It's such a painful thing when you ship two characters in a show but they'll probably never end up together because every fucking show seems to be homophobic or just stupid for whatever reason but only when it comes to the characters with the BEST chemistry . . . It makes my heart hurt

*******

"I thought I told you to leave those at home?" I ask, narrowing my eyes.

She smiles sheepishly. "Sorry I just got so excited," she says.

I sigh a little. "Does that mean you like them?"

"I love them. Thank you," she grins.

My gaze flicks down to the short swords in her hands. The blades are black with light gold engravings. The hilts are gleaming silver with a dragon head pommel.

"There are runes in the blades and when I think you're ready, I'll teach you how to enchant them," I tell her.

Her eyes go wide and she stares at the swords. "Woah, seriously?"

I nod. "Yes. And please understand that you may not practice with those unless you are with me. Especially not here."

"Why not here? I thought werewolves were better with weapons than dragons?"

"No not really. They don't really like using weapons, they prefer to fight in wolf form," I explain with a small sigh.

"Oh okay. When can we practice?" She asks eagerly.

"Not today. Perhaps tomorrow. Angel and Zella are the top warriors in this pack so I will see if either would like to take a break and join us," I sigh.

"Thank you," she says.

I throw her a smile before heading out of her room. I pause in the doorway when I remember something. "Go find Ash and Jaxon and see if they need anything," I tell her.

"Of course Queen Zari."

I close the door with a small frown. I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing that.

I will never grow tired of it.

I chuckle a little. Of course you won't.

I walk across the hall and into my room. The bed is small and there isn't even a bathroom inside but it made me sigh in relief.

This is not a room fit for a queen, Mitalonys comments with an annoyed growl.

Would you prefer we go home? Because I don't think I'll make it through the night if I have to step foot in that house.

He doesn't say anything for a few minutes, then he lets out a sigh. I still believe a new, bonded mate would ease the pain of his death.

I clench my jaw. Haven't we had this discussion?

Yes but I have given you time and it does not appear to be helping. It is time for you to accept it and look forward; a bonded mate will make that easier, he says.

You can keep reminding me of my impending death all you want but I'm not going to find a new mate no matter what you say so you might as well give up, I tell him.

But you will die! he growls.

Well then I'll be with Daerius and Maia again, I snap.

His anger disappears. Please do not do this to me, he whimpers and I feel my heart stop.

Not once in my entire life, has my dragon ever begged.

******

"I was starting to think you wouldn't come."

He scratches the back of his head with a nervous laugh. "Honestly, I almost didn't," he admits

I pull him in for a tight hug. "I know this is difficult, but Zella and Angel haven't seen you in more than a year. They've each asked about you more than once since we arrived yesterday," I tell him.

He pulls away with a smile. "Really?"

"Yeah, so let's go tell them you're here."

I wave away the guards and they return to their posts by the border. Kaine follows me through the forest towards the hospital.

I grimace as the cold starts to seep into my bones and hug my cloak to my body. There isn't any snow falling today but the wind is far worse.

I quickly step inside the warmth of the hospital with a sigh of relief. Kaine is just behind me, shaking from the cold.

"Shouldn't it be getting warmer now?" He asks.

"Well if Tikana is right then we'll have several more months of winter," I mutter.

"Who's Tikana?"

"The mystic," I say but it only seems to confuse him more. "The old witch in the woods."

"Oh right," he murmurs with a thoughtful nod.

I roll my eyes a little and make my way through the hospital. People bow in respect as I pass and I give them a small smile in return.

When I walk into Zella's room I am met with shouting. Inside Zella and Angel are arguing while Jaxon watches with an amused grin.

"You guys better be fighting over baby names," I remark as I open the door for my son.

They turn to me and Zella leaps up from the bed when she spots Kaine. She throws her arms around his neck and he hugs her gently.

"Goddess you've gotten tall," she laughs as she steps back.

Angel hugs him and I notice he hugs her a lot tighter than he hugged Zella. "We missed you," she says quietly and he just smiles, resting his chin on her shoulder.

"So what were you two arguing about?" I ask Zella.

"Angel is being a pain in the ass and she won't let me name the boy Andrew."

I make a face. "That's such a boring name though."

"Thank you!" Angel huffs.

"What do you want to name him?" I ask.

She shrugs. "No idea. I just don't want Andrew—or Josh," she growls, throwing a glare at Zella who purses her lips in annoyance.

"Why not?"

"Because we've got one girl named Ruelle and another named Seraphine so it would be really weird if the boy had a super boring name," Angel says.

"Seraphine?" I echo.

"Yeah I always loved that name," Zella grins.

"It's beautiful," I tell them with a smile.

"So how are you going to figure out the boy's name?" Kaine asks.

They both sigh and Zella plops down on the bed. "No idea," she mumbles.

"I wanted to give him a dragon name, you guys always seem to have really unique names," Angel mutters.

"Ruelle is a dragon's name so it would fit if the boy had a dragon name too," I comment.

"Great, do you have any suggestions?" Zella asks.

My mind blanks. "Shit," I murmur.

"Blaise."

I look over at Jaxon. "Blaise?" I ask with a frown.

He nods. "Yeah he was my friend when I was younger," he says.

"You mean Kaia's son? The one that left with her when she was exiled?" Kaine asks.

Jaxon nods again. My eyes widen a little as I remember the boy he is talking about. "Your friend?" I ask, pointedly raising my eyebrow.

He scowls at me. "Okay fine secret boyfriend whatever!" he hisses in annoyance.

"Dude there was nothing secret about it," Kaine laughs.

"What are you talking about? I was great at hiding!"

I roll my eyes. "Jax I saw you two leaving the trainees' quarters together and when I asked you about the marks all over both of your necks you told me they were bruises from sparring," I recall with a small chuckle.

