I sighed wearily, running my fingers through my hair as I closed the front door behind me. Gavin had just dropped me off from school today and I felt exhausted, all I could honestly think about was what Carl and Chris had said to us today. The news left me breathless and utterly distraught, there was this aching gap within me and I just didn’t know how to feel or even how to react. A murder was still out there, loose and walking in amongst innocent people. How did the police have utterly no leads whatsoever?

I shook my head, feeling utterly exhausted. Since finding Georgie I had been pushing it all aside, pushing it down and out of thought. But now I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I fell apart. How was I meant to deal with this, how was anyone to know how to deal with this? I could go to a shrink but what words could they even give me that would be any constellation? It’s not like I could wipe that memory from my mind, if I could remove that memory, that visual of her wide vacant eyes staring up at me everything would be okay, I could cope. But I couldn’t remove it and that I would have to live with forever and by doing so I needed to forget it, I needed to push it all aside – that’s what I was doing.

I couldn’t help but note that Gavin could do that for me without even trying, I didn’t have to try to forget around him. Without even trying all was forgotten and all that haunting gut wrenching fear was taken away, Gavin made me feel happy, carefree and invincible. He was like a band aid, an anesthetic made specifically for me and I couldn’t deny that even if Gav and I would only ever be friends I’d be content with that, as long as he was in my life, as long as he gave me that feeling as if we were the only two people in the world I was happy.

Shaking my head as if to shake the thoughts aside I stepped through the house, walking into the kitchen to find my mum at the kitchen bench cooking something. She looked up at me at the sound of my footsteps and smiled broadly up at me, that motherly bright smile “Hey honey, how was school?” she asked eagerly.

I shrugged muttering an “Alright.”

Mum sighed heavily, wearily “I thought that was what I was going to hear.” She murmured softly, almost as if talking to herself.

It instantly caught my attention “What?” I couldn’t deny it held a little impatience in my voice; was there something bad I was going to hear? For one moment I just wanted to sit back and relax, bum around just for a bit and vege out. I wasn’t stupid, I knew once I stopped and could breathe my thoughts will soon cloud my entire mind, but maybe that was a good, maybe I needed that?

Mum smiled at me softly, almost sadly “Look honey, I bit my tongue and gave you these days to wrap your mind around things.” She said smiling warmly, I nodded taking a seat on the stool by the kitchen island “But you aren’t dealing with things and it’s not working.”

I shook my head; almost fiercely “I don’t want to see a shrink.”

Mum nodded “I know, I know.” She soothed me holding up her hands reassuringly “You don’t have to see a counselor honey; I wouldn’t force those things upon you.” She murmured softly “Besides, I know you. If I force you to do something you’ll resist it and fight, I’ve got to let you decide and pray it’s the best decision.” She murmured giving me a rueful glance with a twitched lip.

I smiled faintly looking down at the granite counter with speckled patterns covered with cooking ingredients and scattered out flour, I knew she was right, she was my mother after all. “So what do you want me to do?” I murmured softly, drawing patterns and images into the flour on the counter top.

My mum crouched down over the counter, bobbing down so her gaze could meet mine “I want you to talk to me honey.” She cooed “Your father and I and everyone else that loves you is worried about you, and I don’t know if you know this,” she began her lips tipping faintly at the side “but we’re here sweetie, every step of the way.”

I shook my head tearing my gaze from her, hiding just how much I have buried deep below “There’s not much to tell mum.” I murmured shaking my head sadly “It happened, I just have to move on….”

“Sweetie,” she breathed in disapproval, making me look up curiously “I’m a nurse, I see patients go through traumatic experiences, I see the patients’ families and friends go through, hell even the person in the other car in that accident that is at fault. I see it daily Steph and I know there is always something to say, something to get off ones chest.” She murmured softly “That is exactly what counselors are there for, a possible way for you to vent and help you figure it out, get some perspective.” She murmured earnestly, holding my gaze the entire time “We send patients to see counselors all the time, and I know you don’t want to see one,” she murmured and I was grateful that she accepted that “but if you won’t speak to one at least talk to me, to your father, to Kate, to somebody.” She pressed, almost pleadingly with a mother’s worry.

