It was not so long since I voluntarily burnt my father's dead body that I inhaled an ignited cigarette in one corner of my old house which used to be my playing arena in "those were the days" period. It was probably after six months that I let my lungs engulf the burnt smoke of a cigarette. I wasn't a regular smoker even before, but then I restrained myself because I was going to be one soon. Someone randomly unknowingly taught me that cigarette helps in relaxing your tensed muscles of inner body and then you automatically calm down, so that was it... I took its help to calm my anxious nerves down and some time later, it started to become a habit and I knew that the next level was going to be the one where my nerves will freak out if I won't smoke and I have always had enough toxicity in life already to add on to another one.
I was sitting in this corner to hide from mausi ma because she, like  an average nice woman, freaks out watching me smoke.

Thinking about the ritual I just performed, and the later ones I was to perform further made me realize the actual importance of a body. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They say it's all made up of dust and will end up in dust then what's the point of creating and dealing so damn much in between when at the end of the day all you will be is ash of bones settling at the end of a water body. Nothing more or less. How can a person which is the whole universe which holds immense power in its existence, end just like that....like nothing ever existed before. I had by now cremated both my parents one by one and I can now say, by experience of course, that it hurts. It hurts to put them in fire and see them vanishing from the world. It hurts so much that it stops hurting altogether. My mother died when I was very young, barely 6, and at that moment I had no idea why we were doing what we were doing and what was supposed to happen after that. I just knew one fact, what everybody had told me, that my mom "was called up to heaven by God to help him out and look out for me from the sky" and that she is always watching me but I barely believed it even before. No mother would barely watch her son bawl his throat out at night in a lonely room because he feels haunted of himself and then pretend to be perfectly fine by the morning. No mother would do that. She wasn't watching me at all. Her virtue vanished away the moment he(the God) clicked that off button. Body burnt, memory erased, RAM cleaned, processor restored for another machine. Nothing about me or about her remained in her after that.

That's what must have happened with my father too. Although I'm glad it did and he no more remembered us. Only if I could do the same. Format myself all over again and again until this machine called body stop working. What a painless life would it be, to have no life at all. 

"Nikumbh come here you need to bath and sit for the pooja" Khan uncle called and I immediately crushed the half burnt cigarette on the wall leaving a slightly circle burnt mark on the wall. The ashes fell on the ground and I crushed the rest of it by my feet and threw it away. Exactly what we did with a human body just now.

Days passed by with many relatives visiting and telling me something or the other to console me. Although they were all restricted by my mausa ji and Mausima to utter any word to me regarding it but you cannot shut everyone's mouth, can you? Someway or the other they made their point. Most of the them asked me how did that happen and I had no answer, some of them asked if I was able to meet him when he was alive? I had no answer. Some of them offered to take no tension and if feel the need of anything I must contact them and they will be here, so I replied "get me my mother back!". And that's was it. Nobody came after that to talk to me. I kept working on my assignment.

The 13th day was the shradhh day when you have to do this really long puja along with Hawan and then put the ashes of the respectively dead into a river. My head was shaved now and I was feeling really embarrassed about it, but more difficult than that was me catching cold every now and then because of it. Winters in Delhi, although nothing compared to other states, is pretty much nail biting and then I had my head shaved and wrapped in a lionclothe(dhoti) which is a super thin  cloth just randomly wrapped around your legs. So all I was doing was shivering during the whole Puja with my teeth clattering on their own in between. They even asked for stuffs, basic essentials like clothes, toiletries, food, bed, etc., to donate to other priests so that it reaches to the respectively dead. I got off the hall and took out a piece of curved clay which was a broken piece of a mannequin, it was stained with blood in its half. I went to the priest and asked them to keep it in the essentials too since it was something that belonged to my father only and he must carry it off with himself now. I had kept it with me for years but it was finally the time to let it go. They were confused and my Mausima started crying when she saw that piece. Khan uncle came and gently rubbed my shaved scalp which made me feel weird and I looked over him with disgust, he moved away. The main priest was confused but my Mausaji gave him a slight nod in positive and they took it saying that they will put it into a river. I demanded nothing more.

The puja ended after hours, my legs were next to paralyzed. The blood that suddenly reached all my legs and fingers made the electrical sensation in me that I kept hopping for 3 minutes around the hall. They put a big framed picture of my dad on the wall, beside my mother which infuriated me even more.

