not see what it was.

Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my other wing, made almost blinding by the sensitive nature of the limbs.

One moment, I was screaming into the pillow beneath me, the next, I had thrown Amarantha off my back, wings flaring wide, and grabbed her wrist, causing her to drop the knife she had been holding.

My violet eyes were like raging stormclouds as I stared her down. "Never, I repeat, never do that again, Amarantha."

Was that actual fear glittering in her eyes? Either way, she nodded quickly, and I held her gaze for a moment longer before letting go of her arm.

"I'm all for rough play and some pain when it comes to sex", I elaborated, "but do not, under any circumstances, apply that to my wings, you hear me?"

"I'm sorry", she said, and it sounded like she meant it.

"It's okay", I replied more mildly, calming down again already, "you didn't know. Now you do."

She was quiet for a moment. "So, does that mean I get to use the knife in other places?", she drawled finally. "I do so love seeing blood on a body wet with arousal."

I knelt in front of her on the bed to pull her in by the waist, raising an eyebrow. "I never said anything about other places, did I?"

Grinning, she pushed away the remnants of my shirt, drawing the blade up my stomach slowly to leave a small line of red in its wake. The perfect crimson to match her looks.

"I know something you will like", she said after licking away the blood, making my back arch.
Holding me tightly to her body, her mouth connected with the inside of my wing, right beneath the muscled arch that connected directly to my back. She began kissing and sucking on the spot, her tongue playing with the skin she encapsulated with her lips.

Nothing had ever felt so good before. I was moaning and whimpering within seconds, melting into her arms as she sucked all strength out of me.

"Does that feel good?", she asked against my skin, her hot breath tickling it. I nodded weakly.

"Keep going", I breathed.

She complied, adding to the pleasure by pulling down my pants and pressing her fingers into me.

Even though she had barely started, I could not contain myself anymore. My back arching, I came undone all over her, wings flapping uselessly behind me while she quickly pulled back her face to not be hit.

...

"Good to know you're still the same", she said with a wolfish grin when we were finished.

"Freedom has surprisingly little value when you've got no one to enjoy it with", I replied, running my hand over her bare chest and erect nipples.

"Freedom? Do you feel trapped with me?" She said it in a playfully offended tone, but I could sense the genuine hurt underneath.

I chose my words carefully. "Not with you. But this place... Amarantha, I was made to fly beneath the stars, not to be stuck in a mountain cave. Your court is simply not the best habitat for me. But it has nothing to do with you", I assured her.

But she was not particularly soothed by my explanation. "So you want to leave?", she asked quietly.

I did not have to consider for long. "No", I said. "Not for good, anyways. But I always appreciate it when you let me out to run your errands. If I could just use my wings whenever I want... you don't have to worry about me not returning, you know that. I couldn't even if I wanted to."

Ouch. Those had definitely been the wrong words. Amarantha sat up with a jerk. "So it's a duty to you? Loving me? You don't want to, you feel forced?"

"I didn't say that", I snapped back, angry at her temper. "I only meant that no matter how much our opinions might differ sometimes, there is no other way for us but to be together. Love like ours, it can be a curse. Lucky for us both, it has not come to that yet, but it's not just one of us that has to work on keeping it that way."

I held my breath as soon as the words left my mouth. Speaking to her this way could ignite one of two reactions: submission or devastating rage. Today seemed to be my lucky day, though: Amarantha was actually impressed and settled back down, stroking my hair.

"I suppose it is so", she murmured.

"We'll make it work", I added, taking her hand, "I have no doubt we will."

"Let's start now", she said and kissed me before getting up to put her dress back on. "We have a lot of work to do."

"We?"

She turned to me. "Did I fucking stutter?"

×

Dawn had nearly arrived when I returned to my chambers - not that we could see it Under The Mountain. I had spent all night providing the High Queen of Prythian a second opinion on her plans.

My conflicted feelings returned, though, when I heard Rhys and my friends approaching my room. Amarantha had trusted me with knowledge of upmost confidentiality, despite knowing of my engagement with Fae who opposed her. Obviously, I could not tell them what we had discussed, it would be a betrayal to my very soul, but to keep the information from them... It was just like she had said: whenever I was away for a longer period of time, it became easier to ignore the feelings I harbored for her, to side with Rhys and the others without exceptions. But as soon as I returned... It was my eternal damnation, this impossible choice between my lover and my family. Why was my happiness, my base peace, accursed to never last? Did I have to give up one part of my life to retain the other?

