Title: Pain of reality

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

Word count: 3343

Published: 16 July, 2020

Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore

Notes: I got this little one requested by @BOOK__LOVER22, here on Wattpad. I found the idea quite adorable, but I ended up making it a lot more angsty than I thought it would turn out to be. I hope you will like it anyway :D

Request: 

"Remus John Lupin!" You shouted as you stood in the middle of the Clock Tower Courtyard with your hands resting on your hips, lips pursed in anger. 

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." He replied as he was about to walk away. 

"No! I am so fed up of you always running away when I dare to ask about your disappearances. I have the right to know." You spoke as you walked over and stopped right before him, looking up into his dark orbs. "We have been together for almost a year. I deserve an explanation. I feel like you are keeping something from me." You tried this time in a calmer manner. 

"I'm sorry." He heaved a deep sigh as he was about to talk again, but he didn't. 

"Talk to me, please." You placed your hands on his chest as you inched closer to him. 

"I can't." He got hold of your wrists, removed them from his body and walked away. You didn't even bother to turn around. You just let your words escape. 

"Why are we even together if you can't trust me enough?" You sounded broken and weak, but he knew how hurt you have been even without hearing your voice. He knew it was all his fault. He was scared. He was afraid you would leave him, but most of all, he was terrified of hurting you. 

"I guess, you are right." He blurted out, making you spin around in your place. 

"What?" You exclaimed as your wide eyes were plastered over his back. He didn't turn around. He didn't even look at you for a mere second.

"I guess, we shouldn't be together. I clearly can't trust you." Silent tears left your eyes, your cheeks soaked in the liquid. You felt as if you have been stabbed on the chest and was struggling to breath. 

"You don't mean that." You tried to fight the inevitable. 

"I do. I don't think we should be together." He shook his head, looking up at the Clock Tower. "I think it's better if we just leave each other alone." His voice didn't even break at his words, making you feel as if you meant nothing to him. As if you have not showed him how much he meant to you. As if you have been at fault for everything that has gone bad in your relationship. 

"Remus, please... don't do this. You know I love you. I really do. If I didn't show you well enough, then just tell me how to. Please don't leave me..." You sobbed. His words cut deep and you felt your heart being clenched in your ribcage stronger and stronger the more he stood in silence. "I thought everything was okay a couple of days ago. Have I done something? Let's talk this through." You attempted to save the situation, but he slowly shook his head.

"Nothing is okay. I don't... I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be with you anymore." He spoke firmly. Each and every word of his cutting deeper. You stared at his back, no words wanting to leave your lips anymore. You loved him to your core and you have never dared to imagine a break up. You were just perfect together. Of course you did fight on occasions, mostly about the secret he has been keeping from you, but it has never gone this far. 

You were watching his brown sweater, the way the horizontal lines ran across the clothing, the way the bottom of his jumper wrinkled on his back. 

You went numb. Your thoughts were all a mess, making you unable to process the situation. He meant everything to you, but he didn't even take a look at you as he ended the happiest part of your life. 

You heaved a deep sigh and walked up to him to stand beside him. You wiped off the tear stains from your cheek and sighed once more, forcing your words out.

"I hope you will find happiness in the future." Your voice was soft and light, barely audible. It was full of sadness and guilt, feeling as if it was all your fault. That you could have done more. That you might have done something you weren't even aware of. Maybe you argued with him too much. Maybe you didn't show you feelings clearly enough. Maybe... you were just not good enough. 

You walked away from him, heading up to your dormitory, wishing to be as far as possible from the person who just broke your heart into the tiniest pieces. You dropped on your bed, sobbing into your pillow, going through each and every happy moment you have experienced with Remus. His light kisses, his loving hugs, his strong hold around your hand. He was your everything and you were beyond heart broken. 

He didn't even look at you as he broke off your relationship, confirming that all along it was you that felt deeply about him, but he didn't even care enough to look you in the eye while leaving you. 

You didn't want to hate him, hell you couldn't have, but your pain was unbearable. After what happened, you weren't sure he has ever loved you. You thought, maybe it was just an act. He got rid off you so easily, it hurt how simple of a step it was for him to take, while you had to suffer this horrible heartache. It was unfair and you wanted nothing, but to forget him, to forget that your year long relationship might not have been real. 

You cried into your pillows till the moment there were no more tears left and your heartache found its company in your headache. You gave into your sweet slumber, hoping for this all to be just a bad nightmare.

But it wasn't. 

Weeks has passed and you were still hurt. You caught his eyes wondering over to you, making each and every look feel like another stab into your chest. As if he was mocking you. As if he wanted to see that you were hurting enough.

Remus wasn't that kind of person. But then did you actually know him? Breaking up with you seemed to be one of the easiest things he has ever done. The heavy weight of your unrequited love and the sight of your clearly unaffected ex-boyfriend fuelled your sadness. 

