Cosmos, Chapter Sixty Seven - Kibō to Kaifuku [希望と回復 ]
It was the dawn of the first day.
The first of three days she had to work through her thoughts and get her world in order. To learn to dispell this dark ocean that was drowning her in grief and hatred. Or at least, to make a valiant effort into doing as such.
Promises were made frequently, thrown around like candy to placate weeping hearts and ease doubts. There were many promises that had been made to Amaya in the past year that had been broken in the worst of ways.
But the promise Maehara made to her rung with a different tone.
The words were crisp and sharp, ringing with clarity she hadn't heard in many weeks. Her confidant had proven thus far that he didn't do things half way. And to date, she couldn't think of a promise he had made to date that he didn't uphold in the truest sense of the word.
And if anything, it was his promise to rescue her from herself if she failed that had been what she needed to hear to get the ball rolling.
For the first time in a long while, she didn't feel like she was all alone in this nightmare.
The sun was beginning to rise in the skies when Amaya had reluctantly pulled herself out of her egg chair in the attic, illuminating the hanging clouds in uncomfortable smears of grey against an otherwise white sky. It was still quite early, and there was no real need to rouse her siblings from bed; It was Saturday, and for once the after-school duties of Head Boy Yuta and Class Rep Reiko were confined to just an afternoon ordeal.
But as Amaya made her gradual way down that ladder into the pantry, she could hear through the walls that her siblings were all already awake.
'Nooo! I don't want tomato noodles for lunch!' Samuel's dramatic complaints from downstairs, causing the albino to roll her eyes in disdain.
'Stop being dramatic! It's not even that bad!' Yuta's frustrated quip was next to echo through the thin walls of the pantry.
'Actually, I'm kinda on Sammie's side on this...' Reiko added hesitantly. 'It seems gross...'
'Do you even remember what it tastes like?'
'Tomato's horrible! Its slimy and acidic without anything good to come with it!'
'I actually just meant what Amaya used to cook, Reiko...'
'Oh.' Reiko deadpanned. 'Then no.'
'Then don't complain and say that pasta's gross when you don't even remember it properly!'
'You didn't even want anything to do with it after you asked me if I rememered anything that Amay used to like!'
'I asked because you have the stupidly good memory!'
Oh dear god, were they arguing about food of all things?
It wasn't even 7am yet, and they were already getting into a flaming spat over lunch options!
'Do you mind not screaming the house down?' Amaya quipped as she emerged from the pantry, wincing as she ran a hand through her tangled hair. 'Sooner or later our neighbors are going to mistake your arguing for somebody being murdered in cold blood and call the police on us.'
'Big Sis Amay!!!' Samuel's ecstatic squeal rung through the whole house as he sprung into motion. 'GOOD MORNING!'
Within a couple of seconds, Amaya was met with the now-famliliar sensation of an eight year old hamster in human guise leaping at her for a hug. Yuta and Reiko remained standing in the kitchen, with the former hissing some kind of rebuke to his sheepish looking twin.
'So? What's with the arguing?' Amaya pressed the twins for an answer.
'Yuta wants us to take pasta to school later.' Reiko answered with a sigh, cutting in before Yuta could possibly claim otherwise.
'I gathered that much.' Amaya quipped.
'And we said that tomato is gross so no, we don't want icky tomato pasta.'
'There's nothing wrong with it!' Yuta complained, however Reiko was quick to roll her eyes in response.
What on earth... did she really manage to convert Yuta into being less against tomato? And how? He only ate just one thing, he couldn't possibly be that thoroughly enlightened already.
'Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Yuta...' The albino began as she attempted to dislodge Samuel's clingy form from her right leg. 'But we used everything needed to make it the last time you asked me to--'
Amaya found herself surprised when Yuta managed to lift a shopping bag and deposit it onto the counter. Its contents were immediately obvious through the mesh walls; Dried spaghetti packets and a large bag of tomatoes.
'You didn't go to the convenience store, did you?' Amaya questioned sternly.
If he did, she was going to be having some stern words with all three of them.
But she couldn't be entirely sure that he did, because she didn't recognize that shopping bag as one of theirs.
