Chapter 28 ~ Tammy

He’s been away two days but I miss him terribly. I never thought it would be possible for me to feel like this, but here I am, checking my phone all the time, waiting for a text. Talking to him gives me strengths to keep fighting, to put myself together and get back to my life as I know it.

Ray is not here anymore, but I get to talk to him. I found out the orphanage where he is staying and I call there and because I talked to Marlene, the people in that orphanage allow me to speak to him. They say I can call only once a day. I make him promise me that he will try his hardest to make it work and that he has to hope for the best. I don’t tell him about my plans on trying to adopt him because I don’t want him get disappointed later if it doesn’t work out.

I’ve always known one thing in my life for sure and that’s I want to be a mother, and not any mother, I want to be a good mother. I want to love my child with all my soul, to give that little creature everything so he or she will always feel important. I would never make her or him feel unwanted like I felt. I would be all what my parents weren’t with me. That has always been my biggest dream, even bigger than my career. So I know if I adopt Ray I would give him everything, I would do anything to mend his past and give him the love his father hasn’t given him. I just hope this works. I’m not afraid of becoming a mother now, as long as he is safe. It wasn’t my plan to become a mum now, but for Ray I would do it.

To keep my mind out of this, I go back to work. Ray is always in my mind, but I know that I have to wait before applying for the adoption. And whilst I wait, I keep myself busy with the band. Janet already told us all the things she has prepared for us, all the places we’re going to visit and how much we’ll work on our second album. The idea is to make it even better so it would take us outside the UK.

Although I pay attention to everything our manager say, I’m texting Liam all the time, giggling even when I try to control myself. Joking with him—pff, just talking to him makes me happy. I wish he were here but just like I have to focus on my band, he has to do the same and right now he has to be in Rome, recording videos of how Kay yells at Louis for being a dick.

Man, that was funny. Poor Kay though. I bet she doesn’t even have a date with him but she said that only to make him more jealous so he would accept his feelings. Kay is so transparent. And so is Louis.

Emma and Leanne won’t stop teasing me about this whole thing with Liam. Emma even stole my phone just to text Liam! That whore. I know my bite still hurts and I’m glad. Even Sky laughs at me for texting Liam and they have been making fun out of me the whole day.

“I can’t believe this day’s finally come! Our little Tammy is finally becoming a girl!” Leanne dramatises and I roll my eyes.

“I’ve always been a girl,” I state matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, but an awful girl with no manners and who acts more like a boy than like a girl,” she corrects and I roll my eyes again. Okay, it’s true I am not the girliest chick around, but I’m not that bad. “And you would never giggle ‘cos you got a text from a guy. That’s pretty epic and I feel like crying.” The blonde takes her hand to her chest and dramatically wipes invisible tears away.

“You’re being foolish,” I tell them but I betray myself when I get another text from Liam and the smile comes to my lips without asking me first.

LOUIS JUST INFORMED US THAT WE’RE PLAYING FOOTBALL AGAINST DAVE. I THINK HE WENT MAD ALREADY —NOOB

I DON’T FEEL LIKE PLAYING FOOTBALL THOU. I THINK I’M COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING :( —NOOB

I immediately get worried. After all what we been trough the last week, I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a cold or something. Surely, his defences are lower than usual and he may have caught a virus or something.

R U FEELING POORLY? HAVE U SEEN A DOCTOR? —TAMMY

I ask him and wait for the answer, ignoring my band mates who keep making fun of me. Right now I’m more concerned about Liam’s health than anything else.

I MAY GO SEE 1… I THINK I HAVE A FEVER —NOOB

I feel bad and worried sick immediately. I made him go through so much and he got worn out and that must be the reason why he got sick. I hope it’s only a cold or something as harmless as that. I hate that he is in another country while feeling like this, because if he were here with me, I could take care of him and somehow repay him for all what he’s done.

GO & LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES, OK? —TAMMY

By when I look at my band mates again, even Sky is smiling sheepishly at me and they are holding back the laughter. I know that. So I just sigh and close my eyes as they start the teasing again. I just make sure my phone is out of their reach.

+ + + + +

I’m trying to take a nap when my phone goes off telling me I have a new text. Since Liam left I haven’t been able to sleep because my flat feels even emptier than before, colder and lonelier; and when I’m in my bed I feel like that emptiness is choking me. I can’t believe how much a person can change a place. Liam’s presence made my flat feel like a home for a few days and now that he is not around, it is really depressing.

SAW A DOCTOR & I GOT A COLD. HE SAID I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OR IT’LL GET WORSE —NOOB

Reading his text wakes me up immediately. I wasn’t really sleeping, I was tossing and turning but I was kind of groggy, so the text brings me completely back. Colds suck but a cold during summer and while you’re on tour… yeah, there’s nothing worse than that.

I type an answer but delete it and call him. It’s going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. He picks up at the second tone and his voice sounds a tad-bit hoarse already. “Hey there,” he greets and I smile. I’ve missed his voice.

Wow… I sound so pathetic.

“Hi. How are you feeling?” I ask getting more comfortable on my bed. “Are you in your room?”

