Twenty

"And what course are you planning to take?" Dr. Siang asked, a friendly smile forming on his face as he sat behind his desk.

"It's a creative writing program," I replied, grinning widely. "My parents are so happy about my decision."

"I see," tumango-tango siya. "Harry must've been a really great influence to you, then?"

"Of course," I rested my hands on my lap and my gaze traveled to the large fish tank inside the room. My mother is the one taking care of the fishes in our house kapag may lakad ako. "I'm going to graduate, find a real job, and go back to Parola. Bibilhin ko ang white mansion and we could live there together,"

"Sounds like a neat plan to me," He pulled himself up from his chair and motioned me to do the same. Nagtataka akong tumayo. "I have to show you something."

Nagtungo siya sa maliit na pintuan na nasa likod ng kanyang desk. Tahimik akong sumunod nang buksan niya ito. Pumasok kaagad sa kwarto ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. Nang igala ko ang paningin, I realized there is a botanical garden behind the building. The bonsai trees lined in the perfectly-manicured lawn. The flower beds consisted of sunflowers and daisies, creating an explosion of colors before my eyes.

In the center of the garden is a pond with flowering lily pads. Naglakad si Dr. Siang patungo doon. Isinarado ko muna ang pintuan bago ko siya sinundan. I saw the back door of the secondhand bookshop located next to this building.

"What are we doing here?" I wondered out loud.

"Take a sit," he pulled himself down on the soft bermuda grass.

Ginaya ko siya.

He crossed his legs and closed his eyes. "Mary Grace, you are very broken. Despite your improving condition, I still wanted you to grow and become a successful woman that you are,"

Naguluhan ako sa sinabi niya but I kept my mouth shut.

"Please close your eyes."

I did the same.

Tanging ang huni ng ibon ang naririnig ko at ang malamig na hangin na maya't-maya'y humahaplos sa balat ko.

"Now, make no effort to control your breathing." He instructed.

I took a deep breath and followed him.

"Funny thing is that, I just learned the importance of meditation when I saw my son watching Avatar: The Last Airbender," kuwento niya.

Binukas ko ang mga mata ko. "Oh, I loved Avatar!"

"Close your eyes." he instructed again.

Ngumuso ako at sinunod siya.

"Focus your attention to your breathing and how your body moves with each inhalation and exhalation. I want you to pay attention to the movement of your body as you breathe. Observe your chest, shoulders, rib cage, and belly. Just focus on your breathing and nothing more."

I furrowed my brows in concentration. I focused on my breathing.

"Let your thoughts drift through your mind, Mary Grace." I heard his voice again.

"Your intention here is to involve your thoughts without judging them. You just need to be aware of each mental note every time it appears inside of your mind."

Images of Jeremy appeared inside of my mind again. I tried not to judge him. Don't judge him... don't judge him...

"Your thoughts and your feelings are moving in a particular pattern. It is a human tendency to quickly judge an experience as good or bad."

I remembered the time when I was still a helpless little girl under Uncle Thomas, writhing in both pain and fear. Biglang sumikip ang puso ko sa kaba. Nasaan na kaya siya ngayon? Nasa kulungan? Paano kung balikan niya ako? Paano kung may masama siyang gawin sa pamilya ko?

"You need to develop your inner balance. Mary Grace, please listen carefully..."

I could hear Uncle Thomas' voice inside of my head, saying I'm still the little red riding hood. I could feel the weight of his gun in my little hands when he once showed it to me.

"Mary Grace, you are loved. You are worthy. You have a purpose in this world. You will leave a remarkable footprint before you die. You are going to live your life. You are going to live your life."

Bad memories started playing inside of my head. I let them drift through my mind. I let them go without judging them.

"You have been betrayed. You are hurt. You are afraid to take the leap again. You are still afraid."

My mind played a scene when Uncle Thomas handed me the music box on my birthday. Tumindig lahat ng balahibo ko sa katawan. I never saw the music box again. Marahil ay itinapon na nila mommy.

"You need to let go of that fear, Mary Grace."

I saw myself running away from everything. I saw myself dying my hair and inking tattoos on my arms.

"Mary Grace, you are loved..."

Then I saw Harry.

