hey! welcome back! this chapter is on the heavier side but the following chapter is a lot breezier (we're all about light and shade here!)
I recommend listening to boys will be boys by dua lipa for this chapter x

Billie supposed she was meant to be feeling on top of the world, Richmond was rising like a phoenix from the ashes with four consecutive wins, she'd shot a campaign for the England football kit release that would be displayed on billboards across the country.

And yet she had never felt so hollow.

The notification had appeared on her phone as the sun rose that morning, streaks of pink decorating the sky, while she'd laid in bed after Jamie had left to train with Roy. She couldn't quite believe it, feeling her world crumble around her as she stared at her phone screen.

She'd contemplated staying in bed and avoiding the problem, but she knew that Jamie would sense that something was wrong if she did that. So she'd climbed out of bed, wrapped herself in her robe and made her way downstairs, Nelson trailing behind her. She was relieved to be at Jamie's house instead of her flat, not quite sure she could face Alfie and Madison if they'd seen what she'd seen.

Jamie's garden wasn't somewhere that Billie tended to spend a lot of time, given the typical British weather, there had been few opportunities to take advantage of the space. But she needed not to be trapped within the confines of four walls, it was enough of a struggle to be trapped inside her own head.

In the pocket of her leather jacket that had been discarded on the back of a chair in Jamie's bedroom she'd found a half empty pack of cigarettes and a lighter that a girl had given her on a night out about a month before. Billie Kent was someone who only really smoked on nights out after a few vodka lemonades, so she didn't really have a reason to hold onto them. But as the box sat in her hand, she felt that perhaps it could provide her with some sort of relief.

She placed the cigarette between her lips, lighting it before taking a heavy drag as she sat on the outdoor couch, bringing her knees up to her chest, watching Nelson as he ran the length of the garden. She feared how long she had left until rumours slowly spread around the club like uncontrollable wildfire, she wondered whether she'd be quietly asked to leave because of it.

Brad Barker had already robbed her of so much, she never imagined he'd destroy her dignity completely. She had let herself be fooled into thinking that when she broke up with him she'd be free of him for good, but somehow he kept working his way back into her life. He'd provoked Jamie during the FA Cup match, he'd toyed with Billie at the first match of the season, he was always going to linger in her life

She didn't even know the photo had been taken.

Smoke lingered in her lungs as she kept her eyes on Nelson, wondering how stress free it must be to be a dog who's only worry was how many cuddles he'd get during a day. She wished she could run and run, the way she saw it she'd been stupid and let her guard down with Brad, and it was still haunting her.

"Babe, I'm back!" She heard Jamie call out as the front door closed.

She quickly tossed the cigarette onto the patio, stamping it out with her foot before Jamie could find her, she wiped the tears from her eyes and plastered on a smile, hoping he was oblivious to the truth.

"What are you doing out here?" Jamie asked as he stepped out onto the patio, still dressed in workout gear.

"Nelson needed a wee, I just fancied the fresh air," Billie muttered as she rested her chin on her knees, not daring to look at him, she was embarrassed, fearing that his opinion of her might change if he saw what she'd seen.

"Are you okay, babe?" Jamie asked as he took a seat beside her, "You're pale and your voice don't sound right."

"I think I've come down with something," She sniffed, keeping her eyes on the back of the garden, "Hannah said it was going around at Phoebe's school, I probably just got it from her."

"Why don't you take the day off, babe? You've been burning yourself out with how hard you've been working," Jamie suggested and it was an instant answer to her prayers, it bought her some time before she had to face the team, she could pretend it wasn't happening for another day or two and eventually they might just forget.

"Yeah," Billie exhaled, as Jamie placed his hand on top of hers she flinched, she didn't mean to, she hated herself for reacting to his touch in that way, his touch that had never made her feel anything but safe, loved and happy.

"Do you want a hot blackcurrant squash?" He asked, it was what his mum had always made for him when he was under the weather. He'd made it for Billie the last time she had an awful period and couldn't face drinking a hot chocolate.

