Title: Uncontrollable wandless magic

Pairing: James Potter x Reader and James Potter x Lily Evans

Word count: 5256

Published: 25 June, 2020

Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore

You were sitting between Remus and Sirius at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, trying to force any kind of food down your throat, unsuccessfully. You were watching James Potter, the man who has secretly stolen your heart, flirting his way into Lily Evans' pants. It was not an usual sight, but for you it was heart breaking to watch over and over again, each and every day.

You wanted to scream, which you have internally done so, already. You wanted to break things, you wanted to punch people, you were fuming. Fuming wasn't even the right word to describe your feelings. You wanted people to feel the pain you were harbouring. You wanted to hurt people and it scared you. You weren't that kind of a person. Sure, you had bad days and worst days, but you were never one to inflict pain on anyone. 

This was different. You wanted to hurt them. You wanted them to feel your pain. How could they laugh so casually while you were trying to suppress all of your feelings, not to break the friendship you have had with James? How could he do this to you? Easily. He wasn't even aware of your feelings, he didn't even dare to imagine that you would ever feel something for him. He was stupid enough to think that you were too good for him and you were dumb enough to think that his feelings were real towards Lily. She was just a carefully planned distraction, but you couldn't have known that. Oh Godric, how he wished you were feeling something for him. Even if just a tiny part of what he was feeling for you, he would have been happy with just a fraction of it or even less, instead of nothing.

Lily's soft laugh triggered you. You closed your eyes, trying to hide the scene unfolding in front of you, not wanting to see any more of their gentle cuddles and seductive whisperings. You heaved deep sighs, trying to get rid of your thoughts of them, trying to close them out as quickly as you could. It hurt. It pulled your chest into a suffocating state, creating a lump in your throat. But then she laughed again with that flirtatious tone of hers, James joining in with ease. You opened your eyes and an enormous blast shook the walls of the Great Hall as the table in front of you broke in half with a loud cracking sound, causing students to jump in a scared state, gasp at the unusual scene. You kept blinking abruptly in surprise. You didn't know what happened. It wasn't you. You couldn't have done it. You looked at Dumbledore and as if he knew something, he didn't take his knowing eyes off you. You were utterly confused, you didn't know what to do.

Sirius and Remus looked at each other, then at you. You returned their surprised gaze, not understanding what was happening. You looked across the table, where James and Lily were looking around as well, as if searching for the culprit. As his gaze stopped on you, captivating yours, you turned away, not even wanting to look into those hazel eyes you cherished so much. As Remus stood up, you followed him, wanting to get away from the couple as soon as possible. 

*

You were sitting at a table alone in the library, writing your transfiguration essay for Professor Mcgonagall, when you overheard a quiet giggle. You looked behind you with a painful gaze. You didn't want to see it, you didn't want to hear it. Not again. But there they were. James leaning over the table, whispering into Lily's ear as he caressed her chin, before running his thumb across her lips, turning her gaze into a lustful one as she lifted her face to look up at him. You physically felt the pain in your chest as it compressed under the heavy weight of your feelings. 

You turned back to your table, trying to focus on whatever your book was trying to explain to you, unsuccessfully. You had no way to concentrate. He was laughing so happily at something Lily said. That laugh, that usually warmed your heart, now felt like a knife stabbing through your chest. You didn't even realise when a tear rolled down your face. You were hurting. More than you ever thought it would hurt. He was happy and you wanted to see him happy. But it was killing you inside. 

You closed your eyes, trying to clam yourself. You took a couple of deep breaths, feeling successful as the tears stopped coming down your cheeks. You opened yours eyes, leaning back over your parchment, when a snickering tone left Lily's lips, sending you over the edge. You wanted to scream at the tightening feeling around your heart, but it didn't come. Instead, as if a dark magic took over the library, all the old, dusty lightbulbs shattered into tiny pieces, leaving the place in darkness, its only form of light coming in through the corridor. You jumped back scared, shaking. You looked around, gasping for air.  Was it really you? You could feel an intense stare directed at you and as you turned to the side, you could see James looking at you with a confused expression. You snapped your eyes back to your table, rushing to pack all of your books, notes and quills into your bag, before hurrying out of the library. 

*

You couldn't sleep more than a couple of hours. You were exhausted, you wished to just fall back into slumber, but it never came. You skipped your breakfast and went straight to the Transfiguration classroom, not wanting to talk to anyone. You were scared. There was something wrong with you. You wanted to avoid anyone getting closer to you. 

Students started to gather around the classroom, waiting for Professor McGonagall to arrive. But before she appeared, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You quickly jumped away, brushing the hand off you. You turned around to see James with deep, furrowed brows, worry clearly plastered across his face.

