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The Celibate Life

@CelibateForLife

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Sunday, March 14, 1999

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I'm going to ask you a tricky question.

Don't say the first answer that comes into your head. Really think about it. If you do, I guarantee it'll be a mind trip. Right, so here goes:

What is sexual attraction?

Most common answers

-When someone looks hot...

Nope, that's aesthetic attraction.

-When someone arouses you...

Nope, that's an autonomic physiological response (i.e. you have only some control over arousal).

-When you want to bang someone...

This is closer to the truth, but still vague and unhelpful.

So what is it?

It's important to ask this question because people define asexuality as the lack of sexual attraction. My research has led me to believe that the term sexual attraction has different meanings for each person, though. It also manifests in unique ways. How can anyone have a scientific, objective discussion about that concept-or asexuality for that matter-without any consensus on what it actually entails?

If my orientation is defined as the absence of a (desired) quality, how will I ever come to understand it?

It's hard as hell!

If the scientific literature can't give me a satisfying answer, the bro-science articles are even worse. They're filled with blatant platitudes such as, "You'll know it when you feel it."

I swear if I read those words one more time, I'm gonna barf.

Those sound like pure cop-outs to people like me who don't feel it and will never feel it. It's akin to explaining the color red to a blind person by saying they'll know it when they see it.

*rolls eyes*

So, I decided to puzzle it out for myself. I haven't even come close to a eureka moment, I'm afraid. But after pondering the issue for days, I've developed a rough definition of sexual attraction that I hope to refine over time.

Sexual attraction

(All conditions must be met for the phenomenon to count as sexual attraction.)

- an innate, biologically pre-programmed response to a stimulus

- the stimulus can be physical, mental, or emotional

- the response must include a desire for some kind of sexual activity

- that desire must focus on a real person

- the goal is to catalyze a potential relationship or deepen a pre-existing one

Please note: In this case, the word relationship is defined as any connection between two people, no matter how trivial or meaningful. It includes anything from a one-night stand with a stranger to a lifelong marriage and everything in between.

It's important to set the definition because it excludes a lot of activity that might be construed as sexual attraction, but is actually sexual desire or arousal.

None of these indicate sexual attraction:

- engaging in sexual activity to appease a partner or to conform to societal conventions

- autonomic responses that have no stimulus (morning wood, arousal without cause)

- mental, emotional, or physical intimacy that does not involve the genitals

- partaking in or creating sexual fantasies (erotic films/books/art, imaginary characters, unlikely partners such as celebrities, particularly if there is no desire, intention, or probability to act on the fantasy)

- participating in sexual activity for reasons other than to form a relationship (academic or personal curiosity, boredom, procreation, self-love, etc.)

Asexuals can and often do engage in those activities. Even though they involve intimacy and arousal, they do not indicate sexual attraction. You don't lose your Ace of Hearts card just because you play DJ or have a fantasy about Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake.

Of course, it's up to each individual how far they are comfortable with taking a romantic relationship. But there are so many intimate displays of affection apart from sex that asexual people can experience without that weird dissociated, uninterested feeling. There are so many ways to bond in a meaningful way apart from sex.

That is hugely reassuring.

What's love got to do with sexual attraction? Answer: Absolutely nothing in itself. Which means asexual people can love, bond, and form healthy long-term relationships.

No matter how entangled sexual attraction and romantic attraction may seem, they are two different entities. They often coexist in sexual people to differing degrees, but they are not interchangeable.

In order to visualize the possible interactions between someone's sexual and romantic orientation, let's draw a square with one extreme on each corner.

Very few people relate to extreme points. Instead, they'll fit somewhere inside the square with varying preferences for both romance and sexuality. That's because neither concept has a binary yes-no switch.

The purple square represents demisexuality and demiromantics, which means that sexual or romantic attraction comes only when you form a close bond with someone.

Take a moment to ponder where you may fit on the spectrum.

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60 comments

@Girl4Girlz21 Cool graphic. makes your shit clearer. Im in the top right square. Sex and romance all the way baby!!!!

➡️ @CelibateForLife Glad you liked it. :)

@curiouscritter dude where are u on this spectrum?

➡️ @CelibateForLife I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure myself out.

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter not even a guess?

➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife Well, if I had to guess: X: 10, Y: 70

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter so high romance, low sex?

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife I think so...not sure?

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs if so, you're an ace of hearts.

@curiouscritter what's a ace of hearts? @AceofClubs

➡️ @AceofClubs Ace of hearts stands for romantic attraction with little to no sexual attraction.

➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife That might be me. Not entirely sure! I know Ace of Spades means no sexual or romantic attraction, but what does Ace of Clubs mean? @AceofClubs

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs it means I appear at around X: 30, Y: 30. So the dark gray zone, second square probably. It's called gray-romantic and gray-asexual. For me, that means I feel romantic attraction without the need to act on it. On rare occasions, I feel fleeting sexual attraction.

