The next day of school was hard, I wasn’t going to lie.

After the fight yesterday with Gavin and the finale to our friendship or whatever the hell it was everything the next day just seemed to make me more and more depressed. Nothing seemed to be easier when rather the utter and complete different. The gossip, the still odd glances and even the day I found Georgie seemed to come back like a brick wall and chuck me off balance and right back to where I started.

It was then that I realized that no matter what relationship or such that had been going on with Gavin and I, either way he was able to numb and make me feel better, making things less scary and real. That in itself made me see truly how much of a mistake I had made yesterday already, I had been too defensive and too narrow minded. There could have been a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Hopefully.

I made it into school grounds feeling more scared than ever because not only did I have I have to face the prying eyes of others and such but I also had to face Gavin when we were up in the computer room again for history and that terrified me. The possibility he could look upon me with disgust, anger or even pain….it made me feel like a monster.

Why was I so protective of myself?

I didn’t have an answer for my actions except wanting more answers, more truth. But happens if there were no more answers to give? What happens when all there was to it was truly the fact that Gavin caught my eye and caught interest and wanted a friendship? Was it possible that that was all there was to it?

Either way it didn’t matter, last night I was hit with a tenfold of guilt, regret and frustration at myself. I disliked myself already for my actions and already disliked myself for it also. I just couldn’t believe I had voiced my thoughts and let them ruin a friendship or such with Gavin, let it come between the one thing that was apparently keeping me together apparently since Georgie and maybe even before that.

Sighing heavily I hitched my bag higher up onto my shoulder and began to make my way through the office where I had some note to hand in to the office ladies and of course to make my way through to get to roll call.

It was walking in that my eyes laid on Cindy who was lining up to the office ladies, a couple people in front of me as she spoke on the phone in her hand, talking lightly and breezily, yet an undertone of annoyance in her voice. It surprised me even more when I heard what she was saying as she twirled her hair around her finger.

“No, I specifically told you mum that I wanted the other, you should by now that the coral color isn’t going to mesh well with my skin tone let alone the theme.” She said, her voice whatnot snappy.

I shook my head looking away in disgust, this girl just lost her best friend and she’s bitching about her dresses color for the upcoming Senior Festival. Was she heartless? Was it just me or was that absurdly wrong?

Either way I was suspicious.

Ƹ̵Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Hey chicky!” Kate sang happily skipping up to my side eagerly, looping her arm through my own arm as we walked through the school’s hall ready for history.

“Hey, how was yesterday?” I asked softly, more so of a mumble, my thoughts miles away as I feared of what was to happen in this lesson.

Kate smiled greatly “I know all the details; it’s going to be so amazing! They are going to hold a fair before the actually festival to raise funds for the event, and all seniors have to work at the fair and contribute to raising funds through their own ideas of stalls and such. Can you imagine how cool that can be, we can walk right in there and be the biggest pains, making them clean our shoes, make them grovel.” She chuckled with mock darkness.

I rolled my eyes “You’re all evil.” I mused, the corner of my lips twitching.

She laughed “What? It’ll be fun, pay back for them strutting about as if they own this school.” Her fake evil smile growing to the point I was literally scared “Anyways, the only way that it will suck if either of us get asked to go to the festival by a senior cause than we have to help out at the fair also.” She added.

We looked at each other before bursting into laughter, the chances of either of us getting asked to the Festival let alone by a senior were beyond likely, in the negative percent. If there was even such a thing as negative percentages. Either way the idea was laughable.

Sighing I smiled “So when’s the carnival to raise funds anyways, I mean the Senior Festival is after all next Friday night.” I said, frowning.

Kate hummed in agreement “Next Thursday, since that’s our late night shopping here anyways. It was organized pretty late though, well because of…..” she trailed off.

Because of Georgie’s surprise death.

I sighed sadly “Yeah, true. So what theme is it?” I asked her, basically pleading for a change of focus and distraction.

Kate huffed that time “Mum won’t tell me, she said it will break the surprise if I am actually asked to the Festival by someone.” She muttered rolling her eyes as if it was mission impossible.

The thought of Kate being asked wasn’t in fact impossible, it actually had a high chance; she was beautiful, funny, smart, and she was confident. However I honestly didn’t know of anything going on between her and a senior, and she wouldn’t go without knowing I was, she’d feel too guilty, despite how much I try to reassure her and push her out the front door. Lastly there was one reason why right now her dating status was single and on stand was because right now her heart was still overcoming her last broken heart from her last holiday.

