note: the song attached in this chapter is this story's main inspiration. i love it sm.

anyways, thanks for reading, everyone !! ( ◜‿◝ )♡

20

Five months after everything that had happened, I still feel stuck in those mornings. The morning Maisie died. The early morning I watched Astrid walk away from me.

Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night because I'd think I'd smell Astrid out of nowhere. Sometimes I go to the cafeteria and hope I'd see her again - maybe she didn't die, after all, and everything was just a bad dream. But then I'd walk the streets home and see posters of her face, and Maisie's, too, which were permanent reminders that they're dead and are not coming back.

I know it's a bit narcissistic to think like this, but somehow, I feel responsible as to why those happened to them. If only I didn't let my emotions get the most of me and didn't leave Maisie. If only I didn't allow Astrid to walk away from me. I know thinking of these things wouldn't change anything, but I really can't help it.

There are things I wish I had done differently. I wish I did not choose to go to the bathroom. I wish I didn't even go to the party in the first place. Then Astrid wouldn't have met me. Then she wouldn't have to stop Douglas from killing me. Then she would have lived then I would have died, which would be for the better.

I don't know why I'm still here.

I exhale a puff of smoke as I sit in our bathtub. Sometimes, I like to close my eyes and pretend it's that night of the party and Astrid is in front of me and she would kiss me and nobody would interrupt us because, in my head, Douglas does not exist. Astrid's lips would be dry and rough but I'd like it anyway.

Then I'd open my eyes and be reminded of the bullshit that truly happened.

Perhaps I'd just have to live with this and hope for the best that somehow, someday, I'd be able to walk away from the voices that continue to blame me every second I breathe. Maybe some people aren't just meant to have happy endings, and sadly, I'm one of those people.

Still, it kills me that I have no way of knowing whether or not Astrid was Douglas's willing accomplice, and honestly, after a long time of thinking, I guess I'm fine with being uncertain.

I mean, just fuck it all. Not everything's meant to be answered anyway. All I know is that in some way or another, Astrid had saved my life - even when she didn't have to.

I still think of her. I guess I always will. Especially when the moon is out, because it really reminds me of the time she talked shit about it. I found it really funny. Even more so because she thought the moon was not anything special, but then it ended up outliving her, watching her as she bled herself to death in a dirty couch. Turns out that between her and the moon, it was her that was the loser.

I drop my lit cigarette on my bathtub, and the fire died as soon as it hit the water.

It reminds me of Astrid and I, somehow.

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