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife how does that manifest?

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs Even if I like a girl, I'm happy to keep things platonic.

➡️➡️➡️➡️ ➡️➡️@CelibateForLife oh...

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ ➡️@curiouscritter ace, dude, you killed the mood. cel wants ur love.

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife I do not! What a preposterous thing to say!!!

@curiouscritter someone's hot for @AceofClubs

➡️ @CelibateForLife no, I'm not! I don't think of him like that.

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter oh plz, u prob go to bed every night and cuddle ur pillow thinking its ace

➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs leave her alone, curious! >:(

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter Ace and Cel sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I!

@Little_Linguist Hi, Cel! I'm in the purple square. Or maybe the dark or light gray squares around the purple one. Depends. Anyway, I'm only sexually attracted to a guy when we have a close connection. Like, I wouldn't mind some romance until then, but some things suck.

➡️ @curiouscritter That's what she said...

➡️➡️ @Little_Linguist dude...fr?

➡️ @AceofClubs Ah, we have almost four of a kind. Cel is our Ace of Hearts. LL is our Ace of Diamonds. Now we just need an Ace of Spades. ;)

➡️ @CelibateForLife Littleeeee! Thanks for reading! <3 Yeah, that's a perfect fit for you. Ace of Diamonds. <333333

➡️➡️ @Little_Linguist I know, right?! *happy dance* Love your chart. <3 Love your blog!!! Yayyyy, Ace of Diamonds for life!!! <3333

➡️ ➡️ ➡️ @CelibateForLife <33333 tyyyyyy

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter careful, cel or u make ace jelly 4 ur bellyyyyy

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @Little_Linguist wtf?! lolololol

@StacieLouise Can you change? Like depending on your mood?

➡️ @CelibateForLife This square illustrates your sexual and romantic orientation, not how you feel on a given day. I'm not sure if that can shift over time? Maybe?

➡️➡️ @StacieLouise So if I dont wanna have sex, but I like quite a bit of romance, I'd be one of the top two black squares?

➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife Yep, that's right.

@AceSquared cool graphic! easy to get.

➡️ @CelibateForLife Thanks, Squared.

➡️➡️ @AceSquared I'm the bottom left square. You?

➡️➡️➡️ @CelibateForLife Not sure yet. :) Black or dark gray zone, second or third square up? Maybe?

@PrideYourPride What about adding a gender or sexual orientation spectrum? I think that would make a cool 3D graphic.

➡️ @CelibateForLife That's a good idea, Pride. Hadn't thought of that. I might give that a try.

➡️➡️ @PrideYourPride cool beans.

@AceofClubs Love this blog post, and I really think you're onto a winner there with the graphic and the definition. Some tweaking would make it perfect. Perhaps we can discuss it a bit over AIM?

➡️ @curiouscritter Keep it in ur pants bro. She doesn't want the D.

➡️➡️ @AceofClubs Ha! :D You realize I'm in the dark gray zone, right?

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter ya ya ya that what they all say. I dont wanna have sex then bam hot chick and alla sudden there all up in that

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs What is happening right now? :'D

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter if ur in that square ur not 100% against sex right?

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @AceofClubs If I developed a very strong connection to her, I might try sex or dating if we both wanted. But I don't feel strong attraction either way. To anyone. Also happy to stay close platonic friends. No pressure at all. :)

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter ur talkin bout cel, right?

@BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse im a pervert. bottom right, dood. all sex, no romance. get ur own flowers.

➡️ @CarlyRocks23 OMG, me 2. a/s/l?

➡️➡️ @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse 25/m/CA

➡️➡️➡️ @CarlyRocks23 23/f/TX

➡️➡️➡️➡️ @BackstreetBoyzRockinDaHouse sent u a pm babe ;)

➡️➡️➡️➡️➡️ @CarlyRocks23 answered u babe ;*)

@Little_Linguist Cel, I sent you an IM. ;) Check your screen.

➡️ @curiouscritter whoa thay LL has the hots for you, cel. wear a chastitty belt. i told ya! hes coming for ur bits!

➡️➡️ @Little_Linguist Critter, what the hell, man? :'D I'm a girl.

➡️➡️➡️ @curiouscritter oh gud. just lookin out for my gurl. lotsa weirdos here. :D :D :D

@AceofClubs By the way, @CelibateForLife, you might want to re-label your axes. Remember, you can have lots of romance and sex in your life while not feeling either attraction.

➡️ @CelibateForLife Oh, right! Thanks, Ace.

➡️➡️ @AceofClubs We can chat about it tomorrow if you like. ;)

Half the time I had to stifle laughter so much that tears ran down my cheeks. Couldn't have Mom thinking I was cracking up over cancer articles for Biology II.