Sighing softly, sadly at all the crap the two of us had been through I made my way to the door and pushed it opened, a smile of relief covering my features at the note of the still practically empty room and the absence of Gavin. Maybe today wouldn’t be too bad.

Walking in we took our seats and turned on our computers as more people walked into the room, more chatter filling the room and of course the hum of the computers being turned off and warming up. Kate and I swiveled to one another as we kept talking about the Senior Festival before we were met by the dreaded and antagonizing silence.

“So, did you try getting it out of your mum?” I asked her softly, as I scrounged around in my bag for my book and pens.

Kate snorted “Trust me, I tried.” She muttered bitterly.

“Well, if you find out tell me.” I begged of her, wanting to at least to have one thing to look forward to in amongst all this suffocating darkness.

These days I honestly didn’t know what to look forward too.

Kate shrugged innocently “Maybe, maybe not.” She replied cheekily.

My eyes grew, my back straightening as I curled my locks behind my ear “Oh c’mon! That’s unfair, it’s not like I’m ever even going to be asked to the Senior Festival, the chances are practically…..”

In that moment I trailed off at the sight of Gavin entering the room as I spoke and walking towards us before he totally kept walking by, as if I wasn’t even there. My voice trailed off speechless at what had just happened.

Did that really just happen?

I was speechless and in all honesty hurt, I couldn’t deny that being brushed off didn’t sting. It totally stung; the hope that everything would be pushed aside and as if nothing had happened had built greatly within me to only be pot like a pin to a balloon and it left me breathless, empty and as flat as a pancake. This was exactly why I preferred to be invisible, because I wouldn’t be so full of hope and wanting him to recognize me.

This is a good thing I chanted over and over in my mind, trying to make even the smallest part of me to eat it up and claim it believable.

Talk about mission impossible.

The action didn’t go unnoticed to Kate either; her eyes grew only to narrow in her protective manner as her eyes followed the back of Gavin until he sat down, his back to us. She opened her mouth a couple times to say something before shutting it again, speechless. Slowly her eyes turned on me, soft and sympathetic as she finally put everything together. Suddenly my moodiness and my glum and gloomy attitude finally made sense, and also why I ignored her calls last night. She finally understood what the cause was, I just didn’t know how drastic she thought it was, the dirty glances she was sending Gavin told me how she interpreted it.

Would she look at me once she found out it was my fault?

Finally she reached forward, sitting her hand on mine as she gave it a gentle squeeze “How about you go to the toilets and go call your mum, ask her about that girls night in with just us two as she had been offering, yeah?” she suggested, smiling warmly at me.

I nodded gathering a deep steadying breath before slipping my phone into my hand and excusing myself from the room, more than happy to get out of the room that was leaving me breathless and squishing my lungs down to dust.

Ƹ̵Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Was it wrong that I didn’t need a girls night in when I found a girl in my year’s head in the sanitation bin but when I had boy troubles I did?

The thought puzzled me and ran throughout my entire mind for the rest of the day taunting me like all the other questions that were bombarding me quick and hard. Like, who was Georgie’s murdered? Did they have any clues? Did the find the body? Why was Cindy acting so stranger? Right to the complete other side of question as to why did Gavin want to know me? If I confronted him would he spare me a second glance? Was it really already the end?

My mind was an utter and complete mess and I couldn’t even be more happy and relieved about my girl night in with Kate tonight at my house. I had called mum and she had been more than happy at the sound of me doing something that was somewhat normal in the house rather than locking myself in my room or to my piano. The plan was that Kate was going to walk to my house later on tonight since I had a couple books I wanted to pick up at the local library for this history research paper.

I couldn’t be more happy for this bell to ring for the end of the week and freedom, where I could avoid open glances, gossip and of course the smothering feeling deep on my chest knowing that Gavin was close by and not even wanting to come find me.

I had even gone to the piano again at lunch today in hopes he’d come visit me, he didn’t and I think that was another crush to my heart. A part of me just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes and another part of me wanted to march right up to him and scream, shout, kick, yell and maybe even hit him until he came around and answered me. Somehow that didn’t seem to be the right way about it. However though, that scared protective part of me couldn’t help but remind me that this was a good thing, a place where things could go back to how they were before.

The only question was; did I want things to go back to how they were before?