I sighed heavily; I couldn’t deny my mother’s wishes, especially not with a voice like that “You know the barbeque you and Debbie arranged to try and set Gav and I up?” I asked.

Out of the corner of my eyes I could see her lips curve up torn between sheepish, guilty and amused and yet also a grimace “You noticed that hey?” she asked, sounding like a guilty busted child, teenager.

I laughed weakly, rolling my eyes as I reached out and dipped my finger into the mixture, apparently mum was making cupcakes “I’m not stupid mum, I saw you and Debbie watching us the entire, you guys were practically gushing.” I cried laughing as I thought back to that day, how they not so subtly watched our every move with wide cherished cat grins “I’m not sure Gav saw though.” I admitted feeling grateful and relieved at that, if he did how embarrassing!

Mum laughed under her breath shaking her head before sighing, her face smoothing out into seriousness again “Okay, so what happened that day?” she murmured gently, not pressing me.

I startled her as I plunked my school bag down on the counter top, reaching in I fished out my ticket that was tucked away snugly and protectively from all damage in my wallet. Pulling it out I felt my mum’s watching gaze as I slid it onto the counter and slid it across it to be right before her.

Mum frowned reaching down for it before her eyes lit up excitedly “Oh sweetie, this is amazing!” she gushed her smile contagious as I smiled back “This is so exciting, did he ask you that day?” She gushed, her voice rising excitement, practically bouncing on her feet.

I smiled watching her; I knew how much she loved the idea of this. I know she wasn’t disappointed in me, but I knew deep down she worried about my social life or rather lack thereof. I had Kate sure but I didn’t go out to group parties or wasn’t invited either, I didn’t participate in sport groups or was even involved in anything else that was something other than just me or Kate. Without Kate and even some of the time I was a loner, Kate had her own groups and camp friends of hers other than me and although she didn’t ditch me she still caught up with those people. I was different, I didn’t have friends outside her and I knew that worried my parents, they thought I was being bullied at first, closing up or going into some sort of a depression. Sooner though they realized I just wasn’t an outgoing person, I preferred to be on my own. It still didn’t mean they didn’t worry though, didn’t want more for me, sometimes though when I told them my weekend involved reading or watching movies with Kate or I’d see that worry I felt like a letdown, a fail for a child to my parents, I couldn’t deny there was days I simply felt different, that I wasn’t a normal teenager and I worried that my parents felt the same – was there something wrong with me?

I nodded smiling softly as I thought back to when Gavin asked me, blushing faintly as I remembered how utterly infatuated I was with his hands “Yeah he asked me.”

She looked at me, as if soul searching “Sweetie I don’t get it, what is wrong with this?”

I shook my head looking down again, the cupcake mixture looking utterly sweet and comforting “What’s wrong is that he wants to go with me, as friends.” I added on sourly, unable but to pout at it.

Her excited face entirely fell, the smile gone as she looked at me in sympathy and I couldn’t deny it made me feel worse, I hated that sympathy glance it was just as bad as pity. She was speechless for quite some time, trying to find words that would find any meaning to us “Oh.” She finally murmured.

“Yup.” I agreed, resting my chin in my palm as I popped the ‘p’.

“Well honey,” she sighed pursing her lips “you have three options.” She admitted as I looked at her expectantly “One; you can stay friends and see where it goes. Two; tell him the truth and risk what they can lead to. Or three; cut off all relations to move on and prevent yourself for the possible rejection.” She listed honestly, bluntly honest.

I nodded “I know that, but that’s not my problem.” I admitted honestly “It’s more the fact that….well Gavin has never looked at me twice before Monday and now we’re friends? I mean, it just doesn’t fit completely right with me, I mean, why hasn’t he befriended me before?” I explained, asking and speaking the thoughts that had been plaguing my mind.

“I’ll tell you a little story,” she murmured propping her elbows up on the counter and resting her chin in her hands looking directly at me “when I was in school I was completely and utterly smitten with your father,” I smiled softly, I knew this story; he walked into the classroom one day and he just saw her, like in the movies “what you don’t know honey is that when I was in school, I was just like you.” Now this part of the story I didn’t know of “I sat up the back in class, I kept to myself and you know what it did?” she asked me, continuing before I could even shake my head “It got me so frustrated Steph, I wanted him to notice, to take a second glance in my direction.” She said, almost begging desperately as she smiled at me in mild amusement and yet frustration.

