06

"Why are you hanging out with me?" she asked.

"I'm not," I said, my arms wrapped around my knees. I decided to lie. "The place out there is too noisy for my liking, and this is the only place in this house I can tolerate."

"This is a fucking party; of course it would be noisy."

"Can't you just be quiet and leave me alone?"

"They bullied you out there, didn't they?"

"What makes you say that?"

"You were crying when you were throwing up."

I wished she would shut up, but it was too late to even defend myself from her. She already saw me do something extremely embarrassing.

"I wasn't crying because of them," I said, which was partly true.

"Oh. Okay. Your best friend died after all."

"It should have been me."

That was the first time I said that out loud. It felt different. Within those ten days of saying that, I was saying it inside my head. Repeatedly. Loudly. All because I thought I deserved to hear it.

Maybe I still do.

I wonder what ran through Astrid's mind when she heard me say that. I heard her sigh. I heard her converse shoes slide across the bathroom floor as she turned her head to face me.

"I don't think so," she said. "Maisie wouldn't go in a bathroom vomiting in a sink. She wouldn't decide to sit with a stranger she found smoking. But you did."

I wanted to laugh, but I didn't. I stared at the small droplet of water inside the bathtub.

"For what it's worth," Astrid yawned. "I'm glad it's you."

"That doesn't matter to me."

"Valid."

I was lying. No matter how nonsensical it sounded, hearing her say something as stupid as that kind of mattered.

I smiled.

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