Chapter 26 ~ Tammy

I never thought I would say this, but I’m so glad Liam is with me. When he is around I can breathe because I know I have someone to rely on, someone who would hold me when I can’t stand on my feet anymore and although I’m recovering and getting my strengths back, it’s not the same. But when he is around, I feel better, I feel like I can put myself together and go on.

Janet called me, like she has done every day since I told her what happened to Ray. Leanne has called me to and Emma texted me. Even Sky texted me telling me she hoped Ray was okay and that she was sorry. I haven’t seen them since that day when Ray got beaten up. Our break couldn’t have been in a more perfect moment, right when I needed it. To be honest, I don’t think I’m capable of going back yet. To be the person I am in front of cameras and other people takes a lot of strengths that I don’t have yet, I’m too exhausted to put up with Tammy Rodenhizer. And now that Liam is leaving, I’m even less confident that I can go back just yet.

When Liam is not around, I can’t even sleep. I know it sounds pathetic, but he makes me feel safe and protected. Even if he is not in the same room, just knowing he is at my place makes me feel like I can relax because if something is wrong, he will be with me. I only sleep comfortably when he is around and I know I shouldn’t develop such a dependency, but I can’t help it. I’m tired and it feels good to lean on someone. And Liam helps me so much.

He went to his place to pack for tomorrow, he is leaving to Paris to meet with his band mates to keep with his tour. This is important and when he suggested he could stay longer, I didn’t allow him. I know I need him, but it’s his career. He can’t neglect that for me. I’m not worth that.

I try to take a nap while he is not around, but I can’t sleep. Not really. I can only think of how Ray is now in some orphanage, with people he doesn’t know, trying to go on with his life. I hope everything will be fine with him and I really hope I will be able to adopt him. I don’t know if I can do this, but I have to try. Marlene told me it’s hopeless, they would never let me have Ray, but I have to try. I know all the odds are against me, but I can’t just not try.

By the time the bell rings, I haven’t slept at all and I’m more restless than before. How am I going to sleep again when Liam is away? I guess we’re kind of together now, I mean… yeah, it’s weird, I don’t know how we came to this, but we’re together. I kiss him… he kisses me and I like that. I let him hold me and I know he sees us as a couple of some sort. I know I shouldn’t let him believe that, I should stop this for his own good. He is one of those good people, one of whom you can’t find anymore and I’m scared I may hurt him and ruin his life, but I can’t make myself push him away. I can’t. I know that’s the right thing to do, but I just can’t. That’s why I say I’m not good, because I can’t do what’s best for Liam when all he has done for me is the best. He has been the kindest person, he has done for me more than Bruno did! And I thought no one would treat me like that again. Bruno was nice and he cared for me, but he cared more for his addictions. When Liam looks at me I feel like I’m the most important thing in his world and I’ve never felt like that. Maybe that’s why I can’t push him away.

Groggily, I walk to the door not minding that I’m only in my underwear and a tank top that Liam gave me the night before. His clothes are awfully comfortable. I know it must be Liam at the door, no one else visits me and I know Janet is really busy, planning everything for us and trying to give me as much time as I need. I don’t mind that Liam sees me like this, he has seen the ugliest part of myself, he has seen me broken and with my soul exposed. If he sees me naked it wouldn’t be as significant.

When I open, I see him with a huge smile on his face as he holds a few paper bags with grocery shops and I try to smile at him, but I’m really tired. I step aside so he can walk in and he doesn’t pay me much attention, he goes right to the kitchen.

“I passed by this vegan shop I found on the internet and bought many things for you. I assumed you wouldn’t like to go out to buy things, so I took care of that. This should be enough until I come back for a break. Then I can take you to this shop! I bet you’ll like it. It has everything! I never knew vegan people had so many options. I could become one myself,” he blurts and I chuckle as I hear him rambling. I follow him inside the kitchen as he starts to take out everything he bought.

He is so kind to me… he takes care of me like no one has, nor even Janet. She has helped me so much, but she is not as warm as Liam is. I’m going to miss him so much when he is in Europe on his tour, I’ve really got used to have him with me. He has made my flat feel like a home and I never thought I would feel like that. He brings life to this dead place and I’m afraid he will take the life with him tomorrow.

“I’ve even looked up for some recipes to cook something for you—” and that’s when he turns around and takes a look at me and his mouth drops, his eyes wander from my head to my toe. “You— You are not— clothes— just—” Liam rambles and his reaction amuses me and makes me feel warm inside and the smile comes easily to my lips.

“Does it bother you that I’m not wearing any trousers? I can go and put something on, if you want,” I say in a light tone and I see him swallowing visibly and the smile on my lips turns into a grin.

“No… I mean… uh…” I chuckle as I step closer to him, playing with the hem of his shirt. I’m not the sexiest girl alive, I know that. I’m too skinny, but I’m not hideous and I know Liam likes me, he finds me attractive so I can play with that. “If you want… I don’t… I mean… It’s up to you…”

“Good, ‘cos it’s hot and I don’t feel like going for some shorts or anything. I was trying to sleep and I’m comfortable like this,” I say lowly approaching to him. I only stop when we’re face to face and I take my hands to his chest, gently running my fingers over his muscles.

“O-okay,” he says and he gulps again, making the grin on my face grow wider.

He can be so cute when he is nervous and as I lean in closer and his hands land on my hips, I start to forget everything and I couldn’t be more grateful, because he has this power that he can make me travel to another world, a world where no problems exist, where there’s no past trying to tear me apart again, where no one is suffering. And I love going to that world from time to time. That’s why I kiss him, because when we’re together, I can leave this place and my very soul can take a rest.