As you walked out to the Black lake on a cloudy, dark afternoon, you saw Remus talking to his friends, almost as if they were having an argument. Remus was heavily gesturing, like he was trying to deny something, while James and Sirius seemed agitated. 

You walked closer to the group of friends, hiding behind a large oak tree. You have stood just a couple of meters away, close enough to be able to hear their conversation. 

"Moony, you have to stop this. You are hurting both of you." Sirius said as he threw his arms in the air dramatically. 

"I can't, Padfoot. I can't let Y/N get any closer to me." He tried to argue with his friend, making you frown as you realised you were part of the subject of their conversation. 

"But you can! We stayed by your side all along. We didn't leave you. Why is it so hard to believe that people who love you would stay by your side?" James argued this time, trying to convince Remus, but he just shook his head in denial. 

"It's not just that, Prongs. It would kill me if I ever hurt Y/N. It kills me to even think about it. I can't let that happen and the most logical way is to keep myself away." He explained firmly.

"Logical? You are not being logical at all, Moony. Y/N is a smart person, who loves you to bits. I can't imagine anyone else being more accepting, more loving. You would just need to explain things clearly. You need to communicate instead of making decision on your own. Stupid decision to stay the least." Sirius attempted to argue with his friend's reasoning. 

"I can't." He replied simply. 

"I give up." Sirius stepped back abruptly, turning to the tree you were hiding behind. Your eyes widened. So did his, before a huge grin appeared across his face and gave you a cheeky wink. "Let me ask you something. Do you love Y/N?" 

"Of course, I do. How many times do I have to tell you how much? Do you think I would have ended things if I didn't care?" He frowned, raising his voice, clearly agitated. You felt your heartbeat quicken, hope filling you up once again. 

"Do you miss her?" Sirius continued. 

"Please, don't make this any more difficult than it already is." He begged his friend almost as if he was in pain. 

"Do you?" He didn't plan on giving up though. 

"What do you think? I don't think I have loved anyone else so strongly before." He heaved a deep sigh, shaking his head. "Can we just change subject? I really don't want to talk about this." 

"Then Y/N has the right to know that you are werewolf." He shrugged as if he was concluding the conversation. Your eyes widened in surprise, your lips parted involuntarily. You stepped out of your hiding, staring at the love of your life in shock. 

"Y/N..." Remus exclaimed, a terrified expression across his face. 

"Did you hear all of that?" Sirius asked and you nodded in reply. 

"Sirius, what have you done?" Remus whispered weakly, his eyes not even leaving you for a second. 

"I made sure that Y/N had a say in your decision too. You can hate me and you can even curse me for revealing your secret, but breaking up over something that you didn't even try to explain, is plain dumb. You didn't even give Y/N a chance to understand or to make a decision by leaving you or staying by your side." He shrugged casually. 

You were shocked to say the least. It was definitely hard to process, but in no way it affected the fact that he loved you and you loved him. Sirius was right. He should have shared this with you and let you decide whether you wanted to stay by his side or leave him for good. You had every right to know, especially after you heard how much he loved you.  

"So... you are... a werewolf?" You spoke hesitantly, questioningly. He heaved a deep sigh and hid his face behind his palms. "I am not saying I'm not surprised. I am still processing. But I had the right to know." You explained, waiting for him to reply. 

"Maybe. I guess. But even if I told you, it wouldn't change the fact that I am afraid of hurting you. I can't be close to you." He shook his head, letting his arms drop. 

"Actually, it would change a lot. I think I can make a decision on wanting to be with you or not even if you have a furry little problem. My feelings didn't change. I still love you, Remus." You replied firmly. 

"Even if you wanted to be with me, despite all that you have just heard, I would still be scared of hurting you. I wouldn't want to risk that." He raised his voice to get his opinion across to you. 

"But you said it yourself. You still love me." You tried to argue with him.

"But I don't want to be with you." He spoke firmly, making your heart skip a beat, your breath hitch in surprise. It has never occurred to you. He was right. He might have loved you, but that didn't mean he wanted to be with you. You couldn't begin to describe how silly you felt for having your hopes up. 

"Oh..." You swallowed hard, feeling the tears collecting in your eyes. 

"That's not what I..." He started, but you cut him off.

"No, no... I understand. I guess I just didn't think this through." You scratched the back of your neck awkwardly with a painful smile. It hurt bad. You thought being dumped was painful, but feeling rejected and being told he didn't need you for a second time, sent you over the edge. 

"Y/N..." He called out for you, almost whispering your name painfully as he stepped closer. However you backed away. You didn't need him to comfort you. The last thing you needed is to feel him anywhere near you. 

"It's fine, Remus. Really." You smiled at him, trying to force it as hard as you could to make him feel better. "It's fine." You said as you turned around and hurried back to the castle. 

