Masks - Chp 15
“Okay Steph, you can do this. You just walk right into….” I glanced up catching the eye of a bunch of girls only a few feet in front of me, just inside the gate “hell.” I muttered bitterly to myself as I laid eyes of them giggling and gossiping as the scrutinized me. It wasn’t any riddle as to who was the center of that conversation.
My hand slowly slid up the side of my neck to end up tugging on my hair, my hair that was tugged up into a pony tail. I gulped as I tugged on the end of my hair tied up, on the top of my head, my hair pulled all back and away from my face, my eyes. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had my hair up and out of my eyes, even in photos I was under the age of five. I tugged and fidgeted on my hair even more and greater, my hands itched to the point it was painful with the urge to untie my hair and let my hair fall back in my eyes, keep the drapes shut to the new world.
It was such a petty thing, wearing my hair up and out of my eyes and yet my stomach was churning, butterflies soaring and my throat constricting. Every second that ticked by I argued with myself, fighting all that was within me that I looked fine, that it’d be okay, that no one that didn’t matter would notice. How could such a thing be such a big deal? How could such a small thing represent so much? It was like I was finally opening my eyes to the wide world around me, the reality of life.
On my hundredth pep talk my words still hadn’t even give me the balls to step through that gates and simply go to school. Was I mental, insane? I already had people gossiping and staring at me with wide eyes after Georgie and now with Gav’s interest in me, suddenly I was the focus. That was terrifying as it is, but now I had to face them with no hair to hide behind? That’s like someone going into battle with no armor; suicide.
I took another shaky breath as I stepped onto the school grounds, the back of my neck straining under the weight of fear and paranoia. Did it make me completely weak that I felt as if the ground was going to fall out beneath me? Would wearing my hair up cause drama, make things worse? Maybe by wearing my hair up and acting confident it would make others think of me as bold and rude for it just after Georgie’s death, especially since I discovered her?
I shook my head, trying to rattle all the dread from my bones. I tried breaking down those doubts and that voice, trying to rid it as it tried everything in its might to go back and play life the safe way. If I just stuck to how I’ve always been, stuck to what I knew and what was safe than it’d be okay, if I did that than there’d be no worries about change and the reaction of those around me. But if I didn’t change, if I never open myself up to Gavin or anybody else would I ever have a chance with Gav?
I already knew that answer; you couldn’t have any relationship – a meaningful and lasting relationship – if you weren’t honest and opened. I was doing this for Gavin, but not only for him but also for me. If I wanted to know if I had a chance with Gav – and I did, I desired it so badly – than I needed to do this, I needed to see. And if I find out I don’t have a chance with Gav – which deep down I knew was a possibility – at least I knew I tried, and at least it’d be more easy to open up to the next guy that walked by and captured my heart.
I walked into the grounds with a little more determination in my step. I walked through the hall, my neck itching and straining to lower but I kept my head high, my fingers constantly tugging and playing with my hair as I walked over to my school’s locker. More than ever did I want a mirror to check my appearance like those vapid girls you see in the movies...
“Um, I’m sorry, but I’m fairly certain that this locker belongs to my best friend.” a teasing, lazily voice came from the other side of my locker door “You may know her actually, her names Steph? Super shy gal than the next second she’s a crazy Muppet.”
Instantly my head popped out around that doorway “Muppet? Really?” I asked all thoughts of hiding behind my locker door forgotten.
Kate smiled coyly, giving me a careless shrug.
I rolled my eyes before I buried my head back in my locker, reaching right down the back for my folder of music notes that I stashed before I dashed off for lunch. Straining my fingers finally curled around the folder and instantly my body paused suddenly, what was I doing? This folder was filled with all the sad songs and music notes that I played on repeat every day at lunch when Kate had other things on, this folder was my sanctuary for when I hid out in the music room.
I shook my head, my hands pulling out of the locker. No more, I wasn’t hiding anymore. I had promised myself this was a new me to test, an honest me. I couldn’t rely on my music and that room to hold me up when things got tough anymore, to hide me from the outside world that terrified me at times. That piano, my music, really was an escape.
“Earth the crazy Muppet! Woo-hoo!” Kate sang, wiggling her fingers in front of my face.
I blinked stunned, reeling back as my head smacked against my locker. I hissed under my breath, reaching up to rub the back of my head “Mother…” I trailed off, wincing.
My gaze met Kate’s; she had her lips pursed in a sympathetic grimace “Sorry?” she murmured sheepishly.