There’s still a part of my whispering in my mind that I should lie to him and tell him this is over, that whatever happened between us is due to my weakness but now I’m okay and I don’t need him anymore, but I can’t lie to Liam. I can’t lie in general. I can hide things, but I can’t lie. And Liam doesn’t deserve lies, but he doesn’t deserve being with someone who’s not good enough for him. But he’s brought happiness to my life, smiles and warmth that nothing else could give me, not even my music. And how can you let go of the most precious thing it has happened to you? It’s like they give you sunlight when you have lived your whole life under a rainy cloud and this is the first time you see how beautiful everything seems under the sunlight. And after that you just can’t go back to the rainy cloud, although you know you don’t belong under the sun.

I know it’s going to be hard to see him leave tomorrow and that I’m going to miss him, but I’ve always been a fighter and I won’t give up now. I’ll put my pieces together and do what I know: fight. And when he’s back, I’ll allow myself to step into the light again. I can do this… right? I don’t want to hurt him and I’ll do my best to save him from myself, but I know the moment when he will end up hating me will come. Until then, I shall enjoy of the warmth of his presence in my life.

Liam hugs me tightly and I rest my weight on him, melting against his body as I kiss him deeper, losing myself in this moment. Letting myself being happy, because when Liam is here, that’s what I feel: happiness and relief. I feel like I can breathe again.

+ + + + +

The next morning we wake up with our legs tangled and our arms around each other, as we’ve been waking up since he came for me when Ray got beaten up. He has been with me every night and although these had been horrible days, I’ve slept better than any other night and I know it’s because Liam was holding me every night.

I smile as I snuggle closer to him, my eyes still close until I remember that he is leaving today. For a second, I hug him tighter, not ready to let him go and that act wakes him up because I feel him hugging me back and soon a kiss at the top of my head.

“Morning,” he says and his right hand rises to my head and strokes my hair softly. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did,” I smile at him and he leans in to kiss my lips quickly.

I’ve never done this before… I’ve been with guys, I’ve slept with a few, but I never had a relationship or any sort. I never was glad to wake up next to someone, I never was dreading to let someone leave, I never enjoyed someone’s company and most certainly, I never wanted someone to like me as much as I want Liam to like me. I don’t want to disappoint him, I don’t want him to hate me and it kills me that someday he will. And for that reason, I try not to think about it.

“I have to leave in thirty minutes,” he says looking at the clock on my nightstand and I hide my face in his chest. He hugs me tighter. “After France we go to Italy and then we’ll come back for a few days. I’ll see you then,” he tells me and the knot in my stomach loosens up a notch. “You’ll still want to see me by then, right?”

“I should say no…” I mumble and he takes my chin in his index and thumb and makes me meet his eyes. “But I can’t,” I add before he can’t say something. “Because I really wanna see you again. I don’t understand how you still can be here after all what I’ve done to you, after what you’ve seen, but I’m really grateful.”

“I liked you from the moment I saw you were more than what you wanted me to see, so you were doomed since then,” he jokes and I chuckle softly at his words. “I’m just glad you’re not pushing me away.”

“I can’t,” I confess because that’s the truth. “I’m too weak to push you away.”

“No, you’re strong, stronger than anyone I’ve ever known.” He kisses my forehead and I close my eyes as his lips make contact with my skin. “And I’m so happy that you let me be there for you.”

I look him in the eyes for an intense period of time before I lean in and kiss him. I don’t know where we’re going with this, or if we are even going somewhere. Maybe things won’t be the same once he comes back, maybe once I recover from what happened to Ray I won’t feel the same. Maybe he won’t feel that need to protect me anymore. But right now this is all I want. Just Liam.

“Thank you,” I whisper against his lips and he smiles brightly at me, that smile of a puppy that I’ve learnt to love.

“Always,” he answers pecking my lips one more time.

After that, he gets ready to leave and I offer to drive him to the airport and he accepts so I shower and get ready myself. I take him in my car and promise him that I’ll drive his to his flat later, so he leaves his key with me. I feel we’re acting as if we’ve been together for a long time but it’s been only a week.

When he is about to board the plane, I stop him. “Liam,” I tell him looking him in the eyes, a bit weary of his reaction. “I— Could you— could you please not tell your friends about us? Just not yet. I still don’t clearly know what’s happening here I rather if this stays between us only. At least until things are clear. Okay?”

He stares at me and I see sadness and confusion swimming in his warm chocolate eyes, but then he sighs and takes my hands, looking down.

“I won’t tell them. I also think it’s the best until we really know what’s going on between us. I know we’re still stepping on a thin line and I don’t want the guys telling me I’m crazy and saying mean things about you when we’re still figuring out what’s between us,” he tells me and I know he is not pleased with the situation, but he knows this is the sensible thing to do. “I’ll see you soon, okay? And I’ll call you to see how things are going. Please, tell me what happens regarding Ray, will you?” I nod and he smiles at me. “Later, Tammy.”

“Later, Noob,” he smiles as I say that and I stand on my tiptoes to kiss him one more time before the speaker calls for his flight one last time and he has to leave. With every step he takes I feel more insecure and heavier, like the weight of the world has come back to my shoulder and it’s hard to breathe again. But I take a deep breath and I tell myself. “You’ve been alone all your life. This isn’t new. Go on.”

And that’s what I do, I turn on my heels and go back to my life, to my lonely fight.

-:-:-:-

I just love #Tiam so much I can't even. 

Dedication to @therosewithin! Thank you for that amazing comment!

Bel, xx