I stare at the fresh bouquet of tulips, lost in a trance.

Louis came in with them in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. He said he found them on my doorstep. Imagine how confused he must've been when as he says that, his eyes find the other tulips sitting in the vase in my kitchen.

He heard from a coworker that I'd be coming in late today and when I didn't respond to any of his calls or messages, he got worried. I haven't spoken to him much since we had dinner so that pushed him over the edge and he decided to check up on me with a cup of tea.

Zayn wasn't going to be too happy when he heard about this but neither of us cared right now. While we talked, I filled the tea in my Chip cup and had a few sips of the deliciousness. Sure, it was bad timing for a visit but I always appreciate his company.

Stuck on replay was my mind when it came to that heated moment between Harry and I.

His lips grazed mine.

Enough that I felt a short burst of electricity. Just when I thought he was about to crash his mouth against mine, Harry pulls away and storms out of the bedroom.

This time I don't stop him from leaving.

For minutes, I was still rooted in the same spot that he left me until I composed myself and decided to carry on with my day even though my mind was near exploding. Currently, sipping down my tea while propping my head on my hand, slouched against the ledge of the top.

Something is wrong with me. Much more than I thought. Something definitely has to be wrong with me.

I keep pretending that I'm better than this, I'm better than wanting someone even when I knew they killed and hurt multiple people.

I'm so fucked in the head that that's not enough to turn me away and sprint in the other direction whenever he's near. It should be, but it's not.

I hate him but I wanted him to kiss me.

I hate him and I wanted him to kiss me.

I don't think we can revisit being friends, our time together as kids, growing up and trying to make it through high school was an elite time in my life. That friendship we shared I hold very close to my heart, closer than I'd like to admit now but we can never go back to the way we were.

Not with all thick tension wrapped around us every moment. All the secrets, lies and façades hovering over us at every lock of eyes.

My phone sat face down on the cold countertop rings. I've ignored it so much and I finally decided to stop. I needed to get out of my head, I'd been stuck in it since Harry left.

Zayn Malik. How great.

"Good-"

"Where the fuck are you, Miss Sage?" He harshly says into the phone, cutting me off because he was already too angry and impatient for greetings. "I told you I'll be in late today," I say. This morning I emailed him and left a message for the receptionist.

"If you looked at my emails as you are required to do you would've seen you're needed on my trip to Manhattan right now," I'm so shocked by this that the phone almost slips out of my hand. When I emailed him I saw I had several ones to reply to but I decided I'll do so at work.

I organized everything with his pilot for his private jet as well as his schedule for Manhattan. How did I forget all about it today? I thought he was working at his office today.

"I'm so sorry, something came up and-"

"I don't fucking care about your excuses, Esrin! Get to the airport now!" He shouts at me through the phone and I react the same way as if he would face to face. "Right away. Send me your location and details, please," I answered quickly, already rushing upstairs, abandoning my cup in the sink.

"I already did! Check your emails," he snaps one last time before abruptly ending the call. This isn't the first time I've had to board a plane with Zayn at the last minute for one of his business trips. Whenever he needs extra assistance or someone else to dazzle his audience, I'm the one he calls.

This is the first time since I've started working at Malik Creations that I've ever messed up so badly.

Within another minute I am quickly throwing clothes and other essentials into the smallest suitcase I owned. It cringed me to see the messy state of it as I zipped it up but I didn't have time for neat packing right now.

I multitasked with changing into a suit and doing my hair at the same time since I actually can do my makeup in the car on the way there. My hair is too curly, very difficult to tame and it takes time but I managed to do it as best as I can as quick as I can in a ponytail at the back of my head with my hair tamed down at the front.

No time to call her, I started a voice message while putting on my shoes. "Hey, Remi. I can't call right now so I'm sending a voice message but I'm off to Manhattan with Zayn. Something came up but I'll see you in a few days, call you when I land," I ended and sent the message.

All my other necessities and documents for the flight are in a handbag of mine and another with my makeup. Within ten minutes after Zayn called, I was already at the airport.

I managed to apply simple makeup with light red lipstick before arriving at the port. As I rolled my suitcase behind me, listening to my heels against the floor, I was nervous and probably a little scared of Zayn's reaction.

