I have always wondered about how it would feel like when the world would end.

Like in 2012, when there was a major rumour that the world was going to end, Kiyansh and I decided the only possible way that it could end was when we would be together, and that had led to us demanding our families that they were going to be there too. My mother had rolled her eyes and called it children's fantasy but Kiyansh's mom had chided her, and decided that it was going to be a stay over dinner party between our families, and that has been it.

I distinctly remember Kiyansh and I stuffing our mouths with grazing hot baati chokha, in a shared paper plate, a dish that our father rarely made, and my mother secretly loved over coals in the open winter garden made of eggplants, potatoes, gram flour and wheat, mist splashing against our faces like cold water. After dinner I remember my father knocking on Kiyansh's bedroom door, and surreptitiously handling us a plate full of chocolate cookies and cream rolls.

I remember curling up beside Kiyansh on his bed, our legs pushing each other's for the most part of the fleece shared blanket. We were laughing about how if we were going to die atleast we were going to die together eating chocolate cookies and cream rolls. We had bantered about if we were going to end up in hell or heaven and then eventually decided upon hell of heaven, an in-between place. A term we had invented, because Kiyansh had said that all humans were going to hell and I had argued that it was not possible because there were good humans on earth and that's why heaven existed and what about our promise to meet Charlie there?

I think it would have been better if the world had ended up on that day.

Not like this. Not today. Not when I thought all those years of my acting out to just be his best friend was over. Not when I thought I was going to tell him that I loved him. That I have loved him since the day he found Charlie. Not when I thought maybe just maybe he loved me back too. Why else would your best friend ask you to marry you?

I guess I now have the answer. He would ask you because you are dumb. You are tolerable and his family will stop nagging him.

It's not because of the way he is pretending to look at you now. I think. Like he is the one who didn't say the words. Like it came from someone else's mouth.

"Not real." I say out loud again.

"What?Shanvi " He starts to move towards me. I raise my palm to stop him and he flinches back like I have slapped him. Don't let him touch you Don't let him touch you.

"You are not going to come closer. " I say forcing back my tears. You are not going to be any more dumb, I tell myself.

I imagine the faces of my parents and his. How happy they looked, how miserable they would be if they come to know about this. I can't let that happen to them. I won't let him. The plan starts to formulate in my head and I take a deep breath. You can do this. You can do this.

If he thinks he can handle you, use you like a puppet, so can you.

"You are not going to come closer ever." I repeat again. Yes. "And you are going to pretend. For today. For a year. You will do what I will say and you will lie about us to our parents. " He looks at me like he doesn't know me. He opens his mouth to say something but then I stop him with a wave of my hand. I see red on his face. But my face must be pretty red too because he doesn't stop me. "And I will not come in your way. You can be with whomever you want to be. You can go wherever you want to go." I am looking at the asphalt as I say this, but then I force myself to look straight at him, to let myself feel what I am feeling, to remember.

His face is contorted in rage. For the first time in my life, I don't care. The words are poison to my throat. I guess this is what it feels like when the world ends.
"We will pretend that we are okay. That I am living with you. I will shift to Mumbai, I will say I have work. And after a year I will divorce you. How about that?",

"What? " He blinks. "You are my wife. You are my best friend. I lo-"

"Oh how wonderful!" A laugh cuts through, whatever bullshit he was trying to feed me with. "I was wondering where were you. So sad I missed so much part of the drama." I turn my head and see Sahana standing there with her hands excitedly clasped in front of her like she was going to applaud. Her lips painted deep red, her famous sneer planted on her face, she is looking like a witch in a Wonderland.

I remember the past times she had dragged me into her dramas. But this time I promise to myself I will not give her the satisfaction or him, so I forge myself up to stand straight, to put all my embarassement and feelings aside. And I do the least expected thing ever, shocking even myself, I smile at her. And I don't even have to force myself. I hate her with my guts and I let her see that in my smile.

For a moment her expression becomes slack but then in a second it's gone like it never existed in the first place.

I stray away my eyes smiling, letting her know without saying that she doesn't deserve my attention. "I am going to the party." I turn to Kiyansh looking him straight him in the eye with that smile.

He looks uncertainly at me. And opens his mouth to say something. And I don't wait. Without a single word or a single look back at them I start to walk away and forward, my heels clicking on the asphalt, like my heart was being singed with the needles.

I find Parth standing near the car. He looks at me and stands straight opening his mouth to ask something when I hear footsteps coming around. I don't turn to look who's it is because I know who it is. Good , he understands.

Kiyansh comes beside me and stops, but as I asked him to, he stands with distance between us. "Let's go." He says, his voice back to the sharp arrogant tone I am well aware of, his pleading voice feeling like a far distance echo.

Even though this is what I asked for, it hurts like hell. It feels like someone has plunged inside my chest and plucked my heart. For a single foolish second back there again I thought maybe he was going to tell me it was not true. That it was some bizzare dream.

I look at his calm, composed, painfully beautiful face. Of course it wasn't a dream Shanvi.

Parth looks between us back and forth, as if he was planning to object, but I shake my head. He shouldn't lose his job because of me.

I nod and without a word get inside when Kiyansh opens his car door for me. " I will see you at the party. " I say to Parth. Something flashes in Kiyansh's eyes but he doesn't say anything.

He gets on the driver side. Then without a word he starts driving and I look outside at the long trees and gray sky. And I remind myself again and again. You can do this . You can do this.

Hey Guys!! How are you????
I hope you all are doing good.

As you all know most of us are home during this period and we have so much time. I hope you're using that time to do something you love. It may be anything, don't guilt yourself into objecting and depriving yourself of doing the things you love. You can pick up the hobby which you have left fir years. Or just look at the sky like me❤️

As for you who aren't home, I pray that you all are having fun too. Because you rock!!! Remind yourselves that.

I have been reading a lot. And thanks to " Saavan" ( God Shiva and Parvati) which as some of you must know, the weather is really beautiful. Thank God I am home with family.

Find something to be grateful about. It will make you smile:)

And also shoutout to the new readers. And thank you for the ones who have been with us so far!! ❤️