ONE

JEREMY PINNED ME against the cold wall of the school's restroom, his hands snaking under my white cotton blouse until he found what he was looking for. Squeezing my breasts, I let out a small whimper. A satisfied look crossed his face. Before I could say something, his mouth covered mine hungrily, pressing his body against me. We were in the middle of a heated making out session when I heard talking voices from outside the door getting louder and louder.

"Hey—" I said between our kisses, gently pushing Jeremy away. "I think we should stop," I glanced nervously at the door. There is no one inside the rest room but the two of us.

"What?" he asked distractedly as he placed small wet kisses on my neck and started unbuttoning my blouse.

"We should stop, Jeremy. I think there's someone coming over here," I swat his hands away and quickly did my buttons. He pulled back, irritated.

"What's your problem?"

I frowned at him. "Someone might see us. Let's go," I said, tugging at his hand and dragging him out of the rest room. But before we could step outside, I saw a group of girls giggling towards each other. We immediately went back to the rest room, hoping they haven't seen us. Jeremy chuckled as I shoved him in one of the cubicles and pretended to busy myself in front of the mirror when the Grade 11 students enter the rest room.

I keep on glancing at the cubicle at the back as the girls busies themselves with their make ups. They have shorter skirts than the rest of the female students and their red lipsticks are too bright for my liking. None of them paid me any attention. Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm one year ahead of them and they don't want to mess up with upper class students.

"Have you seen Jeremy at the practice game earlier?" one of my eyebrows shot up when I heard Jeremy's name from the mouth of a petite girl with bob hair and full breasts. She's busy applying mascara as she glanced at her friends every now and then. A grin slowly spread on her lips. "He's damn hot!"

She received a chorus of flirty giggles from her colleagues. "

Once they were done, they all scurried out of the rest room and continued gossiping about my boyfriend. Nakataas lang ang kilay ko habang nakikinig sa kanila, pero hindi ako nagsalita. Nang makaalis na sila at nalunod ang kanilang mga boses sa maingay na hallway ay saka pa lumabas si Jeremy mula sa cubicle.

The corners of his lips lifted up in a smirk. "Narinig mo yun? Your boyfriend is damn hot!" he said.

I rolled my eyes and stalked out of the restroom. Nang makalayo ako ay doon pa lumabas si Jeremy at sumunod sa akin. Inakbayan niya kaagad ako habang naglalakad kami patungo sa classroom ko.

"I'll see you tonight?" he whispered on my ears as we neared my classroom. Binalingan ko siya at tipid na nginitian.

"Yeah, sure."

He nodded his head and stole a kiss from me. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. If any teacher saw us, they would surely flip and send the two of us to the guidance office for the nth time.

Bago pa man ako makapasok sa classroom ko ay naramdaman ko ang malakas na paghatak sa akin. Napalingon kaagad ako at nakita si Mariah, grinning like an idiot.

"Let's skip classes," she said.

I groaned. "I've already missed two consecutive—"

"Blah, blah, blah." She said, already dragging me out of the room. Napailing nalang ako at binalingan ang classroom naming wala pang teacher. Dali-dali kaming lumabas ni Mariah. We used the damage in the school's fence to our advantage. It connects to the abandoned playground where most students go to make out, smoke, and hang out. Wala nang batang naglalaro rito simula nang gawin itong tambayan ng mga highschool students gaya namin.

"Hey!" Danielle beamed at me, already holding a bong. I eyed it suspiciously.

"Where'd you get that?" I queried.

"This?" bahagya niya pa itong inalog at ngumisi siya nang malaki. "I bought this one."

"You're crazy," humalakhak ako sa kaniyang sinabi. How could she buy that if she's still a minor? Siguro ay sa mga nakakatanda niya itong kapatid. She started filling the bong with the water from her tumbler and even added a piece of ice cube. Where she got the ice, that I didn't know. Later on she added the finely-grounded marijuana and tested the bong using her mouth. The water bubbled up, but it didn't reach her lips. She smiled in approval.

Iniabot niya sa akin ang bong. I placed it over my mouth, gently pursing my lips to fit it inside. Taking a hit, I closed my eyes as the cool smoke entered my lungs and dreaded a little when it burned slightly as I pulled it away from me. I passed the bong next to Mariah.

"How's Thea doing?" I glanced at Danielle. She might look like an innocent angel and a clean-freak teenage girl but she's actually dating someone with the same sex. We found it out when we accidentally saw her supposedly "bestfriend" kissing the life out of her when she was confined in the hospital because of dengue.

She shrugged. "Doing fine, I guess."

Binalingan ko naman si Mariah. "Mariah, 'twas your painting featured in the hallway again, right?"

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "How do you know?"

"Well, I'm kind of familiar with your style. I know it's you. Do you have a picture of it? Let me see it again! I'd love to have that piece of shit in my room."

"It's not peace of shit, you know," she rolled her eyes jokingly and pulled out her phone. Mariah is really talented when it comes to painting but sucks terribly at Mathematics. I guess no person could be imaginative and genius at the same time. Unless you strive hard, I guess.