"What is going on? You are acting strange." He stated the obvious. You just shook your head, hugging your own fragile body, not wanting to talk to him. You walked over to the other side of the corridor, taking out your Transfiguration book from your bag, turning to the page you didn't finish the day before. You could feel his intense stare on you, but you didn't budge. 

Soon enough McGonagall arrived to the classroom, letting people in to take their seats, before she started her monologue on the subject of the essay you have written. You concentrated on her every word, finally feeling like your brain was functioning without thinking of the boy who was breaking your heart into the smallest pieces.

But then the door opened and all the students looked at the back of the classroom, where Professor Dumbledore stood elegantly, looking around the students. 

"Minerva, if you don't mind, could I please borrow Miss. Y/L/N?" He asked, adjusting the way his glasses sat on his crooked nose. He didn't even take his eyes off you, even while talking to Professor McGonagall. Your eyes widened, your brows ran high in surprise. But then as it hit you, you knew why he needed you. You were doing dangerous things. Things that you shouldn't have. You were scared of being expelled, you didn't want to follow him.

"Of course." She replied, but you didn't move. You were scared of what were to happen and just stared at McGonagall's face hoping to change her mind. "Miss Y/L/N." She called you and you started reluctantly packing away your belongings. You walked around your table, catching James' worried eyes, but you didn't give it a second thought. You had to think about yourself now. 

You followed Professor Dumbledore out of the classroom, through the corridors of the castle, up to his office, where he offered you to sit down across his table, while he took a seat in his chair. 

"I am assuming, you know why I have asked you to come with me, Miss. Y/L/H." He spoke in a firm, but slightly soft tone. As if he was more concerned, than furious about your wrongdoings. You nodded along with guilt clearly showing across your face. "Could you please explain to me what is happening, so I can help to understand?" He asked, leaning forward on his table, as if he was indicating with his body language that he was more curious, than angry. 

"I..." You started, but you weren't sure what you have actually done, or how you have even executed the things that happened. 

"Let me help you." He spoke again. "If I'm assuming correctly, both the incident in the Great Hall and the Library are connected to you." You scrunched up your nose and furrowed your brows, hearing him blame you for the things you couldn't even explain. "Miss Y/L/N, noone is blaming you for it. These things can happen and this is not the first time I have seen a student lose control of the magic they harboured." Your eyes shot up, feeling a slight hope shine through you. "On occasions, our magic can even take on a physical form on its own. There are things we are capable of, even though we are not even aware of them. Your magic is one of a kind, but it has to be controlled. While this shows that you have unexceptionally great skills by birth, if it's not controlled carefully, it can cause fatal damages."

"But I can't control it." You tried to argue with him desperately. 

"I am aware of that. That is why I have called you here. I want to help you." You looked up at him with questioning eyes. "Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick will be helping you to learn to control you magic. It will not be easy and you will have to practice a lot, but when it's done, you will be able to control it, even when your feelings are scattered all over the place." He smiled knowingly.

"How did the Professor know that my feelings..." You wanted to finish your sentence, but he cut you off.

"The easiest way to lose control, even in magic with a wand, is by our feelings. What you feel, will always affect you. Your wand and your magic both feel what you do, that is why you have to control yourself." You nodded, a small smile appearing in the corner of your lips, feeling relieved at the thought that things were to feel normal again. 

* 

For days you kept disappearing after classes and didn't reappear up until late hours. You were working hard with Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick, while you got permission from Professor Dumbledore to attend to the Library after closing to be able to catch up on your studies after the special lessons. 

Your disappearance was getting harder to miss and while you thought only Remus realised that you were gone longer than usual, you couldn't have known that James was rather concerned, borderline upset that he didn't know what you have been up to since your abrupt leave with Dumbledore. 

Dumbledore has asked you to try to refrain yourself from any emotional impact that could compromise your learning period, therefore you have avoided James wherever you could. You wanted to, you needed to achieve full control over your magic and you had no intention of sabotaging that with James and Lily being... you didn't even want to think about it. You didn't want the distraction to take over you. 

On your most recent lesson Professor McGonagall asked you to bring along a friend who could help you stay in control, while you slowly got back into your normal routine. There was only one person you could think of. Remus. He was the one person who never hurt you, the one person you could fully trust. You chose him. You just hoped he would agree.

As you walked downstairs to the Gryffindor common room, you heard Remus' voice as he was talking to his friends. You were on the way to your lesson and as you didn't have time to ask him before, this was your only chance. 

