Chapter 34 ~ Tammy 

No. No. No. No. No. This isn’t happening. No. This wasn’t supposed to be like this. No. I just. Oh God, no. Please, no.

I pace across my room, running my hands desperately through my hair, fighting to keep breathing, to stay calm but I can’t. I know what I said for that interview, but I never expected I would be in love with Liam, I never thought this was going to happen. When I called the paparazzi the first times I never imagined it was going to come back to bite me in the arse. No. I never suspected this would end up like this. I had even forgotten about the whole magazine! I was just being so happy, I was living a life that I never thought I could have. I had Liam and I was happy with him… but I ruined it. I ruined it since the moment I met him.

Oh God, no.

My knees fail me and I end up on the floor, shaking but I don’t cry, the shock makes me numb as I try to make sense of all what just happened. Liam… us… it’s over. He said it. It’s over. I always knew it wasn't going to last forever, but I didn't think it was going to be so brief. I thought we were going to have more time. I hurt him, I betrayed him, I made him hate him and yes, I deserve that for being the arse I am, for being so stupid. I did use him, I just didn’t care enough about him at the beginning to think of my actions. Grimmy said he was famous and that I could get something with that. I never thought I was going to feel like this… I never thought my actions when I met him were going to weigh now on my shoulders.

I knew I was going to eventually lose him, but I didn’t think it was going to hurt like this. I— I feel like a hand came with claws and grabbed my heart, ripping it off of my chest mercilessly and now I’m bleeding out. I’m empty inside, there’s a hole where my heart used to be and I don’t know what to do now. I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop hyperventilating and I know how dangerous that is. And I have no one to call. Liam would be the only person I trust to see me like this… but it’s over. It’s over.

“Oh fuck!” My hands fly to my open as a sob escapes and the shock starts to leave room for the heart-breaking pain… and the tears.

What am I going to do now? Liam brought life and light to my life and now he is gone, and he took it all with him. I don’t even have Ray with me! All what has brought me a tad bit of happiness is gone now and I’m alone, alone in this black pit that is eating me alive. I feel like screaming but I can’t, I’m only sobbing, shaking as everything starts to spin around and I start to get dizzy.

Bruno left me when he chose the drugs over me. Ray left me because Social Services took him away. Liam left me because I stabbed him in the back. Out of the three, Liam hurts me the most and I can’t accept this. I can’t see him walk away. I can’t let him go but how do I fix this? How can I apologise to him? How?!

I bury my face in my hands as the spams take control over my body.

So much loss, so much pain, so much loneliness. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been alone for twenty-one years, I’ve only known hatred and disappointment and I can’t bare the idea of Liam looking at me like that. I’ve lost Bruno, I’ve lost Ray and I may not get him back… I can’t also lose Liam. I just can’t.

I didn’t mean this… I didn’t want to hurt him. I warned him, I told him I was bad for him but he didn’t listen and I fell for him and I let him in and I can’t let him go now and I don’t know what to do and I’m freaking out!

I feel like running but I can’t move. All my muscles are frozen and nothing makes sense anymore. What I’ve done… I— I never wanted this to happen.

I can’t lose Liam. I can’t… I just can’t.

+ + + + +

I’m not sure what happened last night. I have a blackout and all I know is that I’m laying on the floor and my head is killing me, but the pain in my chest is worse, far worse and as I remember why, it becomes unbearable.

I grab my phone and I try to call him, but his mobile is out of reach. I stand up and start pacing again, forcing my mind to work, to think of a way to fix this. I can’t live with this hole in my chest. I’ve lost so much, I can’t lose anything else and especially not the only person who makes me this happy. I won’t lose Liam because I may not have a family, I may not have love, I may not be a good person… but I can love him and he is the best that has happened to me, and I need him back. I have to fight for him. He is good, he can forgive me for the stupid mistakes I made when we met.

I’m not the best person for him, I know that, I bet he would be better with that blonde friend of his… but no one will ever love him like I do. No one will need him like I do. I may be stupid and make the most foolish mistakes, but I’m his. All I am is his.

I grab my macbook and buy a ticket. I know he is in Poland for the following days and I need to talk to him, explain the things as they are. I can’t wait until he comes back. I’ll go there, prove him how much this means to me, how much he means to me… and we’ll fix this. We have to fix it.

I don’t call Janet nor any of the girls, I even turn off my phone and I leave to the airport. I have to be there as soon as possible, I need to see him and explain him what really happened.

I know this is crazy, but no one understands the desperation burning in my soul. I’ve lost so much and I can’t take it anymore. If flying to Poland and chasing him is what I have to do just so he won’t hate me anymore, then so be it. I can’t let Liam hate me and there must be a way to fix this.

My mind is absolute chaos during the fly and all those hours at the airport. I swear I’m like a zombie and it’s a miracle I didn’t kill myself by accident, but I make it to Poland. It’s not hard to find where Liam is staying and where they will have a gig that very night.

I’m lucky that his security team already knows me so I don’t have problem getting inside, although it’s a miracle they recognise me. I can see my reflection and I don’t see myself on the mirror. I practically feel naked. I’m just wearing a white top and worn-out jeans with black All-star. No make up and my hair is flat, lifeless… like I feel. What I look like right now is the roughest version of myself, no masks this time. I’ve never let anyone but Liam to see me like this, I’ve always covered myself, I’ve always protected myself from the others. I’ve never allowed them to see weakness, but now I am… I am exposing myself like I have never done before.

