Title: Numb love pt.2 (Breakaway)

Pairing: James Potter x Reader and James Potter x Lily Evans

Word count: 2042

Published: 7 August, 2020

Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore

You were sitting behind your table on Charms class, carving his initials into the surface of your desk with the end of your quill, ignoring the damage you made. You heaved a deep sigh trying not to take notice of your surroundings. Unsuccessfully. You suddenly pushed your quill aside, huffing in an irritated tone, hiding your face in your palms, as if it helped you disappear.

Anywhere would have been fine. You weren't one to believe hell existed, but your life seemed to prove you wrong. You were already in hell, each day seeing him cupping her face with a loving gaze, wearing an endearing smile as he admired her beautiful features. Watching as she ran her fingers through his messy black locks, earning a pleased moan to leave his lungs.

You tried very hard to concentrate on Professor Flitwick, but you just couldn't. Your ears could only hear his deep baritone from behind you. It made your breath hitch, your chest compress under your hidden emotions.

They were whispering, their voices barely audible. You were not supposed to hear them. But hell was onto you, trying to prove a point, turning against you. Every word of his was clearer than ever, forcing a suffocating lump in your throat. You tried to swallow, but you found yourself unable to do so. It hurt to hear his whispers. The adoring compliments he showered her with, the seductive little nothings he breathed into her ear, the promises of endless love rolling off his tongue so easily.

You couldn't listen to their affectionate words anymore, you couldn't watch the way they subtly touched, just about grazing each other's skin. It was overwhelming. You felt emotionally drained, trying to find the end of the tunnel, but feeling stuck in darkness. It was a never ending torture that you had to endure each and every day.

As the bell rang, you shot up from your seat, throwing all your belongings into your bag, rushing out of the class room. You had no idea what Professor Flitwick taught you that day, or were supposed to teach you, but you couldn't care less. You were in constant pain and you were suffering silently, alone. They all knew. Your friends did. But they couldn't help. They felt useless, watching you lose yourself. They couldn't do anything for you and it pained them to see your heart shattered.

You didn't laugh anymore. You were incapable of a simple smile. You didn't feel like there was anything that was worth the effort you had to put into feeling even a slight bit happy. Life was screwing you over and you hated every moment of it. You wanted to escape the pain. You wanted to finally end it.

You stopped in the corridor, looking around, trying to find your way. You didn't even realise that you have been circling the same corridors for the past 30 minutes, missing your Potions class already. You knew Professor Slughorn was going to give you a hard time about it, but it didn't matter. Just another point on your endless list of fuck ups. Yes, your life was fucked up and it was all because of a boy.

You were naive, beyond stupid to fall for him. You knew he was head over hills for the fiery red haired girl. Hell, everyone knew. He has been pinning after the girl since forever. You could still recall every second of the day she finally said yes, as he broke your heart into the smallest pieces without even knowing about it.

"Guess what?" He asked with an excited tone. Everyone looked at him, even you, waiting eagerly for what you already knew. You just needed his confirmation."Lily said yes!" He shouted playfully, pumping his fist in the air in a victorious manner.

You felt your heart ache, your chest tighten, your lungs dry out. If you didn't know better, you would have thought you were being suffocated. Which you were. By the thought of seeing him with Lily, cuddling up against each other. By the thought of them hinting loving kisses on each other's temple. By the thought of your non-existent chances disappearing, before they could have even blossomed. You wanted to sink into the sofa and forget, that you've ever known him. But you treasured your memories with him more than to do that. As painful as it was, you wanted him happy and even if it was slowly ripping your heart into pieces, you had to be there for him.

"That's great." Sirius replied, with less enthusiasm than you thought he could have.

"That didn't sound genuine." James replied with furrowed brows. You decided to speak up, not wanting his cheerful mood to be ruined by your sadness.

"I'm glad you finally got a chance." You forced a smile on your face. You knew your eyes showed sadness, but you also knew that he would have never been able to read it.

"Thank you. At least someone is happy for me." He chuckled happily and sat down on the carpet in front of you. You knew what was coming and you felt your stomach churning in pain. "I was thinking about taking her to Hogsmeade this weekend, maybe grab something to eat and drink in Madam Puddifoot's, then take her on a romantic walk. It will be just perfect." He chuckled with his eyes barely open from the spreading smile across his face.

You couldn't pretend to be fine. You were in pain every single day, trying to just get through the day without falling on your knees and let your tears run free. His mere presence hurt, his friendship was something you couldn't handle anymore.