'No, Isogai-senpai--'
'Reiko!' Yuta hissed angrily
'Isogai-kun did?' Amaya was floored by such a statement. 'Really?'
'Uhuh.' The younger girl chirped.
'Sh-she's lying!' Yuta frantically cut in before his twin could elaborate. 'I-I snuck out last ni--'
'No, you're lying. Poorly.' Reiko rebuked before she redirected her attention straight back to Amaya. 'Isogai-senpai dropped them off half an hour ago. He left before Sammie could squeal the house down and wake you up.'
'Big biiiiiig brother came with a friend!' Samuel chirped eagerly, evidently pleased to contribute to the situation at hand. 'Grey hair! Big like Big sister Amay!'
Undoubtedly, the big-big brother was in reference to Isogai, and the other was...?
...Oh.
That sounded like Kataoka...
While the news was jarring and uncomfortable, Samuel's input was the last piece of conflicting information Amaya needed to start comprehending the basics of the situation.
'How long has this been going on?' The albino demanded cautiously.
'Whenever Yuta called to--'
'You weren't supposed to say anything!' Yuta practically roared at his twin, his patience well and truly spent.
'Ah... my bad.' Reiko dismissed without a care towards Yuta's mood. 'It was too late the second Amay caught us arguing, really.'
Amaya was silent as the pieces fell into place inside her head.
So that's where Isogai's means of looking out for her had been....
Not face-to-face like Maehara's been this whole time, but hovering out of her span of notice, quietly out of her line of sight so as to not overwhelm her when even just the smallest look could tip her over the edge. Tending to her siblings needs for her without making it obvious, checking in on her in the meantime through updates he would get from Yuta to fill in the pieces that Maehara's own observations could not...
Of course Isogai would choose this way to try and help her.
It was so like him that she was disgusted with herself for failing to guess as much to begin with.
The albino let out a weary breath as she roughly ran a hand through her haywire hair, ignoring the glaring match between Yuta and Reiko as she tried to shove the information away into the back of her mind.
'Well, either which way, you both need to drop it.' She muttered as she ushered Samuel's clingy form aside so she could wander into the kitchen. 'All that matters is that you didn't go out at only gods knows what hour to buy bloody tomatoes.'
'Okay, Amay!' Reiko chimed, shooting Yuta a smug grin a second later.
Unfortunatley, this was followed up with a half-hearted slap upside the head from Amaya.
'I said to drop it.'
'Sorry...'
Amaya didn't respond. Instead, she ushered both Yuta and Reiko out of the kitchen and began to prepare breakfast for the morning.
Few words were shared between the twins as they watched Amaya's motions, and before long the albino was left alone to her thoughts. The chaos of the morning eventually moved back upstairs where the cats were lounging, and downstairs was quiet save for the clunking of the knife in Amaya's hand.
Questions peppered her otherwise apathetic state of mind, their presence ricocheting through her head.
What had she accomplished in the two weeks since she had run away from that classroom?
She spoke as if picking herself back up was accomplishable in just three days, but could she really do it?
Could she miraculously fix herself before Maehara and Isogai would turn up to drag her the rest of the way?
These questions repeated through her head as the minutes ticked by, as she served up breakfast... Even as she washed up the dishes and was dragged into giving her siblings their overdue hair cuts.
She had to fix herself.... Because she didn't want to talk about the shadows hanging over her head.
She could tolerate Maehara speaking of it, because he'd experienced more of what the shadows entailed than even Karma had, but that didn't mean she could bring herself to open up further on it.
She still couldn't accept that Koro-sensei had volunteered her background to the class like that. She still couldn't forgive him for breaking her trust, for choosing the easy way out when it wasn't his own wounds he was tearing open to do it.
They said in order for others to accept you, you have to first accept yourself. You had to love yourself first.
But how was that possible?
Even now, after all these years, Amaya still fliched away from mirrors. The very glimpse of herself in the crystaline reflection was enough to send her reeling on a bad day.
When it felt like she was accepting herself, when she started recoiling less and less...
When she started opening her heart...
When she started getting attached...
That was when people started painting her in blood and fear.