"This man doesn't deserve to be around here, even after death" I yelled roughly at khan uncle who was putting up the frame on the wall. Everyone stood in their place and started staring at me when I was breathing heavily and glaring at him deadly. Mausima ran towards me and took me inside whisper chanting "it's okay" to me. Khan uncle took out the frame and hung it on another wall of the hall. Farther than mom. I kept breathing heavily inside the room where people gathered around me and we're watching me like they watch "tamasha" on street. Mausima kept rubbing my back and making me drink water to calm myself down and all I could think about that moment was... cigarette.

The next few days were goodbye days for everyone left eventually, and I packed my bags too to leave the house back again and go to my apartment. The amazing part about this house was even after all these years...things were exactly same as they were 20 years back. Just the same but somewhat the dirtier and dustier  versions of themselves. My room, Shaktiman printed wall, my small desk, my notebooks and everything was there like they were that day, just covered in long black sheets to keep them off dust.  Those sheet didn't cover a thing for me though because I could see exactly what was placed and where. Where I had hit myself, where she would pick me up crying, where we would learn more and more about art and crafting...a lot of things. I had all the memories safe in my head, probably because I never let them fade away from me. I understood the fact that all I'm left with is  memories now, and  it is what made me stick to them and never loose them, even though they were created in a small age. There's a power you hold to somehow control your mind, you give it directions even a slightest one and then it will start running therefore. You conceive trauma and that is a direction for the mind to run that way only and then you cannot undo it, you cannot drag your brain back to the initial place and start again with another road. It doesn't happen.

I closed the door and locked it back, even the lock was getting rusty by now. The neighborhood, the vibe, everything had changed in all these years. I had never visited this house once after I left it 20 years ago, just like today on the 17th day after my mother's death. Two wickets down to three, now there's one left and that will go down soon too, I thought and scoffed to myself.

I then went straight to Joshua with my bag pack  and the man came rushing to me to hug me again. He was there in the Shradhh too but he left early without meeting me completely because of the café. I was anyways too busy to meet him properly that day. I somehow managed to get out of his grip but he took over my nape and literally making me somehow bend my back to match his level, walked towards the counter like a pro-bro besties pair. I met the other staff members and they all shook hands with me and some of them even patted my back but Shreya, another of my colleague, literally threw herself at me and everyone was like "owhh! Shreya was very upset and tensed for you Nik". I rolled my eyes and tried to get her off my torso but she was like some kind of magnet to me, clung with tight paws. I was about to go mad only when josh actually made her kind of conscious and embarrassed to hug like that. She wasn't innocent let me tell you, she was just madly behind me. I mean, I don't know why would she do that, I had clearly made her understand that I hate her and still she was living in her own fairytale with all her determination to keep liking me and I was getting really pissed about that. 

It was unacceptable for me to have such feelings or emotions, neither inside me nor in someone else for me. Just unacceptably worthless. Before I could tell her anything, the bell rang. We have bells on customer's tables to call us out, so the bell rang and we immediately ran to see who called for us. Table no. 17. The man said "our order?? Its been 15 minutes!" I politely apologized and came back in to take their order and get myself as busy as possible to not bounce with shreya again. They had ordered a cappuccino and a lemonade with Jaljeera. I stopped for a moment and looked at Josh, Jaljeera?? We didn't have that in our menu, just plain lemonade.

He kind of smiled and came near me to whisper that "this girl came in and she said she loves lemonade with Jaljeera and she even gave us the small sachet of it so I couldn't refuse mixing it." I rolled my eyes again, what a day with weirdos. Who drink Jaljeera at a café? I took the tray and taking a deep breath to appear  plausible and unbothered, went to their table. Placing my table I gently smiled and said "here's your order sir, mam" I felt like I was unnecessarily giving them five star hotel hospitality on a dhaba style order.

