Chapter 23 ~ Liam

I hug her with all I have as I fight so hard not to break. I must be strong, I have to keep it together and hold her, because she needs me know. I need to be here to help her pick the pieces after this moment, and then to pull herself together. I know I’m shaking, too, as much as she is and my own soul is broken, hearing her words in my mind over and over again, tearing apart everything on their way through my conscious.

I knew there was something in her past, scars that made her the way she is now, something that had changed her. I just never imagined it would be something as heartrending as this. I can’t believe Tammy went through all that in her life and yet she is still here. I thought my infancy hadn’t been pretty, but nothing can compare with what she’s lived.

Now I understand. Now everything makes sense to me. Why she pushes everyone away, why she can’t trust people, why she can only show an affectionate side with kids, why she is so mean to everyone, why she refuses to be close to someone, why she cares so much for the kids in You Matter, why she understands so much Ray and everyone else in that charity. Now everything is clear, and it’s because Tammy is one of those kids. Tammy was broken since she was born, she was never loved… she has never known love and she has only seen hatred. That’s the only thing she knows how to deal with and thus the only thing she seeks, believing that’s what she deserves. But she is so wrong!

No one deserves hates, for crying out loud! No one, and certainly not Tammy.

After everything she’s seen, everything she has had to do in her life… she is still here, shining like a real star, fighting her past and the pain of those memories day by day. Fighting for a brighter future where she can control the hatred others give her. Where no one can hurt her like her parents did.

I can’t believe what those people did to her! How is that even possible? How can parents treat their own child like that? How can people hurt a kid? An innocent, unprotected child? That shouldn’t be possible. Yet they did, and with that they destroyed Tammy’s soul. If I could only travel back in time and take her away from that place, take her to a home where she would be loved like she was supposed to. Where she would know caring parents that would love her and be grateful for having her in their lives. If I could only erase every strike she received, every wound, every hurtful word… If I could only mend her past.

It wasn’t just an experience… it was her whole life. Even the little sunlight she got was taken away from her.

And people judge her! I even judged her at the beginning, without knowing what was behind her masks and now I know and I regret ever saying a bad word to her. She should only hear loving words, because she deserves that. She is so brave and strong, for still being here after all this time. And my friends think she is awful? My mum doesn’t like her? People send her hate? How? If they only knew what she’s been through… if they only knew she is like that because she was never allowed any kindness. I’m sure Tammy would be completely different if she had had a different family.

She cries herself to sleep in my arms and I don’t let her go. She feels so frail and small against my body, so delicate, like a porcelain doll that may break if you look at her. She has all her shields down, she has let everything go and now she is worn out. How exhausting is it to fight every single second of your life against those memories that tear you apart mercilessly? How can she do it? And alone… she does it alone. Because I know Tammy doesn’t consider Emma, Leanne and Sky her friends. They are only Tammy’s band mates, she would never trust them with this. Tammy has no one to help her.

But she has told me now… she is holding on to me. Somehow, without even noticing it, I’ve made my way to Tammy’s heart and now she trusts me. She trusts me to call me when she couldn’t take what happened to Ray —what makes even more sense now… she sees herself in Ray—, she trusts me to fall asleep in my arms, to tell me her past, to show me her scars. This is the most precious thing she has given to me and I must take care of it, I can never break her trust. Whatever happened, I can’t let her go.

After hearing her story all I want to do is protect her forever, offer her the love she never had. Make her smile, make her feel worthy of someone’s love. All I want to do is hold her and bring her happiness. I know I can’t delete what happened, I know I can’t fix what her parents caused because that’s impossible. The past is the past and it’s unchangeable, but the future is ours to shape and all I wan to do is to give her a bright future, a future with love.

I take Tammy in my arms and carry her to my room so she can sleep more comfortably. I’ll let her rest, because she must be exhausted. It’s been too much for her in a too short period of time. But when I try to leave her alone, she starts to stir and frowns, and groans like she is in pain, so I go next to her again and she holds on to me, still sleeping and only then, she relaxes. So I stay with her in the bed, hugging her, offering her shelter. That’s what I want to be for Tammy, her shelter, that person she can trust and open up to. I want to be here for her, to give her the love I know she deserves.

With her still sleeping in my arms, I kiss her temple slowly, softly, gently. “I’ll give you shelter, I’ll give you love,” I whisper stroking her hair hoping a part of her can still hear me. “If I fancied you before, now I know I’m falling hard for you,” I carry on, sure that she can’t hear me and freak out at my words. “You’re inspiring, you’re strong and brave. You’re the most tortured yet beautiful soul I’ve seen an if you let me, I’ll give you all the love you have always needed.”

“Don’t…” she mumbles in her sleep, so lowly I can barely hear her and for a second I tense, believing I’ve woken her up. But she is still sleeping in my arms; she even hugs me tighter. “I’ll… hurt… you… I… can’t… love…” Incredibly, she cries again in her sleep, tears falling down her cheeks, landing on my chest. “Walk… away… now…”

“I won’t,” I reply although she hasn’t really talked to me. This is only her subconscious speaking to me. “I can’t because this is what I want. You are what I want, Tammy.”

“Idiot…” She replies in her sleep and I smile, because even asleep, she is still Tammy. My beautiful, rude, broken Tammy.