It was impossible to not feel pain from that, to be unaffected by the looks that people cast, the very ones she had endeavored to protect because she cared. She had defended them from Asano Gakushuu's insults, she had tried to protect Kanzaki from Takaoka when he tried to hurt her. She had tried numerous times to help in her own way...
It was inevitable that it would hurt when they'd look at her like they did, wasn't it?
It was understandable that after so long, she'd start to internalize their accusing stares, right?
How was she supposed to love herself when that was how people looked at her? How they spoke of her?
What was one thing she even liked about herself?
Amaya couldn't think of even one thing, no matter how hard she tried, no matter how long she stood there, sweeping up the hair trimmings from the floor, or even as she walked her siblings to school.
She didn't like any physical aspect of herself; She was riddled with scars, her albinism singled her out in a crowd, and she didn't have the soft, girlish features every other girl her own age had. She felt like the ugliest person standing in the crowd.
She had no talents beyond inflicting harm; any other skill to her person was tailored to trying to provide for her sibligns. She was sadly rather accident-prone.
And she felt cursed, unlovable.
She didn't feel like she was worthy of the sheer adoration Maehara, Isogai or even Okuda had for her. She didn't feel like she deserved to even be able to call them friends.
So how was she supposed to love herself when that's all she saw in the mirror?
How was she supposed to start, when she didn't know what was even good about herself?
The answers evaded Amaya as she whiled away the hours for her siblings to finish their after-school commitments, and even as she later got them organized for bed.
What did Karma even see in her for all those years he hung around?
What kept him around, what had him suffer through the pain and anguish her very existence caused him? She didn't even know if it was worth knowing the answer to that question.
But she couldn't help but wonder.
It was the first night that Maehara didn't call, though an email had been left to let her know that he was just a call away if she needed him.
She wasn't surprised; She had asked him to give her until Karma and Nagisa were back on solid ground to try and fix this. He'd of course give her extra space to try and do what she needed to.
But it still felt lonely.
The dawn of the second day came with a frigid chill that blanketed the windows in frost and plunged the temperature in the house into the negatives.
Time really passed quickly once Amaya put a deadline on it.
Sunday was a frightfully chaotic day with three kids under the age of twelve arguing among themselves over homework assignments and entertainment plans. It had gotten bad enough that Amaya even asked if they could go amuse themselves at one of their friends houses for the daylight hours.
An ecstatic Reiko lept at the opportunity to call Koichi and Mako to arrange a lunch date with some other classmates, and before the hour was even up, Mako's father had arrived at the front door ready to collect Amaya's siblings for their outing. With promises that he would have the three kids back home by sundown, Amaya watched as the large green vehicle disappeared down the street.
Day two was the day for her to try and learn to let go.
And as she stood in front of Koko's cage, watching silently as he continued to cower in the back of the cage out of her reach, Amaya knew that sadly, she had to start here.
The conure had made his feelings clear ever since Amaya had that meltdown in the kitchen two weeks ago.
He was terrified of her, just like half of that classroom up on that mountain.
There was no point in holding on when he didn't want anything to do with her, anymore. To do so, would be cruelty,
Before her siblings had returned from their day out, Koko, cage and all, was gone. She had painstakingly taken him and all belongings back to the bird cafe he had originally been from, and gave him back. All that remained was the outdoor aviary she had built for him, and the bloodied bite marks left in her hands.
As Amaya sat alone in her attic room, bundled up in blankets as she stared up at the dark ceiling, she finally listened to those voicemails.
They were, for lack of a better word, uninformative.
There were two voicemails from Isogai, updates he didn't expect replies to on that unfortunate day, informing her of when her siblings had been collected from school and when they had been dropped off at Maehara's house.
Three separate voicemails following these two were from Karma, fragmented, repetitive forms of what he'd called out from the other side of her front door. Urging her to answer the door, to talk with him. Each one more urgent than the last, each filled with so much desperation in his voice that it was suffocating to hear.
Two voicemails from Okuda Manami were next in the list, stuttering, nervous requests to speak. She wished Amaya well, hoping that in spite of expectations, that the albino was recovering.