"Oh there it is" the girl kind of shrieked and came hurriedly forward and took a sip even before I left, that's when my eyes fell on her and it was her. Again! I was just making myself sure when she turned to me suddenly and shutting her eyes tightly said "it's perfect" and then opened them again with a big fat smile. She looked adorable, no second thoughts on that. There was sheer happiness in her eyes. But it was for a fraction of seconds only when she recognised me and her face kind of turned into a really jolly one to that same curious self again. I quickly flashed a faint smile and said "your welcome", turned away and walked to the counter. Meeting her every time since that day was kind of getting on my nerves but of course I couldn't just simply ask her about it. It was my problem anyway, to find her different and problematic for myself. I then got busy in my work and started serving customers when Josh came to me and said "you haven't written anything on our dashboard since so long. Go on, I miss your quotes and little drawings." And he handed me the colored chalk.
We had a little dash board on the display of our café, very typical and classic of Joshua's designing but anyways, so all of us did write something or the  other everyday and decorated it on our own way. And behind that board we had a big wall filled with post-its by customers. There were memories, pictures, compliments and what not which made it a lot of more fun since we used to read them almost every weak. I went to the board and first had a look on the post-its but there was nothing very new as such so I came back to the board and thought of a quote to write. I thought for a moment to remember all those quotes from my personal collection and this one really struck me.

"I shall soon be laid in the quiet grave - thank god for the quiet grave"
                          ~John Keats

I have increased a weird kind of obsession with artists who died young. They all had that hint of death residing in them that soon was to resurface physically and not stay internally only. It fascinated me so much that I wanted to learn that art of knowing the slightest hint of death living inside me and recognize it fully. I did it for years and it did outgrow so much that I could see it moving inside my belly and reaching my heart gripping it tightly giving me excruciating pain and then suddenly leave to prepare me for it. The part of death which lives as a fear in everybody else was living like freedom in me and I wanted it as badly as air.

I wrote the quote in my calligraphic writing which was kind of difficult to do with the chalk but I managed and then I made a little heart groped by a hand tightly that it was struggling to come out from the little gaps of the knuckles and the walls of the heart was having crevices but no blood dripping anywhere. It was the actual representation of how I nurtured death inside me and how it works inside me. What it does and how it feels.

When I turned to leave I saw that same girl and the boy with him coming to the entrance/exit and their eyes fell on the dashboard. I had the idea that she wouldn't hesitate asking me questions about the drawing or the quote so I whisked off from there but then Joshua yelled from the counter "hey you can write your feedback in the post-it and post it there hehe" for which I cussed him internally. I knew she would write some kind of weird question there, given the curious look in her eyes she surfaces whenever we meet.

The day passed by with me normalizing them to not think that I'm depressed or broken because of my father's death and them picking off my cap to see me bald. It was irritating around these people but for the time being I had to survive somehow. I was already considered as one rude brat by almost everyone but it was Joshua's determined love towards the three legged puppy that kept me here. I had been working here since past 3 years. Before that, I did some short term internships in architect firms and obviously hated working on something I had never liked but then again, there was nothing per se that I liked so it was all okay for me.

The evening came by pretty soon and we closed the café, everyone had already left but I stayed up to join Josh in cleaning and clearing stuffs, to be honest, I was there for some drinks. Josh is the man of royal taste, he even bought preserved wine, exactly like they do in Hollywood movies which kind of freaks me to imagine all the money he has but the man is always so humble and grounded. We cleared the café and then he came up with his special wine collection. The only problem with Josh is, his low alcohol intolerance. Poor guy can't drink, is wasted in three glasses. That's what happened again, he was drunk-calling Noori and started discussing the last sex they had, I had to leave the table and roam around with my glass. That's when my eyes fell on the dashboard and I saw something unusual. There was a post-it posted on the corner of dashboard only, not on the wall. I went closer and took it out to read. It read-

"When one is already on the edge of his grave, why not resist?
              ~Alexandr solzhenitsyn

And that was it. I had no idea who wrote that but I think I knew. It was so weird to read that. Why would Mr.Alexandr want someone to resist if one is already on the edge of the grave? Isn't it better to just fall inside and let the soil cover you? Why resist? And for what?
Death started moving inside me again, I could feel it right in the pit of my stomach. Building, building and there...moving up and up and slowly gripping my heart and owh! Tightening! Tightening! Tightening...till I shrieked in pain and crumbled on the ground with that post it in my hand. Too much visionary isn't it? It was real. I had made it real. I hated all the fantasy and imagination so I made it real.