You walked right next to the couch he was seated at, crouching down next to it, placing your hand on the arm of the sofa, waiting for him to realise your presence. He looked down at you with a questioning look on his face. 

"Is everything okay?" He asked and you nodded. 

"I just... I could use your help." You hoped he would understand, that whatever you needed from him, wasn't something you wanted to discuss while everyone was around. 

"Yes, of course." He smiled softly and stood up, walking after you. You could feel your friends' eyes on you, but you didn't care. You did actually, one certain person's, as you saw James' confused frown from your peripheral vision, but you just shook it off and placed it at the deepest part of your mind. You needed to concentrate on yourself now. That was your priority. 

As you walked to the classroom, Remus followed you diligently, not even asking any questions. You were glad he didn't. You weren't sure what to say or rather how to say it. You opened the door to the Transfiguration classroom, where McGonagall was seated behind her desk, reading upon some of the essays her students handed in. As Remus stepped inside too, with a frown across his brows, you closed the door and walked to the front of the room with Remus right behind you. 

"Ah, Miss Y/L/N and Mr. Lupin." She smiled knowingly. "While I wish I could say I am surprised to see Mr. Lupin here, I assumed, he would be your choice." 

"I'm not really sure what is happening here." Remus looked at you in confusion. 

"Oh..." Professor McGonagall exhaled slowly. You cleared your throat and turned towards Remus with a guilty expression across your face. 

"I need your help." You sighed desperately. "My magic has been hard to control lately and with Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick, I have been practicing to keep it in bay. However, they can not always keep an eye on me. I needed someone, who I trusted enough to help me when I am about to lose control." You spoke in a humble tone, not knowing how he would react.

"I will help." He replied, but as if you have missed his answer, you continued. 

"Of course, it's not forever. I have been working hard to keep my magic under control and it has been working very well lately. I just need someone who would calm me down, when I feel like I lose control." You kept going on.

"Y/N, I will help." Remus repeated himself, but once again, your mind wasn't ready to accept it. 

"If you don't want to do it, I completely understand, I have been doing this on my own for a while, I can control it quite well now. It would just be a safe place for me that you know about it and you are able to help before I do something..." Remus stepped closer, putting his hand on my shoulder, lifting your face with his other.

"I said, I would help." He chuckled softly. "You don't need to explain yourself to me. Tell me what to do and I will help." You looked at him with as much adoration as you could. You didn't understand, how you could have been so lucky to find such a great friend in him. You nodded at him with a light smile across your face, before giving him a grateful hug. 

McGonagall stood up from her chair and walked over to you, putting each of her hands on your and Remus' shoulder. 

"Mr. Lupin, I will be teaching you a bit more about Legilimency today. I am aware of your knowledge on the subject, but this will help you to practice with Miss Y/L/N, to keep her magic in control. " Remus nodded in agreement, listening to McGonagall, eagerly. You were glad to chose him and even more glad that he agreed. "But first, we will practice." 

The professor sent Remus to take a seat in one of the desks, before she turned to you and started the practice without a warning. 

"Legilimens!" She waved her wand at you. She already knew the memories she had to look for and didn't take her more than a couple of seconds to find them. 

You saw Lily placing her hand on James' shoulder as she giggled at his witty remarks. 

You saw James caressing her cheeks, while whispering seductive words into her ear, brushing his lips across her earlobe. 

You wanted to scream, you felt your body trembled at the memories. McGonagall was more brutal then usual, bringing out your worst memories, not letting you even rest in between. 

You saw as James linked his finger's with Lily's, while placing his other hand on the wall right next to her head, slowly closing the distance between their face. 

You wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, you could feel your tears rolling down your cheeks, but the professor didn't stop. You felt your body heat up from anger, you felt the need to release. You knew what was about to happen. Your emotions took over your magic and once again you lost control. You felt the ground shake under you and you cursed yourself for not being able to maintain your calmness. However, before you could have destroyed anything, Remus stood up and walked beside you, getting hold of your hand, gently gripping, squeezing it, to pull you back to reality. 

You were surprised. You didn't have your emotions overpowering you anymore and your magic seemed to have restrained itself again. You looked at Remus with the widest eyes, not understanding the situation.

"Brilliant." Professor McGonagall spoke with a wide smile across her face. "We might have just found a way to help you." 

You kept practicing for a couple of hours, the professor using Legilimency and Remus grabbing your hand or your shoulder when you were about to lose control. It seemed to be working and you were glad that you have found a way. 

Remus has been educated on some additional information of the subject, but he seemed to be on top of everything before the professor could have even explained. Godric knows how lucky you felt to have him around.