Two more voicemails from Karma followed Okuda's shy messages, downcast, sad even. All urgency had faded from his voice, replaced solely with grim understanding. He pleaded with her to return his emails, expressing clear concern over the number of days it had been since he'd last spoken to her. She didn't doubt him for a second when he said that he was sorry.
A lone voicemail from Isogai was next, informing her that he was there for her, that he would be there the very second she reached out to him. That, unlike Maehara, he was keeping his distance because he knew she needed space. He didn't so much as mention the classroom, didn't mention anything about Karma, or even Koro-sensei.
And finally, the last voicemail was the very one she heard in person, word for word. In spite of the fact that she had heard Karma speak every word of this message to her, she still listened to it in its entirety.
He sounded so tired, so haunted by the past two weeks that it hurt her to hear it. Every word was heavy on her shoulders, suffocating in just the same way that it was heartbreaking.
She hated hearing how crushed he was in person, and she hated it even more to hear it now.
There were no further voicemails following this last one from Karma, and with that, Amaya set her phone down, and let the tears run free.
There was no doubt in her mind that she still cared for him. Even now, she missed him dearly, even with all the hurt and betrayal clawing through her innards. Thinking about him was painful, hearing his voice through those messages was even worse, but right now?
Hearing him so tired and broken hurt more than anything else.
A faint, chiming sound began to ring out through the empty stillness of Amaya's attic just shy off of 3am, rousing the albino from the starting ebbs of slumber with a jolt. It took her a couple of seconds to note that the chiming was from her phone, if only because she could feel it vibrating against her chest. Blearily, she lifted the device to squint at the display.
Immediately, she felt her heart sink inside her chest when she saw that the person calling her, was Karma.
What on earth was he calling at 3am for?
She knew for a fact that he was supposed to be leaving for that rocket takeover shortly. Within the hour, in fact. Maehara had told her a little more about it before he'd asked about Okuda that last time he'd called, so she was quite aware in spite of herself that things were on the move.
Had something happened?
There were a multitude of reasons for Amaya to avoid answering, many of which she had used before; She wasn't ready to face him. She was too scared of witnessing the fallout of what had happened, of hearing what he was going to say to her now that Koro-sensei had upended her mess of secrets to the world. She didn't truly know if he was sorry he'd hurt her, or just sorry she reacted the way she did. She was too angry, too hurt to answer.
But now?
Silently, Amaya closed her eyes as she reluctantly pressed answer and carefully held the phone to her ear.
'A-Amay...?' Came a very small, and startled response through the earpiece. She recognized his voice without hesitation, instinctively, and yet this sounded nothing like Karma at all. Behind the evident startle that gave the clear impression that he hadn't even expected to hear the line connect, he sounded as miserable and exhausted as she was.
She refused to answer, to give any further sign that she was there away to him.
She was listening, but she wasn't reciprocating; She wasn't ready to take that step, yet.
'H-hey... I didn't expect you to answer...' Karma eventually began once it was clear he wasn't going to get any answer from her, though he seemed grateful enough that she was even listening at that moment. She heard him take a shaky breath through the line and had to place more effort in keeping herself silent. '...Are... you okay?'
No.
No she wasn't 'okay'.
And hearing the way his words litled and his voice crack ever so slightly, she knew without a doubt that he wasn't okay, either.
'Did... you listen to any of the voicemails I left?' Karma eventually asked her.
Yes; They did nothing more than make her feel worse than she already did.
'...I... I promised to give you as much time as you want... I know I did, whether you listened to the messages or not, I really did, and I've tried...' He continued, evidently accepting that he wasn't going to get any answer out of her. 'I thought I could... you always made it look so easy...'
It wasn't easy.
It always felt like she was drowning in despair whenever she'd magically do wrong by him, and he would refuse to have anything to do with her for weeks at a time.
'I can't... do this anymore, Amay...' A faint, barely audible sniffle echoed through the line in the break between his words, loud enough for her to pick up on in spite of how hard he was obviously trying to keep himself intact. 'I can't keep my distance like this without knowing if you're okay... without knowing if... if this is what you really want...?'
She had never heard him break down like this.
Scared, angry, worried, sure, but she had never heard him this ... broken before.