I yelped a cry and my whole face was wet by now with the post-it getting damped in bonus. My hands on the ground to hold me firmly and my head lowering down, growling in pain, and then raising up to grab some air. Joshua came running towards me but in a very faltering manner that I thought he would direct fall upon me as I was already crouched on the ground like a Japanese bow of curtsy. He somehow managed to reach me without falling on me and then patted on my back and babbled things like "don't worry. I'm your big brother. I'll be your father. We are family" and what not. He was humble and pure enough to say all that but it wasn't going to help. It wasn't the pain of loosing my father, it was the pain of making me go through all this since I was young and it's going on and never ending. It was the pain of not feeling justified and wanted in this world which had turned into death. It was the pain death was giving me to make me remember how much I must go through until I get my freedom.

I must have cried for like an hour and then dozed off there only. Around the dawn my slumber broke as we both were practically freezing to death sleeping in the middle of the café  in between chairs and tables. I found myself entangled in josh weirdly, must have done that out of cold. He was shivering himself. I woke him up carefully and we moved inside the kitchen where there was a small room for discussions and personal meetings. Josh had already put some beddings and mattresses and blankets in store because this wasn't the first time we were sleeping in the café after drinking. It was a monthly ritual. I made the bed while he kept snoring half bent on the small table in the corner. After making the bed roughly for us, I took him back and made him sleep and slept myself, comfortable and better sleep came after that.

The next morning happened with Noori calling our name loudly to wake us up. She was angry again as we slept together just like that in the café. She hated alcohol and always scolded us for doing so. I was always scared that she will also leave Joshua because he gives much of his attention and care to me than his girlfriends but Noori was different, I could see that. They had recently completed their 6 months together which was a milestone for Josh. I woke up first in hurry because I knew that when this sun will rise he will throw up first and I hate puked toilets. I came out after getting fresh and found Noori literally clutching Josh's hair and banging him to and fro to get him in his senses. It was kind of funny so I made a video of it in her phone.

It was January, there's wasn't much need of a shower so I just shrugged my clothes lightly, put on the apron and got outside to clean and open the café. It was about time already. Our other staff also started coming in and eyeing inside as Joshua was getting beaten up pretty violently by Noori. I even once tried to stop her thinking maybe she would actually scrape off his hair, the man was already lacking in that matter and not everybody can nail in bald look. I can. I love to think that way, already have miserable life, cannot afford to get a reality check on looks also. We must be in fantasy for once. My 'once' goes forever.

Customers started to come in for their mornings coffees. Our café is pretty famous in our area and it's in a high posh residential arena so a lot of rich sophisticated people come in to spend money and buy coffee from us all the time. I never like the machine coffee, always love the one I make or Josh makes. Anyways, must not cuss who's filling your stomach. Did that rhyme? No it didn't, anyways.
People started rushing in and it was a busy day, like every other day. Josh came later after making up to Noori. I was handling cash counter on behalf of him. I was making the receipt of a customer when I heard a voice reciting something that still felt unusual to me but I got on full alert mode. "When one is already on the edge of his grave..." I looked up immediately only to find her standing beside the customer I was making receipt of. She was faintly smiling while reading but her eyes, her eyes were radiating pure joy I don't know what for. She looked down at my chest and then said "why not resist?" And then looked back at me and smiled fully. I was bit taken aback by her action. So I was right, it was her only who quoted this stupid line. Frustration took over my face pretty immediately and I could feel my ears heating up again when I was lookin at her eased self smiling at me foolishly.

"Will you hurry please?" The customer in front of me said and it broke my trance, I excused myself right then and gave her the receipt. She was waiting patiently till now but her turn came and she chirped "did you like it that much?" And I was confused for a second. "I'm sorry, WHAT?" I said and I could my irritation making ahold around my voice and words.

"The quote I wrote" she replied in her irritatingly elegant self again. Pissing me off even more.
"Im sorry mam, I don't know what you are talking about" I said to shrug off the topic as politely as I could because one can sense his anger growing rapidly and one must know how to prevent that from exploding.

"I'm talking about the post-it you have pasted on your chest. You can say yes if you liked it. I know more such quotes." She said and my eyes immediately went down to my chest along with my hand where I found the creased post-it with blots of my tears dried on it pasted on my chest. Withought my knowledge and consent. Like what the hell. How did it land there?  I was flustered to have found it here and then refusing to understand what she was asking about. Totally embarrassed about it. I looked at her and found her smiling still. I knew she would, after all she made a fool out of me but there wasn't anything like pride or 'I'm always right' feeling in her eyes surprisingly again. There wasn't. She was just smiling and I don't know thinking what but something I wasn't able to read.

