Chapter 10 ~ Tammy

I don’t like it when people compliment me unless it’s about my talent and what I do. They can say everything they want about my music, but when they compliment the person I am… I hate it. I don’t go around trying to make people like me, I don’t show them a nice side of me so they can say ‘Hey, you’re such a great person’. No, I don’t do that. When people see you as a good person, chances are that they will take advantage of you. I don’t want anyone thinking that I can make their life easier or better, I don’t want people approaching me just for the things I can do for them. This happens to normal people and it’s even worse for famous people. I don’t want people thinking they can be my friends and get some fame along the way. I have enough of those.

That’s why I don’t like that Liam says I’m a good person. He doesn’t know me, and I know he won’t take advantage of my fame –let’s face it, he is more famous than I am–, but I don’t want him to think we can be friends. We work together for the kids at the charity, nothing else.

When people think you’re awful, when you are rude and mean, you tell them that they can’t mess with you. If you act like I act, you don’t give them the chance to start to even think that they may get something from you. With this attitude you get rid of all those gold diggers, fame diggers, whatever digger you may stumble across.

When people say I’m awful, I feel safe. When people say I’m a good person, I feel exposed and in danger.

You’re such a good girl, Tammy. You have to help us, I hear that familiar voice in my mind and I shut my eyes tightly and push the memory away. I won’t let it come to the surface, I won’t let it happen again. I push, push, push until the memory is buried deep in the shadows of my mind again and when I open my eyes, I see Liam staring at me confused.

“You okay?” He asks with concern in his eyes and I feel like punching him in the face. Why is he so good? Doesn’t he see that being like that will only bring bad people into his life?

“It’s none of your business, leave me alone, Noob!” I spat and take off my guitar to leave it aside –carefully, of course.

I have to make things clear for him. We’re not friends, he can’t go around throwing compliments at me, he can’t hug me and act like we get along. Can’t he keep a colleague relationship only?

I glare at him, pissed at him and the kind of person he is. He looks so good, so kind-hearted but what tells me that he is not like any other person in the world? People are awful in very different ways. We’re all terrible beings in one way or another, some of us are not afraid to show our worst side to everyone so no one can expect us to be better, others only show their best side and fool everyone. No matter what, no matter whom, we are all human and for that reason we’re terrible people. We’re only good when we’re kids, when we’re innocent. As we grow, we lose that goodness in our hearts.

I leave before he can say anything. I walk past everyone not knowing where I’m going. I just need space. I want to be alone. I hear Janet calling me and I know I should stop and listen to her, in a way she is my boss, but I don’t want a lecture right now, nor a pep talk. I just need time to breathe and put myself together.

Somehow I manage to get outside the venue and I know it’s a mistake when I see the fans waiting outside, pressed against the fence trying to catch a glimpse of the boys even though they are inside. As they see someone coming out, they scream at the top of their lungs, but then they realise it’s me and not a boy from One Direction and their screams die. But then they recognise me and something weird happens.

Some of them get really excited and they call my name, the others ask who I am and what I’m doing there.

“Tammy, please, please! Just a picture,” a girl calls, her face is between two bars and I think she might be in pain. “I love you so much!”

I blink and try to decide what to do. Probably she is just a new fan, someone who got to know about me through the papers and my failed date with Liam. I know that if I walk away she will get disappointed. I’m really not in the mood and most of our fans know that we’re not always the nice type, but what makes me approach the fence is that I see this girl can’t be even eleven. I don’t know why she is here, so young and little, being killed by the mob. I feel the urge to help her, to tell her to go home and stay away from crazy, hormonal teenagers.

“Hi, What’s your name?” I tell the little girl who seems about to die. Other fans are screaming my name as well, even those who have no idea who I am. “What are you doing here?” I ask her taking her pad and signing it.

“I’m Lily! They say the boys are rehearsing here and we wanted to see. Are they really here? Why are you here?” She asks so fast I barely understand all her words.

“Yes, they are inside and I can’t tell you that.” I kneel to be at her same height. “It’s a secret for now so shh,” I say pressing my lips with my index finger, and she bursts into a fit of giggles.

“Secret!” She cries out and I chuckle at her excitement.

“Okay, lend me your camera, I’ll take a picture.” Lily obeys and hands me her mobile phone, so I snap a few pictures of us and I hate that the bars are between us, but it’s the best I can do. Then I sign other autographs and talk a bit with them. I’m sure that after today, many of these girls will get home and search for my name, trying to know who I am. We may even get some new fans out of this.