He was fuming when his eyes found mine. Animating this scene would prove there was steam coming out of his ears. "There you are," he says coldly and I can't blame him.

It's entirely my fault. Even if I was caught up with Harry and dealing with my heartbreak, it was my duty to check my emails for emergencies when I wasn't at work. I was first in Zayn's line whenever something went wrong.

"I'm so sor-"

"Come on," he spins around, clearly not wanting to hear my apology and he walks off. I follow him and we continue to usual protocol and procedures. Our luggage is taken and next, we're in his jet, just as beautiful and elegant as I remembered it.

Have I mentioned that I hate flying on a plane? It's why I avoid it as much as possible and my head has been a mess the whole time so it doesn't hit me until we're settled inside and about to take off. Zayn left me a few minutes ago so I'm left to panic all by myself, dealing with my heart beating so loud I could hear it in my ears, the feeling of wanting to throw up over the carpet.

Torturous minutes pass and  I'm nervously sitting on one of the high-quality leather seats when Zayn approaches me inside the cabin. Across from me is the dark Oakwood table meant as a little dining area.

"I sent you a few things I'd like completed before we land. Suggest you get to them," he says, barely looking at me properly and then he's walking to the other end of the cabin, away from me.

I sighed, as his employee, I was hating that my boss was so upset with me. I have to be on my best behaviour this trip. Doing exactly as he asked, I set up my little workstation on the table and I'm so easily consumed by my work.

Zayn and I don't speak or even see each other until the plane landed five hours later. I begin packing up the table when he approaches me. "Let's go," he orders and I say without looking up at him," yeah, almost done."

"No, now! We're running behind schedule so hold it and let's go," he denies. The work I added on the laptop we're taking extra long to hit one hundred, it's been minutes and it's only at ten percent saved. "The files are still saving," I'm looking up at him now and it's no elephant in the room that he's doing this to spite me. "Hold it," he repeats one last time.

Complying, I slide the bag on my shoulder and gather the papers to hold with one hand at the other, I held the laptop. On two tips of my hand that I held the papers with, I held onto the laptop bag. My hand could give up at any moment and drop the thousand-dollar computer but I don't mind because then it would be his fault.

I see the proud smirk on his face and I realised he'd be great friends with Harry, they both try to make me miserable. At least he has enough kindness in him to roll both of our suitcases.

My phone is ringing the second we're walking through the airport it's stuffed at the bottom of my bag and my hands are too filled to shut it off. Zayn kept looking at me annoyed and each time the noise blares. I try to adjust the laptop on my hands to get the phone but I fail.

It continues until Zayn tries to end my misery. Shocking, right? "Need help?" Zayn offers, a bored look on his face, clearly he wants this moment over faster than I do. He stops in the middle of an empty walkway and my feet halt too.

I accepted his help because the constant ringing was overly annoying and awful timing. "Hold this?" I ask, holding the laptop for him and he scrunches his face. Zayn then slides his hand into my bag that hung from my shoulder. "Okay then," I say and a second later he's pulling out my phone which is still humming from an incoming call.

"Remi," I read the caller ID with a frown on my face because she's probably worried and that makes me worry on the spot. "Wait!" I stop Zayn from hanging up," let me talk to her quickly," I say.

I tried to readjust everything I was holding to grab the phone but it doesn't work out and Zayn is overly annoyed and done with this. He huffs and answers the call for me, turning it on speakerphone.

"Hey, just landed. Everything alright?" I say after answering. "Didn't think to tell me you had a flight last night or this morning?" My entire body stiffens at the sound of the low and rough accented voice. Harry's voice.

In a flash of a second, I bent down and carefully left the stuff on the floor. I grabbed the phone out of Zayn's hands and scurried off for more privacy. Zayn heard that.

"Answer me, Esrin!" Harry shouts through the phone and I turned the loudspeaker off. "That's not any of your business," I smoothly replied, looking back at Zayn. He's not pleased at all, even worst than before but at least he picks up the laptop from the ground.

I'm screwed. "Where's Remi?" I asked, turning away from Zayn and of course, he ignores my question.

"The next time you leave the country without telling me, I'm going to put you on a collar and drag you back myself," Harry warns with a calm yet deep tone, his words sounding as sure as a promise.