“One day I came home in tears of frustration and the best thing happened to me,” she admitted, piquing my interest even more “your grandma came in and after wiping away my tears “she said to me ‘My daft little girl, he cannot see past your shield as you sit invisible in the back of the room.’” She smiled softly, lovingly as she spoke of her mother “See I was just like you, I hid and avoided attention, I put up a shield and shied myself away ‘till I became invisible or dull, someone not worthy of getting to know.” She said giving me a knowing smile that shocked me, my mum was so happy and upbeat, bubbly and outgoing, she was a nurse. The person she was describing didn’t sound real, it didn’t sound like her.

“What my mum was getting at and even told me was that since I didn’t let people see my true self and hid how were people meant to get to know me and like my actual self?” she asked rhetorically “There is shy but there is also taking shyness to an extreme level honey, I mean they hadn’t been pushing me away, I had been pushing them away – closing myself up so tight only made me unapproachable.” She explained, I blinked at her back stunned; her words wrecked something within, her words, her theory, it was terrifying. Only because it was true, it honestly was true and highly possible.

My mum’s sudden giggle suddenly bought me back to the surface “The next day,” she reflected “I let my shield down, I didn’t change myself for him – you don’t change yourself for anyone – but I did let that shield down, became approachable, I smiled back and looked people in the eyes and showed them that it wasn’t that I didn’t want anything to do with them, I was just shy.” She said smiling fondly of that day “It was a daunting day, but the best, because just after lunch and your father walked in with all his footy buddies I looked up just as his eyes met mine,” now this story I knew “and he came and sat right down next to me.”

“So your saying Gav may never have been interested or caught his attention before because I never showed him my true self?” I asked, a hopeful smile glimmering across, after all the saying goes be yourself and you’ll be noticed.

Mum shrugged almost impishly “For all you know, he may have glanced at you before last Monday and approaching you seemed impossible since you made yourself unapproachable to everyone except those you welcome. Not looking people in the eyes and hiding away isn’t the most welcoming.” She murmured offering a faint smile as she reached out and rubbed my arm reassuringly, comfortingly.

I smiled at her, getting up with so much new to think about and mull over and yet it was good things, possible things. I may have the answer to things; maybe I could let down this shield I had all together and let Gavin in entirely. Maybe I could get passed this doubt with Gav and worry about all the other things on my mind, be entirely myself around him and something fall off my shoulders giving me some strength back. Maybe I had the chance of spending my time with Gav happy and enjoying things and there’d be no anxiousness, paranoia, doubt, hesitation that clouded and tarnished those joyful moments.

I smiled back at mum, feeling so grateful already. Maybe I couldn’t talk to her about my other problems, Georgie’s head or the threat I got on that piece of paper – not now maybe ever – but it was nice to at least confess and discuss one thing.

“Thanks mum,” I whispered smiling sincerely “you know, for listening.”

Mum smiled softly back at me “We’re here for you sweetie.”

I nodded accepting that, accepting that I did have those there for me if needed, I wasn’t alone. I knew that and when the time was right I’d talk to them because they were constant, but in this moment I wasn’t ready to talk and they’d accepted that. Some things take time to understand and I can’t talk to others about it when I’m still trying to understand it all. I need to understand some things first or wait for some things to finish first, like Georgie’s murderer to be caught so I stopped suspecting and thinking such awful things of an innocent girl, Cindy.

“Steph?” she called as I made my way out of the room, ready to make my way upstairs for some homework, maybe chat with Gav on Facebook. I glanced back at her over my shoulder at her, curious “You ask why he hasn’t befriended you before; have you asked yourself why you haven’t befriended him before?”

Ƹ̵Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

I made my way up the stairs, my thoughts in a spiral of thoughts and questions. All the things mum spoke of and even suggested I couldn’t help but wonder if it could be so simple. I couldn’t help but ask was my more so lonely life my own fault? Was I to blame? It’s not that I regretted it, not having other friends but it did make me wonder; if I didn’t deflect myself from those around me would I be a different person by now? Would I prefer that life, that person?