"Nocta", Rhys noted, sounding relieved to see me. "Back at last? I hope you made your conviction worthwhile if it took you that long."

I swallowed. What should I tell him? "I don't know yet", I said, deciding on the least specific reply I could manage without lying. "We'll see."

Kryos cleared his throat. "May I ask now how exactly you attempted to garner control over her?"

"You may", I replied more coolly than I had intended, "but I fear you would not like the answer."

"Cauldron, Nocta, what did you do that you cannot bear to tell us?", Taliss asked, frowning. "This isn't like you."

"It's complicated", I said quietly while Rhys looked at me with slightly glazed eyes. I knew that look all too well.

No point, brother, I said from outside the adamant walls in my mind. You can't break through a power so like your own.

I only worry about you, he replied, sounding slightly offended. I don't want you getting hurt.

I won't. Trust me. Seeing that he wasn't convinced, I added, I'll tell you when I'm ready.

He retreated from my mind with a nod.

"So", Kryos probed, "what do you expect to happen as a result of your mysterious endeavor?"

"I hope she'll take some of my suggestions", I said - not entirely a lie. "Then... we'll see, wait for a moment that will give us the leverage to strike." That part, though...

Kryos and Rhys grunted their approval, while Taliss looked rather scared.

"What is it?", I asked her, secretly hoping for her to say something that would rule out any move against Amarantha on our part. "Got doubts?"

"I just... if anything goes wrong, if we fail, if we waste our shot... I'm not sure our fate in that case would be preferable to what we're enduring now."

"True", I quickly said, "we will have to be very, very careful in planning our plot. It might take a while."

Kryos still regarded me warily. "No offense, but this place has taught me to be careful who to trust. And you seem eerily inclined to hold back. Is there something you're not telling us?"

I forced down the lump building in my throat and opted for the offense. "What, so you'd rather go straight for the attack even if it was hopeless? Feel free to throw away your own life, but I will not risk mine, nor that of my friends and family by jumping to premature actions." Honestly, I felt quite proud of the spontaneous excuse.

"You're right", Kryos apologized, backing down. "I'm sorry for being so hostile."

"No, I understand", I said, all the while feeling terrible for how I was deceiving my friends, "what's happening to us is taking a toll on all our nerves. I think we're all a little on edge, rightfully so. You can't be too careful with people down here." An unheard admittance to my own guilt, my own betrayal.

Steps sounded from the hallway, and I wasn't the only one who recognized the rhythmic clacking of the heels. Only my reaction to them was different from that of the others.

The moment Amarantha stepped through the door and locked eyes with me - those beautiful, black eyes that seemed to devour me, body and soul, with each blink - a sudden existential despair seized me, and I decided on an impulse to play with open cards from now on. My respite had given me time to think and find a new perspective, and I knew that I should be able to trust my friends with something so important to me. To now see these two opposite sides of my life so close together in the same room, the tension thick enough to cut with a knife, it was the last straw. I could not uphold this torturous strain on my feelings a second longer. I could not continue pretending.

So while my companions bowed and cringed under Amarantha's gaze, I remained standing, smiling at her slightly. Surprise flashed on her face for a moment, first at finding my friends here, then at my open display of familiarity, but she said what she came to say anyway.

Walking up to me, seemingly ignoring the three Fae at my back, she said in a hushed voice, so the others could only hear if they were listening very, very intently, which I had no doubt they were, "I wanted to apologize again, for last night. About your wing... That was wrong of me. I crossed a line there, and I don't want to do that again. Not with you."

"It's okay", I replied with equal quiet. "We'll make it work, remember? Cuts heal. Relationships don't, sometimes, so let's not fight about it. It's in the past, we can forget about it now and make sure we do better in the future. You saw how well we did last night, after... you know."

She nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Nocta. I promise I will try to keep myself in check. But when I don't... will you be honest with me and tell me when I lose myself?"

I nodded as well, taking her hand in mine. "Always." This was the part of her that no one but me ever saw. Beneath all the cruelty, all the ruthlessness... She was just a woman struggling to hold on to her sanity after all the hurt she had experienced, trying to be herself again. But she couldn't really do it on her own. And if I could be the one person to help her, I'd be damned if I didn't, even if it would occupy the rest of my existence. None of it excused the horrors she had committed, but... it explained them. And sadly, no one ever bothered to look for that explanation. Vicious madness perhaps appeared simpler than to dig deep for the sad truth.

Amarantha left, and the door had barely fallen shut behind her when Rhysand grabbed my wrist and spun me around.