* 

As time has gone by, you have been practicing with Remus each day, but it did make it harder before and after the full moon. He kept apologising to you for not being able to be by your side, but it broke your heart to think that he was feeling guilty of such a minor issue. You were more worried about him getting better and being himself, than your little magical override. 

You were seated in the common room, right next to Remus as you two were whispering to each other. James was sitting across you in an armchair, not even taking his eyes off you and Remus for a second. He was angry. He was jealous. He didn't want to see his best friend and the girl he loved being so comfortable with each other. He wanted that with you. But he didn't have the courage to say it. 

He tried to district himself by starting a rather meaningless conversation with Sirius, but as he heard your light giggle and saw that huge grin across Remus' face, he lost it.

"Can you just stop it?" He asked, raising his voice as he stood up, looking down at you. Your body tensed as you looked up at him, utterly confused by his behaviour. 

"What are you talking about?" Remus spoke before you had the time to form your words. 

"Whatever you are doing. Giggling happily, always disappearing with each other. Do you think I didn't see when you held her hand in the Great Hall today morning?" He was as angry as you have never seen him before. 

"It's none of your business." You replied casually.

"It is though. I am supposed to be your best friend, still one day you start disappearing after classes and only return in the late hours of the night without telling me what happened to you. Then you drag Remus with you, with no explanation and you start disappearing together each and every day. And if that's not enough, first Remus is holding onto your hand and later on you are sitting here giggling at each other. Be honest, are you together?" You could clearly see the hurt on his face, eagerly waiting for an answer. 

"What if we are?" You asked, feeling Remus' surprised stare on your face. James' hazel eyes widened, his demeanour seemed stiff. He fell back onto his armchair, looking down to the floor, trying to process the news. He thought it was painful to accept that you would never like him. He thought it was killing him that he started to realise how you and his friend got closer to each other. But knowing that his friend got the one girl he loved, his friend would be the one cuddling you, his friend would be the one kissing you, made him feel completely defeated. 

"We are not!" Remus interrupted his friend's self-disruptive thoughts. James looked up at you and Remus with disbelief in his eyes.

"Why would you say that?" James asked, while shaking his head in disbelief, looking into your eyes. 

"I didn't say anything. 'What if we are?' is a question." You shrugged casually. You wished he was hurting as bad you were when he was around Lily. 

"It's not funny." He scoffed, anger clearly plastered across his face.

"We clearly don't have the same sense of humour." You retorted, but he stood up again, irritated by your behaviour. 

"What has gotten into you? Where is the girl that I could talk to about anything? That I could wake up at the middle of the night if I had a problem?" James was almost shaking out of anger.

"Evans is probably upstairs." You grimaced.

"Leave Lily out of it. I am talking about you." He hissed through clenched teeth.

"Oh, that so called friendship?" You scoffed. "That friendship went out the window when you started chasing after Evans, completely ignoring friends like... oh, me!" You growled, feeling your blood pressure rising, your heart beating fast against your ribcage. 

"I never ignored you." He spoke, causing you to burst into a devilish laughter.

"Oh please, don't make me laugh." You rolled your eyes.

"You know what fine. Have it your way. Let's say, I ignored you, what did you do?" He asked as your body tensed up.

"Don't dare to turn it around, Potter." You hissed in anger. He knew calling his last name meant you were rather pissed off, but he decided to push it. 

"Why, truth hurts? You are still keeping secrets from me and instead you cuddle up with Remus whispering little nothings in to each others ears." He growled, anger clear in his tone. You were upset, you felt your feelings clouding your judgment and it all downed on you as you felt the air getting colder in the room. You felt Remus standing next to you, placing his hand, trying to calm you down. You could feel the tension slowly leaving your body, but James didn't want to let it slide. "Take your hands off her!" He shouted. For the first time ever, raising his voice against Remus.

"Don't you ever dare to talk to him like that again." You spit in anger as you took deep breaths to steady your emotions. Remus' hand didn't move, gently gripping your shoulder, giving you just enough pressure to keep your mind clear. 

James was looking at you and Remus, incapable of understanding what was happening. He could only see his hand on you and it made him want to pounce on his friend. As you calmed down, you sat back onto the couch, but Remus stood still. 

"You need to talk to each other." He spoke, grabbing Sirius' wrist to pull him after himself. 

"But Remus..." You wanted to dispute it, but he didn't listen.  

"Don't argue with me. You know where the problem originated from in the first place." He spoke firmly and dragged a dumbfounded Sirius after himself, up the male dormitory. 