"I still think that's a decent cover story," he mutters.

"Jaxon there is no such thing as a decent cover story for a hickey," Kaine sighs.

"You would know," Angel snorts.

I turn to her with a low growl. Her eyes go wide and she hides behind Zella who just rolls her eyes. "Okay now that you're done reminiscing, we both think Blaise is perfect, thank you Jaxon," she says, moving to give him a hug.

"My pleasure." He stands up with a sharp wince, making a face as he shoves the crutches under his arms.

"What happened to you?" Kaine asks. I smile a little at the concern in his voice.

"Long story short, I went full blackout and then didn't wake up right away."

"Impressive."

"Yeah so I will be right back," he mutters, moving towards the door.

"Wait where are you going?" I ask.

"I am going to go find my mate," he sighs heavily before leaving.

I turn to Angel and Zella with a questioning glance.

"Ash and Fara left almost an hour ago to get everyone food from the café downstairs," Angel explains.

"Oh gods. Those two are just a recipe for trouble," I growl, running a hand through my hair.

"What how? They're harmless!" Zella says and I snort.

"Believe me they're really not," I mutter as I leave the room. I'm heading down the stairs when I hear my son call for me.

I stop and turn as Kaine jogs over to me. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"I really need to talk to you."

"About what?"

He clenches his jaw and stares down at the floor.

I put my hand on the side of his face, anxiety clawing at my stomach. "Sweetie you can talk to me about anything, you know that," I say.

His eyes are full of pain when he finally looks at me. "It's about Syrra."

My stomach flips. "Okay this is something we are going to sit down and talk about, but first I need to find your brother and his mate and Fara and find out what the hell they're doing in the café—it's been closed for at least two hours now. When I come back we are going to talk about this, you understand me?"

He nods. "Thanks mom."

I give him a quick kiss on the cheek and hurry to the café. I gape at the scene that greets me.

The café is empty aside from the three dragons behind the counter. The tables and chairs are stacked up in what looks like a fort and there are burn marks covering one of the walls. And then there's the mess in the kitchen.

"What the fuck is going on in here?" I growl.

Three blank faces stare at me. "I had nothing to do with this!" Jaxon says quickly, raising his hands up in surrender.

I turn my attention to the other two. "Care to explain?"

"They were closed so we snuck into the kitchen and tried to make food but turns out neither of us can cook," Fara says quietly.

"And the table fort?"

"We were playing a game while the food was cooking," Ash mutters sheepishly.

"And the burns?"

Fara's eyes go wide and she points at Ash. "That was all him!"

"It was not! You threw the first one!" he growls.

I pinch the bridge of my nose with a heavy sigh. "Please tell me you guys weren't throwing fireballs?"

"Uh . . ."

"You've literally been here for two days," I mutter.

"In my defense it's really fucking boring around here," Fara says and I purse my lips.

"All three of you go upstairs right now," I growl.

"What about the food?"

I sigh. "I'll take care of it."

******

My eyes flit back and forth between the bottle of liquor in my hand and the tea kettle on the stove. "Damn it," I hiss under my breath, roughly setting the bottle down. I grab a mug from the cabinet and fill it with tea before walking back into the living room.

"Goodnight mom," Jax says as he limps out of the room, his crutches discarded a few hours ago.

"Goodnight!" Ash and Fara call as she wheels him down the hall.

"Goodnight you guys," I reply.

I see Kaine start to leave as well and call his name. "I told you we were going to talk about this and I meant it," I growl lightly. "Sit."

He smiles a little as he plops back down on the couch, just across from the armchair I sit in.

"What's going on?" I ask gently.

He swallows hard, fiddling with his hands. "Remember the spell Syrra did? Where she took Peter's soul?"

Oh no. "Yeah," I mutter.

"I'm not ready."

Gods please don't be what I think it is. "Not ready for what?" I ask.

"A child," he murmurs. "And I don't think I'll ever be ready."

"She's not pregnant now is she—"

"No no! Definitely not," he assures me.

"Definitely not?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

He nods. "She mentioned that it was a really powerful spell and I didn't want to take any chances so we've been very careful. With every day that passes though, it just gets more real and I don't know what to do," he says quietly.

Thank the gods. "Did you talk to Syrra about this?"

He shakes his head. "I'm scared to tell her. After everything she went through to make it possible, it's just not fair," he mutters.

I sigh. "To be honest, I was kinda waiting for this to happen. I was only pleading to the gods that you didn't discover you weren't ready when it was already too late," I explain.

"I just don't know what to do."

I set down my mug and move in front of him, sitting down on the table. "You need to talk to Syrra," I tell him.

He looks at me with worry in his eyes. "Do you think she'll understand?"

My lip twitches a little. "Sweetie when I first met your mate, she was 15 years old and the most confident, adventurous young woman I had ever seen. I would even say more adventurous than you," I told him with a hinting chuckle.

He stares at me. "What? No way. She told me she'd never been in a relationship before."

"Okay now I know you're not that naïve," I mutter.

"Oh, right," he mumbles with a small frown. "So you think she'll understand then?"

I nod. "I think she probably feels the same way and doesn't know how to tell you. I mean she did do the spell for you," I remind him.

"Actually she did it for you."

"Either way, you two need to talk about this," I sigh.

He nods, leaning back into the couch. "I'm sorry," he suddenly says.

"For what?"

"I know you wanted a grandchild and—"

I shush him quickly. "Kaine all I want is for you to be happy. It doesn't matter to me if I have grandchildren," I tell him and tears spill onto my cheeks. "I just don't want to outlive any more of my children."

******

Happy New Year!!!! Let's hope 2019 turns out better than 2018!