03

"Look who's here!"

It was Elle who said that and everybody laughed.

"If it isn't the girl that should have died in Maisie's place," Elle said and raised her drink as everybody cheered. "What a fucking loser!"

"Come on, Elle, don't be like that," Douglas said and wrapped his arm around her. He looked at me next as he walked closer. "What do you say, Clover? Mind spending the night with me?"

Douglas had a girlfriend. Not that I'd consider fucking him if he didn't have one, it just seemed sick that he'd say shit like that while being committed to someone else. But then again, I don't expect someone like him to be loyal.

"Fuck yourself," I said and walked past him. He then yelled, 'mean!' but I ignored him.

"Hey," Elle said, making me stop in my tracks. Her blonde hair was messy due to partying and her makeup was already running down her face.

"I just want you to know that everybody here believes it should have been you."

Shit.

I'm strong. Like, mentally. Fucked up things happen to me all the time, but it wasn't hard for me to get back up. Hearing those words, though – was unexpectedly sharp, and it reminded me that the words it should have been me had repeatedly scratched inside my head the night I lost Maisie. I don't find myself worthy of living anyway. If I were a god and I was choosing between a girl without a direction in life and a girl who brings sunshine anywhere, I would have chosen the first girl to die. What was he thinking when he allowed Maisie to die and not me?

It should have been you.

Right.

I didn't realize that it was more hurtful to hear it from someone else.

I looked at Elle, at Douglas, at everybody else, and they were looking at the girl whose only likable trait was her best friend. But she'd died, and suddenly, she was nothing but dirt.

It should have been you.

Their eyes were like those of a monster at the edge of your bed on one of those dark dreams you'd get when you're feverish, and suddenly, though I was unfamiliar with this feeling, I was scared.

It was then that I realized that going there was a mistake.

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