I waved her off with my free hand, my face bunched up still in a pained grimace as with my other hand I rubbed the back of my head “It’s alright.” I murmured “What is it you wanted?” I asked her, trying to shove aside the throbbing pain on my head.
The corner of her lips quirked “I like your hair.”
“Really? It looks alright?” I asked her nervously, my hands reaching up to the band in my hair, the throbbing pain instantly forgotten.
Kate’s smile only grew more, amused “It looks fine.” She said reassuringly, swatting my hands away.
I puffed a shaky, nervous breath as we made our way down the hall towards roll call as Kate continued prattling on about anything else. I loved her for that, for rather than questioning and asking about my sudden change but instead treating me no differently. She prattled on about the Senior Festival coming up and I listened mildly interested, the only thing interesting or heart pounding about that festival was simply the fact that I was going with Gav. My mind wandered off in daydreams of Gav and I dancing at the event, laughing and smiling with me all dressed up in a ball gown and Gav all handsome in a tuxedo. It was like a movie…
“Oh,” Kate said suddenly halting “I just remembered I got to go do something, alright? I left my art book in the art room, I’m going to be in there at lunch time today too, is that okay?” she asked, looking up at me with that guilty smile “You can come hang with me, if you want?” she offered.
I shook my head “No, you’ve got that huge art project and I’ll only distract you.” I smiled at her knowingly.
She smiled softly as she gave my arm a squeeze “It’d be a good distraction though.”
I laughed shaking my head “Nah, it’s alright. I’ve already got prior arrangements any ways.”
She smiled devilishly at me “What? You and Gav locked away in the janitors room?” she quirked at me.
“You wish.” I threw back, laughing her off.
“I think it’s you who wishes honey.” She threw back, winking cheekily at me.
I blushed a red scarlet “Shut up.” I threw back lamely “Don’t you have somewhere you have to be any way?” I asked her pointedly.
Kate laughed cheekily “I’m going, I’m going.” She held up her hands as she backed back a few spaces and turned away, walking the opposite way.
I smiled shaking my head as I kept walking on to roll call.
“Hey!” someone behind me suddenly called out, frowning I turned around to see Kate turning back to look at me a little way down the hall, the few stragglers looking between us curiously “Who knew underneath all that hair you had blue eyes?” she shouted back cackling before turning around and skipping back down the hall.
I smiled after her and couldn’t help but wonder if any one – even myself – that I was a blue eyed gal.
Ƹ̵Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
Sitting down in my chair in Geography I let go a content sigh, the nerves were gone and I was simply just blissfully content and happy. I had shoved all the worries and nerves aside and was content to just learn and daydream excitedly about lunch time…
My Geography teacher, Mrs. Mathews walked in looking frazzled and a little flustered as she dumped a stack of papers back on the desk just as she puffed out a breath so the hair in her eyes flicked away “Alright guys,” she said breezily “I have all your assignments from last month back and marked.” A collective moan of nerves and reluctance filled the room.
“I know, I know,” she smiled rolling her eyes “Adam, hand these out please?” she asked handing him the high stack “Whilst Adam is handing them out you should already have your books out.” She said giving us with bare desks a pointed glance.
My lips curled up as I reached for my backpack; I always loved Mrs. Mathews. Groaning at the clutter and amount of books in the never ending backpack I hoisted it up onto my desk, groaning softly under my breath at the weight. If I get a bad back when I’m older I should sue I think mildly to myself as I searched through my bag, becoming more anxious as I couldn’t find my Geography bag and Mrs. Mathews was starting the lesson and feedback.
My smile lit up as I found my notebook and I yanked it out with my pencil case, carelessly tossing my backpack to the ground. Flicking through the pages I only frowned greater at the piece of paper that slid out of my notebook, at first my heart instantly dropped to my toes as my body tensed as if tensing under someone ready to strike me. It couldn’t be…
No, I shook my head; it couldn’t be another threatening note already. I had only got a note yesterday, the one I found last night when I was studying. They wouldn’t be sending a threatening note to me so soon, right? The one before last night I had received the week before, but one a day after? I smiled breathlessly, a weak yet relived smile as I realized that the chances of it being another threatening note were slim.
The note last night was frightening enough; it was the note that killed all hope that it was an accident, or even just some sick joke. Hell it could be a sick joke still, but now it seemed less likely. I didn’t know what to do, I could show it to people but what could they find? What could they even do when they couldn’t even find a murderer? If they couldn’t find a murderer how could they find out who wrote some almost childish threatening note compared to murder?