"What is he talking about?" James stood in front of you, before he decided to take a seat beside you. "What is going on?" His eyes fixated on the side of your face, but you couldn't turn to look at him. "Talk to me, please." He was almost begging you, but you didn't know how to start. You heaved a deep sigh, before searching for the right words, while you nervously played with your hands.

"A couple of weeks ago, I lost control of my magic." You started.

"I thought it was you." He spoke, forcing your head to snap towards his direction in surprise. "The table in the Great Hall and the lamps in the library or even the temperature today." You nodded at him.

"I wasn't able to control my magic. It scared me that I could have done something dangerous. On the day when Dumbledore came to transfiguration, he offered to help me." You took a deep sigh before continuing. "I was taking special lessons with Professor McGonagall and Flitwick. They helped me to try to gain back the control over my magic. However I needed someone who could keep me in check when they couldn't. Who could practice with me when I needed. Remus was an obvious choice. He is a good friend of mine and he is an excellent student. All that you saw, was because he was helping me." You let out a deep sigh as you finished. You kept playing with your hands to divert your attention from him.

"Why didn't you ask me? I always thought we were closer." He furrowed his brows with a hurt expression across his face. 

"We were, but I wasn't lying when I said that you started ignoring me. I really felt like it was all about Lily. And..." You swallowed hard before you continued. "And of course you want to be with her more, it's natural, but I didn't feel the support from you so I chose Remus. But if I want to be completely honest, I wouldn't have chosen you anyway." His face grew more concerned. 

"Why?" He asked. You thought that's it. You needed to be honest. Brutally honest. 

"Because you were the main reason for losing the control over my magic." His eyes widened in surprise.

"What did I do?" You didn't really know how to tell him, how to explain it to him. 

"You fell for Lily." You said bluntly. "It hurt and it hurt to a point where my magic took off on its own." 

"What?" He was almost whispering.

"It was painful to know that the man I love is with another girl. But it was even more painful to watch as you cuddled into each other or whispered into one another's ears." You kept your focus on the fireplace, not wanting to look into his eyes and seeing the rejection. "It made me angry. Angry to a point that my magic was uncontrollable."

"You... You like me?" He sighed the last part. You didn't answer though, you didn't want to say it. You just nodded to respond to his question. "Why did you not tell me?" You scoffed at the reply and for the first time, you looked into his Hazel eyes. You felt your eyes tear up, but you didn't care. 

"That would have been fun. Me confessing my undying love for you, while you confess your love for eternity to Lily. Maybe, you did not think that through, but I did. Believe me. Not once." You chuckled painfully at the ridiculous thought.

"You should have told me." He raised his voice and before you could have reacted, his lips attached to yours, while cupping your cheeks. You were shocked and you even forgot to kiss back. He pulled away with a disappointed look on his face. "I'm sorry."

"Why did you do that?" You felt your heart throbbing up in your throat. You felt so confused.

"Because I like you." He spoke with a soft smile across his face. You wanted to ask him numerous questions, but he spoke before you could have. "I have always liked you. I thought, even if you just returned part of what I felt for you, I would have been the happiest person alive. But I didn't even dare to imagine that you could have feelings for me. So I went for the next best option. Finding a replacement would be completely different from you to try to avert my feelings for you." 

"Why didn't you say anything?" You asked this time. 

"I didn't think I was good enough for you." He stated casually as if he was still thinking that way.

"Are you being serious right now?" You scoffed. "You, James Potter?"

"I don't think you are aware of yourself." He smirked and you couldn't hold it in anymore. You leaned over and kissed him with all the suppressed emotions you have been harbouring. He returned it just as hungrily, not wanting to let you go even for a second. You felt like your lips moulded together as if they belonged with each other. You wanted to to stay in his arms for as long as you could. You smiled into the kiss, making him chuckle at you. You didn't even realise the colourful flower petals falling from above you, up until it fell on your face. You parted and both of you looked up in the air. You knew it was you and looked at James with an apologetic gaze and grimace across your face.

"I'm sorry. I am still struggling to control it sometimes. I really think you are not a good influence." He chuckled at you as he pulled you closer, into a tight embrace, hiding his face in the crook of your neck. You didn't need more to understand his feelings. It was all in his kisses and hugs.

"Until you are not breaking anything, including me, I don't mind whatever you are doing." He smiled as looked into your eyes. 

He caressed your cheeks as he pulled you into his chest. You rested your head against his heart, listening to the fastened beating. You felt content and you had a good feeling about the near future.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, don't forget to like the chapter. Thank you :) I am also taking requests. If you have any, please just let me know.

I do not accept requests with suicide, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry, but those are subjects, that I do not cover for personal reasons. Anything else, let me know.