The fact that exhaustion comes over when you run hard from something/someone and then eventually you have to stop somewhere to have a handful breath and normalise your heart which seems likely to explode anytime soon, is what I hate the most. Of course I cannot run till death, quite literally, even if I want to but I must decide when I want to stop and not my body, but that doesn't happen all the time with me... someone who is not an athlete or even a sportsperson.

I ran kilometers or something that evening. Not knowing where to but I kept running until I fainted right in front of a shop just like that. Yes, I tried to run till death, quite literally, but that doesn't happen. Your heart seems like it will explode but it doesn't. The shopkeeper helped me get in and waited till I gained my senses back. They were helpful enough to call me a cab which dropped me to the café I work as a part-timer, Ivy And Beans. I don't have a home, just houses, so at times like this where people think I might need SOMEONE else's help and I must not be left alone...I give them the address of my café.

My manager rushed to me when I got out of the cab and before asking me questions he asked how much did I have to pay to the driver but I knew this would happen so I paid him already. Joshua turned to me with his weird concerning eyes and asked me what happened.

"I'm free" I said with my faint smile and leant on him like a corpse falling lifelessly without any grip against gravity. He started yelling and shaking me since he got scared as what happened to me suddenly but I was way too tired from my attempt of running away to even stand or even speak. I had already said enough.

He dragged me inside and did the little first aid of my little scratches here and there. I kept my eyes close and kept nodding to give him clear indications that I wasn't dead, yet.
He kept asking me what happened and how did I end up landing in vagabond kind of situation but I kept nodding plainly signaling him that I was alive. Just that.
I had no strength to talk, or even if I had, there was nothing to talk about anyway. I set myself free, in more ways than I thought. My heart felt light and floating which always seemed to be filled with baggage and loads of crap I don't know of what. But today, it felt like they were all gone. Whooosshhhhh like vapour in the afternoon sunbeam. I was sweating in the month of January. Of course, I ran so much. So much that it started to suffocate me, all that wet collar of my inner sweater and creating itching around my neck. I took off my sweater and sat there in my vest. Joshua came rushing inside with a hot brewed coffee and a club sandwich but stopped looking at me fanning myself from my sweater. He freaked out and I laughed hard watching him freak out. It was time a to freak out but it was a time to laugh too.

About an hour later, I came outside with my body much better after the exhaustion and my stomach completely full with Joshua lovable sandwich. I came out to work my hours off and was wearing the apron only when we heard some commotion outside our cafe. Joshua rushed out with another freaked look on his face and then minutes later he came inside but with a police inspector and a constable with him. I knew they were for me. They came looking out for me only.
Joshua said "He is Nikumbh Shah you were asking about, but sir what happened?" He was more freaked than before, for some obvious reasons I mean.

I was calm, the police was calm but everyone else here including our other cafe staff and customers there were not. They all were kind of freaked as everybody looked at me when I took off my half wore apron and then came out of the cash counter to the police waiting for me.

"Yes sir. I was there." I said before greeting him good evening. He was taken a bit and then raising his eyebrows he said "but we didn't even mention why we came here" to which is scoffed to my right and said "you don't have to, let's go and talk in the station not here". He looked at me for a minute while Joshua with his super freaked blank mind kept switching his horrified gaze from the inspector to me to him and it went on until the inspector told his constable to take me with them.

I happily obliged but Joshua of course started bombarding us with questions again and I tried to calm him down and told him to call Mausa ji.
When the police was taking me away with them and Joshua, along with other staff member had surrounded us all around, my eyes fell on the cafe and the people were standing and staring at me with their mouths wide open and brains running fast to deem out the most possible cause of me getting arrested, next coming in was them relating those cuases to themselves and somehow fitting themselves in my story and me in theirs. It was clearly evident in their eyes. All my life, I have been keen about people's judgement because I have seen the worse result of it. How far it can go and how worse it could be, and it's not people's fault...it's just how the bloody brain works. So all these years have taught me to see their judgements about me floating in their eyes whenever they get to know even a tiny part of me, or even happen to be around me and my universe.