And in spite of herself, of what she promised, it hurt so much more to leave him like this.
She couldn't just leave him to crumble to pieces.
'...You have something more important you have to focus on now, don't you?' Amaya spoke softly into the darkness. She heard his breath hitch on the other end of the line, but steeled her resolve to continue none the less. 'You don't have the time to spend running around in circles over this.'
'A-Amay--'
'Not... now. Okay...?' She pushed further. 'They need you right now...'
There was no answer.
She suspected that he was at a loss of what to say to her.
'... Will you still be there when I get back?' He asked her.
Amaya didn't answer.
She didn't even know the answer to that question for herself.
A faint buzzing overtook her phone for a second, two half-second vibrations that signified an incoming email. She didn't even need to look to know it was from Maehara.
He'd promised her that he would email her when he was leaving to raid the launch site, after all.
'Time's up.' She whispered into the phone.
'W-wait, Amay--'
'Don't leave them waiting...'
And then, she hung up.
The weight of his words hung in the frigid air, their very presence biting at the back of her mind.
She opened her eyes to stare up at the ceiling, setting loose the tears that had been building up ever since she'd answered that call.
She didn't know if it was her own pain, or hearing his that hurt more.
The Dawn of the Third day arrived, bringing with it clear skies amid frigid temperatures.
And Amaya was exhausted beyond belief.
She didn't get a second of sleep following that call from Karma, and the emails Maehara sent her throughout the hours leading to daybreak did little more than eat away at her from the inside out.
By 5am, Amaya had given up on sleep altogether, and out of a need to busy herself, she set about tending to lunches for her three siblings.
It was good luck within bad luck that she'd been awake at such a time; Following their Saturday duties, the twins had to be at school by 7am the latest in preparation for a class trip, and Nishimura had offered for Samuel to accompany the class as well so he wouldn't be lonely.
After all, aquarium visits were always fun for children who loved animals.
And Nishimura always went above and beyond for children he felt needed a little more kindness and a guiding hand in life.
The lunches Amaya prepared was the best she could possibly do for such a day; she relented and made a pasta-themed bento lunch for Yuta, a vegetarian meal with just two boiled eggs for Samuel, and candied potatoes with braised beef for Reiko. Along with the lunches, Amaya packed an assortment of small snacks for between stops. Cookies, dried fruits, and a handful of chocolates.
It wasn't often that her siblings got to go on class trips, and given how unpleasant Amaya was to be around these days, she wanted them to have the best fun they could while the opportunity was around. Additionally, she had packed a change of clothes and sleepwear for each of them as unspoken permission for them to spend the night at Koichi's house if they wanted to.
She had overheard Reiko talking to Yuta about it when they had returned from their lunch outing just the day before.
For the fifth time since she had spoken to Karma that morning, Amaya's phone sounded a brief chime as she ushered her three siblings up the paved ramp leading to their required train, bleary eyed and sluggish in spite of how excited they had been for their class trip. The onslaught of yawns Reiko and Samuel would have drawn a smile from Amaya, had she not been so preoccupied with getting them to school on time.
'Amaya, your phone rung.' Yuta mumbled, sleepily rubbing his eyes as he trudged along at her side.
'Don't worry about it.' Amaya dismissed.
It was undoubtedly just Maehara giving her the latest update on their mission, because in spite of what she projected, in spite of how she tried to deny it, he knew she still cared about Karma.
'But somebody's clearly trying to get hold of you...'
'Hiroto-kun can wait.' She huffed, sourly. 'It's not an emergency.'
If it was, Maehara would have actually called her, instead.
Another chime from her phone brought a scowl to spread across her face the very instance she'd heard it.
'It seems important, though.' Yuta observed.
'Shut up and walk!' The albino quipped. 'Otherwise you're all going to be late!'
'Noooooo! I don't want to be late!' Samuel whined from a few meters ahead. 'I want to see the fishies! And the Turtles! Big Brother Glasses, hurry up!!!'
'Samuel, quieten down!' Yuta quipped harshly as he made his sluggish way forward to reprimand the youngest Katsuragi sibling. 'You don't shout like that in public!'
