The Road After By Jan Karlsson ( Kymeraent)

1 (Chapter Title)
High Fantasy (Genre)
War/Peace/War (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (surprisingly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.21.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (High Fantasy)
- clear time period (Unknown, Alternate Universe)
- clear MC (I have no idea, all four?)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: Breena, Indri, Chisi, Keenov (I think), two others who I've forgotten)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure, perhaps taking the letter? The ending of the war?)

This story really pissed me off.

Let me just get that bit out of the way. And it pissed me off because it started so good that I wanted to smash a table, kick over some garbage cans, punch an old lady. I was so fired up and impressed with it.

To say I was jealous of your intro and the skill of it is an understatement. I'm even more pissed because I can't silently read it and low key lift it. (jk...I'm not joking).

Okay, jokes aside. I do stand by my statement that the intro is amazing. I knew nothing of the story or the premise but it just hits the reader RIGHT in the face. This is war, and all battles and stories go INTO a war. But a story that starts once the dusts clears?

It's been done, more than once (Firefly the sci-fi series, for example) but rarely do we see it in stories and rarely do we see death and destruction done so beautifully. I'm squeamish, and I hate horror or gore but war is gory and even with all those inhibitions in mind, I lapped up your intro, craved it. I honestly felt like as I was reading it, I wasn't worthy to be doing so.

Breena's character came off as complex and multifaceted. I loved the interaction, especially with her and the Sargent. It was done even better because it showed how the war meant different things for different people. That SHORT introduction with her, had the biggest impact on me and I swear, I think I will try to compare all other High Fantasy starts to this one from now on but something tells me they can't measure up.

Despite all that, I'm stuck.

Let me put my disclaimer out there because it's necessary. I'm not a success at writing so take my words with a grain of salt. I have no idea what makes a good story, obviously, because I can't get any of mine off the ground. Seeing yours with such a low read count made me doubly excited because I can fool myself into thinking that maybe my brilliance is simply yet to be seen. It's not the case.

In your situation, I can only tell you how I felt about your story and tell you my point of view. I am one person and you need several other opinions before you make an informed decision.

The cast. While each character is rich and detailed, distinct, and (let's face it) pretty well put-together, I felt like I was being given five HEARTY meals, AT THE SAME TIME. I sat down with Breena-meal, apprehensive but rather pleased with the results. And as I'm enjoying her, someone comes by and snatches her up out of my sights and puts another plate down. I am annoyed because, hey, I was enjoying that!

But okay, I try Indri. Hmm, a bit rougher, not as deep but you know what, I like this one, too. Oh, the sword was one of her faves from the bat—omg, where are you taking my second meal!

So now when the third one is put before me, I'm not having a good time. I'm pissed. Two good meals and now I still have the flavors lingering and am being asked to start on yet another. This is the THIRD beginning for ONE book btw. We're talking Lord of the Rings type 5 endings sort of scenario here.

FINE. I hate this meal on PRINCIPLE. But I'm eating it. Miserable as I am, reluctant as I am. And that feeling doesn't dull. But to be fair, it is an interesting character. And what? Ew, things grow on others when she heals them...hmm, okay.

Hey, meal number one's back! But she's not the main focus, booo.

I'm forced through ALL three characters. Because now I feel like they've eaten me and not the other way around. After Breena was done, then Indri, now Chisi and you know what, all these emotions, conflicting emotions, doesn't allow me to keep one tone and follow it. I'm no longer on one ride, sitting in one seat, enjoying one story, I'm literally experiencing 3.

And I'm not amused.

So then we cut screen to...to the dog-like character, too? (At this point, I wanted to flip a table.)

I'd resigned myself to hop 3 heads but now I'm hopping 4. And I'm exhausted. By the way, this is the FOURTH start to the ONE story.

Saddest part? They were all done well. They were all good meals, and I can't say I got my fill of any of them. I go home feeling unsatisfied.

Especially since I wanted to know what was in that letter, and I wasn't allowed to find out. I would have followed Breena into the sweaty, puss-filled armpit of a giant. Indri? Well, fine, both of them, but 4 people? 4 lovers to embrace? I did not have the stamina and it took its toll. So instead of leaving the chapter sated and wanting more, I left feeling held down by 4 people vying for my very limited attention.

High fantasy tends to have a big cast. That's almost a given. But, but, BUT, I don't know if I (or most readers) could follow four guides, four eyes, four voices talking, four perspectives, four life lessons FROM CHAPTER 1. If one person approaches you and takes you into a maze and someone else shows up later on, and so on and little by little you get to know him/her, then you'd have no problem following them closely, too. But if you look at that maze and four people accost you immediately, what is your reaction? You resist, don't you?

In conclusion to that VERY long analogy, I feel that sticking to ONE character per chapter (or two), or one (cough), would serve as a better guide. Must we get Chisi's POV right away? Couldn't Breena have observed them from the mouth of the tent or room? Couldn't she have said that Chisi was in the war because she cared? Couldn't Breena have guided us a bit longer? Indri's POV was good, too, but couldn't she have conveyed that later on at the drinking, how she had to buy back her OWN sword from the thieving bastards? Couldn't THAT be the conversation rather than something about yet another character we don't know and frankly, don't care to know just yet.

Here is my stupid suggestion and yes, I know you won't use it:

- Breena on the battlefield, as is
- Breena spots Indri in line so goes to find Chsi, her sister (or Indri but again, less is more)
- Breena sees Chisi's plight and comes to her rescue
- They meet up on Indri at the pub where she grumbles about having to buy back her damn armor. "Well, did you count it?" "Why bother? Anything'll do." Then basically all her accounts at the line go here. "And as he's scribbles on yet more papers...." etc.
- Breena hints at what's in the letter

The problem is that you know your story inside and out and you love these characters. It's clear to see you love them, otherwise you wouldn't be so PERFECT in your depiction of them, in the grammar, the punctuation, going so far as to try to make it as authentic as possible. You also wouldn't have taken such care in how they were presented and presented EARLY if you didn't care. The problem is, you know that cool new band everyone simply MUST try...? Yeah, you're gonna have to let that love you feel, come slowly for the reader. They can only put blind love and blind trust into one, maybe two characters at a time.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

- LynaForge