Iniabot ni Mariah sa akin ang kaniyang phone. I squinted my eyes closer to the screen of her phone. "It's really pretty. . ." I said genuinely. "But I don't understand. What does it mean?"

"I really don't know myself," she shrugged. "Our job as artists ends the moment we let go of the paintbrush. It's up to the viewers to interpret it themselves." Inilapit ko pa ang phone sa mukha ko. All I could make out from the splatters of black, blue, and white paint is a silhouette of a girl and an ocean and what seems like a vast space and weird elements I couldn't name of. It's kind of weird but it stirs something from the insides. The teachers hanging it on the wall to showcase her talent must really say something.

"Your turn," Danielle tapped my shoulder and handed the bong to me again.

LATER ON THAT night, I found myself lying alone in my bed, reading the page where I left off Jane Eyre. I was in the middle of squinting my eyes on the pages when a car honked outside the house. The honk is so familiar that I didn't bother to check my windows to see that it was Jeremy's car parked out of the house. I hurried downstairs, grabbing my hoodie and a set of keys in case my mother decides to lock me out of the house again. She's not in favor of my relationship with Jeremy, deeming him as a bad boy the way he really is.

"Hey," I grinned, carefully pulling the gate open and glancing at the house every now and then. Baka kasi biglang magising sina mama at papa. It's half past eleven o'clock, but my father would sometimes go out for a lit.

"Baby," he murmured against my lips before he covered my mouth with a kiss. I responded his hungry kisses but pulled away the moment he slipped his hands inside my shirt and tugged at the underwire of my bra.

"You do realize that my parents, are like block away from us, right?" I rolled my eyes at him.

He lifted one pierced eyebrow and grinned. "Stop drinking coffee. Masyado kang nerbyosa,"

Napailing nalang ako. He opened the door of his car for me as I climbed inside. I even had the audacity to place my feet on top of the dashboard as he circled around the car and settled inside as well. When he started the engine of the car, I scrolled throughout my playlist and pressed Lana del Rey's album. When her soothing voice filled the car, I started to relax.

I closed my eyes. They say depressed people locked themselves inside their rooms, a blade in hand with the loud music blasting into their stereo as they slowly dig the sharp edge to cut their skin. They say depressed people are the one who smiles a lot and entertains the whole class but would break down inside the comfort room during break times. They say they don't have any emotions at all and some of them even had lost their will to live. They don't find any pleasure on things they once declared they love the most.

I pushed all the thoughts away as we slowed down in front of the apartment that he's renting. My carousel of thoughts about depression went to a sudden halt as I quickly climbed out the car. He lazily pushed the wrought iron fence gate and crossed the dirt path to their front step.

Empty bottles of beers scattered the living room and half-eaten bag of chips decorated the dirty sofa. Jeremy seldom cleans his apartment. He invites his friends every now and then because he has no one to share the medium-sized apartment with.

Dumiretso ako kung saan ang fridge niya. I grabbed a bottle of beer inside and leaned against the kitchen counter. Hinubad niya ang pang-itaas niyang damit at isa-isang pinulot ang nagkalat na bote ng mga beer sa sahig. He glanced at me and a smile crept up to his lips.

"Aren't you going to stay here tonight?" he said, walking past me and stashing the garbage on his bin.

I shrugged. "Dunno. My parents will freak out once they found out that I'm not inside my room. . . so no."

"Alright." Naramdaman ko ang mainit niyang hininga sa bandang likuran ko. I grinned at him and turned around but before I could even speak, siniil na niya ako nang isang mapusok na halik. My eyes widen. He pressed his body against me on the kitchen counter, his hands starting to roam around my body.

Mapupusok ang mga halik niya na sinuklian ko naman ng parehong intensidad. We stumbled into his bedroom with Jeremy trying to discard my clothes as quick as possible. He pushed me gently on the bed and collapsed on top of me. Sex had become more like a household chore that needs to be done than an intimate thing to do for me.

And while he was pounding on top of me, I tried to stop myself from picturing Uncle Thomas on top instead. I tried to suppress the fear on the pit of my stomach, refusing it to climb to my throat and turn into a sob. I'm doing this to prove to him that any sexual activity will not remind me of him. That I am not afraid of him.

Then I felt nothing.

My chest is hollow. Until Jeremy is done with me, I keep on staring at the mute ceiling hanging above us. Unlike other couples who would cuddle after having sex, Jeremy and I are different. We lay side by side in bed, naked and panting. After a while, he got up and took a shower. It took him half an hour before he emerged out of the bathroom, urging me to do the same.

I rolled my eyes and stepped inside his tiny restroom to clean myself as well. Habang umaagos ang mainit-init na tubig sa aking katawan, nakatitig lang ako sa malamig na marmol sa aking harapan. I still feel hollow. I'm no longer someone. I'm just flesh and bones walking around together, trying to pass each day rather than actually living it.

Napasinghap ako nang malalim.

"Let's go? I'll take you home," Jeremy grabbed his car keys the moment I stepped out of his bathroom with wet hair and in a clean shirt of his. I nodded my head and followed him mutely.

This is how it goes. Passing through days and not actually living for the moment. Welcome to my life.