DISCLAIMER: Let me first start off by saying that this is all in good fun. A first chapter is sort of like a first date. We sit down with a book and we are nervous and excited at the same time. During my critiquing days, I've met a lot of books. Here are some pitfalls that you should look for with regards to YOUR first date. And if your first date fits this, don't take offense (it's not meant to be offensive), just think about whether or not you can turn this date around. Here we go.

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I wake up to a new book and I'm nervous. What if I don't know anyone? What if it's not as good as the brochure-blurb fairy promised. Because that brochure-blurb fairy's pitch was EPIC.

Hesitant and cautious, I open the cover and peer in. A tall dark figure crouches down to meet me.

"Hi there, Reader. I'm Ricardo."

Gasp.

A Latino MC? What kind of POC ambush have I stepped into?

"We're gonna have a great time," he promises.

Pff. Don't bet on it. I fold my arms and turn up my nose. Sniff. What's that?

Dare I say.... Is that the whiff of a good premise pancake?

Ricardo meets eyes with me and beams. "Waffles."

"Waffles?" My hard-exterior crumbles. I melt into a slump, floored. "My regular-everyday book never gave me waffles. Store-bought?"

"Of course! From the best cliché-store money can buy."

I'm hurt.

He slaps my shoulder and chuckles. "I'm joking. Made from scratch. All culturally new and massive on the rich plot syrup. Come on."

I'm still reluctant. But he's promised me plot syrup. Who can resist plot syrup?

I pad downstairs to a feast. Dragon candy. Mage cupcakes. A brainac salad that's surprisingly crisp.

"Is this kale?" I inquire, not really sure what that even is.

"Yup," Riccardo affirms. "Freshly picked."

And that's when I knew, I mean, I suspected it when I took a sip of my culturally sensitive swirl fresh squeezed orange juice, but still. I knew, this was going to be the most epic book possible.

Ricardo took me to the well-intended-but-ultimately-doomed-to-failure-and-fire quickie mart. We passed through high-speed chase alley, before taking a sharp right at whoa-didn't-see-that-coming road.

It was a full day when we arrive home and before he closes the door, he whispers to me, "Beware of the trolls. Their weakness is eyelashes."

Mouth agape, I nod. What does that even mean! I can't wait to find out.

The next chapter-morning, I awaken with a pep in my step and a new lease on life. I jump downstairs, causing a ruckus. My feast is there. Hmm. It looks a bit different.

My dragon candy's been replaced with boiled cabbage exposition. All the mage cupcakes are now character-description bran muffins, the dry sort we'd get from the bottom shelf.

And there's no brainac salad, but rather...some generic-start peas.

Two people appear, my mother and a run-of-the-mil two dimensional guy who crouches down.

"Hey, Reader. My name is Stan, short for Standard beginning. I'm your new dad."

I stare at him, hopeful. "T—two dads? Well, I guess that's okay." I give mom a nervous laugh. "Respect."

"Oh, no, no, buddy. Just the one."

Tears sting my eyes. "But what about Ricardo? What about the plot syrup!" I wail.

Stan pats my head, somber when he explains, "Ricardo Prologue was killed during the night. The body hasn't been found so who knows. As for the plot syrup, don't worry, I'll whip you up some after about five chapters. We—"

"Wait, what?" I dry my eyes. "What you mean killed? Is he or isn't he dead?"

"Weeeeellll, he might come back." Wink.

I squint. "How long I gotta wait?"

Stan puckers his lips. "Roughly ten chapters."

Mom leans in and chimes, "But we've got store-bought slow-build-up waffles until then."

I step back, untrusting. "Ten chapters? Ten? And...and then I get him back?"

Mom makes a face and Stan rises to his full height. "More or less. You just gotta stick with it. In the meantime, let me force you to start over summoning up some emotional attachment after you've already had your heart ripped out by the other guy. Oh, and in chapter two, I've got backstory mashed potatoes!" He sings, "Who doesn't love backstory mashed potatoes?"

Ricardo is great, and they are promising he'll be back...maybe. But Stan's grin is unsettling.

"So, he's not dead?" I inquire.

"Possibly not dead," Stan corrects.

But that grin gets to me. I cover my face with both hands and peek through my fingers. "Who killed him? It—it wasn't you, was it?"

"No. No." Both mom and Stan echo one another.

"Of course not. Right, honey?" Mom asks.

Stan meets eyes with her and shrug. "I probably didn't. but I don't wanna make promises I can't keep to my sweetums."

They giggle while rubbing noses.

I stare at them, march upstairs, pack my stuff, then walk out the door.

(end)

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Is this your first date? Tune in for the next installment. If you liked this or found it useful, please give it a shout out. Help out all the first dates out there!