"What on earth was that about?", he asked, scanning my face as if to see if she'd somehow hurt me during our talk.

"I think I have an idea of what she did last night. You little whore", Kryos growled, struggling to contain his anger. I could not blame him, nor did I have the strength to oppose him. 

I lowered my eyes to the ground, unable to meet Rhys' right now.

"I suppose I have some explaining to do", I said as the same time as Rhys snarled at Kryos not to insult me. They all looked to me, waiting.

"As Kryos seems to have already figured out, my 'influence' on Amarantha is of a special kind - as is hers on me." Taliss sucked in a sharp breath at that. Amarantha having additional power over me in return wasn't something that had been part of my offer.

"My mind feels the same as yours: I know that she is terrible, that what she has inflicted on Prythian is beyond forgiving. My heart, though... I did not merely take her to bed." I looked at Kryos knowingly. "Amarantha..." I inhaled deeply as words threatened to fail me. "She's my mate."

There. It was out. Now it was for them to decide how they would react to it, what they would do with me. But I had finally unleashed the bitter, hard truth that could destroy me, destroy us both, so it wouldn't wreck me from the inside first.

Rhys was the first to speak. "Your- Now things are beginning to make a lot of sense."

"Why you get to go out so often", Taliss elaborated.

"Why we sometimes can't find you in your room at night", Kryos said.

"Why you have been hiding your thoughts from me since we arrived", Rhys concluded. "I thought you were just hurting, same as us, but no, you were... You were in love, and made sure none of us would know. Because you were scared we wouldn't understand, isn't that it?"

I only nodded. I was still scared. Especially now, with my friends all looking at me, still making up their judgment of the situation.

Since neither of the other two seemed inclined to speak, Rhys continued, "I do understand. To us, the idea of Amarantha truly is horrible and vile, but I know what a mating bond feels like, and I respect that you feel this way. It's our nature, and I am sure the Cauldron selected you two for a reason - if only so you can teach her kindness."

"She doesn't need to be taught", I said quietly. "You all know what happened, she wasn't always like this. What she needs is support, someone to remind her of the life she led before what happened to her sister, and to lead her back to that path. Beneath all that pain, she isn't... she isn't bad. She isn't evil, or cold-hearted, or malicious, she is grieving, angry. Five hundred years weren't enough to overcome that. Rather than emotionless, she was too emotional, she loved her little sister so much, just like you love me, and she can still love that way. It's only rage and hurt that make her so cruel. She herself is not the problem, and that is why it will be possible for her to work through it. With help."

"I believe you", Taliss said after a short silence. "A mating bond is the most sincere way to know a person. If you say that this is who Amarantha truly is, then... I have no choice but to agree with you."

"As do I", Kryos added. "You can rest assured that I will not harm your mate - so long as she does not attempt to hurt me or those I care about."

I bowed my head to him in thanks.

"Were you planning on making it official at some point?", Rhys asked suddenly.

I had not thought about that... ever. Had never considered that one day, we might be able to share our secret, to openly declare ourselves mates. It had always felt so scandalous, like something that needed to be hidden. But the image that was forming in my head... I wanted that, I realized. I wanted to be her mate for all the world to see.

"Maybe", I said. "Hopefully." I would ask Amarantha tonight.

Rhysand smiled and hugged me. "Well, I think congratulations are in order, little sister. Here's to our future - may it be happier than our past."

×

A few days later, I was standing before Amarantha's dais, waiting, just as she was, for the crowd to settle down. My heart was pounding as I anticipated the start of her speech.

"Silence", she finally bellowed, then smiled. "I know you all want to begin with the revel already, but I have something very important to announce tonight. As old as I am, I have spent the majority of my life without a lover - shocking, I know." She smirked. "I had not found the right person... until two years ago, when this court opened for good." There was an uncomfortable silence among the Prythian Fae at the mention of her court - what a court it was.

"So now, with the utmost honor, I present to you the newly appointed consort of the High Queen: Nocta, sister to the High Lord of the Night Court, Illyrian hybrid with the ability to fly, skilled warrior, even more skilled lover-", scattered laughter was audible as she winked, "- and my mate." The words hung heavy, though not mirthless, in the air. The pride in Amarantha's voice made my stomach flutter.

I slowly walked out of the muttering and gasping crowd and up the stairs to take her outstretched hand. She pulled me onto her lap to face her, now cheering, people.

"Welcome to royalty", she said only to me.

"And to the prospect of redemption", I replied and kissed her.