At the end of the day they thought I knew or know something that could jeopardize something they had done, but what? Was it Georgie’s murderer? It was too much of a coincidence to rule that out, just after her death and since it was me who found her, well, at least her head. I couldn’t go to tell, but what I could do was keep my head down low and try to convey to this creep that I didn’t know anything and I wasn’t speaking up. And whilst I’m acting innocent and stupid I’m going to be literally on my toes and trying to figure out what the hell I apparently knew. Mainly though I’ll be keeping my eyes wide open and checking over my shoulder because I wasn’t planning on catching up with Georgie any time soon.
It didn’t matter though, because today I was starting off as a new person and this note wasn’t another threatening note. As I had already told myself, it was way too early for it to be another threatening note. It’s what made it easier for me to pick up the note and open it up, all dread and fear gone as I smiled easily, my mind already wandering off to lunch time…
“Stephanie?”
My hands shook as I stared vacantly down at the small piece of paper in my hands, a piece of paper having the same effect on me as if someone held up a gun to my head. It was the same, identical even; white paper with cut out words from a magazine, the only difference was the words.
“Cat got your tongue?”
I felt like my breath had been knocked out of me, like someone had slammed me right in the gut and pulled out my lungs, or worse, my heart. My breath caught, lodging painfully in my throat as I stared down at the piece of paper stunned into disbelief. I didn’t know what to do; I couldn’t put my faith in the police who couldn’t do anything! I didn’t feel safe putting my trust into anyone at this very moment, I didn’t feel safe and as time went on I felt more confined and smothered, someone was watching me! Someone had access to my books and locker! Someone knew something about me that I didn’t even know myself!
“Stephanie!” a loud voice sliced its way through the loud thrum of my beating heart.
I startled up, blinking dazed up at Mrs. Mathews “S-sorry?” I stammered, not even having the capacity to blush a fiery hue like I’d usually do under the entire classes’ scrutiny.
“Ah, so you’ve got a tongue after all.” she teased with a cheeky grin cocking me a look.
I knew deep down she was joking, yet in that moment with a thundering heart and fear instilling every inch of my pores it was more a slap in the face than anything. Those words…
She shook her head when she got no smile or reaction from me “Come back to the living and follow along now dear.” She murmured tapping the sheet in front of me, my assessment I don’t even remember Adam handing to me, before she turned her back and walked up the front of the classroom.
I shook my head, looking back down but my drifts were unable but to drift back to the note. Cat got your tongue? I didn’t even know what I knew to put them at harm, this had to be a sick joke, like a lets pick on the shy nobody prank, right? The strain in my shoulders and neck from my stiff protective hunched over shoulders was an answer enough.
This wasn’t a joke anymore…
Ƹ̵Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
I walked out into the sun, maths over and more than ever did I feel queasy. It was like I was right back to the day I had found Georgie’s head in the sanitation bin, my gut was churning and my mouth tasted of the bile that was absent.
This was for all new reasons though, all morning I had been looking forward to starting off as this new fresh me, I wasn’t changing myself no, but it was the day I was going to open up and be honest. Yet how on earth was I to do that when I was getting threatening notes who I was certain more than ever was Georgie’s murderer? It didn’t instill the best of confidence upon you, more than ever I was leaning towards the idea that it’s safest not to change.
My mind drifted back to the reason of this change, to how I wanted to see if Gav could see me any differently, in all new light. My heart instantly pounded at all the daydreams I’d had since I spoke to my mum yesterday afternoon, of all the scenarios were Gav would look at me, really look at me and instantly the story was followed by the happily ever after where we’d walk off into the sunset together. It was corny, clichéd and far from the reality of love and life and yet I was willing to open up and be honest even with some crazy murderer and some crazy note sender just for Gav, for that story.
My decision was made, I wasn’t hiding and I certainly wasn’t letting some note scare me. So what, they’d threatened me three times but had they actually done anything? No they hadn’t, besides, I didn’t have anything on them despite what they thought and maybe if they continued watching me they’d realize that.
Still, walking across our schools oval during lunch with my held up high was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. there was footballs being kicked and passed around, girls gossiping in large circles and flirting and countless other people enjoying the sun and laughing, maybe even gossiping about me as I walked by? It wasn’t as if I was some Vampire and never seen the sun, I didn’t hide every day in the music room, but I certainly didn’t hang out in this area of the school and I certainly was never alone in public without Kate or someone I trusted.
My stomach churned and butterflies soared within to such deadly heights as I forced myself to take one step in front of another. But as soon as my eyes fell on Gav standing over by a group of his mates, laughing and chatting carelessly with that charming goofy smile it all vanished and I was stopping my suddenly my eager legs from racing straight to him.