Well, actually it was best not to shout at the top of ones lungs at any point.
But Amaya wasn't in any mental condition to navigate through a full blown dispute between them.
The train ride all the way back was spent silent on Amaya's part as she kept watch of her siblings, scarcely breaking her gaze away for long enough to check her phone whenever a chiming message came in.
Each email was as expected; an update from Maehara, who clearly just wanted to keep her as up to date with the situation as he was.
But with each check of the phone came a brief glance from Yuta and Reiko, silent and observing.
It was the final day to try and fix herself, and here she was scarcely any better than when she'd started.
Could she even accomplish a fraction of what she'd said she'd do?
'Amay?' Reiko eventually spoke up as the train neared their stop, promptly earning Amaya's attention from another update from Maehara about the launch eta.
The albino found herself rather surprised to see that the twins had their undivided attention upon her, and both wore cautious, almost guarded expressions. Samuel sat on a seat by the window gushing over the cityscape, like he did every other time he caught the train.
This... didn't look good.
Unfortunately, Amaya already knew what it was they were going to ask.
'So, about walking us the rest of the way to school?' Reiko began hesitantly, casting a brief glance back at Yuta before she continued. 'You do know we can walk ourselves, right? We know the way there and back.'
'Yes?' The albino deadpanned. 'And?'
'And, we were thinking you could, maybe, let us walk on our own today?' Reiko continued with a wry smile.
'I think I'm going to go with 'no'."
She was already very much aware that she was being overprotective, that she was borderline obsessive with the way she had been refusing to let her siblings walk the streets of Tokyo alone when it didn't matter six months ago.
Maehara had already suggested that she was over-worrying.
Karma had already made it clear she was a paranoid little girl terrified of her own shadow.
And the sad thing was, she knew that was true.
But she couldn't unhook those claws from tearing at her insides, no matter how much she tried to.
'It's okay, Amay! It's just a few blocks away.' Reiko chimed as she purposefully bumped the older sister with an elbow. 'We used to always walk with Mako-chan and Kouichi-kun no problem, and that was from way back at the apartment!'
The gnawing unease clawing at Amaya's innards grew worse the longer her sister tried to negotiate with her, stronger and stronger as if the unease itself was growing extra teeth with every passing second.
It felt like the unease was turning into something worse, something volatile.
'Amaya.' Yuta's quiet call promptly snapped Amaya's attention from the beaming girl. 'There's somewhere else you've got to be right now, isn't there?'
The albino was silent in response.
It felt like he'd just thrown what she'd said to Karma straight back in her face.
'I know you're worried about letting us go on our own anymore, we get it why.' The bespectacled boy continued in spite of Amaya's lack of response. 'But you need to go, right?'
Amaya was silent, and Reiko kept herself from adding more to Yuta's statement.
'I'll make sure we all go straight there today so you can do what you need to.' Yuta reaffirmed. 'I promise.'
Her immediate response was to say no. To deny Yuta's observations and dig her heels in on the matter, but...
This was what Karma told her she was doing; Living in paranoia, unable to let go.
She was supposed to be learning to let go... she had promised Maehara that she was trying to get better.
So with a deep breath, Amaya reminded herself that everything was going to be okay.
She was of no use against Koro-sensei any longer with her official resignation sent off to Karasuma. There was no use in a wayward assassin using her against Class E any longer.
Her siblings were of no use to anyone...
And nobody wanted her anymore.
Her father was dead... He couldn't do anything to her anymore.
So... she gave in.
'...Okay.' Amaya relented with a sigh as she stared Yuta down. 'Just for today. But you must message me as soon as you know if you're staying at Koichi-kun's house. Becuse if you're not, I'll be waiting at the front gate for you all. Don't skip out on me.'
'I understand.' Yuta promptly agreed, though he was swift in casting Reiko a disapproving glare the moment she moved to celebrate.
So she stood her ground as the train pulled into the station, watching as her three siblings took off at a brisk walk down the streets until the train took off further down the line. Both of Samuel's hands were held firmly by Reiko and Yuta each to ensure he didn't run off like he often did.
It was the right decision, and yet...
That sense of dread that had coiled up in the pit of her stomach didn't dissipate.
