~read the author's note at the end for future stories~

Chapter 36 ~ Tammy

Even if everything falls apart and you feel like nothing makes sense anymore, life goes on. Life doesn’t wait for you to put the pieces of your soul together. Life doesn’t look back and you have to catch up, even if you have to leave something behind. Sometimes even your own heart.

I’ve learnt that the hard way so I don’t even fight anymore. I don’t complain, I know life it’s not fair. If life were fair, I would’ve had a family that loved me. If life were fair, I would’ve never used Liam. If life were fair, I wouldn’t be the mess I am today. But life is unfair, life is mercilessly and you have to suck it up and go on. If you stay whining behind you’ll only have to run faster to catch up. It’s pointless to cry, you have to move on.

I lost Liam, I made a huge mistake and probably I even lost my heart but I have to go on. I have a job that brings me life. I have people who rely on me in many charities and orphanages, and I have responsibilities. I just can’t stay on my bed, crying over the mistakes I made. I can’t fix the past, I hurt Liam and he will never forget that. He moves on, I’ move on. That’s life. I shed already many tears, there’s no point on doing that anymore.

So I focus on my band, on making music, on making the best video we’ve ever done. I even get Kay to work for us on this video and Janet is so pleased that she is begging Kay to stay with us forever. I swear we’re this close to see Janet on her knees begging Kay to stay. The video is so great that we break records on YouTube. It goes viral and now there’s no country that doesn’t know of us. We’ve even been nominated for the MTV Video Music Awards this year and we’re even going to perform. This is huge in our career and the girls are ecstatic. I just smile and carry on.

Sky looks more alive than what I do, and that’s saying something. I only care about our music and the charities. That’s all I live for. And Ray. Ray is all I have left and I call him every day, making sure he is doing better. He sounds better, at least, happier. He tells me he is making friends at the orphanage and helping other kids. I’m happy for him. If we weren’t as busy as we are, I would’ve gone to visit him by now.

In a few weeks we’ve done so much with the girls, interviews everywhere and our fan base grows every day larger and larger. We’re breaking so many records and we have so much work to do, but I’m grateful for that, it keeps my mind busy.

The only bad thing about this boosted fame is that my parents try to come back again, and I have to pay them even more this time, just to keep them away, so they won’t sell me to the magazines that are desperate trying to find more about us. It’s a great thing I changed my surname when I signed with Janet. She protects me… she won’t let the media know about my past. It will always be a secret.

“Let’s go clubbing, Tammy!” Leanne begs me like she’s been doing for so long. “The VMAs are next week and we’ve been nominated! We’re going to America! C’mon, come with us!”

I wiggle my way out of her embrace and grab my guitar. “I’m not in the mood. Plus, tomorrow I have to get up early,” I tell her in my monotone voice. I don’t even bother to be sarcastic anymore.

People have noticed that I’m not the same. The hosts in TV shows ask me why I’m acting so cold now and where all the bitchy comments went. I just say I don’t care anymore and I make sure to be as rude as I can so they will leave me alone. Leanne and Emma steal all the attention, they are on the spotlight now, happy because they don’t have to compete against me anymore. Sky and I stay behind, just making music. The best music ever.

“You’re no fun, Tammy! You used to love going out with us. C’mon! If you’re still hurt by what happened with Liam this—”

“Don’t,” I cut her off because even today hearing his name hurts. All the hosts and magazines are forbidden to ask me about Liam, it’s the only condition under which I accept to give an interview now. “Don’t even mention him,” I growl and Leanne steps back, her eyes showing pity. “I have things to do. I don’t care about partying anymore.”

And I leave, in a terrible mood, I may add. But it’s true, I have important things to do tomorrow and I can’t go out if I want to give a good impression with the social workers. I have an interview tomorrow to see my application to adopt Ray. Tomorrow is a decisive day and I’m shaking, so I try to stay focused. I know that if I were with Liam he would keep me calm, he would hug me and tell me I’ll be fine, that I’ll convince them I’m the best to take care of Ray. But he is not with me anymore and no matter how much it hurts, he will never be back and I have to do this alone. Alone, how I’ve been my whole life, but I won’t let Ray go through that, too.