"You are officially an idiot." James exclaimed shaking his head.

You were almost running through the corridors, trying to keep your tears at bay until you were out of sight finally. You hid behind a portrait, a hole in the wall, which Remus showed you a couple of months back, letting your tears run across your face endlessly. 

You held your fist in front of your chest, clenched tightly, your knuckles turning white as if it was helping your pain to go away. But it didn't. Your breathing was uneven, your lips dry, your face deformed. Your pain couldn't have been more obvious. You threw your head backwards, letting it harshly collide with the cold wall behind you. The pain was nothing compared to the lump, the suffocating feeling in your throat. 

A flash of light blinded you for a second as you saw the portrait door open. Remus stepped inside, closing it behind himself.

"Remus, I really need to be alone right now." You spoke weakly, trying to remove the tear stains from your cheek. 

"I'm sorry." He spoke, crouching down in front of you, placing one of his hands on your cheek gently. "I am so sorry, Y/N. I am so so sorry." He kept repeating himself, making you feel indescribably confused. 

"I don't understand." You furrowed your brows, waiting for a reply. 

"Of course, I want to be with you. That's not what I meant out there." He sighed deeply, caressing your cheek with his thumb. "When I broke up with you, it was the hardest moment of my life." 

"Sure didn't seem like it." You scoffed rudely and even you were surprised at your behaviour. 

"I know. I tried to hide it. I thought if I left you and stayed away from you, it would solve everything. You don't understand how hard it was for me to see you suffer each and every day. I wanted to walk up to you and just wrap my arms around you to tell you that it will all be fine. I am really sorry for hurting you." His gentle tone, his apologies, his guilty look made you want to engulf him in a hug, but you stopped yourself. You were too hurt. 

"I thought I wasn't good enough. I thought maybe you never loved me." You admitted shyly. 

"What? No! Don't even think about such silly things. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me." He spoke in a panicking tone. 

"What do you expect me to say?" You asked, unsure. He didn't want to be with you, but he wanted to be with you. He didn't want to hurt you, but here he was telling you how important you have been to him. You were utterly confused and beyond unsure of everything. 

"I..." He stoped to think for a second. "I want to be with you. I want to kiss you, I want to hug you, I want to talk to you. I need you." He spoke softly, getting hold of your hands. 

"Aren't you afraid of hurting me anymore?" You asked, not wanting him to back away in the future with the same stupid reason. 

"I am. I am terrified even thinking about it. But I have the dumbest friends and I am the dumbest of them all. I guess they made me realise that I needed you more than I dared to admit." He confessed.

"I love you Remus. I really do, but how do I know that you won't just stand up with another stupid excuse and walk away?" You asked painfully, thinking through every possible options. 

"My secret is out there. If you accept me like this, I have no reason to walk away." He squeezed your hands gently as if he tried to reassure you that he was there for you. 

"We will have to talk about this. You will have to explain everything to me. My knowledge on werewolfs is not really broad." You smiled softly.

"Does that mean you are giving me a second chance?" He asked, eyes holding nothing but hope. You heaved a deep sigh before opening your lips to talk. 

"You will need to work on getting my trust back. You really hurt me, you know?" You warned him even though you knew you would be back in his arms in no time. "You didn't let me make a decision on my own. You should know me by now, still you didn't even consider that I might have wanted to be with you whether you are a werwolf or not. You left me thinking you didn't want to be with me, that you didn't love me anymore. I thought it was all my fault. Seeing you every single day was as painful as it can get." You tried to make him understand how deeply his decision affected you. 

"I am really sorry. I thought getting over the pain of break up was better than if I ever physically hurt you. I thought I made the right decision when I did it." He tried to explain it to you, but it didn't work on you anymore. 

"Clearly didn't." You spoke harshly. 

"I'm sorry, Y/N..." He sighed deeply. "Would you give me another chance, please?" He asked with a guilty expression across his face and you finally let your hard exterior go. 

"You know... maybe if you kissed me, that would help me decide." You smiled playfully, which earned a heartfelt laughter from him. He leaned closer to you and attached his lips to yours, placing his hand behind your neck, keeping you impossibly close to him. He was a little rough, maybe more passionate than ever, but you didn't mind. You felt his feelings, his reassurance coming through to you and you knew he would do anything to keep you by his side at this point. As you parted he hinted a small peck on your lips before looking into your eyes.

"Did that convince you?" He asked with a raised brow. His smile grew wider as you giggled at his question. 

"Maybe you need to try again. I am not certain just yet." You smirked, which made him shook his head, but soon his lips were on yours once again, kissing you just as lovingly as before. If not more.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, don't forget to like the chapter. Thank you :) I am also taking requests. If you have any, please just let me know.

I do not accept requests with suicide, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry, but those are subjects, that I do not cover for personal reasons. Anything else, let me know.