Kississippi? Chastitty belt? What the hell?

So, Eric didn't date anyone in college. Or not often. Well, that didn't surprise me because he didn't in high school either. But what did he mean by I might try sex or dating if we both wanted?

Was Curious right? Did Eric mean me?

Possibly.

But I couldn't get ahead of myself, or I could tumble into a whole world of hurt. Eric went to college now, where he met hundreds of girls every single day.

He could have meant one of them too.

Confused, I realized one thing above all else: Humans were officially bonkers.

A ping alerted me to Care's incoming instant message. Her enthusiasm almost punched me through the screen as I minimized the window with my blog.

Little_Linguist: did you seeeeeeeeeeee his reaction?

Little_Linguist: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Little_Linguist: he admitted he likes you!

Little_Linguist: I'm gonna dieeeeeee!

Little_Linguist: No, I'm already dead. I'm deader than dead.

Little_Linguist: I'm completely deadified.

CelibateForLife: lololol Care what the heck? You're making up words.

Little_Linguist: deadify (v) to cause a temporary catatonic state as a result of a shocking revelation

CelibateForLife: you sure do talk a lot for someone in a catatonic state

Little_Linguist: yeah, well, I'm talented like that. :-P

Little_Linguist: back at the ranch...

Little_Linguist: Eric likessssss youuuuuuuuuu!

Little_Linguist: You know that, right?

CelibateForLife: dude, we don't know for sure that he meant me.

Little_Linguist: oh gimme a break, kid!

CelibateForLife: you sound like my Grandad

Little_Linguist: well GOOD someone has to knock some sense into your stubborn little brain

CelibateForLife: HEY! >:(

Little_Linguist: dude, even Curious could see it!

Little_Linguist: you know? the dude with 40 IQ points.

CelibateForLife: Eric didn't react.

Little_Linguist: because he didn't want to admit his feelings ONLINE before he even talked to you first!

CelibateForLife: And he said he liked girls platonically.

Little_Linguist: After you said you didn't like him romantically!

Little_Linguist: come on! don't be so stubborn, girl!

Little_Linguist: also don't go saying you don't feel like that about him

Little_Linguist: when you clearly DO feel like that about him.

Little_Linguist: Christ on a mini bike, what am I gonna do with you?!

CelibateForLife: I don't think he's HOT in the way Curious means.

CelibateForLife: I don't want to jump his bones and have sex.

Little_Linguist: yeah, did it ever occur to you

Little_Linguist: that Eric is sitting there right now in confusion

Little_Linguist: because he thinks you don't like him as a potential bf???

Little_Linguist: girl, you need to watch your words!!!!

CelibateForLife: I didn't mean it like THAT!

Little_Linguist: *sigh* yeah I know.

CelibateForLife: did he say something???

CelibateForLife: to you???

Little_Linguist: I feel bound by a code of friendship not to gossip.

Little_Linguist: let's just say I put out a fire while it was small

Little_Linguist: by revealing a bit more than I should have done

Little_Linguist: about our conversation

CelibateForLife: CAROLYN! JEEZ! WHAT DID I SAY BEFORE?

CelibateForLife: about revealing information!!!

Little_Linguist: dude, next time don't go crapping your words

Little_Linguist: and I won't need to use extreme measures

Little_Linguist: to clear out your mudslides!!!

Little_Linguist: anyway, all I said was

Little_Linguist: "She thinks and talks about you all the time, Eric. Trust me."

Little_Linguist: he was still skeptical, but at least I saved your ass.

Little_Linguist: you're welcome. *harrumphs*

CelibateForLife: who uses that word?

Little_Linguist: says the chick who thinks and talks like a 70-something!!!

My shoulders slumped. Oh, no! I didn't mean it like that at all. It hadn't even occurred to me that he could interpret it that way or give up on me so fast. Maybe Care did save our friendship.

CelibateForLife: *sigh* I'm sorry.

CelibateForLife: you're right.

CelibateForLife: it was easy to misinterpret my words.

Little_Linguist: s'okay sis. that's what friends are for. ;)

CelibateForLife: do I really sound like an old lady?

Little_Linguist: well...nah. more like a 40-year-old.

CelibateForLife: greeeeeat

Little_Linguist: occupational hazard of growing up with grandparents

Little_Linguist: I sound like that too *hand squeeze* s'okay ;)

Little_Linguist: between us, I think Eric sounds like that too

Little_Linguist: though in his case might just be because he reads more than he talks ;)

CelibateForLife: so do I

Little_Linguist: well, there ya go then! ;) compatible

Little_Linguist: now go talk to his crazy ass

Little_Linguist: byeeeee sis

[Little_Linguist has signed off.]

Oh, my God! My friends were gonna be the end of me.