"I'll sort myself out," Billie sniffed, "You should get ready for training."

"I can take the day off, babe," Jamie assured her, "Take proper good care of you."

"I can look after myself, Jamie," Billie insisted, her voice sounded firmer than it ever did when she spoke to Jamie, "The team needs you more."

"I'll come say goodbye to you before I go, okay?" He smiled, not thinking anything of her words, he just assumed that she was doing what she usually did, putting the team first.

"Yeah," Billie nodded, closing her eyes as he kissed the top of her head.

"Hey," Jamie smiled as he entered the living room where Billie sat on the sofa, Nelson's head resting on her knee, "I'm heading off."

"Okay."

"I'll pop in during lunch and bring you some fresh food if you like," Jamie told her, his kitbag resting on his shoulder.

"I'll be fine," Billie insisted with a tentative smile, "I'll see you later."

"Alright," Jamie nodded as he kissed the top of her head before making his way towards the front door before calling out, "Love you!"

Tears filled Billie's eyes as she regressed back into the shell of the twenty two year old who failed to believe she was deserving of love again. She'd sworn she'd never be her again, that she'd learnt to love herself when she'd fallen in love with Jamie, that his love was enough for her to believe that she deserved to be loved.

She supposed that she could stay at home all day, driving herself crazy waiting to find out that Jamie had seen it, that her brother had seen it, that the team had seen it. She knew what happened to women who had photos like that leaked, that's what they became, they became that image, they couldn't escape it, not in a way a man could.

A man embraces his carnality and he's a sex symbol, a woman embraces her sensuality and she's slut shamed for it.

Before she could dwell on the idea that flitted through her consciousness, Billie hopped off of the sofa and hurried upstairs, heading for Jamie's bedroom.

She pulled a pair of her jeans out of the wardrobe, slipping out of the robe and her pyjamas, pulling on the jeans before grabbing a t-shirt which she slipped on with one of Jamie's more understated hoodies. She scraped her hair back into a topknot on top of her head before slipping on a pair of trainers and placing her trusted sunglasses on top of her head.

It wasn't a part of London she had ventured to in a while, and during her tube journey she slowly began to wonder whether the decision she'd made on impulse was actually a good idea. But Billie was a Kent, she had been raised by a man who's default response was to respond with aggression on the football pitch, she needed to throw herself in at the deep end.

She walked down the street that remained so familiar, laying her eyes on the house that she hadn't been to in two years, and as she approached it dawned on her that he might not even be there, that this was perhaps just a wasted journey.

Regardless of that she hurried up the driveway, knocking against the door before she could talk herself out of it.

The door promptly opened and standing before him was the man of her nightmares, a little girl who looked almost two years old was sitting in his arms, babbling about cars.

"Billie," He nodded with a slight smirk and she wondered if he'd seen the article.

"Brad," Billie exhaled, "Are you gonna invite me in?"

"Always were forward, weren't you?" Brad rolled his eyes as he stepped aside, letting her enter his house, "What's this about?"

"Is she due for a nap?" Billie asked, gesturing to his daughter, "I'm not sure you want your daughter hearing what I came here to say."

Brad looked at Billie with genuine concern in his eyes and she genuinely couldn't tell if he knew about it or not, "I'll take her up to her room," He told her before quickly making his way upstairs as Billie walked through to the kitchen at the back of the house, taking a seat at the dining table. It hadn't changed much, it still resembled the same bachelor pad, it was just the toys that made it clear that there was a little girl who occasionally shared the space.

"So, what's all of this about?" Brad asked as he returned to the kitchen, "You've clearly not left loverboy high and dry for a little catchup with me."

"Have you seen this morning's news?" Billie asked as he sat down opposite her.

"I've been busy with Nova, the only thing I've seen this morning is her face and reruns of Bluey," He told her as she scoffed.

