Chapter 27 ~ Liam

Leaving London, and Tammy, feels weird. It’s been only a week, but it feels so much longer. What we’ve been through is something so intense you just can’t ignore it happened and now that I’m away from her, from the hospital and everything else, I feel how every moment has drained me. I’m so exhausted but I can’t really sleep. You know when you are so tired so you can’t sleep yet that’s all what you want to do? Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. Plus, I’m worried and I can’t help it. I wonder if Tammy is doing okay. I know she is strong, I know she is capable of everything, but I know it must be hard and she’s been alone for so long… I don’t want her to be alone anymore. I want to be there for her every minute.

I know I’ve fallen for her. I started long time ago, since I saw her smiling at the kids at You Matter, but this time we shared, when she showed me every part of her being only made me fall harder and it’s tough not having her around. I wish everyone could see how beautiful she is, how lonely and broken she really is and how everything she does is just to protect herself.  But I know no one else will see that, because she will never allow it and no matter what I do, I will never erase everything that her family did to her. I can’t fix her past, but I can give her a better future.

I am scared, though. I’m afraid that when I come back, she will raise walls and won’t let me come in. I’m afraid that all what we’ve accomplished by now will disappear when I come back. I know it’s hard to tell whether we are together or not. In my book, we are. I don’t need to ask her to be my girlfriend to feel like she is and I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate if I do so. I know we’re not exactly friends and we’re beyond acquaintances; but I can’t be sure if she’ll let me hug her, kiss her when I come back. To be honest, I don’t know if I can go back to the way we were. After these days when we could be around each other so comfortably, being a couple, I can’t act different from that. After kissing her like that I can’t just ignore what happened and go back to distant people who only share a charity they support.

Tammy is so much more than what I ever imagined, so complex, so different, so special and maybe the fact that no one really understands her is what makes her so unique to me and I feel privileged that she shared with me things that she hasn’t told anyone else. It makes me feel special. But I’m afraid that just to protect herself and keep fighting, she will have to push me away.

When I finally land in Paris and Paul is waiting for me, all I want to do is sleep. I’m knackered and I feel like I haven’t slept in months and all I need is a bed. I miss Tammy and it was different to sleep with her. We never did anything but sleep. It just wasn’t the time to get that into the moment.

I know the lads will ask me loads of things, especially about Tammy, but I don’t think I can nor I want to answer. I know they don’t like her, so I don’t wanna fight with them. I don’t think I can stand people criticising her after all what she’s been through. She doesn’t deserve those comments but I can’t tell them why. Plus, Tammy asked me not to tell them and I respect that. I wish I didn’t have to do this, I wish I could tell them that there’s something between Tammy and I now, but I don’t want them trying to talk me out of this. I don’t want to explain them why I feel like this for her. I don’t understand it either, I just know I actually love her and it’s different from how I’ve felt before, because it has never been like this. I just don’t only feel like I want her and need her next to me, I also feel like I have to keep her safe from everything, I feel like I want to be the light in her life, the shelter she needs, that person she can call whenever she feels upset. I want to be for there like no one has ever been. And overall, I want to be her happiness because when she is happy, I am happy as well.

After avoiding the lads at the lobby and finally walking into my room, I take my phone and still a bit wary, I text Tammy.

I GOT SAFE & SOUND JUST TIRED —LIAM

I don’t actually expect a reply, in fact I just do this in case. For that reason, I’m really surprised when I get a text from her.

I’M GLAD! U IN THE HOTEL ALREADY? EVERYTHING OK? —TAMMY

I can’t help smile at her text and I didn’t know until then how much I wanted her to reply and to prove me that not because now I’m in another country she won’t talk to me again.

YEAH. GONNA GO 2 BED & SLEEP A BIT. U OK? —LIAM

I throw myself at the bed and kick off my shoes as I wait for her answer. Soon, my mobile goes off telling me I’ve got a new text.

TIRED 2 BUT I DON’T THINK I CAN SLEEP… IT’S HARD WHEN U’R NOT HERE —TAMMY

My heart actually melts when I read that text and I know I’m smiling like an idiot, but I can’t help it. Although I’m here, she is still the same. Open and sincere. Tammy has always been honest, but she doesn’t share how she feels and the fact that she actually is kind of telling me she misses me means the world to me.

I MISS U 2 —LIAM

I should stop grinning.

AND U GOT CHEESY AGAIN, NOOB. U NEED 2 STOP ;) —TAMMY

I laugh as I type my response, feeling a bit better now that I’m talking to her.

OH HUSH, U LIKE ME ANYWAYS —LIAM

I ONLY LIKE UR 6PACK —TAMMY

I’m laughing at her silly response. I know she is only joking and it’s great she is, it shows she is doing better, it shows how she is coming back to her normal self. I like when she is soft and frail, but I also love her when she is tough and rude. It’s a part of herself and she is funny once you learn her sense of humour is just really dark. Once you learn her insults are only jokes and you laugh at that, too; things get really easier.

GET REST. I HAVE A INTERVIEW & A GIG SO TTYL —LIAM

I tell her that because I’m really tired, although I don’t want to stop talking to her.