My eyes suddenly fell on a customer, a girl, you know one of those who suddenly look all mature and composed just by the look of them. She was staring at me too. Our eyes met, and....I didn't move. It was different. Her eyes were different than the others. Somehow, I found a hint of sympathy in them. Completely different than others. Like you accidentally find a lotus in the bouquet of roses. I stopped moving and my forehead creased to see more of her. She turned her head away, as if she found me catching her sympathizing me. What was that though. It enraged me. I hate sympathy. People have always looked down at me like I'm a cute puppy with three legs and a half bitten ear found on street begging for them to take me home. No! Keep your humanly kindness to yourself but I'm not. I might be three legged but I'm not....well whatever.

The gaze broke from her when the constable pushed me to move forward and I did. It was horrible to go like that but I don't know, I knew I deserved it and yet it felt like an unnecessary punishment...like I dont deserve it.

Three hours in lock up after the half an hour investigation and questioning by police, I got bailed by Khan uncle, our family prosecutor who took care of all my legal affairs. Mausima kept bawling her lungs out for half an hour straight till the inspector was proceeding with all the legalities and making me wait inside the lockup. I was practically laughing inside to know that such a sweet innocent person can scare a police officer on duty with her wailings only.

After I got out, I assured her that I'll visit but then Khan uncle took the phone from me and dropped the dreaded news I was hoping to hear since all these years but still felt like I got cut right in my chest. It was like someone stabbed in my heart but it's so empty that there's not a single ounce of blood coming out to respond. The pain had dried up and stuck in the walls of my heart, unlike those who have it melted inside them which they call blood.

I walked out of the station to grab some air. Suddenly the anxiety took over me and sweat drops started forming on my forehead sideways making their usual way from initial hairline to the peninsular structure of hair grown beside my ear and then dripping till my jaws. The more I came in contact with air the more I felt the scarcity of it inside me. My lungs, I felt like my lungs started crumbling inside and cocooning itself to stop my breath...the only thought that came in my mind was YES! FINALLY! But I knew again, this won't last any longer. I wasn't panicking. I was habitual of it. I started tearing up but wasn't crying. That's how the anatomy and physiology works but I'm far too aware of that and far too learnt from that. Just the moment I felt my knees wobbling up inside and giving up their strength and I yelled HERE WE GOO!!! I was suddenly caught up by Khan chacha. AGAIN!

My eyes opened and I was in my single room apartment of the building near my college and cafe. It was Joshua's cousin's building so he gave one room on lowest rate possible, otherwise it was a PG kind of place where there were at least 3 boys in a room. They were all kind of jealous of me, but that's the good part about boys...they don't hold these small ground grudges. They will let you join their Sutta-club even if they don't like you much, or ask you for beer parties and all. But, the problem here was...well...me again lol. I never liked their company. Never joined sutta club or beer parties or anything. Not that I'm unsocial isolated kind of guy, it's just that...I can see through people and just the moment I tell the very most basic thing about me to someone...they reflect their judgement right in their faces and Im just tired of that. Not even looking for someone who would think otherwise. Although did find one today in that café customer but she was same too, just different according to the timing and situation. Normally, people wouldn't sympathise with me when I'm getting arrested...because now I'm suddenly the naughty nuisance creating puppy who bit them in their imaginations, then it doesn't matter if I have three legs only or if my ears are bitten by a cat.

Khan chacha made me his special chamomile tea. Man of sophisticated choices. He always told me that chamomile tea relaxes our muscles and clams us down but that made me hate him even more whenever he gave me because he still believed that I needed to calm down. Hell how much more down could I be than this?

"Shiv and Arti are on their way. I've contacted with the police and arranged everything. You don't have to worry about a single thing. Listen my boy, don't loose yourself..." The moment he said that I yelled at him "where is myself to loose in all this....I'm nowhere dammit. Nothing. What's become of me is all that shouldn't have happened. What's inside me is all that repels me to be anything I would have wanted to. Uncle, I have said this million times already and I'm still saying this....I, NIKUMBH SHAH, IS NO ONE so never expect to gain him or be afraid of loosing him because it cannot happen."

His face dried up like it always does. These are the few people who loves me dearly but what a waste of resource. There are some gaps inside you which can't be filled just like that by anyone. It just can't. These gaps increase into something beyond imagination and at the end of the day...you are just one big hole in a can which cannot hold anything. Everything will pass away. I'm that hole in the can.