Memories of his hand wrapped around my throat run through my mind and my imagination replaces it with a nice leather collar.

I quickly composed myself, smirking a little to myself as the perfect reply lightbulb in my head. "If anyone of us is going to be wearing a collar mister Styles, it's going to be you." With that, I ended the phone call, pleased with my reply but now wasn't the time for this.

Mentally, I groaned at the fact that I had to get back to Zayn. I took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. I wish getting ourselves out of sticky situations were possible but they're not. Even though I didn't want to face him again, I had to.

If he had just held the laptop or even waited on the plane for me like a normal human being, none of this would have happened. Something was out for me today. This trip is important to Zayn and Malik Creations. So far it felt like I've messed up dozens of times and we've just landed.

"Sorry about that," I apologised, leaning down to pick up my bag and the papers that thankfully weren't sprawled around the floor. "Thank you," I say and take back the laptop from him. His empty hands slide into his pockets and he keeps looking at me in a way I don't like.

"That's why you didn't respond to my emails? Busy with my replacement?" He bitterly asks. I glanced around to ensure that this was just between us. "This isn't any of your business," I replied smoothly with my head held high, trying not to falter in front of him. "Oh fuck that, Esrin," he scoffs, screwing his face in annoyance.

"No and screw you for reacting like this when you're out and about with that girl," I fired back at him before I can even consider the words. The moment I realised what I said, I wished I could take it back. When I see Zayn's taken back reaction, I regretted it even more.

It was like I was just waiting for that one, wasn't I? I was just as bad as he was, throwing that in his face but I guess I couldn't keep it in. "What? How do you know about her?" He asks, I can already tell he's going to throw me under an interrogation where I have no choice but to answer him.

"No, someone saw you and told me.." I trailed off with the lie, not wanting to say the truth. "Told you? Does that mean someone knows about us?" His voice is louder, loud enough that it makes me flinch. "No, no. I meant I saw you," I blurted out.

Zayn eases, a silent sigh of relief passing from his lips. "Good, keep it that way," he simply says and turns forward, walking off without me, the sound of our suitcases following. He expected an explanation but couldn't dare to return one about that girl. The audacity of that man.

His hired private vehicle takes us to a hotel, one that I unintentionally compared to the one Harry had me in. Zayn checks into two rooms on one of the middle floors and we take the elevator up together, silence hanging over us strongly.

"I'll see you downstairs in an hour, freshen up," is all Zayn says before he's turning around and walking to his hotel room that was directly next to mine. Using the keycard, I swiped it across the pad and the door opens.

I barely look around, making a beeline to the bedroom. Once I found it, I dropped everything in the middle and then sat on the edge of the bed with my shoulders sagging, my hands holding my new phone. There are messages from Louis and Remi, no surprise there.

Remi:

Oh shit babe that sounds awful, good luck.

Sorry just got back my phone from Harry.

The idiot stole it.

Call me soon, please!

Did you land yet?

He's taking you to one of those fancy hotel resorts or rented mansions, isn't he?

I managed to reply to one message to Remi, saying 'hi.' While I'm typing the other, Finley's name flashed across my screen as an incoming FaceTime and I answered immediately. I assume that he's probably with Remi and Harry, I'm sure Eddie is there too.

"Sweet pea!" His bright face covers my screen but he's sad, not cheerful as usual when he calls me that name.

"Pretty please tell me you'll be back for my birthday, please!" He pleads with his lips overly pouted while batting his eyelashes at me. "Birthday? You're turning twenty-one so soon?" I say. It feels like recently Remi told me his birthday was weeks away. Now it's days away.

"I refuse to turn twenty-one if you're not there to celebrate with me!" he insists and I laugh at that. "Fear not, I will be," I say with a smile on my face because I'd hate to disappoint him. Thankfully, I should be back home a day before his birthday on Friday.

"Yes! Well, you missed the announcement about my birthday party, so here is your special invitation. Friday, time-to-be-determined, Eddie's house, naked party," there's equal excitement in every word he says.

I'm totally with for this until he says the last one and it's enough to confuse me entirely. "Did you just say naked party?" He's nodding crazily now. I've never heard of that before. "Yes, I did. It's basically a normal party of ours with minimal clothing possible, I want hot and sexy," he explains. Oh.

