Arnav left after our breakfast date as he had some work to get done with, I'm left all alone in the apartment as I clean up the kitchen. My mind wanders around, I don't know what it is that I'm exactly thinking of, but whatever it is, it doesn't make me feel good. My mind is blank, yet there's this pain I feel in my heart that doesn't make me understand what's going on in my life. I just want to sit somewhere silently and cry my heart out. I jump on the counter and sit there, everything looks blurry, I don't know what it is, but I feel so uncomfortable, as if something wrong is happening, and I want to scream, I want to cry it out but I can't, my tears are like stuck up. I walk to my room and lie on the bed, I just want to be alone, I want to figure out what's happening, why I'm feeling this way, why I'm scared that things may go wrong when everything is right. I sit and stare at the ceiling, I don't know what it's about the ceiling that makes me sad too, it makes me feel as if my life is incomplete, it's difficult to explain what exactly, there's just this certain kind of numbness in me. The phone rings bringing me out of the world I am lost it, I stare at it for a while wondering if I should receive it or not, I take a deep breath and try to make my voice sound normal as I receive the call."Hello" "Cookie, we have a plan, I'm sure you're going to love it... Rehan and I were thinking we should go to Goa, you know summer days, to the beach, laying on the hot sand and relaxing, it's going to be fun, I've also talked to Lavanya and Arnav and they loved it, what do you say?" Ishaana asks "I don't think I'll be able to, I have lots of work" "What's with the excuses, I know you've got holidays so what work?" "Ishaana I don't want to come that's it, is it something hard to understand? You guys can go, have fun... it's not that you'd not enjoy without me" "Fine" Ishaana says as she disconnects the call. I throw the phone in the bed as I jump on it and hug my pillow... everything is so damn irritating.
I wake up around noon not realizing when I actually fell asleep, as I open my eyes I'm surprised to see Arnav sited next to me. "What the hell, how did you get in?" I ask in surprise "Because you left the door open and I got tired ringing the door bell, what's up with you and sleep cookie?" "Nothing" I say as I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen. I pour myself some juice but I don't feel like drinking it, so instead I offer it to Arnav. "What's wrong, don't you like going out with us? Ishaana told me how you reacted to the idea of us going to Goa" "I explained it to her and if you want I'll explain it to you, I don't feel like going that's it, I just want to be here and have some time with myself... You guys should go, don't miss out on the fun because of me, I just need to be alone, please Arnav" "Fine if you aren't coming, we aren't going either, I'll tell Ishaana to cancel the plan" "What's wrong with you guys? Is it that your lives revolve around me or you want my life to revolve around yours? Why can't such a simple thing be understood?" I say as I walk away from him angrily. "You know what Khushi, when you're done with your moods swings, relax and think calmly, you'll realize how much you've changed, you aren't the normal Khushi who used to force us to go out, you aren't the same and I'm getting scared, if I'll ever be able to love this Khushi as much as I loved that Khushi. I know there's something wrong and I don't understand why you aren't telling me about it but just know that I've noticed, I've noticed you being lost when you're with us, I've noticed you not eating well, and today I've also noticed you losing interest in something you loved to do. Khushi you know you can always talk to me, so if you feel like, I'm just a phone call away" Arnav says as he walks out slamming the door behind. I get hold of the vase and throw it right towards the door as it falls down and breaks into pieces, I also fall down on my knees and break down. No one would understand, even if I tried to explain, no one would understand why things aren't the way they used to be because I myself don't. I wipe my tears away as I walk to the kitchen, I don't know what I want to do or maybe I do know, I open up the drawer and get the knife. It's scary, but not more than the pain I feel, or maybe the numbness that wants to make me feel something and I'd do anything to feel it. I hold it close to my wrist, I'm nervous, I'm scared but I'm not at the same time, I press it into the skin as I pull it slowly cutting down the flesh. A few blood drops come out followed by a lot of blood, maybe now I can feel something. I hear the door open and quickly throw the knife in the sink, I hide my arm behind and turn to look at the entrance. "I forgot my phone, just came back to get it" Arnav says as he walks in. I nod as he looks around for his phone and finds in on the sofa, he picks it up and heads towards the door to walk away when I feel some sort of dizziness, and like that the rest I can't remember.
I wake up in the hospital bed with bandages on my wrist and my forehead, as far as I remember I had cut my wrist, but what happened to my forehead. I look at the door and it opens up suddenly, Arnav walks in and his expressions show clearly that he's angry, he stops in front of me and slaps me hard I feel like punching him back in his face right away only if my wrist dint feel weak. "What the hell were you thinking Khushi? Do you know what could have happened if I dint return to take my phone? You could have lost your life damn it!" He shouts angrily I look at him and feel sad for him, he doesn't deserve a girl like me, I'm not good at all for him, it's just been two days of our relationship and I'm already stressing him up? I'm not a good person, I don't deserve to be with him. I can see the worry on his face and the pain in his eyes. "I think we should break up Arnav" I say as tears rolls down my eyes "What? Wait, is this why you did this to yourself? Khushi if you dint feel anything for me you dint have to accept my proposal" "No it's not that, I love you Arnav, I love you so much but I also know I am not good enough for you, I'll never be good enough for anyone... You deserve someone better, someone who wouldn't give you so much of stress on the second day of your relationship... someone who would..." I don't remember If I even completed my sentence, but all I remember is the pain I saw, and how it hurt me seeing him like that. Honestly, I'd have never hated myself as much as I hated myself right now. I was doing everything wrong, I was hurting my friends, hell I was even hurting the man I loved for no real reason. They dint deserve to be treated like this, I was just becoming a horrible person.