When I arrived home after the last Monday of high school, Mom handed me a pile of thick letters, each with a different college on the return address label. 

My heart thudded against my ribs. It was time to make a choice.

"Are those--?" I asked, speechless.

"I think so," Mom said, her eyes twinkling.

Mom and Grandad watched as I snatched and ripped open the thick envelope from Holy Cross. Scanning the document, my eyes landed on the word I wanted to see. My heart raced with excitement along with tingles in my fingertips. 

"Oh, Gosh! They accepted me!" I squealed. "I don't have to pay a penny to go! Ahhhhhh!"

"Wonderful, congratulations, kid!" Grandad exclaimed.

"I knew you'd make it, dear!"

I scanned the document until I came to the important part. My shoulders sank. "Oh, no!"

"What is it?" Mom asked, her brow furrowed.

"Only three-quarters grants and scholarships," I said, pursing my lips. "Shit!" 

I slammed the acceptance letter on the desk in frustration. Mom gave me a look of concern and pursed her lips. She didn't even bother to correct my language.

Hell, she was probably thinking the same thing.

"What does that mean?" Mom gave me a confused look. "I thought you didn't have to pay a penny?"

"I have to fund the rest of it with loans."

Even with an aid package that generous, I'd acquire well over ten thousand dollars of debt per year. Though I wouldn't have to pay it until after graduation, the monthly rate would turn ridiculous in no time at all. And those loans never went away. Not with bankruptcy. Nothing. 

I'd graduate with a fifty grand tether before my life even started.

Could I accept a burden like that? Sure, graduating from Holy Cross meant access to a wide range of graduate scholarships to Europe, but was it worth it? 

"What about ROTC?" Grandad asked me. "Can't you go for free if you join that program?"

"My granddaughter is not going to join the navy," Mom said.

It was so rare to hear her raise her voice that we both balked at her.

"If Jess studies languages and graduates in good standing, she would serve as a lieutenant," Grandad argued. "She'd be a non-combatant. Anyway, we've lived in relative peace for decades."

"She is NOT going to join Navy ROTC! And that's final," Mom shouted. "I won't see my baby carted off to war."

"This is 1999 not 1940, Carm."

"Think of Iraq," she insisted. "What if that blows up?"

"That region has been a disaster for a decade," Grandad said with a sigh. "We won the Gulf War. It's over. She wouldn't have to fight."

"Jess would have to serve for four years after graduation. Until 2007!"

"You're missing the point," I said. "First, Navy ROTC involves studying things I hate. Second, it only covers tuition, books, and fees. Not room and board."

"You could stay here, kid."

"With all due respect, I'm not going to put myself through hell if I can't enjoy the whole college experience," I said in a firm tone. "But thank you for your offer, Grandad. It's very generous."

"One of those other colleges must have accepted her with a good aid package," he muttered. "You have a three-point-eight GPA, for crying out loud."

Damn you, Math. If it weren't for you, I'd have a perfect four-point-oh.

"Three-point-eight-seven-eight," I insisted as I grabbed another envelope. "Let's see if it's enough."

Assumption College. Come on, baby. Don't let me down.

"Accepted!" I said with a sigh of relief. Now for the tricky part. "Okay, okay, this is better. Lots of scholarships. Merit-based and aid-based. Okay... Oh, GOD!"

"What? What is it?" Mom asked as she looked over my shoulder.

"Five thousand," I said, slamming the letter on the table. "Five thousand a year I'd have to find, not even covered by loans. Where do they expect me to get this? Out of my backside?"

"Jess!"

"I'm sorry, Mom, but really."

"If only you could have filed the paperwork as an independent student," Grandad said with a frustrated growl. "It's my extra income and our assets that are throwing it."

"But that's your retirement money," I said. "You need that to live. We can't dip into that."

Mom gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "We're your guardians, dear."

"No way, I'm an adult now. I need to stand on my own."

"But you're our family."

"Surely they understand I just turned eighteen with no cash, no assets, and no parents." Mom cringed at my words. "No offense, but it isn't your responsibility anymore. It's not fair."