'I'm just being paranoid...' Amaya told herself as the city buildings passed her by. 'That's all it is...'
Saying those words to herself didn't make her feel any better.
The path to recovery was never going to be easy, Amaya knew that all too well.
It was hard to accept the idea that she might really be sick, that everything she felt was an illness she needed to overcome.
Could she recover from this one? Or was it an offshoot of what went wrong with Yukariko? Something that was influenced by experimental drugs and traumatic nightmares? The doubts engulfed every thought inside her head, blinded her to her surroundings as her body lead her along a path her mind could not follow at that moment.
Not even the eventual gust of icy winter air was enough to disuade her wandering steps.
However, one final, chiming call from her phone eventually roused her from her internal dwellings.
Amaya found herself noticing for the first time that she wasn't back on that train, nor was she in the heart of Tokyo like she should have been. Instead, frost-bitten grasses crunched beneath her boot-cladden feet as she wobbled on her legs, icy winds harshly swept at her loose fit clothing, and her surroundings were empty fields.
She was standing up on a ridge overlooking what she immediately recognized to be an offshoot of Japan's space program.
She knew instinctively what was happening before her.
She knew for a fact that she wasn't the only spectator, but she was the only one out in the open like this...
She knew exactly where she was.
After every prying question, after every reassurance she gave herself, she had sworn to herself that she wasn't going to set foot here.
She had said no... so why was she standing here watching like this?
Why had she come to see them off?
It didn't change anything. It didn't help the hurt, didn't help the suffocating apathy that still held her in its clutches.
It didn't change the fact that she'd been thoroughly betrayed.
The countdown began to ring across the area, chiming from the overhead PA system that the facility had attached outside. Starting from 120 the countdown began, sounding like a heavy, ominous call to the dark unknown.
She didn't wish them luck; Anything she could say or do would be a wasted effort.
They'd be fine, no matter what that uncomfortable, anxious churning in the pit of her gut told her. They have the worlds greatest supercomputer and an impossible genius on their side. Simply walking across the busy city streets was more dangerous than this.
So, why...?
Something inside her ached at the question, protesting against the question. Because, deep down inside, she knew.
She had to see them off.
To see him off.
It wasn't to wish them well, to be respectful. To show solidarity.
None of that mattered.
It was to put things in perspective for her.
It just took the act of standing here, staring up at that lone rocket to accept it.
To accept everything.
[93... 92... 91...]
She had to accept the flaws he'd shoved in her face. To accept that she was keeping Toji's shadow alive by living in fear like this. He was right to tell her that she was refusing to accept the logical conclusion; That Toji had died.
Toji had been shot twice in the chest, once in the heart guaranteed. It had happened right in front of her; she knew better than anyone what had happened.
Nobody could survive that... No doctor could tend to that out in the back alleys, even if there was one present.
[64 ... 63... 62...]
He had to be dead... He couldn't hurt her anymore. He couldn't hurt anyone anymore.
She just needed to learn how to accept that.
She had to learn to forget, to lessen the amount of control his memory had over her.
But was it that simple?
Karma said that she was happier feeling like her life was worse than anybody elses... but nobody in their right mind would ever feel that way. She felt like she never compared her life to anyone elses, because her life and past was her own.
Did she really do that? Was she as petty and cold as he'd said?
Was she so shallow as to look at people like that without even realizing it?
[41... 40.... 39...]
No.
No she wasn't.
And she was letting herself believe it, because it had been shouted in her very face.
[33... 32... 31...]
She needed to pick herself back up again. She'd grown too dependent, too attached. Too much of her had changed since she had started her life as a student of 3-E.
She'd grown too complacent, too vulnerable.
She shouldn't rely on anyone anymore.
Everything was clearer back then, more concise.
She could make the necessary decisions if she stopped worrying about people. If she stopped caring about people... she could keep her siblings safe.
She could keep herself safe.
She only had so many years left in her, even if Shigure's prediction was off by some margin. She needed to stop wasting what was left of her life.
[15... 14... 13...]
If he couldn't help but think that he'd been better off if he'd never bothered with her all those years ago, then maybe, this needed to stop.