"So," She opened her phone, pulling up the article that immediately made her hands tremble before sliding the device across the table, "You've not seen this, then?"

Brad glanced down at the phone, his eyes skimming over the words before his gaze landed on the photo, the photo that spoke more than just a thousand words.

"Read it," Billie instructed him as she folded her arms across her chest, "Properly."

THE GREAT A-WANK-ENING: TARTT'S TART IS AN AVERAGE PIECE OF ART
ONE OF THE MANY IMAGES RELEASED IN THE RECENT HACKING INCIDENT PROVES THAT WHILE JAMIE TARTT IS THE ONE PUTTING THE KIT ON FOR RICHMOND, HIS GIRLFRIEND IS HAPPY TO TAKE HERS OFF.

"Now, you've not seen the inside of Jamie's bedroom, so you don't know what's on his walls," Billie muttered as she picked at her nail beds, "But I've been in your bedroom, and I know that you've got an obnoxiously big fuck off canvas of the London skyline hanging above your bed, just like that one in that photo of me."

"You're putting this on me?" Brad scoffed in disbelief.

"I am, yeah," Billie nodded, "Seeing as I didn't know that fucking photo was being taken, and now somehow it's in the papers, but it's not your name they see when they see that fucking photo, it's mine."

"You're a nobody, Billie, no one cares, you'll be one of a dozen articles," Brad relaxed back into her seat, "You were my girlfriend and now your Tartt's, that's all you are."

"My name is Kent, and in this country that fucking means something," She smacked the palm of her hand against the marble table in anger.

"It's your brother's name, it's your brother that got you the job, it's your brother that'll have this story lifted from the papers," Brad shrugged, "If he hadn't got you that job at Richmond you'd have been one of those washed up Lust Conquers All contestants still using your brother's name to get you through the door."

Billie bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to stop the tears, just willing that for once in her life she could get one over on him, "Is this what you'd want for your daughter, to have her body plastered over the internet?"

"This has nothing to do with Nova."

"You haven't even told me why or how you took the fucking photo," Billie told him, deciding to fill in the blanks based on what her hair and makeup in the photo could tell her, "It was new years and I was twenty one, I was drunk, so I suppose you took advantage of that."

"You're going to tell me you don't remember it?" Brad scoffed, "You were all for it, you were dancing around at the end of my bed, doing a whole strip tease and then I started taking photos."

"I don't remember telling you that I was okay with it, I don't remember the fucking camera," Billie whispered.

"Well you didn't say no," Brad quipped.

"That doesn't fucking mean yes!" Billie shouted as he stared back at her with disbelief in his eyes.

Without another word she stood up, storming out of the kitchen and down the hallway as tears filled her eyes. She flung the front door open and slammed it closed behind her before she hurried down the street, needing to be as far from Brad Barker as physically possible.

She felt grubby and infected, memories of that night flashed through her mind as she began to run, her memories were patchy and faded, but she didn't remember a camera, she didn't remember agreeing to it.

He had used her, the way that he always had.

Richmond's locker room was a far cry from the streets of Chelsea, and it felt as though it lacked something as the men changed into their clean clothes after a day of training without Billie appearing to ask who wanted to film some media content or to give each of them a quick hug.

But they made the best of what they had, Jamie had told the boys that she wasn't well, they asked him to pass on their well wishes. Sam had called up the florist he used at the restaurant and ordered a bouquet of sunflowers to the house from the team. Will had mentioned Billie's health to his mum over text who insisted that she'd send him round with a homemade cottage pie that evening if necessary, feeling a need to say thank you for all the opportunities she'd given Will in a way that only a mother could.

"Yo, y'all seen this?" Van Damme grabbed the attention of the locker room, "A bunch of famous chicks got their nude photos leaked."

Some of the boys whistled, while most of them remained quiet, unsure of how exactly to react.

"The Sun is calling it 'The Great A-wank-ening,'" Sam told the team, who winced audibly, "What is the opposite of clever?"