"Hie. Dr. Adya Mathur. Nice to meet you." She suddenly said forwarding her hand in front of me while I was still processing how to cover up the embarrassment and make it look like an un-acknowledged accident. She was startling me with her actions and words again and again. I looked at her confusingly when she eyed me to shake her hand.

"I'm Nikumbh Shah. Thank you for coming to our cafe, visit again." I touched her hand lightly as a formality of shake and said plainly as a cue for her to move away. She was getting on my nerves with her extra sweet weird self. Thankfully next customer came by and she had move but she yelled "consider me a regular now" and trailed off while I pretended not to listen what she said and be busy in the baking the bill of another customer. Why would she come again? For a moment, a very weird thought came in my mind but I shrugged it off. It was that perhaps she started liking me or what like a maniac, like Shreya. It wasn't impossible however unacceptable and worthless it might be. I immediately took my mind off of it and after handing over the receipt to another customer, took off that stupid post-it off my chest and threw it away. Far away.

After that, I made sure not to write anything for time being on the dash board as I found her coming here everyday. I hated serving to her or even crossing paths with her so I made sure someone else serves to her and make her bills. I pretty much avoided her for a weak or something when one day Joshua told me that she was looking for me and asked him about me. I felt so screwed I cannot explain because you cannot say no to a customer, that's rule 1 for buisness- customer is like deity until they become unreasonable and all. I had to go to her and take her order this time. I tried so hard to control my anger towards her that I was holding the notepad tight enough to scrape off a page without even trying.

"Your order mam" I tried to say it a warm tone but it turned more out in  gritted teeth. She looked up at me and smiled again. She was alone today unlike other days when she comes with different people almost everyday, never the same.

"Um I'd take a caramel latte today with chocolate chips if you can add..." Weirdo 101.

"Sorry, chocolate chips on caramel latte??? Mam??" I asked to reassure if she knew what she was ordering.

"Yeah come on, I love latte and I love chocolate chips too. What's wrong with that?"

"Yeah but both of them goes on different drinks."

"Who cares? I love them together."

I wrote it down gritting my teeth tighter. Of course.

"And by the way, do you guys have a guitar in the house by any chance??"

"Wha...I'll send Joshua here, he will talk to you okay" I said again trying  very hard to come out normally but the gritted teeth didn't help much in the facade. I had no idea why she instigated so much anger in me. Like literally why!

I ran to Josh and told him straight that he must talk to her, she a lunatic or what. She wants chocolate chips on her caramel latte now, what is to become of that drink and blah bluh blah. He calmed me down and went to her while I moved to shreya to give the wierd drink order.
Then I heard josh chirping and clapping excitedly and then running to our store room and taking out his old guitar which was rusty and had a string broken too.

I almost lost it. Joshua would do anything for a customer and how inconvenient would it be for other customers if someone suddenly starts playing guitar, that too a broken string one. She took it excitingly and then picking out the broken string folded it up above the keys and said "it's fine now". What?? She practically removed a whole string from the guitar, which means a whole line of music and toning from it, how was it FINE now???
Then I saw her taking her shoes off and sitting on the table while putting her feet on the chair and started playing it. Everyone's attention in the cafe shifted to her. She strung it once and it was loud obviously. Then she smiled widely, like she always does and said "hie everyone I'm Adya Mathur and today I'll be entertaining you because I have been really willing to sing for a long long time now. If it doesn't entertain you then forgive me but your music taste is bad" everybody laughed and I was still in the "what the fuck" zone trying to process the mentality and mental power she held to do something like that.

She started playing it slowly and then seconds later the song came in.

City of stars
Are you shining just for me?
City of stars
There's so much that I can't see
Who knows?
I felt it from the first embrace I shared with you
That now our dream may finally come true
City of stars
Just one thing everybody wants
There in the bars
And through the smokescreen of the crow-ded restaurants
It's love
Yes all we're looking for is love from someone else
A rush
A glance
A touch
A dance
look in somebody's eyes
To light up the skies
To open a world and send it reeling
A voice that says I'll be here
And you'll be alright
Cause I don't care of I know
Just where I will go
Cause all that I need's this crazy feeling
A rat-tat-tat of my heart......

I think I want it to stayyy

City of stars
Are you shining just for me?
City of stars
You never shineddd so brightlyyyy.....