Sighing softly I pushed myself into our towns library having walked up a bunch of steps that drained me so easily in my exhausted and miserable state. I had a cool drink in hand and I also had a chocolate in the other, ready for some energy so I could find the books needed and go, not wanting to be in here any longer when a detox night was ready and waiting for me at home.

Walking around the library I was cautious so our local librarian didn’t see me with the muffin, I knew how she was and if she saw me I wouldn’t doubt that she’d eat me alive. She was a scary old lady, old and very depressing to be in company with about how easily angry and snappy she can be. You never knew when she was about to crack, I hear outside of the library she is lovely person but being here and dealing with people that didn’t return books and lost them and destroyed them whilst not repaying for them aggravated her. However as they say, seeing is believing.

Walking around the back isles I went over to the non-fiction area of our little quaint library that was full of books for a small little town. Shelves after shelves ran through the place and in all honesty they were in desperate need to upsize the library as it was obviously too small to contain all these books and more.

Making my way around searching for the books based on Jack the Ripper high and low,I stopped frozen and stunned at the sight before me.

The sight before me was of Ben – Georgie’s boyfriend or I guess you could say ex-boyfriend – who sat low in a seat in the back corner where I needed to go. He was slumped low and deep in the chair, leaning back lazily and with a look of annoyance and frustration. He was frowning down deeply at the work before him on the table, his lips in a thin grim line.

I instantly felt sorry for him, wanting to give him a big hug.

Ben was the perfect and clichéd boyfriend for Georgie, a popular guy, the most popular in our year. He was tall, athletic, fit and certainly attractive, plus coupled with his charisma anyone could be a goner. He had the dark brown curls around his face and shaggy too, he had teal like eyes and from all the gossip you hear a killer body.

At the end of the day Georgie and Ben were the perfect couple, both top popular in our year, attractive and had the skill to have anyone bow down at their feet. It wasn’t the sort of the relationship where they must date though because of where they were, I didn’t know what it was but Ben literally worshipped the ground Georgie lived on. I honestly thought once the two were of legal age he’d be down on one knee asking for her hand in marriage. I couldn’t deny it, they were adorable together and it was every girls fairytale.

Well, it was.

Cautiously I stepped towards him, not wanting to disturb him when it already looked like he was having the worse day possible, if his slightly red eyes were evidence enough. Creeping around the corner to where he was in the back corner I stepped towards the shelf I needed to be, which was close to him, but not so close I was in his space.

Stepping on my toes I reached up finding a bunch of books based on what I wanted, sighing heavily at the task I now faced of having to go through I pulled down five or so books that caught my eyes the most. Heaving them down heavily I piled them in my arms ready to go find another table.

“Hey, you’re the…..” Ben’s husky, tight voice interrupted my thoughts, trailing off.

I turned slowly, looking at him cautiously, hesitantly “Sorry?” I asked.

“You’re the girl that…..you’re the girl that found…..her….right?” he asked, struggling.

I grimaced, the expression probably answer enough “Yeah, that’s me.” I whispered softly.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know your name….” he trailed off looking legit apologetic.

“Steph, my names Steph.” I murmured softly.

He nodded “Right, Steph.” He said more to himself than anyone else “What are you doing in a library on a Friday anyways?” he asked.

I blushed realizing how much of geek I was going to sound with the answer of the truth, it honestly was sad. It was a Friday and I had the entire weekend and I was at the library spending my time finding books for an essay. Who knew I was such a loser?

“Um, I have a history essay.” I explained, trying to be nonchalant.

He nodded looking back down at his page, silence encasing us again.

“Uh…What about you?” I asked, thinking for something.

It was a legit question though, why was the most popular guy at school and my year also spending is Friday in a library in the back corner? It’s not something I thought it’d ever see.

He shrugged gruffly “Getting out of the house.” He shrugged.

I took a hesitant step closer to him “What work are you working on?” I asked, tilting my head towards the scattered pages on the desk.

His brow furrowed deeper “English. Apparently, I’m falling behind classes and I think I will be ‘till I get over all of this….” He trailed off “Still, mum and dad and the teachers are all harpin’ on me, what with exams and all coming up.” He answered bitterly.

I nodded understandingly, unsure of what to say? What do you honestly say to someone that has lost the love of their life and they’re only a teenager?

Leaning over his shoulder I looked down at his notes on ‘Othello’ by William Shakespeare “You know….there’s a good book here if you need some help with Shakespeare, it’s down that end somewhere.” I answered, pointing towards the area.