"The Sun." The team answered in unison.

"Well, I guess I know what I'm doing this weekend," Colin remarked, hoping it would avert speculation.

"Oh, fuck that, we shouldn't be looking at that shit," Isaac told his teammates.

"Why not?"

"Because it wasn't meant for us, Jan Maas," Isaac replied, "It was their private property."

"Nah, bro, if you don't want your private pictures out there, just don't take naked pictures," Cockburn shrugged, "Especially being famous."

"What? Come on man." Sam sighed in disbelief.

"Fuck that, Cowburn, the only people to blame are the dickheads who steal your shit and put it online, that's why I delete all the photos on my phone," Jamie told the team, ensuring that any photo Billie had ever sent him was deleted and then immediately removed from his phone's bin after he'd taken the time to appreciate it, "Especially 'cause I'm famous."

"Hey, listen, I'm with Jamie on this one, whenever I have a relationship end, I ask the girl to go through my phone, delete any photos, videos, whatever she wants," Sam told the group.

"Bro, for real?"

"Yeah, I'm being serious," Sam nodded earnestly, "One girl actually deleted Candy Crush...I was devastated, but I also understood."

"Hey, hold on, once someone sends you a photo, don't you own it?" Colin remarked.

"Copyright law on private photography is a little murky," Jan shrugged.

"It's not about the law, it's about doing what is right, like in Les Miserables," Dani told the team, having rewatched the film adaptation with Billie and Jamie just a few weeks prior.

"Fuck yeah, 24601!"

"No, but deleting photos makes no sense," Colin retorted, "Do we delete our memories too?"

"No, cause no one can steal your memories," Isaac remarked.

"That's not entirely true," Bumbercatch told the team.

"What if I took the photo?" Dixon asked.

"Delete it."

"What if it was a Christmas card?"

"Delete it, bro," Jamie replied.

What if it's artsy?" Winchester asked.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Jamie frowned.

"It's in black and white and you can't see anything."

"Delete it, mate."

"What if I'm in the photo?"

"Delete it."

"What about sonograms?"

"Delete that shit."

"What if I'm French?" Richard asked.

"Delete it."

"What if she's naked, but not sexual?"

"The fuck? What is she doing in it?" Bumbercatch frowned.

"She's just defecating."

"Delete it, bro."

"Oh, what about a commissioned painting?" Will asked in reference to the portrait he'd had done for his girlfriend using his first kitman's wages just before they broke up.

"Is it in a nice frame?" Jamie asked the boy that Billie considered a little brother, knowing he'd probably asked her for advice on it when he had it commissioned.

"It's leaning against my couch," Will sighed.

"Gotta burn it, bro."

"Nah, I shouldn't have to delete my photos just because they might get stolen, it's my stuff, don't touch it." Colin declared as the locker room rose into chatter again.

"Woah, hey, hey, guys," Sam silenced the team as he kept his eyes on his phone, stopping at the first paragraph, not daring to scroll any further out of respect, "This article says that Billie and Keeley were two of the women who were hacked."

The team's gaze flitted from Sam to Jamie and Roy. Roy's back was to the team as he focused on the strategy whiteboard at the front of the room. He stopped writing at the mention of his ex-girlfriend and his sister's names, not quite knowing what to do.

Jamie was much the same, his mouth ran dry as he kept his eyes on the floor. It promptly dawned on him why Billie had been acting so different that morning, she wasn't ill, she'd seen the article. His mind began to run away with itself, wondering why she hadn't told him about it, why she'd bottled it up instead of letting him share the load with him. Didn't she trust him?

"Right, everybody, take out your phones," Isaac made his way to the front of the room, fearing for Billie, a woman he considered a valued friend, no, a sister, "Delete every single picture and video that you've ever been sent, now!"

"I need to..." Jamie's voice trailed off as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and left the locker room, finding solace in Billie's empty office as he closed the door behind himself.