U 2 AND JUST SO U CAN SLEEP WELL…YEAH, I MISS U —TAMMY

And with that, I fall asleep with a huge grin on my face and although I miss having her in my arms, protecting her, I do get rest and I feel better for the rest of the day and the nice surprise is that Tammy and I keep texting each other during the whole day and that only makes everything better. She tells me how she is still struggling but she’ll go back to work tomorrow just to keep her mind busy and that soon she’ll present all the papers to adopt Ray. She also tells me how she’s managed to talk to him and he is doing better but he still doesn’t like there and he wishes he could go back to the charity. I honestly don’t think they will give Ray to Tammy, the odds are really against her, but I wish her the best. And I will support her through everything. I’ll be there for her.

+ + + + +

Some things have changed while I was with Tammy. For instance Louis and Alex quit the divorce thing and they are a married couple again. I can’t say happy because Louis is still having problems. The lad told me about the episode with the fans the other day and it worries us a lot that he is managing his anger like this. Yes, we know we have to let him be and give him time, but it’s so hard when we see him acting so wrong. If he only hated on Eleanor it would be more reasonable, but everyone? Seriously? We are where we are because of the fans, he can’t just avoid them and be mean to them because some of them have made things harder for him.

I’m honestly starting to believe that Louis doesn’t actually hate all women, he just doesn’t know how to handle his fear and he takes hatred because it’s easier to handle than a heartbreak. And he holds on to his hatred towards women just because generalisations are more comfortable than accepting we’re all different.

Kay told us to leave him alone, that she’ll push him enough so we don’t need to insist, we just have to be as normal as we can around him, that way he’ll feel comfortable to be himself and won’t be defensive. She really cares about him and although at the beginning I thought it was a game for her and that she didn’t really take this seriously, now I know that just as I want the best for Tammy, she wants the best for Louis. I wish her luck. I’ve already crossed the wall —this wall will never break, but I could jump to the other side— but Kay is fighting to destroy Louis’ shields so anyone can get to him, not only her. Her work is way harder than mine and I already did the worse part. I’m not even that afraid with Tammy because we keep in touch.

GOOD LUCK ON UR INTERVIEW 2DAY. I’M AT THE STUDIO WITH THE GIRLS —TAMMY

Her texts light up my mood. And I’m not lying when I say we keep texting each other all the time, I know the lads have noticed this, but I don’t tell them anything. For now what happens between Tammy and I only concerns us. I won’t expose her to their judgment.

THANKS! ROME IS GREAT, HAVE U BEEN HERE? I BET LEANNE WOULD LOVE IT—LIAM

Like that, we speak about different things. She has never come to Rome, but soon she will. I know that Prodigy will be the obsession of everyone in no time. Soon, Prodigy will be just like us, waiting to have an interview in an important Italian show.

LIAAAAAAM! OMG U’R SO SEXY I MISS U SO MUCH COME 2 ME NOW!!! —TAMMY

I frown at that text before I get another.

THAT WAS EMMA… JUST SO U KNOW, I BIT HER 4 TAKING MY PHONE. AND I’D NEVER SAY OMG —TAMMY

I laugh out loud while Lou is still working on my hair and she raises her eyebrows at me but I ignore her as I reply to Tammy.

JUST ACCEPT THAT U ACTUALLY THINK I’M SEXY —LIAM

IT’S ONLY UR 6PACK! DON’T FLATTER URSELF —TAMMY

It’s so easy to joke with her now and it makes me miss her even more, because I’d love to hug her right now, just to make her feel more embarrassed because I bet her cheeks are all flushed, after Emma sent that text. Oh, Leanne and Emma will never let her hear the end of this. I’m glad the lads haven’t tried to snatch my phone to see whom I’m texting so much.

After a while, we have the interview and it goes nicely, but Louis is acting weird… well, weirder than usual. He is glaring daggers at Kay and he is not really paying attention to the interview. I have to elbow him when he doesn’t even acknowledge the question the host is asking him. Once the interview is over, he marches to where Kay was watching the interview and we follow him, trying to understand what’s happening. Only then I notice Kay is with another guy, the same Italian boy who was in the show before us. She introduces him as Dave and he seems really nice, like a good lad, but Louis is picturing his death in his head. I can feel that.

Could it be that Louis is jealous? But he keeps repeating how he doesn’t like Kay and he doesn’t care about her.

I chuckle because this only proves how much he does care.

“Well, have fun with your new boyfriend,” he says and leaves. That rude.

Kay is in shock and Dave looks confused. We’re confused, too. Louis is supposed to hate all girls, not lads as well. “Is he okay?” Dave asks with a thick Italian accent.

Kay replies in Italian and they have a little conversation. I don’t understand what they are saying, but I’m sure she is apologising for what Louis did. I feel like apologising, to be honest.  He really seems a good guy and I’m pretty positive Louis is acting like that just because he is jealous, but I don’t think he has a reason to. Kay is just friendly towards everyone, she is like that, carefree and open. But she looks at Louis in a very different way. She looks at Dave the same way she looks at Niall, Zayn, Harry and even me. There is no reason for him to react that way, I’m sure Kay only has eyes for him now, yet he is being a douche again.

“I’ll go talk to him,” Harry says and says goodbye to Dave.

“We should be going, too,” I say and Kay nods. “It was great to meet you, Dave,” I tell him and he smiles.

“You too,” he replies and Kay smiles at him before saying something else in Italian.

As we make our way back to the dressing room I notice how pissed she looks. I bet she’s gonna yell at Louis. I wonder if I should record a video to send to Tammy later… I bet she would like that.

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