When I get to the dressing room, only Lou is there with her daughter, playing and when she sees me I see the disgust in her features.

She knows.

“He’s not around,” she spats and she gives her back on me, keeping Lux away from me. Lux looks at me over the shoulder of her mother and reaches to me with her hands, but Lou stops her. “Haven’t you done enough already? What are you doing now?” She demands to know and I hug myself, my backpack is on the floor, with the almost non-existent things I brought with me.

“I need to explain him… it’s not like he thinks. I came to— I can’t lose him, Lou. Not Liam, too,” My voice breaks and I have to cover my mouth to keep the sobs to myself. But Lou notices this and turns to see me again, her expression softening. “I didn’t mean this…”

“Tammy,” she says right in the moment the door opens and people burst into the room. I try to put myself together and look strong, but I know I fail.

My eyes find Liam immediately and I see his shock but then it turns to disappointment and pain. And seeing him like that is killing me because it’s my fault. I did that… I stabbed him. Even if I didn’t mean it, I did it. “Liam,” I call in a whisper but he looks away. I notice how Harry, Zayn and Niall —Louis is not around— step in front of Liam, protecting him from… well, from me.

“Lads, let’s go outside. They need to talk,” Lou intervenes and we all look at her surprised, and she stares at me. “You better have a good explanation prepared,” adds the make-up artist walking outside with her daughter and other three boys following her.

The worst part? I don’t have a good explanation prepared. “What are you doing here, Tammy?” Liam asks in a cold tone that cuts deeps. “I told you it’s over.”

“I know,” I step forward and he looks away, tense. “But hear me out, please. I came here, like you can see me, because I can’t lose you, too, Liam.” He doesn’t say anything but I take a deep breath and I hug myself. “First, you need to know I never expected this to happen. I swear, I never wanted to hurt you. That was the last thing I ever wanted and I’m so sorry. But believe me, if I could go back and stop myself from saying those things to the magazine, I totally would. It happened even after Ray was hospitalised. If I had known by then how much you were going to mean to me, I would’ve never told them that.”

“But you did,” he accuses and I gulp, because it’s true, and he is hurting, I see it so clearly. “You told me you were using me, which is true.”

“Not like that!” I hurry to say and try to reach him, to take his hand but he shoves me off immediately.

That movement is like a slap across my face. Like all those times my father hit me with the back of his hand, the rings burying into my very skin, leaving me bleeding. And even then, when I would end up unconscious on the floor… even then it didn’t hurt like this.

“When that interview took place I barely knew you and what I felt for you… I couldn’t accept what I was feeling for you so I said you were nothing to me because I wanted to believe that and I didn’t want anyone to know I was starting to care about you and your opinion,” I confess not only to him but to myself. If I hope he will forgive me, then I have to be completely honest. “And I didn’t say I was using you, I just said you were great publicity, which you are, for anything! You bring attention to whatever you touch. I just tried to keep you as that and nothing else and I just preferred those to be my words and not theirs. I knew they would twist them and make it sound like that even if I didn’t say it…” He still doesn't look at me and I’m starting to lose hope. “I never meant to use you, Liam.”

“But you did. Okay, I get what you did with the magazine and whatever, you were in denial and all that crap. Okay, I get it!” He spats, his eyes burning with rage when this time he looks at me. “I don’t care about the magazine! But you did call the paparazzi when we met. That first date and then in Manchester. You told them where we were, Tammy. You sold our dates just to get some press, to bring more interviews.”

I look down because that’s true. I called them…

“I’m sorry, I— I didn't know you, I didn't care about you back then. I didn’t want to care about you. Calling the paparazzi meant nothing to me. Before I met you dates were nothing to me, people were nothing to me,” I confess in whispers, hugging myself so tightly that I know I’ll have bruises tomorrow. “I didn’t think I was going to care for you, Liam. I never thought you would become the most important person in my life. I never imagined you were going to bring me back to life!”

I look up to meet his eyes but he looks away again, all his body tense. “You used me.” His words hurt so badly because they are true… I used him.

“And I regret every second. I’ll never forgive myself for doing that, Liam, but I’m sorry! I swear I didn’t mean it. I never thought that after that gig I was going to see you again. I never thought this was going to matter. It brought press to you and to me, I thought both were benefiting from it.”

“That wasn’t what I wanted, Tammy,” he tells me and I shake my head.

“I know… now I know, but I didn’t by then. I’m sorry, Liam. Please, you need to know I’m sorry and I’ll do whatever you want me to do to prove you how sorry I am. I just can’t lose you, too,” I beg and this time I manage to take his hand and he doesn’t shove me off and for a second I hold my breath. “I’ll do whatever you need to prove you I’m sorry. Just name it.” And I wait, because I’ll do anything, except losing him.

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Dedication to @buscandoanemo because you are an amazing reader. Thank you. Also, @MalenaInesOlguin Good luck on the hospital! I hope everything turns out okay.

Bel, xx