I watched him, the sun dancing down upon him with a soft smile and as if he could hear my thoughts or feel my gaze he looked up, pausing in laughter and his eyes instantly found me. his eyes lit up for the briefest of moments as he stepped around his confused and startled friends and walked straight to me, or to my glee rather raced to my side as I met him halfway.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asked his gaze torn between confused and anxious as he sounded almost breathless with worry.
My lips twitched; mum was right, I really did let everyone do all the chasing.
“Yeah,” I smiled, feeling more confident than ever that this was a great change, a change for the best as I felt one step closer to that sunset “I just came over to ask you something.” I said, my butterflies of fear I noted having vanished.
“What’s that?” he asked, his gaze anxiously searching my own obviously expecting it to be something serious.
Instead I caught him off guard even more with the first random question that came to mind “I just wanted to know if you watched The Simpsons last night.”
He looked at me stunned, as if slapped in the face and I couldn’t help but giggle at his expression. At the expression the shock slid of his face as he looked at me, really looked at me as my faint smile only grew and grew until I looked down giggling with a warm blush as I kicked a pebble shyly.
“The Simpsons?” he asked again, as if having heard me wrong.
I smiled looking back at him with an impish innocent grin “Yeah, it was a good episode. Apu got shot, again.”
I watched slowly as the realization flickered upon his face, the realization that I wasn’t coming to him with a problem or needing support but rather seeking him out because I wanted his company rather than I needed him to clean up my mess and wipe away the tears. I watched a goofy handsome grin spread and curled along his face, his face lighting up like the sun coming out after a storm.
Gav smiled at me before turning around and making his way back to the table with his friends, myself following behind him “Is that the second or third time?” he asked glancing over his shoulder, that dazzling smile never wavering.
“He has been shot way many times that three.” I argued smiling at him.
“Really?” he challenged, his grin growing as he faced me “How many then?”
“I’d say over twenty, maybe even fifty.” I said not even knowing the answer, it’s not like The Simpsons take statistics themselves and I was prone to exaggerate “Right Phil?” I asked turning to him, the guy I recognized and knew was Gav’s best friend.
Phil’s green eyes grew in shock at being bought into the conversation, it was easy to say that all of them were quite shocked and curious where this conversation. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them knew my name, it’s not like I introduced myself or they’ve talked to me. There were six of them all up that I knew through observing, gossip and Gav talking about them proudly, it always made me wish that he’d talk to others about me like that. The six were Gav, Phil, Adam, Craig, Chris and Jake and every single one of them were staring at me torn between stunned, confused, amused and simply curious. Hell, if I could I’d be looking at myself the same way.
“Um,” he hesitated unsure as he ran his fingers through the back of his dirty blonde hair “yes?” he asked rather than agreed.
“Good answer.” I said happily, smiling back broadly at them all, my smile only growing more at the sound of Gav chuckling beside me and slightly behind “I’m S-“
“Steph,” Phil interrupted with a smile “we know who you are.” He winked.
I blushed “Oh, of course you do.” I murmured softly, I had forgotten about the entire gossip racing around the school, it was so unbelievable at how easily I forgot everything when I was around Gavin.
“Through Gav I mean,” Phil spoke up, as if reading my thoughts or reading my sudden fallen face “he doesn’t shut up about you.”
I couldn’t deny that my eyes and smile lit up as I looked over my shoulder at Gav “You talk about me?” I asked mostly in awe with the faint lining of teasing.
Gav chuckled “Well if I want you to be part of the gang I have to start earning you brownie points somehow, right?” he teased as he wrapped his arm around my neck in a playful chokehold as he drew me into his side.
Any other day I would have been giddy with disbelief and excitement over the fact that he was holding me – even if it was a chokehold – and my back was pressed into his front. Any other day my heart would have raced and butterflies would have swarmed wildly inside me; I wouldn’t be able to think of anything else but his warm enticing skin I could feel through his shirt or even his manly spicy scent that tickled my nose. Yet all I could think was; part of the gang. How could such an intentionally friendly and sweet gesture feel like someone just ripped out your heart?
I laughed weakly as I looked down “Oh.”
Phil laughed as he began to question me about what Simpson episode I had watched last night and the conversation soon drifted from that show and to other TV shows than movies and than even video games and more. all six of the boys joined into the conversation and even though at times I didn’t have any idea what they were talking about it I found myself legit enjoying the conversation, they were funny and they weren’t mean, judging or hostile towards me. They didn’t care I was there joining in the conversation, if anything they treated me as if I had always been part of the conversation. I found myself enjoying hanging around them and realizing that even if Gav wasn’t here it’d be awesome to be part of this gang.