"It's only going to be a few people, everyone Will be people that we trust. Remi will give you all the details," he assures me. I should be too old for this but I can't help but feel excited. Does partying ever end? Doesn't it have a time limit on that? You only live once.

"But that's not all," he goes on," on Saturday we're going to Harry's beach house for the weekend!" My face falls at that news and I can tell it's not the reaction I wanted. That beach house is unfamiliar territory maybe in the middle of nowhere. I'll be lucky if there's even good service, right?

Totally out of the question.

Now that I thought of it, my period was due soon and I knew that because thanks to birth control, my period stays constant for the most part. It never was that way especially when I'd have my period twice a month and thought something was wrong with me.

"I'll have to get back to you on that one," I tell him. Even though he shows a little disappointment, he's okay with it. "Okay! Can't wait. Fly back soon!" Fin sends a bunch of kisses through the phone and then we say goodbye.

After, I send a quick few texts to Remi and Louis. He was completely stunned over the phone when I told him about my morning after he left. Of course, I don't mention any of it that includes Harry.

I did a quick shower in the lavish bathroom just so I can feel better. I changed into a pantsuit that Louis claims make me look like a 'proper bad bitch boss' it's weird to hear him say the word bitch, something he doesn't say often. Unless it's called for like that moment.

All I wanted to do was hide under the duvet and rest away from the world but that was basically impossible.

Meeting Zayn in the lobby, he's rapidly typing away on his phone and looks up at the perfect moment to see me walking towards him. He abandons his phone, sliding it into his pocket. As if he's done it a thousand times before- he has- without hiding it his eyes drink me in. "Let's go," he mutters and I pretended I didn't notice that.

His driver takes us to one of his friend's homes. More like the mansion of all mansions. The door was already open and his friend was waiting inside. Zayn opened the damn door for me. He never did that before. What's going on? I feel better when Harry does things like this out of nowhere, not Zayn.

I mentally jotted down a note that he seems to be in a much better and different mood starting when we met up in the lobby. Did the elevator switch realms or something? All the anger he wore before was washed off and instead replaced with something else.

Anyway, turns out it was just two wealthy businessmen catching up over a glass of hard liquor. Things like these are something Zayn does often to stay on the good side of these people who are only powerful because of their money.

His friend, whose name I already forgot, I didn't like him at all. I can see the way he looks at us both with suspicion and amusement. What he's looking for is buried in the past. He's even dropped a few jokes, all that Zayn denies smoothly and laughs along.

Afterwards, we rush to meet one of Zayn's workers that required our confirmation of their project and steps on how to take things further to Zayn's wishes. Lunch was spent mostly prepping for tomorrow more than eating but I still managed to have enough food to last me the rest of the day.

It seems like Zayn forgave me easily for being late and we both ignored the phone call incident. I kept brushing off how nice he starts being once we get comfortable in Manhattan, I blamed it on the air or something until he was so obvious I couldn't deny it much longer.

It's after that when the intense stuff starts and I put on my big girl pants. Everything goes by smoothly, maybe even better than both of us planned even though it took a lot to make it happen. The look he gave me after I managed to convince one of his clients that our deal was better was tattooed to my brain all day long.

His hand placed on my lower back guiding me to the office didn't help, nor did him opening my doors for me or smiling way too brightly at me. Something is going on.

It's a late hour when we return to the hotel. I've successfully ignored his weird behaviour all day. Zayn mentioned earlier that we'll have dinner together at the hotel restaurant but that's cancelled because both of us are too tired for that. Opted for crashing in our rooms and leaving those plans for tomorrow.

"Esrin," Zayn calls just when I was about to enter my room and at the same time, he catches my arm. I spun around to look at him, trying to hold myself back from bending his hand away from me. "Let's order room service and have dinner together. It's been a long day and we're not done with this trip yet," he offers.

It surprises me, my speechlessness shows that. "Please? They happened to have left your favourite bottle of wine in there," his head nods to the right, his room. Today has been a very odd day and I am very ready for it to be over.