“Really? Do you mind…showing me?” he asked hesitantly as if afraid of rejection. Him of all people!

I nodded “Sure.” I murmured sitting my books down on his desk.

Together we made our way down the other end of the library towards the book was that I had used for study, reaching it I pulled it down, reaching up high. Grasping it I pulled it down before facing him “Here, it translate some of his most common and famous quotes and words, and gives you a bit of background on the man.” I said easily.

He smiled faintly at me “Thanks.” He murmured looking at the back of it.

Silence wrapped about us again.

“You know….” He began sighing as he looked up at me “out of all the people that I know, isn’t it funny that I feel as if I can relate the most with the stranger standing right in front of me?” he murmured softly, looking at me almost shyly.

I smiled back shy myself “I can’t imagine….” I trailed off honestly “But you have….Cindy though, don’t you?” I asked softly, hesitantly.

Would he snap at me like Cindy did? I didn’t know, but right now I realized this was my only chance to find out as much as Ben knew, maybe he knew more. Maybe he also had suspicions, maybe something was going on and maybe even together Ben could help.

Ben’s face turned as straight as steel and stony, before he shrugged stiffly “It doesn’t seem that way.” He muttered.

I hesitated with asking before practically forcing myself “W-what do you mean?” I stammered, cringing at the weak stammer.

He sighed making his way back to the table, myself trailing along behind “I don’t know…she’s weird. I barely see her and when I do it’s like nothing has ever happened!” he cried softly, shaking his head sadly.

I nodded, frowning “I know what you mean.” I murmured bitterly “I saw her the other day in the toilets and she got all snappy with me, than today she was going on about her dress for the Senior Festival.”

“She’s going to that?” he asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

I nodded, anxious “Yeah, she said something about a dress so I guess, why’s that?” I asked softly watching him as eh slouched back down in his seat again.

He shook his head sadly again “I don’t know….her and Georgie were literally inseparable, shoot I don’t think I went on many dates or nights out with just Georgie when we first started dating. Gradually though, we found our ways of getting away from her.” He muttered in frustration as he reflected his gaze faraway and for the first time his features light and free, he looked happy as he thought back on the past. “I just….I can’t imagine her wanting to go with Georgie…..not there.” He murmured, choking on Georgie’s name.

I nodded sadly, unsure again of what to say.

Ben shook himself awake, sighing softly “It doesn’t matter, I just got to get this essay done.” He muttered picking up his pen.

My heart literally went out for him.

He looked over at my books on his table “Here’s your….” He trailed off looking at the book’s title “Jack the Ripper?” he asked.

I smiled shyly “Yeah, it’s for history. He was some unknown murder in the real old days, he went around murdering prostitutes, they never found out who the guy was, what with not having all the technology back in those days.” I murmured softly, the idea and conspiracies enthralling me.

He nodded, frowning and I didn’t know if it was just plain bizarre to him, he thought I was weird or the mention of any death was just too much for him in general.

Clearing my throat I took the books from his outstretched hands “Thanks.” I murmured softly taking them “Anyways I’m going to go….I’ll….bye.” I murmured, knowing a see you later wouldn’t be honesty.

He nodded sadly “Sure, and thank you by the way.”

I nodded at him “Anytime.” I whispered.

After hiring the books at the front desk and making my way out into the car park it was on dusk and the sun was setting, I knew I’d have to get a taxi since these days I just didn’t feel safe at all. Pulling my phone to call them I shuffled the books in my hand as I held my phone to my ear.

The stiff voice of the lady answered the phone, her usual welcoming jingle meeting my ears, the attempt of friendliness failing once I heard her voice though, defeating the purpose.

I shuffled around the books some more, a bit of paper falling to the ground, crouching I bent down as I answered, rattling off the address I wanted to be picked up from, or rather place. She asked me where I was getting dropped off at.

“Um, can you take me to…..”

I trailed off; my awkward fingers having finally pried open the note, my face full of utter disbelief as my heart stopped beating, bile rising in my throat and the hairs on the back of my neck sticking up high.

“Hello? Are you still there?”

I didn’t answer though, the phone slipped to the ground, smashing against the tar as I read the note for the millionth time, trying to understand what the words meant, the words having been cut out of a magazine and punching the breath out of me leaving me light and breathless.

          "If you even think of squealing you'll be doing more than
                     squealing once I get my hands on you"

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