"It'll be easier next year when you're independent," Grandad said. "Go on, there's still one more letter."

Fitchburg State College. My safe school in case the others had rejected me, which they had, for all intents and purposes. Never had I expected to end up here after all my hard work.

In what lifetime should a straight-A student be forced to attend a state school? If I wanted to go there, that's one thing. But this?

This is bullshit.

Then the truth hit me with full force. If Fitchburg didn't give me the money I needed, I'd be stuck at a community college. All of my dreams--gone. Because of fucking money.

"Accepted," I said with a heavy sigh that turned into a groan. "No aid package...? Nothing?!" The tears formed in my eyes. "How is that even possible? Even Assumption gave me--"

"That can't be right," Mom breathed. "Check again."

On what planet did I not receive any aid from a state--?

"Wait a minute!" I said, afraid to get my hopes up as I turned to the second and third pages. I leaped from my chair, and it fell behind me with a crash. "I got a merit-based scholarship! That's why...!"

"Oh, thank the Lord!" Mom said, holding her hands in prayer. "What did you get?"

"I'm reading--I'm reading..." I said, my hands trembling and my eyes watering with gratitude until I could hardly see the words. "Holy shit!"

"Language!"

"What does it say?" Grandad demanded, his tone impatient.

"It's a full ride. Room and board. Even a stipend for books. Oh, my God!"

"Oh, thank you, Lord!" Mom said with a heavy exhale. "You did it, Jess. A full scholarship."

I nodded. "Pending my final transcript and final GPA. Well, that's no problem. I have straight As this year."

"Well done, kid! You've always worked hard," Grandad said, giving me one of his gruff bear hugs. 

"Which is why I said she shouldn't work until after she finishes college." Mom tapped the acceptance letter. "We already know she'll be set now. But if her grades went down--"

"Guys, there's such a thing as internships and summer jobs," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'll do that, and during the year, I'll focus on my studies. No job. Okay?"

Yeah, okay. I was being passive-aggressive. Not one of my finest moments.

But I wanted Mom just to let me celebrate this one achievement before honing in on the next would-be problem.

"Sounds good to me," Grandad said with a grin.

Mom nodded. "Yes, that sounds sensible, dear."

"Well, alrighty then. Let's just be grateful Fitchburg State College thinks I'm a good fit." I rubbed a sore bit on my shoulders, which had tensed up like mad. "This is good news."

"It certainly is," said Grandad. "I'm proud of you, kid."

Mom gave me a big hug. "I always knew you'd go places, Jess dear. Congratulations!"

Briiiiiiing!

"Oh, really?" I said with a frustrated sigh. "For the love of--"

Briiiiiing!

"I'll get it," Mom said.

I held up my hand. "Nah, I'm right here." I picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Hello, my muse."

"Eric!" I said, my voice tense realizing the news I'd have to tell him. "Oh...how are you?"

"Better than you, from the sound of things." He paused. "Is something wrong?"

"Nah, it's just my acceptance letters." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm afraid I won't be able to go to Holy Cross next year."

"Are you serious?" he asked, slightly agitated. "Did Holy Cross reject you?"

"They accepted me," I said with a heavy sigh. 

"Well that's amazing news, Jess!" he said with enthusiasm. "Congratulations!" He paused. "I must admit I'm a bit confused. Why can't you go? Did your grandparents say no?"

"No way! My grandparents would love it," I replied. "No, that's not the problem."

"So, what happened?"

"I'd have to take on hefty debt to make it work."

"Well, that's normal. How much?"

"Fifty thousand."

"A year?" he asked, incredulous. "No, that's not possible. I know of--"

"No, a little over ten thousand a year."

"And how much do you have to pay?"

"Nothing."

He scoffed. "Jess, that is an amazing aid package! Jesus, they must really want you to attend with an offer so generous."

"Really?" I balked. "But all that money..."

"Jess, listen," he said in a firm tone. "I know that seems like a stupidly high sum right now, but you are one of the lucky ones. Trust me, an education here for fifty grand? That's...stellar!"