+ + + + +

The next morning I’m actually shaking but I try to control it. I dress in a costume, but I have to look like a responsible adult. It’s a great thing that I look older than I really am. So I’m in a suit, with skirt, high heels, blouse all those things. It’s uncomfortable as hell, but for Ray I do anything.

Marlene is in the office, because she is in charge of Ray’s case. Next to her in the modest office with the necessary furniture and without a personal touch, Johanna is looking at me. “Nice to meet you, Miss Rodenhizer,” Johanna greets me with a handshake.

“Pleasure is all mine,” I reply politely and take seat. I’m so nervous I think I may throw up, but I’m an expert at pretending and looking confident. I can trick her. Marlene smiles at me encouragingly. I know she thinks I can take care of Ray, she knows how much I love him and the bond we have, but she doesn’t have the last word.

“We’re here to discuss your application. We want you to know, Miss Rodenhizer, that we only want the best for all the kids, Ray included. We are here to make sure he has the best home, that’s why we take this seriously.” The way she keeps using the pronoun we makes all so impersonal, but I understand why she does that. “We’ve analysed your papers thoroughly, examining every possibility, studying you. You have had already a few interviews with some of our workers.” I nod, because I’ve had a few interviews with some psychologists already. “Again, we only do this to grant the best option to Ray Jones.”

“I only want the best for him. I want him to have a home,” I state confidently and Johanna smiles.

“He will have the best home,” she smiles at me and hope rises in my chest. “And that’s why I’ll be straightforward with you, Miss Rodenhizer. You are in no place to adopt a thirteen-year-old boy. We’re conscious of your bond with the boy, but you’re not the right person,” she tells me and I see everything falling around me… again. I knew this was an option, but seeing it come true is completely different. “I’m so sorry, but we only want the best for him. You’re too instable. You have a job that keeps you outside the country and busy all the time, a job that exposes your already damaged image, which will only expose Ray, too. You’re too young to take care of him and you’re not settled. You don’t even have a room for him in your flat.”

“I can buy a new flat!” I exclaim, desperate and Marlene is wincing, knowing that this doesn’t help my case. Johanna shakes he head.

“That’s not the point, Miss Rodenhizer. We know you love the boy and he loves you, but you’re not the mother he needs. You can’t be his mother right now; you can only be his friend. You can be his older sister, but not his mother. All the psychological profiles show your instable behaviour and we’ve even analysed your public appearances. You have shown this in your late interviews, how you can’t compromise and how you simply don’t care. We can’t grant you Ray’s custody if you act like this.”

“But Ray… I love him, I can be all what he needs. He needs a family!” I cry out and Johanna shakes her head again. Marlene has to stand up and come to me, to put me down again because I’ve risen to my feet, desperate.

“Tammy, please, sit down,” Marlene coaxes me and I have to cover my mouth to keep the sobs inside.

“Your behaviour has only become more erratic in the past month. I’m sorry, but we can’t put Ray Jones under your custody.”

“But that’s because I’m in a rough patch! This will happen and I’ll be better!” I protest. I know I haven’t been the same, that I changed since Liam broke up with me, but that’s apart, that has nothing to do with Ray.

“If you can’t keep yourself together after a breakup, because yes, we’re conscious of your episode with the other celebrity and believe me, that only played against you, how can we trust you with Ray’s future? I’m really sorry, Miss Rodenhizer. You can visit him whenever you want, help him. You can be his godmother, but you can’t be his mother and that is final.”

“No, please, don’t do this!” I beg standing up again and Marlene has to grab me in her arms this time. “Please, I swear I can do better. I’ll do anything for Ray, just please!”