Contemplating all these things said to me I stepped into my room, throwing my bag down on my bed I walked over to my desk, turning on my laptop eager at the thought of talking to Gav. Smiling faintly to myself and humming I stuck my ticket to the festival on my pin board glancing up at it dreamily and eagerly, for the first time ever a guy had asked me out, and sure it wasn’t a date but still, a guy wanted to take me somewhere and of all places the seniors’ festival!

Logging in I spent my time looking around on Facebook and looking up keynotes, music script to try out on the piano. I couldn’t help but notice that I was looking up songs I’ve never looked at before, songs of love and happiness. That talk to mum didn’t conquer and rid of all demons, but when it came to thoughts of Gav – and a lot of my thoughts centered and revolved around Gav – I felt lighter, happier and on top of the world. For the first time in my life, I wanted to play song of love.

My smile seemed to only grow and grow the longer I spent time talking to Gav, chatting and laughing about the silly and random things in life my stomach was swarmed with butterflies and I couldn’t sit still I was that happy and excited. I didn’t know what it was, was this normal for any crush? Or was I only reacting so wildly because it was my first crush?

Smiling and laughing at something Gav had said I spun around on my chair to my bed where my backpack was left, it was past sick o’clock and dark outside. Gav and I had part ways not long ago and it was now time I started on my pile of homework to do before I drowned or began to start getting lazy and failed. Mum’s amazing cooking wafting from downstairs wasn’t helping either at all, or the thought of mum’s amazing cupcakes being down there either, they were to die for.

Humming softly to the music I had playing on my laptop through my iTunes I searched around in my backpack, emptying and unpacking it for the day. I piled up a dozen of textbooks and notebooks on my bed and all the other things crammed back in my overflowing my backpack, my back protested thrumming just at the thought of carrying that thing around daily. I was reaching the very bottom of my bag that I found it, crammed at the very bottom scrunched up was a piece of paper, I didn’t think anything of it ‘till I bought it out and read it, the world falling down upon me once again.

               “Bite your tongue honey or I’ll have to cut it out for ya.”

I gasped, the breath knocked out of me as I vacantly just stared at it, my hands shaking, trembling. No matter how many times I read those words over and over again it didn’t make any more sense, my head didn’t stop spinning and the smothering tang of gut wrenching, heart stopping fear didn’t leave me. I had gotten another threat, another note. I couldn’t deny any longer that it was a one off, an accident.

This was real.

My mind raced, not staying in place any longer than a second. Someone had been in my backpack; someone had the chance to get into my personal belongings. Any other day that’d be easy to deduct who had the chance or who was around my bag today, but I had PE today and that meant my backpack was on the gym floor with everyone else’s as we went out to play netball. Anybody had the chance to get my bag, even someone outside my year had the chance to get to my bag, the netball courts weren’t near the doors that went into the gym, I wasn’t even paying attention to who came and went by towards the gym.

Maybe someone got the wrong bag? That little hopeful voice asked softly in the back of my head.

I shook my head miserably; it definitely couldn’t be an accident, not twice in a row. Besides, this note looked exactly the same as the last one, white folded paper with the words having been cut out of magazines – what a cliché.

The reality of this all hit me hard, someone was literally threatening me. Any other time I would have thought they’d be bluffing, but after finding Georgie’s head decapitated in a sanctuary bin it became clear to me that there was a person out there that wasn’t bluffing, that was capable to do such a twisted thing. Was the murderer the same person who was threatening me? Better yet why threaten me? They keep telling me to keep my lips locked, that had to mean that I obviously knew something, something I knew or could say put them in risk, was a threat to them. But what? What did I honestly know that was a threat to this person? So how was I meant to figure out who this person threatening me was when I didn’t even know what I had against them?

Shaking my head I felt helpless, I felt like any moment I was coming undone and yet I was too shocked, too numb to do anything but read the words over again;

                 “Bite your tongue honey or I’ll have to cut it out for ya.”

 ________________________

I know it's rather shorter than usual but on the plus side I'm back into writing this story and this story won't halt again 'till it's finished - welcome back to Masks readers :) 

Click the external link for my Facebook page 

So you guys know my drill; vote, comment and maybe give me a fan, yeah? Do it, I dare you ;) Xx

-------------------------------------

All Rights Reserved 

Copyrighted Material © 

-------------------------------------