"Why? What's all this about?" I ask him and he sighs, shrugging his shoulders. "I feel bad for the way I acted earlier and I'm sorry," he confesses. I think it over, realising this could be Zayn trying to mend our assistant-boss relationship or maybe he craves something else from me.

"Okay," I agreed and he flashes me one of those smiles that used to make butterflies flutter in my stomach, but not anymore I guess. I follow him inside with my guard up and remained standing next to him as he shuts the door and locks it.

Facing each other, Zayn keeps those heated eyes on me as he lifts his hands to my shoulders to slide off my blazer jacket to reveal the fully navy blue buttoned shirt. "Better," he says and takes the lead again, walking into his room that was a replica of mine.

"How are you? Not today, just..." he asks and it seems like a genuine question. My answer is nowhere near genuine, it is my default response," good. You?"

My eyes wandered around the room even though I knew what most of it looked like already. "Not fantastic but I can tell this trip is going to change that..." I don't know what to reply to that, I don't know what he means by it. Suddenly, I'm way more uncomfortable here than I thought it would be.

Zayn picks up the phone and walks away but I remained here. It feels relieving when he's away. Less than a minute later he's saying goodbye to someone and then returns the phone to the table. "Food will be here soon," he says.

"Actually, I just remembered I have work to complete and I'm-"

"No, please? Have the wine first at least?" Zayn interrupts me, not taking no for an answer. Zayn walks over to the little cabinet and takes out two wine glasses, I watched every movement he makes while pouring wine into them and none of it phases me.

"Sit," he commands, taking a seat too on the couch. I sit down next to him because I didn't have another choice and the side of my leg is pressed to his. I don't like this at all, wake me up from this dream.

"It's been a long day," Zayn hums, keeping his eyes on me as he took a sip of wine while his hand offers me mine. I take it, agreeing with him. I feel uncomfortable not the usual seductive excitement I used to once upon a time ago.

He's deadly handsome in every suit he wears especially with a face like that. Those eyes can make you do anything he wants. His words, the way it rolls off his tongue in certain ways is enough to hypnotize. Why isn't any of it working on me anymore?

What happened? I wanted this, right?

"Out of that pretty head of yours," his tone is playful with a matching smile, gently tapping the side of my head with his finger and then sliding it down, lingering on my jaw.
When his hand falls to the top of my thigh, I hold the glass tighter in my hand.

"Esrin..." his eyes scan my face and there's a longing in his as he does it. "I'm tired of being professional," he whispers. The confession is a lot for him to say, I can feel it with the vulnerable weight with which he says it. But that's not enough for me to keep pretending that I wanted to sit here and want this.

I stare at his hand longer wondering when it all changed. I waited for this for so long. I wanted this for so long. When did I stop? When did I become immune to his charm? He has someone else in his life for heaven's sake!

"Right after you found out I have someone else," I look up at him. His shoulders tense and his lips part to say something but they shut right after. Zayn looks away from me, sliding his hand away from me.

"Is that all this is?" My voice is a whisper because I'm afraid to be any louder around him. "You're jealous? Hate that I'm not all yours anymore?"

"No, no," he denies and I lean forward to put the glass on the table and I face him better. Now was my chance to have this conversation and ask him what I wanted. There's a rage of fire boiling inside me that cheers me on to do exactly so.

"What will it take for you to tell me then? Tell me why you ended it so suddenly," I questioned him. Zayn rubs his hands along his growing stubble, his eyes fleet across the room suddenly interested in watching everything but me. He couldn't keep his eyes off me, what happened now?

I wait patiently, something that I never seem to do these days. Something that is impossible around Harry but possible around everyone else.

"Wasn't my body enough? Got bored?" I accused him with the tone of my voice. Those brown eyes that are a shade or two lighter than mine seemed so conflicted but defeated all at the same time. "Yeah, yeah it wasn't. Didn't see the sense in taking the risk anymore..." he goes on.

I'm not worth a risk? The fragile voice in my head speaks.

You're not supposed to be taking risks in the first place. The other more bitter voice reminds me.

"Fuck you," I snapped and Zayn's eyes widen and as I get up and walked away, I realised he's never heard me curse before. "No! Damn it, I didn't mean that!" He shouts after me but I'm already making my way to retrieve my jacket.