"I have to pay that back, Eric. I'm poor and on my own now." 

He sighed. "It's your choice, of course. But if you're worried about the business side of things, this is an investment that's worth the risk."

"It is?"

"Yes, absolutely." He cleared his throat. "My father hires from Jesuit colleges and Ivy Leagues. Nothing less. Because the applicant pool is so large. And he's not the only one."

"What if I transfer to Holy Cross?" I asked. "And save the cost of one or two years?"

He considered my words. "That's possible, I suppose."

"I could take my core requirements at Fitchburg State," I reasoned, "and then transfer for the important stuff."

"Yes, that sounds reasonable."

His voice had fallen flat, though. My decision had troubled him or something because he seemed distant and almost unfocused on our call, distracted by something else. 

"Are you all right?" I asked. "You sound a bit...I don't know...? Disappointed?"

He didn't answer me right away.

"Eric?"

"Don't mind me," he said, "I'm figuring something out."

Well, gee. Go ahead. I rolled my eyes. Not like this is important for me--or us. 

"Uh-huh? Should I call you later?"

"Jess, this is important. Focus!" He cleared his throat. "No matter whether you go to Holy Cross for two or four years, you don't have to pay off student debt until after your student status ends."

Wow, he was researching this for me?

Yes, so stop being an ass-hat and give him the benefit of the doubt, retorted my conscience.

"That includes both grad school and studying abroad," he continued. "I remember you were keen on something like Rhodes or Fulbright, right? So that you could go to Europe?"

Shit, he remembered that?

"The debt won't prevent you from doing that," he said. "It will accrue interest, but that's okay. You'll find a job afterwards and pay it off."

"Would you mind if I studied for a year or two at Fitchburg?" I asked. "I could probably finish my core requirements in one year."

"I respect whatever decision you make," he replied. "But it says on the Holy Cross website that aid is limited for transfer students, usually only loans and work study."

"Oh, crap!"

"Which means if loans are the problem, you need to either decide for Fitchburg State or Holy Cross full stop."

My shoulders slumped. Shit! 

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I think it's your decision," he replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

"What would you do if you were me?" I asked. "What if you didn't have a scholarship or money in your family?"

He didn't hesitate. "Holy Cross, hands down. Even if we never met. Especially if I wanted a graduate fellowship. Both would look wonderful on my resume for years to come."

I sighed. "Let me think about it."

Perhaps I was the biggest dumb-ass in the world for taking on such an insane level of debt, but by the end of the week, I'd informed St. Stephen's that I'd be attending Holy Cross.

To this day, I didn't regret it.

***

Clouds of black covered St. Stephen's athletic field on Graduation Day. We huddled on the open grounds like little lambs waiting for our diplomas before the heavens opened with an almighty crash of thunder and lightning. We rushed towards whatever meager cover we could find until the worst had passed over us. 

The unexpected storm may have delayed the ceremony, but it created something no one could have expected. Toward the end of Mayor Whitney's speech, long after the torrential downpour had trickled to a slow drizzle, the sun shone to reveal a stunning rainbow. 

I'd almost forgotten about it until I found a newspaper clipping in my senior yearbook two decades later. It contained the mayor's powerful words, which I read with the twang of middle-aged nostalgia. 

"Your future depends on your being able to cope with change," she said. "Plan for the future, but remember that life is a surprise."

 Words of wisdom that I'd lived by without even realizing.

In that same yellowed newspaper article, I found the brilliant words of Dennis, our valedictorian, about our high school careers. "Laugh about it. Cry about it. Just don't forget it."

Surrounded by amazing family and loving friends who would accompany me my whole life--Care, Jack, and of course Eric--I did a bit of both. As I triumphantly held the piece of paper that guaranteed my right to attend Holy Cross, I threw my cap up in the air.

And I didn't care where it landed.

In the memorable words of our valedictorian, I would never forget that poignant experience. For in those precious few years I'd learned more about myself than I'd ever dreamed possible. 

THE END

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