+ + + + +

I wake up later that day. I don’t know when I fell asleep, but when I open my eyes I’m still holding Tammy and she is still cuddling next to me, her face on my chest, her hair falling messily around, her arms around my body, our legs intertwined and our hearts beating at the same time. I can feel the strong and steady beats of her heart on my side. I stroke her hair softly, not really wanting to wake her up. I really want to stay like this, hugging her, holding her like this. It feels natural. It feels right. And I know the moment she wakes and realise swhat has happened, what she’s told me… a very awkward conversation will come and I want to postpone that as much as possible.

But, of course, I can’t.

Her eyes flutter open and for a few seconds she looks confused but she doesn’t pull back, she stares around until her eyes meet mine and I smile at her, reassuring her that things will be fine. For five seconds we only stare at each other, but then her eyes widen in surprise and she rises on the bed, pulling back in less than a second.

“What happened? Where am I? Why are you with me?” She asks, her voice strangled and hoarse… something normal considered how much she cried and screamed before. Her eyes are also bloodshot and swollen.

“We’re in my bed. You feel asleep in my arms before and I brought you here so you’d be comfortable. You didn’t let me go so I stayed and fell asleep, too,” I answer as normally as I can, and I fight back the smile that wants to creep its way across my face when I say that she didn’t let me go.

It takes her three seconds to fully remember what happened and I know the moment this happens because her cheeks go tomato red and her eyes shot wide open in sheer disbelief. Horror crosses her features. She opens her mouth to speak, but no sounds come out. Not for a while.

“Tammy—” I start but she cuts me off.

“No. Please, don’t say anything. Not yet.” She breathes in, trying to calm down but I know she is freaking out inside. I try to reach her but she pulls farther away. “Let’s… let’s just pretend I didn’t tell you anything. That you know nothing. Let’s pretend nothing of this happened.”

For a second I consider granting her this, but I won’t. She trusted me and even if she wants to deny that, I won’t let her. I need her to realise she can really trust me. I’m here for her. I want her to see me as her shelter.

“No. I can’t do that, Tammy, no matter what you said. I won’t forget what you shared because that opened my eyes. I saw you without masks and I can’t forget that.” She tenses at my words, she even breathes heavily. “And I will treasure that and for that reason, I won’t betray you. I won’t sell your story, I won’t tell anyone. What happened is between you and I and no one else. And I know it must be a heavy burden for you, but you can share it with me now. It won’t solve things, but it will make them more bearable, I believe.”

“You don’t understand,” she says, her voice shattering again.

“Of course I don’t, I can’t even imagine. But I can help you somehow. I can listen whenever you need and I promise I won’t say a thing. I know that sorry is not good enough, that saying that won’t fix anything; but talking about will release some pain and weight. Don’t you feel a slightly lighter now?”

Tammy stays in silence, she doesn’t immediately reply. I see her taking a deep breathe and some of the tension on her shoulders vanishes. “I do,” she confesses almost inaudibly.

“See? You can talk to me whenever you need. I won’t push you to tell me more, but I’m here and you have to know that.” I move forward, taking her hand and even if she tries to pull back, I don’t let her. “For the first time you have someone to rely on, Tammy. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re not normal,” she whispers and I chuckle.

“I’m not,” I concede with a smile still on my lips. I raise my other hand and cup her cheek, with the softest touch I’m capable of and I see her tensing again, her eyes scared and confused.

I wonder if someone has touched her like this before. I wonder if someone has ever caressed her. Has she ever received a tender touch in her life? My heart aches because I’m almost a hundred per cent sure she hasn’t never been touched like this, that she has never known a caress and she doesn’t know how to react to this.

I feel this urge to kiss every part of her, every scar, showing her that she can be loved, that she can be adored for who she is. I want to prove her that she doesn’t deserve to be hated.

She closes her eyes, so tired and broken. I notice that she looks younger now, like a teenager that has been alone for too long.

Tammy has never looked the age she is. She is twenty-one, for what I know, but she looks older. At least twenty-five and now I know why… after what she’s been through, after the life she has had, it is normal she looks older. All that has given her years she hasn’t exactly lived. Her scarred soul is older than her body, yet this shows the weight of those emotional years.

I feel being pulled towards her, closer and closer and I know I could kiss her right now, but it’s not the moment. Everything is too recent, she is too unprotected and that would be taking advantage of her state. And I can’t do that. So I pull back and still stroking her cheek with my thumb, I speak: “You can take a shower and we can leave to the hospital. I bet you want to see how Ray is doing.”

Tammy opens her eyes and a little smile crosses her lips and she nods, but she doesn’t move, she only looks at me.

“Thank you, Noob… Liam,” she adds and I open my eyes in surprise, and that makes her smile wider. “Don’t get used to that. You’re still the noob to me.” And only then, she leaves the bed and I chuckle. 

My beautiful, rude, broken and so strong Tammy. 

-:-:-:-

Those of you who hated her... Well, that's real life. That's what we all do. We judge without knowing the full story. Always. This only proofs how we human beings are. All of us.

Dedication to @JKohler34 because I agree with you, Tammy is inspiring for fighting so hard.

Also, please go and follow @FunkyStyles because she is absolutely amazing! Her two stories blew my mind away and I'm addicted. I honestly believe she deserves more readers and you won't regret if you give her a chance.

Bel, xx