He quickly clicked on Billie's contact, his hands nervously trembling as his phone rang. He didn't even know what the nature of what had been leaked was, he just needed to know that she was okay. The phone rang until it went to voicemail, and Jamie's heart sunk.

He removed his baseball cap and nervously ran a hand through his hair before pressing call again, waiting for her to answer.

"Hello?" Her voice came from the other side of the phone.

"Bils, hey, are you okay, babe?" He asked, unsure of what else he could say.

"I'm fine," She muttered, "Why are you calling me?"

"I just, I just wanted to check in on you, see how you are," Jamie answered.

"Well, I'm alright," She told him, and Jamie was sure that he could hear a difference in her voice, as though she was wavering.

"I know about it, Bils, I know about the article," Jamie sighed, because he wanted more than anything to be there for her, "And it'd be pretty fucking normal not to be okay about that."

"You think I should be embarrassed by it?" Billie quipped defensively.

"Of course not, I just want you to know that I'm here and I get it," Jamie assured her, promptly putting the pieces together and if he were a betting man he'd put money on it being Brad that had affected her so gravely, that it would've been Brad who was responsible for that photo's existence.

"I'm not sure you do get it, Jamie," Billie huffed, and Jamie wasn't sure what to say to keep her from pushing him away, "It's not your photo, it's not your body, I'm just your girlfriend, I'm just Roy Kent's sister, I'm just-"

"You're so much more than them things, Billie," Jamie sighed, because it was the truth, she was more than an extension of the men that surrounded her, she was talented, kind, loving, she was everything, "Just stay where you are, I'm on me way home."

"I'm not at home," She answered.

"Where are you?" Jamie asked as concern began to set in, "I'll come and get you."

"I don't want you to come and get me," She replied.

"Bils, what's going on?" Jamie's voice wobbled.

"I'm giving you space."

"Billie, I don't want space-" He promptly cut himself off when he realised that she'd ended the call, "Fuck."

He was worried, he didn't know where she was, he didn't know what state she was in. All he knew was that she was pushing him away. But Jamie knew Billie better than anyone did, it was what she did when she was scared, when she feared that she was ruining the lives of those around her. He hated that she thought even for a second that she believed she was doing that to him.

Billie needed not to be Billie Kent for just a while, so after she'd left Brad's house, she searched for the pubs closest to that area. She just wanted to forget everything that had happened, to wash it all away, even if it was just for a night, to not be the girl in the photo, to not feel like a commodity that got passed from man to man.

So she found comfort in one of the few ways she knew how, nursing another double vodka (she'd lost count of how many she'd had if she was entirely honest) and lemonade as she sat at the bar in a pub that she was unfamiliar with. It was easier that way, to attempt to convince herself into thinking she didn't hate herself. If she'd been sober in her own company she would've driven herself crazy, she just needed not to feel.

There were dozens of messages on her phone from people who loved her, not that she believed that they had reason to. Each of them just wanted to know that she was okay, and that they had her back. Rebecca told her to take all the time she needed, but also to remember that no man's actions could ever define her worth, Sam offered to bring some food over from the restaurant and watch a classic romcom with her, while Will simply texted 'I'm here if you need a chat, big sis.'

Billie looked up from her half empty glass, feeling several sets of eyes on her as she sat alone. She was met with the faces of two men on the opposite side of the bar, pints in their hands, one wore a Chelsea FC baseball cap, the other a Chelsea training jacket.

"What?" She quipped as they continued to stare at her.

"I told you," One of the men nudged the other with his elbow, filling Billie with anxiety.

"She's a Kent," He nodded with a smug smile.

"That's not a problem is it?" Billie retorted from across the bar.

"Never said it was, princess," One of the men smirked.

"So, you gonna stop looking at me like an animal at some fucking zoo?" Billie took another gulp of her drink.

"Well, we were just wondering how much you'd take to get your kit off," He laughed as though it were nothing.