“You know you manage to surprise me every time.” Gav murmured in my ear softly so the others couldn’t hear after a while, although the others were already talking about something else.
My ear and body trembled and twitched under his warm breath tickling the back of my neck and ear, my breath instantly caught “I do?” I breathed raggedly to my embarrassment.
“Mmmm.” Gav hummed in agreement as his arm wrapped around me in a chokehold stroked the side of my face, running along my fringe of my hair “I like your hair like this.” He murmured softly, almost like he was talking to himself.
I blushed scarlet “Thank you.” I murmured lamely, not knowing honestly what to say. Maybe I should have tried; I like you.
I looked up at him to find him watching his fingers stroke and run through my hair and along my skin, my senses skyrocketing and crackling under the electricity and chemistry. Could he feel this too?
“Is it a good surprise?” I breathed watching his gaze move from a rather delicate and intimate part of my body to dance up and meet my gaze, his gaze leaving me breathless.
The corner of his lips twitched “The best.”
“Tell me something that’d surprise me about you.” I asked of him softly, wanting to feel closer to him, wanting to forget everything around us and everything that scared me.
“Hmmm,” he hummed in thought, pushing the loose strands that had fallen out of my ponytail out of my face with his large hand “I bet you don’t know that I play the guitar.”
I gaped at him “You play the guitar?” my voice louder than our softer and intimate conversation, slightly killing the chemistry and sensual feel of this conversation.
Gav’s smile grew as he chuckled softly under his breath, vibrating against my own body “I play the guitar.” He agreed.
“You don’t…” I trailed off disbelieving “Really?” I asked stunned and in awe.
The ring of the bell and end of lunch killed the conversation and made it hard for me to hear his beautiful rusty chuckle as the bell sat just above where they say, making me cringe and yet I still watched him earnestly looking for the answer.
Gav caught my earnest gaze and he chuckled rolling his eyes teasingly “C’mon you, off to class.” He murmured as he let go and reached for his backpack.
I sighed reluctantly as I realized I wasn’t going to get my answer.
Hoisting my backpack onto my shoulder and listening to the laughter and chatter all around me a question of Kate’s came to the front of my mind. “Who knew underneath all that hair you had blue eyes?” I turned to face Gav, looking at him curiously and pondering the thought, before today did he know I had baby blue eyes? Before today did he know me just as much as he knows me today? If I found out, it’d be the big hint of if Gav was worthy and trusting of my friendship, if there was a chance…
Gav looked up feeling my intent gaze, his lips twitched “Your still not on about the guitar thing are you?” he asked teasingly and yet beneath the surface I could see his insecurities of telling me about him playing the guitar, had he never told anybody before? I couldn’t help but wonder.
I smiled suddenly as I shook my head frantically before whipping around with my back to him and covering my eyes “Tell me something.” I insisted, my heart thundering loudly.
Gav chuckled and I could practically feel the waves of amusement and confusement rolling off him “What are you doing silly girl?” he asked walking up behind me and reaching for my hands covering my eyes, my heart tumbling just from his gentle words of calling me ‘silly girl’. Was that insane?
I shook my head fiercely, keeping my hands glued to my eyes “No!” I cried through a gigantic grin and laughter.
Gav chuckled before sighing with mock exasperation “What are you doing?”
“Answer me a question.” I insisted.
“Alright, what’s the question?” he asked and I could picture him with a grin.
“What color are my eyes?”
My heart thudded loud and slow, a second feeling like a year and a second too late even though there had not even been two that had passed. I shuddered as I felt the front of him press up against my back, the heat of his body a great enough answer in my eyes already. His hands wrapped around me where my hands sat covering my eyes, he didn’t tug them away but rather circled his fingers around my wrists gently, rather sweetly as I held my breath in anticipation.
“You have the most gorgeous baby blue eyes silly girl.” He murmured low in my ears, tickling the back of my neck.
I smiled turning around to face him as I smiled gigantically up at him, feeling invincible and this high indestructible “You knew.” I breathed, my heart thundering.
Gav smiled at me tenderly with a crooked smile “Of course I knew.” He answered as if the idea of him not knowing me was astounding “Now come on you, we’ve got class.” He murmured tugging on my hand he still held and tugging the frivolous me to class.
He certainly surprised me…
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