Next morning I woke up to submit my assignment and talk to Joshua about the 14 days leave I was to take from my part time. Moreover, it was important to talk to him anyway given that he must have been in that same freaked out expression since yesterday only. Should have called him sooner though, anyways.
Khan uncle was snoring beside me on the floor of which he insisted, let me clarify. I literally sent him off but he manhandled me and pushing me inside made a bed for himself and slept voluntarily, I couldn't budge him. I'm not a gym guy after all and that sack of a man weighs at least a ton.

I made him the espresso for the coffee and went out for the college. College is easy. Oh by the way, I was pursuing Masters of Architect, second year. I honestly had no idea what to do with my life. I was never able to seek out a goal, make an ambition and fulfil it. My only ambition in life was fulfilled the day before. Architect was something my Mausima and Mausaji selected after sitting for like hours and then calculating all I'm good at and then all I can easily do and all I'm interested to do, honestly that sums up to nothing because there's nothing I'm good at except understanding and seeing the real face of everything, all I can easily do is piss off someone and all I wanted to do was the whole reason I wasn't good at anything and kept pissing off everybody I met. They pretty much used all their strength, took counseling sessions and then came up with this idea...to make me an architect because I'm good at drawing and calculating. Yes. Oh and by the way, I'm their only child, they don't have one of their own so I inherit every bit of them although since the age I was with them, I have been repelling it only. The whole universe is filled with love and I'm going straight to hell for pushing it away. Well I'm desperately waiting to move to hell.

After submitting my assignment, I went straight to Joshua as this was the right time he must be making his special club sandwich for his girlfriend Noori and I'll jump right in with my three legged bitten ear puppy face and he would just feed me full. Using a good guy?? Hell I'm.

Joshua came rushing to me when he saw me entering the cafe.
"Nik what happened? Are you alright? Why did they take you? You are on parole?" Man man man, why made such man?

"Take a deep breathe Josh. And PAROLE are given to those who are JAILED, I barely got ARRESTED so I'm BAILED." I said holding his shoulders. He is shorter than me, what like a four or five inch. Actually, I'm kinda tall, like a 186cms. So he keeps looking up at me and trust me I feel like the puppy role just reversed.

"Oh whatever, just tell me what happened?" He asked again.

"Nothing, I was just charged for breaking a masterpiece in the modern art gallery....a..." And before I could complete he jumped in "YOU DID WHATT??? You broke a masterpiece in the modern art gallery??? How?? And..and why??? What is wrong with you Nik......?"
Now you must have the idea that this man doesn't know me. Actually no, he does and why I'm sticking to him is because he has this ultimate genuine wish of seeing me get better and he does so much for me just for that...for my betterment that it makes me feel like being here for him. Sometimes, a good deed, a help provided, a shoulder given is what makes you feel like you are a good man and once you feel that...you always live up to be a good man and always yearn to be one. Joshua is like that, his yearning to be a good man by being my shoulder to cry on is what makes me be there for him to make him a good man. I have good virtues?? Bullshit, I love his club sandwich.

As usual I ate the sandwich and Noori sat beside me badmouthing Joshua all she wanted about feeding me first and leaving her behind but then again, it was everyday's story so she was pretty used to it too. He made all the rest of them chanting 'sorry baby' which was also something that goes on loop everyday. I stuffed my mouth with the bite of a heavenly sandwich and just then it reminded me what I came here for so with that stuffed mouth only I spoke "oh anf josff....mistfer faahh daiidd" and he stopped in his tracks and turned around with the hot spatula in his hands. His face lost color. Something I hate about myself, everything about me makes them wonder so hard that they loose the color of their faces and then think hard and hard as to what they must say to comfort me or something and then end up being embarrassed of themselves since there's literally nothing they can say to me. At least nothing that comes to the purpose of comforting me.

"What?" He very meekly asked. As if he was dreading it all to happen. The stab in my heart had recovered by now pretty much. Dried walls stitched back overnight. Fast recovery. Bravo!

I gulped what I had, gross-iest version of the best-est sandwich, and then looking up to him with my long eye lashes lifting up dramatically, said "Mr.Shah died yesterday so I'll be taking 14 days leave. In our religion the whole cremation process prolongs for 14 days, will join right after but you must cut my salary."