(Applauses breaking the ceiling)

Not gonna lie it was beautiful. She has a good voice. Everybody was silent and still when she moved her fingers and worked that magic on that guitar and that sweet voice that felt so calm and immersed in music that it felt like dew drop landing on a velvet textured leaf and it is right on the edge of the lead from where it will fall anytime by now but it doesn't. It stays there completely full like a drop not leaving its own shape and flexibly settling into another's accordance. It stays intact like that. That's how her voice felt which seemed like mingling in the air and we suddenly started breathing what she sang but it had all of her essence and we, like the gentle velvet leaf, accomodated her safely in our minds. For all that time I almost forgot all that I felt about her, all that anger and weirdness I felt around her subsided somewhere and her soothing song took place. Things that look mental and imaginary can actually be felt if you think and are ready to feel them. That's what I have always been doing since all these years so now everything I think, I feel.

Everybody applauded for her and cheered for her while she dramatically bowed and took everyone's comments happily. Josh turned to me over and over to tell me how amazing she was just now and how annoyingly I was cribbing and bitching about her just now. He then came to me while shreya went to serve her caramel latte with chocolate chip. Josh took me aside of the counter and in a very low voice asked me to lean down towards him to listen to him carefully. I was confused as to what he wanted to say so I leant in and he said " promise me you will do it" I immediately said NO although I had no idea what he was talking about.
He pulled me down again warning to keep my voice low and said "no please nik. You know I take you as a younger brother, wouldn't you do that much for me." And I said no again because the kind of manipulation he was pulling off here was dangerous of course. Like Josh, I never asked for a bigger brother... but okay. He kept clinging onto me and I said yes. Then he revealed diabolical plan in front of me and I regretted every moment I owed this man even though I don't ask for. He said "so seems like you kind of know her, and even not then she seems kind of interested in you....you saw how she asked for you right. So I just want you to be friends with her and convince her to come here regularly and play something weekly at least. It will bring us alot of customers trust me."

I freaked out. What was this man talking about. A calm composed and silent ignoring man like me was suffering from anger management without any reason but just her existence all this time and he wants me to be friends with her? FRIENDS WITH HER???? How on this possible earth am I supposed to do that? I have never made friends and these days my hatred has shifted to this girl only, how am I supposed to be friends with her?

He kept shushing me and rubbing my shoulder with all his PLEASE NIK I LOVE YOU NIK, JUST THIS ONCE NIK and stuff and I kept denying but then I had to agree to him because the man was serious on business and you cannot mess with his buisness. I was working there as an employee after all so before he would use his employer right on me someday, I thought of dodging the ball and accepting it.

I went to her after removing my apron and meekly said "hie".
After seeing me like that, I think she was kind of taken aback too since she spilled a drop out of the straw and immediately excused.
I was nervous, embarassed, angry, clueless, and just feeling like a loser to be there. She, after chewing her chocolate chip, replied with a rather loud "hieeee, how come...".
I nervously scoffed and scratched the back of my head to think for a reason to be here while she just sipped on her drink and kept looking at me. Then it suddenly stroke me so I asked "I thought I heard a doctor in your name earlier." And she spilled another drop as she kind of chuckled and then excusing herself again replied "yes I'm a doctor only but today Im a singer so today I kicked my doctor self away. Did you like that?"

"What? Oh song? Yeah yeah. Not gonna lie you were amazing there. But....how did you manage to play the guitar without a string? I mean, I'm just curious. Joshua stopped learning it after the string broke so I thought it was kind of impossible."

"Ah I see. Actually Nikumbh...it's nikumbh right?"

"Yeah yeah. Nikumbh only"

"So nikumbh the thing is people have this conception of a WHOLE fit in their minds. Of COMPLETION, they think it's incomplete and unacceptable when things don't match that criteria. It's actually nothing. I played the guitar and played all the notes of that string in another note, that is with another string. It did sound a little different, a somewhat unsettling too if you notice and sometimes it might look horrible as well but it is NEW, a something different you just created and not what's already made. Missing of something/someone from somewhere does make a difference but doesn't end the existence and possibility altogether. The guitar is still very much useful and very much musical than it was earlier."

She was different. Definitely different. And the reason that she instigated so much anger in me was because she was different from me and in such an amazingly happy and beautiful way that it bothered me to my core. I had met alot of people who never think like I did but they were never able to challenge me with their mindset because I found each one of them equally lacking on their own but she....she was complete. She was so complete and full that it bothered my emptiness for the first time.