Maybe she needed to remove herself from his life, from this city, so that they both could forget?
[2... 1... 0...]
Maybe it would be for the best if this last memory of him was the end.
[Lift off!]
She didn't know.
As Amaya watched the cloud of smoke and flames burst from the bottom of the rocket, for once her mind was completely empty, devoid of even the apathy that had been a heavy smog over her very mind.
No emotion churned inside her chest as the rocket rose from the launch pad higher and higher into the sky.
Her mind and her heart was completely devoid, as empty as the clouded skies up above the earth. It wasn't the suffocating air of apathy that sapped the very life from her, and it wasn't even indifference.
It was just... nothingness.
It seemed wrong to feel like this.
Oh so wrong.
But as she stared up as the last glimpses of the rocket holding Karma and Nagisa vanished beyond the clouds, she found herself unwilling to question it.
She had 30 hours to figure out what was best for her; what she needed, what she wanted, and what she should do.
Her deadline was the rocket's re-entry into the earth's atmosphere.
Whether she vanished into thin air or remained was dependant on what answer she found in that time.
As her footsteps dispersed, abandoning the sight of the launch pad and fading vapor trails behind her, Amaya's phone began to ring form her pocket. An unfamiliar caller tone to her usual sounded in her ears as she carefully lifted the tiny device from her pocket.
A brief glance at the screen brought Amaya to frown.
It was the school her siblings attended.
Amaya took a deep breath as she picked up the pace, fumbling with her phone as she tried to get further away from the roaring that was still drowning all other sound from the area.
'Hello?' The albino answered, struggling to drown out the rocket's noise with her other hand clasped over her ear.
She couldn't hear the person on the other end of the call; She could hear that it was a woman, but her words were otherwise drowned out.
'Sorry, I can't hear you! I'm at the rocket launch!' Amaya tried to shout over the noise, all while struggling to navigate her way back the way she had come.
'Kats-- ... --san! Ca--... ear me?!'
'Still having trouble! Hang on!' Amaya all but swore as she tore off towards a distant phone booth in the hopes of using it as shelter from the noise. The door slammed shut behind her with a thud, halving the noise pollution by half. But it was still there. 'Try again! I might be able to hear you now!'
'Is this Katsuragi-san?' The woman questioned urgently, causing the albino to inwardly sigh.
'Yes, it Amaya.' She confirmed cautiously. 'Has something happened? Samuel hasn't hyped himself sick, has he?'
The woman on the other end of the call hesitated, seemingly surprised by Amaya's response.
'Katsuragi-san... your siblings aren't with you right now?' She asked.
'Umm, no.' Amaya disagreed, suddenly anxious. 'We parted ways at the station down the road from you. Like, ten minutes walk at most!'
'Are you absolutely sure?'
The clawing of that dread had swiftly returned, gripping her throat in its vice grip.
Amaya was taken aback by the question.
'Wha-- I'm telling you that they should be there with you! I walked them all the way there from near Kunugigaoka!' Amaya almost shouted her answer back at the woman. 'They were walking hand in hand! Yuta swore they were walking straight there with no detours! H-he...'
Yuta swore they'd be fine...
They'd walked further on their own before.
Nobody was going to touch them...
She was only supposed to be paranoid...
'Katsuragi-san,' The woman cut in over Amaya's spiraling thoughts. 'Your siblings never turned up for class.'
---=[Authors Notes]=---
This is an extremely quick note because I don't have a lot of time today to clean things up a bit better or post a better note. I'll get around to replying to everyone's comments on the chapters when I get home from work but for now, here's the next chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it. This was supposed to be included with the previous chapter but in total it wound up being roughly 16k words in all and there's no way I was going to upload a chapter that freakishly long.
Anyways, chapter title is as follows:
Kibō to kaifuku - Should translate roughly as "Hope and Recovery", written roughly as 希望と回復 if I'm not mistaken.
Sorry about the abruptness of all of this, I'll try and clean this up and do all the replying and everything when I get home. I just wanted to get this out to you before I forgot and wound up doing an uneccessary rework on it.
All the best, guys~!
<3 Amaris! [SnappyCockatiel]
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