Josh turned back, put the stove off and then rushed back to hug me but goodness lord I knew this coming way before so I jumped away in right nick of time and yelled "don't you dare do that...your girlfriend is here what must she think of us".
Noori was standing up by now and looking at us with horrified expression and I think she was trying to get some tears but of course...you just can't get them without a reason right. There was no reason for her to cry.

"Shut up nik, how can you joke around right now. Come here. Will go to church and pray for your father's soul." Joshua said opening his arms for me and that's actually when it hit me. My father. It's not just a random Mr.Shah, but my father. He died. I'm practically an orphan now, which I became since I was 5 only but now even in the records. Anxiety started kicking in again and I could feel that storm of weird sensations building around my gut and now was the time for sweats to enter the scene and start defining my poor jaws, so I took a deep breath and stuffed the rest of the sandwich in my mouth and ran off from there. I opened the door haphazardly and rushed out with my mouth filled with the amount of sandwich I couldn't chew and then suddenly boom!
It happened so fast that before I knew, the sandwich in my mouth was already out. Now I had to see, where. I turned around only to find a girl standing there shrugging off the sleeves of her coat with disgust in her face clearly written. She looked with rage and our eyes met. Suddenly, everything changed. I immediately realized she was the customer who was here yesterday when I was getting arrested, who saw me with sympathy and probably she realised it too that I was one who was arrested yesterday. All that rage in her eyes and guilt in mine changed completely into curiosity in her and anger in mine.

"It's okay" before I even apologised, she said that. It just triggered me so much that I spat the rest of the sandwich beside me and turned towards her. Hint of disgust and eww moment flashed in her face but then she revived back and focused on me with what you can call a faint curious kind of smile.

"Its not okay. I spat on you, IT'S NOT OKAY. Why would you say it's okay? Why...why are you looking at me with that little typical "humanly sympathy" of yours. I got arrested yesterday, I must be a murderer, a....a rapist...or a pervert.... anything...I can be anything. Judge me that. Why...why that petty sympathy of yours. ITS NOT FUCKING OKAY OKAY?" I yelled with all my might and that turned out all that anxiety that was building in sensations inside me was not channeled and turned into rage which was now firing up my veins and I could bloody hell feel it along with my blood. My ears shot hot smoke which I'm sure no one could see but I could very much feel it. I clenched my jaws and balled my fist tightly to let my nails dig in my palm to create physical pain which could take over my mind instead of anger.
Joshua came rushing back with his horrified expression again, with his girlfriend following him. He was astonished to see me and that girl who, like a crazy, stood there with that same curious smile. I felt so much anger towards her because she was challenging me so much. Her eyes, either I couldn't read them properly or it was actually there what I read but something I wasn't willing to accept. She was still very calm as if this anger of mine was expected and reasonable, it was not.

"What...what happened?" Joshua asked again. If you want to know everything that badly josh...then why are you so late always? Argh, forget it. So he asked me but he knew I wouldn't answer so he turned to her and she just plainly nodded in negative and said "I just bumped into him and it's not okay of course. My bad. I'm sorry mr....? Criminal?" She said and Josh turned red listening to that.

"Excuse me miss, how dare you call him that? Especially when you are at fault here? No seriously? Where is the basic mannerism? You look like a well educated and mature person but look what's coming out of your mouth. You don't even know him...his...." And just then I stopped him. Again with that three legged puppy story.

"Josh, calm down. It was my fault. I'm sorry miss... whatever. And Nikumbh. I'm not a criminal." I said while wiping my lips off and went away from there.

When I reached my apartment, mausi ma was already waiting for me with her wet eyes and mausa ji was standing there making calls and arrangements. She ran to me and hugged me, I hugged her back. They are the kind of person who rely on someone else and give their everything, all the love and compassion to someone else and then call themselves PARENTS. I have seen this kind almost everywhere. Don't like them personally because they seem like done with their stories and now fitting themselves in their child's. Mausi ma and mausa ji have been there since my orphan period began and I can't help but love them but I can't help but be away from them because as said above, I'm nothing but a big hole made of gaps. Not everybody can fix it, not even myself.

"Let's go Nikumbh, Khan uncle made all the arrangements at your home only". Mausaji said to me after ending the call.
I looked at him with Mausima still clung to my torso like a little child scared to leave her mother, and said " I don't have a home Mausaji, it's just another house. Especially for cremations."