“I’m sorry,” is all what she says and Marlene walks me out of the office.

Once the door is closed I freeze. I don’t feel anything; I can’t even blink. I’m in shock and I start to shake as I realise it’s over. I tried and failed, I failed Ray. I didn't get his custody, I couldn’t adopt him. Now he is trapped in the orphanage and soon he’ll be sent with foster parents. How is he going to be better off with foster parents than with me? No. No, just no.

“I’m so sorry, Tammy. But you knew the chances of you winning this case were almost impossible,” Marlene tries to comfort me but I snap at her.

“You don’t have a fucking idea! Ray will be better with me than he will ever be with foster parents! You think you’ve helped him but you didn’t! You should’ve done something, you know he’d be better off with me!”

“I tried but I don’t control this, Tammy. I know you would take care of him, but I’m just a worker here, I have no say in the matter,” she looks really broken, but I don’t care.

I shove her off and walk away. All this was in vain. Ray is still part of the system whilst the son of a bitch of his father rots in jail for being an arsehole. I hope that bastards suffer for what he did to Ray, for the faith he shaped for his son.

I get in my car and take off the shoes and blazer, getting rid of this stupid costume. I let my hair fall loose and I fight to calm myself down, but I can’t. All hopes are crushed, everything ended. Ray was the only good thing left in my life and I lost him. I lost his case and I failed him. The only reason I had to keep fighting is lost.

I rest my head on the wheel and try to breathe again, trying to organise my thoughts. I can’t cry over this, I can’t break down and give up now. Life won’t stop for me. I still have the band, I still have my music and although I can’t adopt Ray, maybe I can help so he can get emancipated at sixteen and then we can be together. I can be next to him, helping him as much as I can. I may not be able to adopt him, but I won’t abandon him.

I start the ignition and drive to the orphanage where he is staying. Janet gave me this whole day and I’ll make it count. I’ll go seeing Ray because I still have him somehow. Not the way I wanted him, but he is still here. I failed him once, and I won’t fail him twice.

When I get to the orphanage, after I stop to buy some decent clothes, and I ask for Ray, they look at me with confused expressions, until they get that I’m Tammy, the girl who always calls. And they finally bring Ray. When he sees me there, waiting for him, and I see him after so long, I swear I feel like a part of my heart has come back to life. I run to hug him and he does the same. I hold on to him so tightly I fear I may hurt him, but he doesn’t complain.

“I’ve missed you so much!” I exclaim and he hugs me tighter.

“Me, too. I’ve missed everyone,” he tells me and only then we break the embrace. He has his eyes all teary but he smiles, and that warms up my heart.

“Everyone misses you. Roxy and everyone else sends love, Rose even did this for you,” I tell him taking a card the little Rose made for him and gave to me to hand to Ray the other day when I went to You Matter.

Ray looks at the card and smiles wider. “I miss her,” he confesses and I ruffle his hair. “It’s not that terrible here, I’ve got used to it. A bit,” he tells me with a smile and take a deep breathe. At least he is better here than what he was with his father, that’s for sure.

“I’m glad. And you’ll tell me everything because today we’ll spend the whole day together. I have many things to tell you, too,” I tell him and his smile sis precious.

“Great! We definitely need a heart-to-heart because you look really sad, Tammy,” he tells me and I press my lips together in a tight white line.

“Sometimes you’re too perceptive for your sweet age.” I laugh. “Let’s go, then. What do you think about ice-cream?”

“I’m all up for that,” he agrees and like that, we leave to spend the whole day together.

-:-:-:-

I said this in B&S, but for those who don't read that story: 

About the FUTURE! Both B&S and MQ will have epilogues, of course! I'll post those once I finish posting UNWONTED. After UW I'll start other TWO stories: Call Me Ella (Niall Horan) and The Comeback (Liam Payne).

Dedication to @YnseGBergans. I'm flattered you consider me inpirational. Thanks.

Bel, xx