"If you walk out that door you'll be finding your own way home!" Zayn threatens, his voice hitting me with full effect. This wasn't worth it and I shouldn't cause more damage than there already is.

Zayn knows a little glimpse of my past relationship. He knows. God, I hate him much more than anyone else. My body has affected too many serious moments in my life and I'm tired of it.

With my jacket thrown over my shoulder and my hand holding the doorknob, I turned around to give him one last thing. "Good luck landing those deals and acing those meetings without me, tomorrow. We both know you needed me here because I'm the reason this company does so well," after that, the door slams on my way out.

I'm not. It felt so wrong to say that especially because I know how talented and hard-working Zayn is but I said it anyway. There are dozens of people that are behind every success he makes even if they're on his payroll. Zayn is still a bigger reason for the success than I am. A close second.

I'm booking a new flight for tonight, adding in the extra cash I needed to make it happen with the private agency. Within five minutes I secured all my items safely and I left my hotel room. After informing the receptionist at the front desk about my sudden departure, I slide into the cab I called that took me to the airport.

I don't see Zayn for any of it. In the back of my mind, I had the little idea that maybe he'd chase after me but he didn't.

He's never been well at fighting for what he wants, whether it goes against his original plans. I always thought that was just him, a bad habit of his but now I realised that it was me. I wasn't worth the fighting.

Sitting in my window seat comfortably, overthinking about everything possible, I decided that I'm okay with that. Zayn wasn't worth it either because he made me feel so disposable and I won't let myself fall for someone like that.

This was everything and more than I needed- because breaking my heart wasn't enough to finally let go of the piece of Zayn Malik my heart was holding onto.

When the plane lands, it takes thirty minutes for me to finally be free to leave the airport and it's nearing evening time. Strolling outside with sunglasses over my eyes, the man standing with his eyes already on me takes me by complete surprise.

Julius Knox stands at the side of a black Range Rover, his hair blowing in the evening wind. I can tell he's cold, he's wearing a thick coat and his hands are stuffed in his pockets. Zayn did this, no doubt.

"Let me take you home, Esrin," he says- no surprise there. "Zayn told you," I stated and I didn't need him to confirm but he does by nodding his head. "If I'd known somehow, I would be here with or without him asking," he says, trying to assure me that this wasn't some chore for him.

"He said he's sorry, wouldn't have said it if he thought you'd actually leave," he continues, looking at me with regretful eyes. Is Zayn capable of feeling regret? "He let me leave," is all I say and I damn hope he regrets it.

I didn't walk out and suddenly was on a plane back home. He could've knocked on my hotel door, met me at the lobby or even at the airport but he didn't.

"I know. He's an asshole, Esrin," Julius sighs. " He doesn't deserve you. I may sound like a prick but I'm happy you two didn't work out," he reveals. I inhale through my nose, looking off into the busy airport.

So why not right?

"Me too, me too," I say and then I'm walking across the front of the vehicle to let myself into the passenger side. Julius with a happy smile puts my suitcase in the back and enters the driver's side.

"Would you like me to take you home or maybe we can go get ice cream?" He offers after the guards permit us to leave the airport grounds. Ice cream doesn't make me excited as it once did during a blazing hot day or basically every day while being a child.

What makes me excited is not going home just yet.

"I'd love that," I say and Julius is pleased with my answer, showing with his smile and jittery mood. He takes us on an hour drive, somehow knowing that I needed one.

Filled with a light conversation, soft music, wind flowing through my hair and sunlight hitting us just right. He drives so far that I started seeing glimpses of the sparkling sea between the trees and bushes.

The ice cream shop sits outside of a little neighbourhood that's mostly surrounded by nature. It's small and cute, only serves homemade ice cream which is the best kind in my opinion.

Julius and I are back in the Rover after buying and two minutes later, he stops at a perfect spot for an open beach view. A wooden bench sits near the sand and we sit there, watching the sunset while eating our ice cream.

Both of us are in comfortable silence in front of the breathtaking view wearing suits that made us sweat but the ice cream cools us down. Nothing matters right now.

I like it when nothing matters.

Sorry, my 3 am brain writes weird chapters.

If you're not excited for the next chapter, I'm definitely sure that you should be.