You heard the bell ring again. Hours of your days were spent with self-pity, self-hatred, pathetic longing for a boy that you knew would never love you back. You were a mess and you were tired of it. You wanted to end it. You couldn't handle it anymore.

"Y/N." Your heard your name from behind you, his voice ever so gentle. Slowly turning around, you found yourself gazing into his warm hazel irises, concern filling them. Of course, you knew why. You have been absent. Both physically and mentally. You couldn't be close to him anymore. It hurt you to be even an arm length away from him. "Are you alright, sweetheart?" He gazed at you, worry clear in his tone. The sharp feeling in your chest grew at the sound of the nickname. Once it was everything you wanted from him, now it was plain torture.

"Yeah." You breathed weakly.

"Y/N, talk to me." He stepped closer, wanting to comfort you, but you backed away. He was already too close to you, almost sending you over the edge, forcing your tears to collect in your eyes.

"I'm fine." You replied, your tone unsure of your own words.

"You have been avoiding me. I don't know what I have done, but let me fix it. Just tell me what's going on, just tell me what to do and I will do it. Please!" He was beyond desperate to get you back and you knew how much he cared about you, how important you were to him. But it hurt even more. You wanted his attentiveness even more than ever, but the feelings he could offer you were of a different kind than you needed.

"James, please don't make it any harder than it already is. I'm begging you to leave me alone. I need to deal with this on my own." You were on the edge, a tiny tear leaving its mark across your cheek. You hoped you would never have to beg for anything. You were proud and intelligent. You knew your worth. Or so you thought. But here you were, begging the man who you adored even through pain, to leave you be.

"I can't! I don't understand what is going on." He sounded agitated, he was distressed. He genuinely wanted to help you, but he couldn't have known that all those sleepless nights, attempted tears-filled naps, emotionally exhausted sighs were his wrong doings.

"I can't deal with this now, James." You heaved a deep sigh, turning on your heels, wanting to leave the boy behind. But he didn't let you. He grabbed your arm, pulling you back to face him, his expression miserable.

"I want you to talk to me. I want to get you back! I need my friend!" He raised his voice as if that proved his point, but deep inside, you could only hear one word 'Friend'. You didn't want this anymore. You didn't want to see him, hear him, be by his side. You wanted out.

"I don't care James." Your voice was filled with firm determination this time. "I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I have been silently hurting, watching you cuddle up to her, kissing her lovingly, getting lost in her arms, sighing at the sight of her. I can't possibly do this anymore." You screamed your words, hoping to get through to him and his thick head, tears slowly leaving your eyes.

"What...?" He whispered, unable to find the right words.

"Yes. I have been in love with you." You breathed silently. "I have really, really tried to be by your side. I want you to be happy James. I can't imagine anyone deserving love more than you do. But I can't stay beside you, watching you love her, when I feel like I'm being suffocated, when my heart is in physical pain, when I am unable to breath anymore." Your tears fell endlessly, your vision blurring James' shocked form.

"I... Lily..." You knew what he wanted to say, you didn't need to hear it to understand. You couldn't handle another stab in your already wounded heart.

"I know James." Your voice hitched. "I love you and I really am hoping that you will get everything in life, because you are an amazing person. I just can't do this with you anymore. Please understand me. I need you to leave me alone from now. I can't deal with the hurt inside me. It's too much. I love you, but you need to let me go." You whispered lightly, lifting your hand and gently cupping his face. "I'm sorry, I can't be in your life anymore, but I know you are in good hands. Lily will make you the happiest man alive and you will enjoy each and every moment of the time you can spend with her." You smiled through the river of heavy tears rolling down your now swollen cheeks.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, holding onto your hand, tilting his face into your soft touch.

"Don't be. It's not your fault." You smiled painfully, letting go of his cheek. You let your eyes meet with his hazel gaze, glistening under the tear drops, fighting hard against him to escape. You carved his handsome features into your mind, once again stabbing yourself on the chest, before turning away and leaving him behind, this time forever.

You knew you would see him again, playing in the quidditch field, laughing with his friends in the park, hugging Lily in the common room. But as painful as those thoughts were, you were finally getting your closure, even if it didn't feel like that just yet. You were on the right path, finally leaving your self-destructive thoughts behind, looking towards the future, picking up the shattered pieces of your heart.

Notes: If you enjoyed it, don't forget to like the chapter. Thank you :) I am also taking requests. If you have any, please just let me know.

I do not accept requests with suicide, suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I'm sorry, but those are subjects, that I do not cover for personal reasons. Anything else, let me know.