Hindi ko namalayan na isa-isa na palang tumutulo ang mga luha galing sa mata ko. Nang buksan ko ang mga mata ko ay nakangiti na si Dr. Siang na nakatingin sa akin.

"You are loved, Mary Grace." Ulit niya.

I burst into tears and hugged him tightly. Tumawa siya nang bahagya bago tinapik-tapik ang likod ko. Umiyak ako nang umiyak.

Mga ilang minuto pa bago ako nahimashimasan.

Nagkamot ng batok si Dr. Siang. "That is not how a meditation should go," tumawa siya habang pinupunasan ko ang mga luha sa pisngi ko. "But since you're still a beginner, that's fine. You'll get a grip of it."

Tumango-tango ako.

"Now, everytime you get depressed and the fish doesn't work, I want you to find a silent place and meditate."

"Thank you, Dr. Siang." Mahina kong wika.

"You're a strong strong girl, Mary Grace. You can do this."

---

Nang makauwi ako sa bahay ay saktong nakita ko na papalabas si Mrs. Nabrasco sa gate. She has a tight expression on her face. Ni hindi niya ako nginitian nang magkasalubong kami.

Kaagad akong pumasok sa bahay. Nadatnan ko sina mommy at daddy na nagkakape sa kusina. May pinag-uusapan silang dalawa. Seryoso ang mukha ni daddy. Si mommy naman ay naka-ayos. She's looking a lot better these past few days. Nakakatulog na siya nang maayos.

"Mommy?" I glanced at the door once again to see the vehicle of Mrs. Nabrasoc pulling over. "What happened?"

She just waved her hands dismissively at me. "Nothing, sweetie. I just decided not to sell the house anymore."

My heart exploded in joy inside of my chest. "Really?" isang malawak na ngiti ang sumilay sa labi ko.

Tumango-tango siya. "This is too important for me to let go."

"That's really great!" hindi ko mapigilan ang malawak na ngiti sa labi ko. Tinanguan ako ni Dad, nangingiti na rin.

Binalingan ko si Dad. "Kanina pa po kayo dito, Daddy?"

He took a sip from his coffee and nodded at me. "Actually, I'm here for good news."

Dali-dali kong hinubad ang sapatos ko. I dropped my bag on the floor and joined them in the kitchen.

"What is it?" hindi ko maitago ang excitement sa boses ko.

"You have passed the admission test. Pwede ka nang mag-aral sa Holy Angel University."

I threw my arms in the air and hugged my father happily.

"We're proud of you, Mary Grace." My mother beamed, smiling widely at the two of us.

We chatted happily at the kitchen. The meditation earlier with Dr. Siang lifted a weight from my chest. Ang gaan-gaan ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. I thought I have breathe properly before, when I was still in cape. Pero ibang sense of freedom ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I told them about the meditation technique he taught me. Nagustuhuan nila and ideya kahit na talking sessions lang talaga ang dapat na ginagawa namin ni Dr. Siang. My mother did a good job in choosing the psychologist to attend my needs.

And I noticed the sudden glow in my mother's face. Para bang nabunutan din siya ng tinik. Her relationship with my father is getting better as well. I just hope she finds it in her heart to fix their marriage again. Hanggang ngayon ay umaasa pa rin ako na magkabalikan sila ni Dad. Gusto ko sana silang kausapin tungkol dito kaso lang nahihiya at natatakot ako. Mukhang buo na kasi ang isipan nila. Baka isipin nila na hindi ko sila iniintindi.

Habang nagtitimpla ako ng kape ay nakarinig kami ng katok mula sa pintuan. My father stood up. Out of curiousity, I peered at the visitors. Kaagad na kumunot ang noo ko nang makakita ng tatlong police sa labas ng pintuan.

Iniwan ko ang mug sa sink at nilapitan din sila.

"Good afternoon, Sir." Magalang na bati ng police na nasa gitna ng tatlo. He held out a paper in front of us. "May warrant of arrest po kaming dala."

Nanlaki kaagad ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya.

"Warrant of arrest? For what?" my mother butted in. Hinablot niya ang papel mula sa police. Her eyes hungrily scanned the contents of the paper. Nagtitigan naman si Dad at ang police.

"For the murder of Thomas O'Connor."

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