"Excuse me?" Billie stood up from her stool, her anxiety manifesting as anger, as she steadied herself on the edge of the bar, "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me," He smirked as though it were something to be proud of.

"Say that again, I fucking dare you," Billie lurched forward as anger overtook her senses, but before she could reach the two men, she felt two strong hands gripping her upper arms from behind, "Let go of me!"

"Hey," The person spun her around and she was met with the face of a familiar and trusted friend, the Welshman who she often shared dance moves with on nights out and lip synced enthusiastically in the back seat of Jamie's car on group days out.

"Colin," She whispered as tears filled her eyes and she collapsed into his chest, tears streaming down her cheeks as he held onto her.

"I know, I know, Bils," Colin soothed as he cradled her, "It'll be okay."

Billie wasn't sure it would be okay, Colin had driven her back to his house, and as soon as they crossed the threshold into his house, Billie was stumbling away in search of the nearest bathroom. Which is how she wound up with her head in the toilet bowl as Colin sat beside her, keeping her hair out of her face.

"I'm sorry," Billie whispered as she rested her head on the toilet seat.

"Hey don't be daft," Colin smiled as he sat beside her on the floor, "What have you got to be sorry for?"

"Your lovely clean toilet isn't very lovely or clean anymore," Billie sighed, letting herself laugh just a little.

"That's what the cleaner's for," Colin smiled.

"You footballers and your staff, huh?" Billie hummed, as she glanced at Colin, keeping her head on the edge of the toilet, "Alf has a hoodie like that."

"Right," Colin nodded awkwardly, aware that she was still too drunk to dwell on the matter, "I texted Jamie, let him know that you're okay."

"God, I'm a fucking mess," Billie whispered, "He probably doesn't want anything more to do with me, does he?"

"You couldn't be more wrong, Bils," Colin assured her, "He said he'll give you as much space as you need, he just wants you to be alright."

"He always tells me that I'm special, that he loves me," Billie sat up straight, resting her head against the cold tiled wall, "But today all those men, fucking Brad, the way he gets inside my head...I don't feel very special."

"I wish you could see yourself the way we all see you," Colin smiled reassuringly as he brushed her hair out of her face, because he knew that it wasn't just Jamie that adored her, those boys all saw her as family, she was as much a part of the team as any of them, and as soon as Sam told them about the leak they were devastated for her, they just wanted her to be alright.

"Well, you've seen all of me now," Billie joked, except neither of them laughed.

"None of us looked at it," Colin assured her.

He'd gone to that pub because he needed a drink and wanted to avoid being hounded by Richmond fans. Isaac knew the truth, and reacted in the way that Colin had hoped he wouldn't. He was relieved to be in Billie's company, Billie who he believed was none the wiser about who he really was, and yet he was so comforted by her company, regardless of the state she'd found herself in.

"It's not the photo that hurts the most," Billie sighed as Colin listened intently, "It's that he took it without me knowing and he kept it, it's been nearly three years since I ended it and he still had it...and I wonder why I find trust so fucking hard."

"The way that Brad treated you, that's not indicative of what you deserve, you know that, right?" Colin assured her.

"I didn't two years ago, but then I fell in love with Jamie Tartt," She smiled, "And he turned my world upside down in the best possible way, showed me a standard of love that I never knew was possible."

Colin knew what that felt like, to be loved so wholly. He'd found that for himself and yet it had to exist in the dark, but he wished it didn't, the way that love made him feel, he wished he could shout it from the rooftops.

"Do you think this will ever go away?" Billie whispered.

"Dr Sharon made me see that some problems don't ever really goes away," Colin sighed, "We just learn how to handle it over time, until it becomes smaller and smaller before it's just a tiny little marble we carry around in our pocket."

"She's a smart lady," Billie hummed, making a mental note to book an extra session with Dr Sharon, "I just want to be normal again."

"You've never been normal, Billie," Colin assured her with a fond smile, "You're gold dust, don't forget it."