“Not terrible but not great, either. And yeah, in my room while everyone is outside having fun. Louis is not please that I’m sick,” he tells me and I hear him chuckle.

“Well, we won’t be pleased if he makes you play because I’ll kick him in the balls this time,” I say speaking very seriously. I hear him chuckle again, but I really mean it. If Louis forces Liam to play even when he needs to get rest, I’ll make him suffer. “Is someone else with you?” I ask wishing I could be with him.

“Nah, everyone is having fun and I’m all alone,” is his answer and I smile because I see him doing his puppy face. He has serious issues with that.

“Poor Noob, has no one to look after him,” I say but my tone is pure mockery and I hear him chuckle before he answers.

“My soul is crushed!” I laugh at his antics. “I don’t even have my mum.” And at that I laugh even harder. “Oi! Don’t laugh. I’m here with a high fever and feeling really bad and you laugh at me? How could you, Tammy Rodenhizer?” He scolds me and I try to hold back my laughter.

“I’m so sorry… do you want me to go there to take care of you?” I say, half-joking, half-seriously because I really wish I could be with him and help him out here. I know it’s not a big deal, it’s just a cold and he’ll be better in a couple of days, but he has done so much for me… I just want to do something for him, too.

I hear him sigh deeply. “I wish you could. I actually miss you,” he tells me and I feel something twisting inside of me. I’ve missed him so much, but I can’t make myself tell him that, although I’m sure he knows it. “I haven’t been this anxious to go back home in a long time.”

I know that if I were in his position, that if I were the one with a cold and in another country, Liam would fly just to see me and make sure I’m doing fine. He is just that kind.

“Can you imagine they way your friends would react if they see me there?” I try to say more lightly because the humorous atmosphere we had built disappeared.

He chuckles, but it doesn’t sound as before. “Nothing would confuse them more,” Liam replies and I sigh, because I can actually imagine it.

I know they don’t like me, that’s not a surprise. They would never approve of Liam and I, because seriously? Who would want a girl like me with their best mate? I’m pretty positive that if they knew what’s going on between us, they would try to talk him out of it. It’s not like it’s official or anything, but there’s something between us and for as long as I can, I’ll hold on to Liam and won’t let him go.

“They would get an aneurysm,” I say but none of us laugh. It’s not funny anymore. “But seriously, I wish I could be there. I would make you soup.” A smile plays on my lips and I hear him sigh but he doesn’t say anything. “Well… I guess I gotta go. Talk to you later and feel better, Noob.”

“Later, Tammy,” he says goodbye and we hang up and as I keep staring at my screen I start to wonder how troublesome it would be if I just buy a ticket and go to Italy right now.

Janet would go ballistic because we’re supposed to have an interview in two days to keep promoting and we have to keep working on our album. Liam’s friends would find out about us. Probably loads of people would find out…

But I would see him, I would get to do something for him and start to repay my debt. It’s just a couple of days, right? I would be here soon and I bet I still can work on a song or something while I’m there, I wouldn’t just forget my job, I would just try to do it while I take care of Liam.

I know… I know it’s just a cold and he doesn’t really need me with him, but I really want to go.

“Ah, screw it,” I blurt out and I grab my laptop just to buy a plane ticket as soon as possible and when I make the purchase, I take my phone and call Janet. Now the hard part. “Hey Janet! How are you? I hope you’re doing lovely! I just called to tell you I’m leaving to Italy tomorrow morning so I won’t be able to make it for the interview. That’s all. Have a great day!” I’m about to hang up when I hear her scream.

“Tammy! You can’t just do that. Why Italy? I mean how? What? Are you mental?” She sounds like she is freaking out… she most likely is.

“Yeah… Liam is sick so I’m flying to see him and take care of him. Just as much as he did for me these past few days. I think it’s fair,” I explain as simply as I can and I hear weird sounds. Is she drowning?

“No. Just no, Tammy. You have responsibilities here, you just can’t ditch us,” she scolds me and I roll my eyes.

“Liam had responsibilities, tour dates in Germany and France and he ditched them just for me. I’m sure I can do the same,” I protest. No matter what she says, I’m determined to do this.

“Tammy—”

“No, Janet. I’m doing this. I’m sorry, but this is important to me. You don’t understand what he has done for me. Going to see him now it’s the least I could do and I know staying here it’s important, but right now, he is more important.” Janet doesn’t say anything and I can only hear her sighing. “I promise I’ll come back with a few songs, okay?”

“I hope you won’t regret this, Tammy.” I won’t, I say in my head and I hang up. I’ve made a decision and I know I’m right.

After I finish my conversation with Janet, I start to pack. Just a few things, I’ll be there for a couple the days only. And while I’m at that, I text Liam.

IT SEEMS LIKE UR FRIENDS WILL GET AN ANEURYSM AFTER ALL. I’M GOING —TAMMY

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I'm sorry for the capitals for the texts, it's just to give different formant. On my word document it looks better.

Dedication to @ccopephotography and @onlyslightlyobsessed for making a bunch of accounts just to get the 2K votes. Thank you!

Bel, xx