I know something happens when the crowd gets louder and the screams are piercing my ears. I even have to cover them with my hands. I look back and I see Liam approaching us, an intrigued expression on his face. When I see him I remember why I left in the first place and when I see his smile appearing on his lips I get mad again.

Can’t he stop?

Why am I so annoyed? I shouldn’t care this much, I’m making this bigger than it is.

“Here you are. Meeting new fans?” He asks me though I barely make out the words from his lips, the crowd is too loud and we’re too close. “Hi, how are you, babe?” He talks to the fans now, taking pads to signs autographs as well. Many of them are already crying.

“Wasn’t my plan when I walked out,” I answer. “What are you doing?” I ask, I don’t look at him, I keep signing.

“I came for you. Janet was worried. She wanted to come but I talked her out of that,” he answers like he has done something I should be proud of.

“You should’ve let her,” I say and from the corner of my eye I see how he stares at me.

“Anyways, we need to go back inside. Grimmy has something to tell us and you need to be present as well.” Some fans scream at the mention of Grimmy’s name. Sometimes I forget how dear the host is for the One Direction fans.

I don’t say anything, I just keep signing and taking pictures until he takes my wrist. I want to shove him off, but I control myself. I won’t make a scene in front of kids. We say goodbye and go back inside, he still has his hand on my wrist and once I’m sure no one can see us, I finally shove him off and get back my wrist.

“No need to do that, Noob,” I tell him as calmly as I can.

“Are you okay? You look really pissed,” he says and, again, he looks concerned. “Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

I stare at him in disbelief. He sounds worried, like he really cares about what he asking, but I’ve learnt that people don’t ask how you are because they really care, they do it because it’s a habit, because they want to be polite, because they want to pretend they are good people; but Liam sounds sincere and that bugs me.

“Why do you try so hard to be good and get along with everyone? It’s like you’re trying to be my friend and I don’t get it. Complimenting me won’t help you. Why do you do this?”

He looks confused by my question but I’m serious. I need to know why he is trying. He knows I’m a terrible person, I’m rude, I mock him, I hurt him and yet he smiles at me and comes for me, he asks me how I am and those stupid things. Why?

“I don’t understand your question. Why wouldn’t I try to be good?” He asks back and I shake my head. It hurts from all the thinking.

“No, it’s not normal! It’s like you want to get along with everyone, even those people that are rude to you, like me! That’s not normal. Why? What’s wrong with you?” I cry out, in a way overwhelmed by this situation and this boy.

Hasn’t someone hurt him? Has he really had an easy life? Why is he like this?

“Because it’s lonesome when you have no friends and when you don’t try to get along. I always try, that’s the best I can do. I have to try,” he answers and it infuriates me.

No, he doesn’t need to try, he doesn’t have to! Only naïve people try to get along with others, only naïve people try to be nice when they live in a world with people that only want to succeed no matter whom they hurt in the way. People are selfish. He should know that by now.

“I’ve been nothing but mean to you. Why do you try to be friends with me? Uh? That doesn’t make sense! Stop it!” I step back, pacing from one side to the other in that small hall, trying to give some sense to everything in my head.

“Not because you’re mean I have to be mean, too. Plus, I see there’s more of you that you don’t want to show. You’re not only mean. I saw you with the kids, you’re––”

“Don’t say it!” I cut him off. “Don’t say I’m a good person. I am not!”

He looks taken aback by my outburst and I’m breathing heavily. I don’t like compliments, I don’t like people thinking I’m good because I’m not. I am not.

“Tammy…”

“You know? I don’t care. Be a weirdo, give people the chance to take advantage of you. I don’t care. Now let’s go. You said Grimmy had something to tell us,” I say and walk past him, bumping my shoulder against his arm in a rude way.

If he wants to try, he is the foolish one. If he wants to let people take advantage of him, it’s his problem, not mine. I know I’m doing the right thing, I know this is what I have to do. I’ve learnt from experience, from falls and many scars. He has to go through that, I guess. Whether he does or not, I don’t care. I only care about myself.

He should learn that, though. I’m sure he will. No one lives without getting hurt so badly that they change. No one. He is no exception.

-:-:-:-

What do you think? What happened to Tammy to make her like this? Oh, she has so many scars... Anyways, you'll know this in the future. 

Dedication to my favourite comment on the last chapter: @emygrl99 I'm glad you let that out and you're right, Tammy will realise of her true feelings eventually. Liam has to be patient only.

Bel, xx

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