19

I used to wonder a lot about how I would die. Maisie and I used to talk about it – she said she'd want to be beheaded, so it would be quick. Sometimes she said if she would be hit by a train or any vehicle of some sort, she hoped it would kill her immediately so she wouldn't suffer anymore. I used to think the same way because I, too, wanted a quick, painless death.

But as I grew, I realized I probably want to die from drowning. It would be a slow, painful death, but at least it would give you enough time to ponder about the life you've had. Slow, heavy, the water pressing in, stealing breath and time.  Enough time to feel every second slip away, enough time to curse or forgive, to scream or surrender. Would I fight for air? Or would I just sink, willing the surface to forget me?

I wonder if Astrid wondered about what her death was gonna be like.

Astrid was found dead inside Douglas's house. They said she was sitting on a couch, an unlit cigarette between her lips, in a rock band shirt and baggy pants. They said that it seemed like she positioned herself there as she bled out from multiple stabs, and even tried to smoke before she passed away.

Douglas was also found dead in his bedroom. He died of being stabbed as well, and after a lot more investigation, it appeared that the two of them had a huge fight which led to each other's deaths. But that's not the worst part of the case.

As they investigated the house, they found a knife, ropes, and multiple tapes under Douglas's bed. The very thing that had intrigued the police though was a few bottles of blood and hair, which were later confirmed they belong to his first three victims. At this point, everything was pretty much clear.

They also found a long list of feminine names in his belongings, in the correct order of which the three girls were killed. Maisie. Jacqueline. Esther.

I don't know if the list itself is terrifying, or the fact that right below the third girl's name was mine.

—